Friday, June 30

I know the blog is called Tommy Is Cool and I know my site is like, totally the 3rd coolest site on the net behind and, but sometimes you just have to geek it up.

Superman Returns
came out yesterday. I haven't seen it yet, but it's on my to-do list, along with getting a job and Elisha Cuthbert.

And as you've probably already gathered from either talking to me in person, or reading my blog about X-Men 3 where I listed both The Beast's birthplace and the first names of his parents, I'm a comic book fanboy. Especially ever since I found out you could just download them for free, rather than paying a few bucks for something you read in about 2 minutes (like the Daily Telegraph lolololo). So a movie like Superman Returns, which has a guy who can fly, shoot beams from his eyes and manage to convince people he's a bumbling reporter just by changing the direction of his fringe, gets a thumbs up in my book.

But Superman came very, very close to getting a thumbs down. If you thought X-Men 3 was dissapointing, you're lucky Warner Brothers never made the Superman movies they wanted to during the 1990's and early 00's. Yes, it's time to bust out the pocket protectors and the calculators, it's all systems geek as we take a faster-than-a-speeding-bullet trip through...

- Tommy's Guide To The Cursed Superman Movies

Superman I, II, III and... well, let's not talk about IV, were awesome movies. Well... actually III was pretty crap too. But Gene Hackman was a sweet Lex Luthor, and Christopher Reeve was an even better Superman. Lois Lane was a little fugly, but hey, it was the 80's. And aside from some weird scenes where Superman straightens the Leaning Tower of Pisa (because that was was the most important problem facing the world at the time), they were pretty true to the basic elements of the Superman mythos.

Holy shit, I just said mythos.

And we all know them - there's the red cape, the S, Krypton, flying, heat vision, completely ridiculous scenarios involving Kryptonite and some more flying. It's what everyone knows about Superman, what everyone likes about Superman and what anybody in their right mind making a Superman movie would include.

Except the people who were... making the Superman movies.

We start our tale with Kevin Smith, the writer/director of Clerks and Chasing Amy. His other big film, Mallrats, was loaded with comic references (mainly to do with superheroes cocks), so Warner Bros brought him on board to write a script for 'Superman Lives', a movie that would deal with the 'death' of Superman, as done in the comics to lots of $$$.

Smith has given lots of interviews about his experience working on Superman Lives, but he reserved most of his criticism for the film's then-producer Jon Peters. Peters was Barbara Streisand's hair stylist before becoming a movie maker. If that's not bad enough, he's also the guy who made Wild Wild West. As Smith said about Peters - 'in Hollywood, you fail up.'

When he met with Peters, Smith was told his script had to comply with three things.

  • Superman would not fly
  • Superman would not wear his costume because it was too 'faggy'
  • Superman had to fight a giant spider in the third act

I'm not making that up. Other Peters ideas included Braniac, a Superman villain, having a robot sidekick with a 'gay black' voice, Superman having armed guards at his Fortress of Solitude, Braniac fighting polar bears, and did I mention he'd be fighting a giant spider?

Luckily, after Smith had written a few drafts, Tim Burton and Nicolas Cage were signed to direct and star, and Peters ideas were thrown away. Though surprisingly enough, Peters' film Wild Wild West included a giant spid-


Wait wait wait waitwaitwaitwait

Nicolas Cage?

As you may know, I think Nicolas Cage is a tool. But that's not why he'd be a horrible Superman. This is why Nicolas Cage would be a horrible Superman.

"It's you, you're The Rocketman"

Seriously, he looks like THAT and he wants to play James Bond and Superman? Why not just cast the daft old bitch from The Golden Girls to play Wonder Woman?

(Of course, saying 'daft old bitch from The Golden Girls' doesn't really narrow the field down much. I meant the really old one. Not the slutty one, the retarded one or the one that looked like a man.)

Anyway, Tim Burton rocks! He made Batman! And Batman Returns! And that had Christopher Walken in it! And his movies always look really unique, so his Superman would look awesome, right?


Hey, look, it's Edward Scissor-Hands-Man.

So after a few dozen MILLION DOLLARS were spent on pre-production and Burton and Cage's salary, they canned Superman for another few years, but as always - Superman LIVED!

In 2002, Superman was back in production, and J.J Abrams was going to write the script! He's the guy who made Alias, and Lost! And FELICITY! Hell yes! And McG, the guy who directed Charlies Angels 2: Full Throttle was going to direct! ..................... Shit.

Well, at least J.J would write a cool script!

J.J Abrams Superman script included:
  • Lex Luthor being changed from a meglomaniacal businessman into a Government Agent who was secretly from Krypton, Superman's home world, with the same powers as Superman
  • A Matrix-style kung-fu fight between Superman and... Super Lex
  • Jimmy Olsen, Clark Kent's photo-taking good buddy being gay
  • Superman's home planet Krypton doesn't explode, unlike every other Superman story ever. This is the equivalent of having Batman's parents alive and baking him cookies.
  • Superman dies, but his father on Krypton 'argues him out' of dying
  • A steaming pile of shit

Who would have thought that the man who gave the world Felicity could write something so crap. Anyway, the director's reins on Superman changed hands more than an amputee with a prosthetic arm before finally settling on Bryan Singer, who made the pretty swank looking Superman Returns.

And so ends our guide. If you'll excuse me, I have to go get changed in a phone booth. Not because I'm a superhero, I just like people watching me.

Wednesday, June 28

Hi. Sometimes words are boring. People seemed to like the glory that was Lady Punch, so I figured I'd link you to some more awesome videos I stumble upon on the interweb. There are plenty of blogs like VideoSift which are solely dedicated to linking to videos, but I thought once in a while I'd steal their gimmick and linky to some the true Champagne comedy, beginning today.

First, from the Maury Povich Show - a woman petrified of pickles.

Also from Maury - a white man is shocked to discover he is not the father of a black baby. He reacts the same way I did when Angelina told me Shiloh wasn't mine.

A crazy screaming lady screams crazily at people.

The best guy ever, Conan O'Brien, plays baseball - 1864 style with some re-creationists. It's my favourite Conan skit ever. Isn't that right, Cactus Chef playing 'We Didn't Start The Fire' on a flute?

From 1970's American children's show 'The Electric Company', Morgan Freeman sneezes, and Morgan 'The Easy Reader' Freeman dances. Sadly, he doesn't provide any voice-overs.

From The Daily Show, a funny bit on a political candidate who wants to legalise drunk driving on weekends.

From The Daily Show's nephew, The Colbert Report. A Congressman who sponsored a bill to display the Ten Commandments in Congress gets asked what the Ten Commandments are. Hypocrisy ensues.

Because the last two videos, while funny, were kind of political, let's get some balance. It's not boobies, but it's the other end. Not safe for work, as it may melt your monitor cause it's so HOT. Get it, I meant hot as in sexy, but I said it like it was hot as in the temperature. That's humourous. Oh, I also said 'other end', and 'end' means 'ass' and the video is a chick's ass. So deep. Not the ass, the joke. Shut up, Tommy.

This one is long, about 11 minutes, but hilariously awesome if you know anything about MySpace. It's MySpace: The Movie, and it's older than Santa Claus.

The world's fakest, and coolest looking wrestling move EVER - The Canadian Destroyer!

And finally, a self-confessed massive cricket fan, Prime Minister John Howard bowling a cricket ball. Good on you John, Tip Top's the one.

So yes. Some of these are quite obviously old, so if you've seen them before, get over it and post some new ones in the COMMENTS! Woop!@W#$

Tuesday, June 27

You don't have to be Australia's Braniest Asian Kid to figure out what today's blog is about.

Yes, after years of struggle, heartbreak, cheers and tears, the dream has come to an end in almost unimaginable circumstances. A nation is shattered.

Twinkle, a 0.9m female porcupine, has escaped from its enclosure at a farm visitors centre in north-west England.

Jim Peet, from the centre, was quoted as saying that Twinkle was normally "cool" but was classed as a dangerous wild animal because of her spiky appearance.

"She could make a real mess of someone's garden and she should not be approached as her quills contain poison and she could become flustered if backed into a corner," he added.

Twinkle's disappearance came after some British newspapers said police had received reports of a tiger on the loose in Yorkshire, northern England.

Come home, Twinkle

Oh, and also, Australia got screwed over by a Spanish referee in the World Cup. Luis Medina, Spain's most famous blind man, killed Australia's World Cup dreams by giving away a penalty that gifted Italy their 1-0 win in the absolute dying stages of injury time.


Now, we could sit here for ages and talk about how Australia dominated possession and how we should have scored when Italy only had 10 men and how FIFA should bring in video referees for important calls and how nobody is going to let their kids play soccer anymore, but that's boring. There's another World Cup in 4 years, so let's just look forward to getting screwed out of that by some dodgy Europeans.

But before we do that, let's talk options.

Medina's home country, Spain, currently spends about $10 billion annually on military expenditures. Australia spends $17 billion. However, Spain has over triple our available military personnel, and more aircraft, armor and artillery. Their infantry support systems are over double Australia's maximum capability. So a traditional military option is out of the question.

Now, we'd probably have the support of the U.S, which would obviously give us air superiority, but they've been a little stretched ever since an Iraqi referee cost them a berth in the 1998 World Cup semis. And to be honest, a full-scale invasion would probably generate too many Spanish civilian casualties. This situation really only deserves say, 200,000 brutal deaths, yet an invasion could produce triple that.

The last known photo of Spain

So, we go to Plan B. The old fallback, the ones that people who know nothing about the military always think can save the day - THE S.A.mother-frigging.S. We send in two Sabre squadrons of 4 troops a piece. In the cover of darkness, they arrive at the port of La Coruna. They make their way to the roof of the Meliá María Pita Hotel, where they will meet with their Spanish informant. Once he gives us their location, the Sabre Squadrons move, and kidnap Medina and his family. Hours of torture will produce a video-taped confession of his complicity in an Italy match-fixing conspiracy, which shall be broadcast over the internet on a secure channel. Once FIFA re-instate Australia into the World Cup, we release Medina and his family. At a cost of $3.2 million, I feel this is our only real option. The S.A.S troops, of course, will have shoot to kill permission, just incase any Spanish people give them a hard time, like in that movie Desperado, or it's prequel Once Upon A Time In Mexico.

Anyway, whatever happens, we're better than Italy at rugby union, rugby league, cricket, netball, swimming, athletics and every other single activity involving physical exertion that isn't making Cannelloni.

And because every blog needs a swear word

Go fuck yourself, Mario.

Monday, June 26


I've made my beliefs on Wil Anderson pretty clear in the past, so I apologise if this blog sounds like a retread. For those of you lucky enough to not know of this tosspot, he hosts The Glasshouse on ABC, some comedy festivals on Channel Ten and also does tricks on street corners for blow. Allegedly.

But this bastard crossed the line. Not content with plagiarising from his comedic role models like Pauly Shore, Jay Leno and Fatty Vautin, Wil has decided to steal jokes from ME!


Just take a look at the first paragraph of his Sunday Roast column in the Telegraph yesterday.
'I have to admit, I bum sheep for money'

Woops, wrong bit

'I have to admit, I wasn't planning to go and see The Da Vinci Code. I'm still pissed off because I reckon the whole idea is plagiarised from a book I wrote called The Ken Done Code. The only real difference was that, in my novel, by studying tea towels you could prove Jesus was a koala who lived under the Sydney Harbour Bridge.'



And mine had pictures! And a well-thought out conclusion! And a picture of the kid from the movie Mask!! But noooo, Wil Anderson gets paid to steal my joke and come up with some weakass Jesus is a Koala gimmick. THE FUCKING HEATHEN!!@

So, not only does he steal my lameass Ken Done Code joke, but he goes one better.

Look at the next paragraph.
'Some religious types are very angry at the book/film because they think it misrepresents the Bible. Then there are those who argue it is a work of fiction... so it's exactly like the Bible.'

I'm not going to claim I'm at the forefront of Bible/fiction comedy, it's not exactly fresh material, but I made a similar joke three weeks ago. It's like, rather than coming up with his own stuff, Wil just stumbles into my blog's June archives and picks all the bad jokes. Which is a pretty respectable feat in some respects, because they're so rare LOL!@2000

And you know, I wouldn't normally care if someone ripped off my jokes. I rip off other people's jokes all the time, but I'm not being PAID for it. My blog is FREE Anderson, you're getting MONEY for this crap, so the least you could do is come up with your own material and not steal jokes from a blog whose comedic quality fluctuates more than the fucking Dow Jones.

If my blog was funny enough to make money off it, I'd charge a subscription fee. But it's not Anderson, so stop stealing my jokes and stop ripping off the good people who accidentally read your column before they realise its written by some joke-stealing tosspot with a weak-ass goatee who sucks in saliva after every joke he makes and who is the only person in the word that could make Corrine Grant look funny when you compare her to the predictable boring-ass tripe you call entertainment, you poo poo pants.

Now, I'm trying my best to make this impartial, says Tommy with a straight face. So, I'll leave with this. This is a joke Wil Anderson wrote near the end of his column. I'm not going to say anything, I'm just going to transcribe the joke, and let you make up your own mind. Please remember, your tax dollars pay for the ABC, and Wil works for the ABC, so by extension - you pay for this. Ladies and Gentlemen, Wil Anderson...

'And forget all the kooky scripture games, the real mystery of this movie has got to be what the hell is going on with Tom's hair? 'Hey Mr Hanks, Dicko called and he wants his mullet back!'

Thank you for your time

Thursday, June 22

Long-Winded Excuse To Post Pictures of Britney Spears When She Was Hot

Remember to mention how fame is fleeting and shit like that

A Tommy Investigation

There is a good reason why people read magazines like NW and Who and Famous. Because bagging out celebrities for minor flaws makes everyone feel better about themselves. It's why Kirsty Alley's battle to not be a fat whale is a regular front-page feature, years after she actually acted in something. There's the stories about the hot celebrity couple's relationship troubles, complete with my personal favourite trash mag feature - The Insider.

The Insider is the friend of Brad Pitt, the acquaintance of Jennifer Aniston, the witness to Russell Crowe murdering a dude, the confidante of Kate Moss and the guy who delivers the wheelbarrows of cheeseburgers to Britney Spears. They are everywhere, and they have two things in common. They know everything, and they're completely fabricated. They provide us with first-hand quotes from a Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie argument that reads like dialogue from Home and Away. Hell, when Angelina gave birth in Namibia, they even had Namibian Insiders. The CIA doesn't have a global network as sophisticated as NW's posse of insiders.

But while made-up quotes from made-up fights are my favourite part of the crappytrashmags, everybody buys them for the pictures. And because my blog needed more boobs, that's what I'm bringing today. But I'm just not going to post hot pics of Britney before she got knocked up and devoured the entire Dominos menu, cause that's too blatant. Instead, I will put the hot pictures inbetween pictures of how the celebrity looks today, to make some deep comment about the fleeting nature of fame, or some shit like that.


Britney before

*Angels singing*

Britney after

Remember when you beat off to her?

And I know she's pregnant or whatever, but come on. She looks like the mum of the hot chick in the before photos who keeps entering her in beauty pageants because she got knocked up when she was eighteen and married some truck driver when she was 20 and now her child is the only thing that reminds her of her childhood where she'd bang truck drivers and get pregnant.

But you know what? I've had an epiphany. Britney looks crappy for a celebrity, but she's not UGLY. She's just made some bad lifestyle choices and got a blind woman to do her eyelashes. And anyway, in terms of a decline, nobody tops our next contestant.

Back in 1996, her name was Sunny. I loved her. She was the hottest chick in wrestling ever. Even hotter than Miss Elizabeth, and she was Macho Man's wife so you knew she was good. Sunny was so hot that when the mailman would deliver my monthly WWF Magazine, and she'd be on the cover, he'd think I was getting porn delivered. And she was wearing clothes! That's how hot she was.

I mean, sweet sassy o massy, look at this

Two reasons for the late 1990's wrestling boom

And now, two drug addictions later...

Is that a roast ham in your pocket,
or do my pores just excrete bacon?

So next time you're thinking of... being..famous. Don't. Cause.. you might get fat.


This has been a TommyIsCoolDotCom Community Service Announcement

Tuesday, June 20

I've watched plenty of dodgy movies in my time (not that kind) (ok maybe a few) (ok a bit more than that) (just guess a number and then double it), from American Ninja to Suburban Commando to every single generic 80's action movie ever. The first movie I remember seeing is Robocop when I was about 6, thanks to my brother insisting I get a healthy dose of ultra-violence to counteract all the Care Bears I was watching.

However, I'm not exactly a movie buff. I've never seen The Godfather II, or the second half of Pulp Fiction, or Casablanca, or the Lord Of The Rings, or Titanic, or You Got Served. But like everyone else, I've seen hundreds of movies. And that's the only requirement you need for my next blog.

Wasn't That The Guy In The Thing?

Tommy's Guide To Those Guys In Movies All The Time That You Don't Know The Names Of But Man I Swear I've Seen Him Someplace Before... Maybe He's The Guy From Terminator 2?

Everyone has favourite actors. Some people even have favourite actresses if you ask them to really think. But there is a breed of actors who don't get their names on movie posters, who don't get their own action figures or signing bonuses. They are the character actors, the people who make the stars look like stars. Their faces are instantly recognisable, yet... You don't know what from. They are the Joint Chiefs in military thrillers, the bad guy mobsters, the evil martial arts bad guy, the crooked businessman, or the wise old guy.

They're not Jean Reno, or Brian Denehey, they're the guys who work for Jean Reno and Brian Denehey. But, there was a time when a well-known supporting actor like Jean Reno was one of these men, these chosen few, this... Band of Brothers.

Now, I could drop some names, but as I said - you wouldn't know them. Nobody does. That's the gimmick. Instead, take a look at these guys.

I'll tell you their names, just in case the curiosity is getting to you. In the top row, the first guy you might know because he has a unique name. That's Rip Torn. Next to him is Bob Gunton. The last guy on the top row is Charles Napier. In the bottom row, that's James Rebhorn, Michael Rooker and David Paymer.

Now, let's try that again. The top row is, from left to right

  • The Guy From Men In Black And Artie From The Larry Sanders Show
  • Wasn't He The Evil Sick Dude From Desperate Housewives and HOLY SHIT THAT'S THE WARDEN FROM SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION!@
  • The Lead 'Good Old Boy' from The Blues Brothers and... Wait, He Wasn't In Rambo Was He?

And the second row
  • That Guy Who Always Plays Crooked Politicians and Generals
  • The Bad Ass Guy Who Is Always A Cop Or The Henchman That Goes After The Good Guy
  • Not Even This Guy Knows What We Remember Him From
Now, these guys are all terrific actors. Especially Charles Napier, who based on that photo has looked exactly the same for the last thirty years. If they didn't look like bad guys, cops and smarmy lawyers, they probably would have made it huge because of their ability. There's still a chance for them too, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who just a few years ago was That Dicky Guy From Patch Adams won an OSCAR.

But there is a character actor who surpasses every single one of them. He is in a field of his own. You will know him as The Guy Who Always Plays The Bad Asian Guy. But now you will know and respect him for his real name. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...

James Hong.

Hah, Foolish American. You dare try to escape?

He was in Hero with Jet Li, The Art Of War with Wesley Snipes, Blade Runner, Tango and Cash and he was General Trau in the Chuck Norris masterpiece Missing In Action. He's acted in pretty much every successful television series ever - The X-Files, Taxi, Alias, Hawaii Five-O, The West Wing, Friends, even shows you've never heard of like Airwolf, Manimal and The Wackiest Ship In The Army.

Basically, he's the guy who Hollywood calls when they need an Asian. To prove this point, Hong was in four episodes of the series MacGyver, playing THREE different characters - Chu, Lee and Kuang. He played EIGHT different characters in the 70's action series Kung Fu.

You think Morgan Freeman can get away with that?

You think Brad Pitt, or Joaquin Phoenix has that range?

You think Marlon Brando could have played an Asian?

Hell no.

James Hong is a legend. He is exactly what I had in mind when I wrote the title to this blog. Come award season, this guy should get an honourary Oscar for his work.

So next time you watch a film, don't think of the pooncy star getting paid millions to pretend to run away from an explosion, think of the guys who truly make the movie. The character actor. James Hong, Bruce Davison, Michael O'Neill, The Dicky Guy From Ghostbusters With The Red Beard Who Shuts Down Their Ghost Containment Machine, for they are the true stars of Hollywood.

And none of them have vaginas.

Monday, June 19

“Security, safety and sex are the big concerns,” said Henrik Christensen, a member of the Euron ethics group. How far should robots be allowed to influence people’s lives? How can accidents be avoided? Can deliberate harm be prevented? And what happens if robots turn out to be sexy?

Yes, Henrik Christensen, what IF robots turn out to be sexy?

I'm Tommy, and welcome to Media Watch.

Sorry, always wanted to say that. Ever notice how Media Watch always opens like that? What? Three of you? Lanolin? Awesome. But I'm not here to discuss sex with robots, even though I'd probably shag C3P0.




Today's blog topic is Butch Lesbians.

Open your copies of the Herald Sun to page 14.

'Ex-lover warned Renae Lawrence'.

Convicted drug smuggler Renae Lawrence was warned by her ex-lover not to get involved with the Bali Nine ringleader.


Lawrence said her relationship ended just before she was arrested and she has a new Balinese girlfriend who shared her cell.
Lawrence also spoke of her embarrassment when Balinese police thought she was a man.
"One ripped open my shirt and saw that I had a woman's body," she said.
"They thought I was one of the boys. It was very embarrassing for me. He was really shocked and I was totally humiliated."
Lawrence said she had become depressed and made several attempts on her life. "I was at my lowest. I thought my life was over. I wanted to die."

I know she's been given a harsh sentence, and I know she's probably endured all sorts of hardships in a dodgy Indonesian cell, but come on, love.

It's not exactly the cast of Australia's Next Top Model here. The pack of Marlboro ciggies in her hand in the right pic isn't exactly helping her cause either. All she needed was to accessorise with a West Coast wine cooler and a pair of Stubbies and she'd pass for a cleanly-shaved David Boon. And how much does she look like Pacey from Dawson's Creek in the bottom left pic? And just quietly Renae - that whole little Balinese GIRLFRIEND shindig isn't really convincing people you're not a bloke either. I've seen less masculine guys in VB ads.

I had 3 days to write this blog.

Thursday, June 15

So like, I'm a Lost fanboy from way back. Like, all the way back to the year 2005. Rockin dat shit old school. Anyway, there is a character in Lost called Walt. Walt's a little black kid who we think has magic powers. A flashback to his life before he crashed onto PlotHole Island showed him reading a book about birds, then get angry at his Mum, only for a bird to appear out of nowhere and smash into the window. Then, he reads a comic book with a polar bear in it, and a polar bear appears on the island. Freaky, huh. Pity he gets eaten by an anaconda in the season finale lol spoilers.

Basically, Walt has pre-cognitive powers. He thinks something, then it happens. If he was an X-Man, they'd call him... Future Making Boy or something. Or Black Magic.

I sense Captain Picard will play me in a dissapointing
but commercially successful sequel to X-Men 2

The point of me re-hashing unused, average jokes from the Guide To Lost is simple.

I think I have the same power.

See, last night at about 6pm, I was picking my sister up from Baulkho shops. Because Baulkham Hills always votes Liberal, we don't get a train line, so people coming from the city catch the M2 bus and get picked up. I was parked in the car park, listening to old tapes of Latham press conferences, when I spot my sis about 50m down the road, waiting at the crossing. And for some sick reason, maybe because I was bored, I was thinking to myself 'I hope she doesn't get hit by a car crossing the road'. Just one of those thoughts that flies through your head without you knowing, brett finch i want to kill you.

Anyway, she crosses the road safely and all is well. But here's the twist. In the business, we call this next bit a swerve. That's why I'm going to write it in capitals.

As she walked towards my car in the carpark.... (here it comes) SHE ALMOST GOT HIT BY A VAN!

I bolded the swerve there too, just in case you missed it. But this van dead set only stopped about 60cm before my sis. Granted, she was wearing a black jacket and it was pretty dark, but this dick almost hit my flesh and blood, so I fired up and was all like FUCK YOU MATE bam flicked him the bird and hoped he didn't get out of his car because I had my seat belt on and I'd be defenseless but also because he was a wog and I don't think I could have taken him and he had more hair on his back than i did on my entire body

Luckily for me and my underpants, he just said some lame excuse about how it was 'dark'. And here I was thinking they invented the HEADLIGHT. Or maybe his headlights were just covered up with the BLOOD OF THE OTHER PEOPLE HE'S RUN OVER.

But the point of this article is - I think I'm psychic. I believe that by thinking about my sis getting run over at the crossing, I cursed her to almost get hit in the car park. I also believe that by posting about my sister on my blog, I'm opening myself up to a parade of sister jokes in the comments. I also believe that when typing that last line, I shouldn't have said 'opening myself up'.

Anyway, don't mess with me or I'll make you almost get hit by a car

Wednesday, June 14

So Abu Bakar Bashir got released from prison today. He's the mastermind behind the Bali Bombings which killed 88 Australian citizens. He also takes fashion advice from 50 Cent, based on that kick-ass white skullcap he and his mates bust out.

Abu Bakar Bashir and the G-Unit

Obviously, every single rational person in Australia would like to see this buck-toothed nutbar rot in a prison cell for the rest of his life and have bamboo shoots inserted in his urethra twice a week, but there are mitigating circumstances. Even tosspots like Alexander Downer know this situation isn't right, but Indonesia is a sovereign nation and it is not in Australia's best interest to interfere. Having a good relationship with the world's most populous Muslim nation is a good thing for this country, pissing them off by telling them that blowing people up is bad is not a way to ensure the security of our nation.

Or some shit like that. The above paragraph is the answer you give when people ask you what you think about Indonesia. Maybe even open with a comment about how 'Schapelle got 20 years but Bashir only got 14 months' so nobody gets suspicious.

What we all really want to happen is for John Howard to slip some ex-SAS guy a plane ticket to Indonesia and $50,000 from some marginal electorate slush fund, and for Abu Bakar Bashir's brains to be AbuBakar-blown away with an explosive round. And then maybe the SAS guy could go 'Now that's what I call a skull cap', and everybody laughs.

But that probably won't happen. Instead, let's talk about the evil terrorist masterminds we can do something about.


It's Game II of the State of Origin tonight. Mate vs mate, state vs state, the cockroaches vs the cane toads, the Blues vs the Maroons, the people who can count to ten vs the Queenslanders. It'll be hyooge, and as usual, it's time for Tommy's Annual State Of Origin Game II joke. This may contain a RUDE WORD, and we all know how bad RUDE WORDS are so if you don't like RUDE WORDS maybe you should fuck off. Shit.

Anyway, here it goes

What's the difference between a Queenslander and a Canetoad?

The Canetoad doesn't fuck it's sister

Thank you!!

Thank you!! Oh please, stop! Thank you!

Oh, flowers?! For me?! My goodness gracious! Why thank you! What an honour! Thank you, weird looking woman with pink neck brace and drunk man and creepy gay guy with black rimmed glasses leering in background! What a surprise!

I just wanted to see what I'd look like with a tan

(And big ole fat titties)

Tuesday, June 13


Friday, June 9

There's been a lot said about the Da Vinci Code and the whole Opus Dei deal and the missing gospels and Jesus' reputation as a pants man and what not, all stemming from the popularity of the book and the recent release of the Da Vinci Code movie, starring Tom Hank's hair extensions. So, I thought I'd show those Catholics who was the boss and plonk down $8.50 to see what all the fuss was about. I also bought a bottle of water and a Cadbury Mint Crisp bar, so that probably pushed the total up to about $11. Take that, Pope.

The movie itself was pretty good, if you've read the book there'll be a few scenes where you're convinced Ron Howard was stealing your thoughts because they're just exactly how you pictured it. Well, except the scene where you saw the albino killer Silas' ass cheeks, I didn't get much of a porno vibe when I read the book.

Anyway, it got me thinking. If Leonardo Da Vinci hid secret messages in his art that led to the unravelling of a biblical mystery, what secrets are other artists hiding? Maybe there are secrets in Australian art! I could find my very own conspiracy, then post about it on my blog and get RICH! Or, at the very least, get on TEN NEWS FIRST AT FIVE! So I visited the nearest Art Gallery, brought a C.S.I blue light to check for clues and dried semen, and found something that shocked me to the core.

I give you....

Da Ken Done Code.

I know what you're saying to yourself. How could you, an unemployed porn star from Baulkham Hills who has never studied art in his life manage to unravel mysterious meanings in complicated art works such as these?

Well, let's just say I've got good eyesight. And the blue light came in pretty handy. Especially when I was choosing a seat on the bus.

And what secrets DID you find Tommy? What deep, dark earth-shattering truth is Ken Done hiding? Let me show you. The first clue was hidden deep within the piece titled 'White Tiled Opera House'.

Can you see it?

Look closer. See with your own eyes what I saw with my wicked blue light.

It's the Opera House. The first clue. Enthused with the thrill of the hunt, and knowing that I would soon unravel the truth behind this liar's facade, I continued searching. This time in a 1994 piece entitled 'Magpie Morning'. Why Done named it so is a mystery that baffles historians to this day.

Can't see it? Perhaps if we zoom in. And by zoom in, I mean zoom in ON THE TRUTH.

Yes. If you get rid of the two green lines and look at it funny, you can find a CROSS. And we all know what a CROSS signifies.


Bar Cha Ba Chewy Cha, Ba Chewy Cha.

Ryan Cross, a centre for the Sydney Roosters. No coincidence that he plays for a team based near the SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE?

And who does Ryan Cross resemble?

The kid from the film 'Mask'.

Joey, I can't believe you and Pacey started dating behind my back

And wait, I hear you tell yourself. Wasn't CHER in that film, playing the mother of the disfigured boy?

That's not a necklace, it's her voice box

You know Cher, one of the DIVAS of pop music? And isn't "DIVA" a term originally derived from OPERA? It's all coming together now, isn't it?

With all these clues, my conclusion was simple.

Ken Done is part of a centuries-old artistic sect, including luminaries such as Pro Hart and Pablo Picasso, which meet in the bowels of the Sydney Opera House and attempt to create ugly, ugly people (see Ryan Cross, Cher) in order to make their shitty, kindergarten artwork look respectable by comparison.

That's how you solve a mystery, Hanks.

Thursday, June 8

I could dead-set watch this video every single day and not get sick of it.

Wednesday, June 7

East Timor: We don't know what happened to West Timor eitherAn investigative report by Tommy

Two people have told me I should write about this hullaballoo in East Timor, and considering that's about 50% of my readership, who am I to say no?

(I also couldn't think of anything else to write about)

I'm not going to bullshit you, I had no idea what was going on in East Timor until I looked it up earlier today. Sure, I heard words like 'widespread violence' and 'brink of civil war' and 'actually Jessica, these men were put here by your stage manager', but I really had no idea why these people were fighting. I mean, the UN were in East Timor, so what could possibly go wrong?

The launch of the 2006 Toyota Inferno goes horribly wrong


The current crisis in East Timor, not to be confused with the 673 other crisis' in the country's history stems from a dispute within the East Timorese military. East Timorese? East Timorian? East Timeran? No, you were right the first time, Tommy. Everyone else is wrong.

You see, the resistance movement that fought for East Timorese independence all those years back was called Falintil. Ignoring the fact they named their resistance movement after a legume, Falintil was comprised of mainly Eastern East Timorianesesans. So, logic said that once they gained independence, the East Timoreseiane military would be comprised of mainly Easterners.

Now that would be cool, if it wasn't for them pesky West East Timorese saying that because of the Eastern East Timorese dominance of the military (also known as the FTDL, or 'fetiddle'), Western East Timorese were being discriminated against by their Eastern East Timorese counterparts. Yes, things were definitely going South for the West East Timorese.

So, what do you do when things don't go your way? You quit! About 600 Westerners deserted the FTDL, hooked up with some members of the police force and some of their civilian sympathisers and took to the streets in protest.

This group was led by Lieutenant Gastao Salsinha, 2003 winner of East Timor's Most Unfortunate Name Competition. After clashes with the FTDL led to fatalities and the destruction of 100 buildings, the you-know-what hit the you-know-what.


Anyway, because we're the only country in our region with planes that can fly, Australia led the international military response to the crisis, codenamed Operation Astute.

Operation Astute.


as·tute Audio pronunciation of "astute" ( P )
Having or showing shrewdness and discernment, especially with respect to one's own concerns. See Synonyms at shrewd.

Was Operation Discerning taken? Did Operation Savvy just have the wrong ring to it? Did we reject Operation Ingenious because it was too pooncy? Who names these Operations? What happened to good names, like Operation Rolling Thunder, or Operation Final Solution? I think you can tell that the ADF is a little stretched when we've run out of cool, awe-inspiring names for missions and moved on to synonyms for 'perceptive'.

Man, if those East Timorese could read, they'd be laughing at us so hard.

The Aussie-led mission has helped to quell the unrest, but East Timor is still embroiled in violence. President Xanana 'Banana' Gusmao, the 2005 Winner of East Timor's Most Unfortunate Name competition has declared a state of emergency, giving him control over the country's police and military forces. There is also speculation that East Timor's Prime Minister Mari Alkatiri will be forced to resign due to pressure from the rebels and a UN investigation into the crisis. Because those UN investigators always do such a good job.

Anyway, looks like East Timor is going to be screwed up for a while longer, so if the news of more casualties, riots and general civil unrest is getting you down, just do what I do.

Blame that smirking cock Alexander Downer.


Tuesday, June 6

You've all heard the news. I don't know how I found the strength to write this blog and record this interview, but I did. Ladies and Gentlemen, a TommyIsCoolDotCom exclusive, the Latham Interview: Post-Trial Edition.

Download it as an mp3 here or as a zip here.

World's Greatest Photoshop

Monday, June 5

With only I have no freaking idea how many days to the 2006 football World Cup, it's time for TOMMY'S I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SOCCER GUIDE TO THE CORLD WUP!

Emoticon vs Emoticon for the greatest prize in football

The 2006 World Cup, held bi-annually in Germany, is the pride of the soccer world. Football world, sorry. I know how some people get when you call football 'soccer'. Probably just as angry as me when people call me 'Tom', or 'Gazza', or 'Hey you, what are you doing to that tree'.

This year's World Cup holds a special interest for residents of the small island nation of Australia, who have qualified to lose in the first round for the first time in three decades. Children across the nation are putting up posters of their favourite Socceroos, like Harry Kewell, Mark Viduka, Tim Cahill and the woggy one. Other, less faggy children, are putting up posters of actual sportsmen, like Brett Finch.

I could talk about Australia's chances in their pool, or how Brazil's issued a warning with their four-goal display against New Zealand in their pre-match game, or how Poland are ready to use a five-man midfield or how Scolari warned Ronaldo to cool it or even how remember to copy paste another headline from official fifa world cup website here. But I won't. Because that would be pretending I knew anything. Sure, pretending I know stuff is how I got a GPA of 3.23 at uni (remember to bold that for emphasis tommy), but it just wouldn't be right.

So I'll talk about other stuff that's somewhat related to soccer enough to pass as content, and then post a funny picture.

So what's the go with all the soccer players being named Ronaldo. Even Ronaldinho was born as Ronaldo. Luckily, Ronaldinho got evicted from Big Brother last night, so he's free to play for whatever country he is from. Brazil maybe. Probably. Who cares. His family probably.

And how cool is the stadium?

That wasn't the funny picture by the way. I could probably make an arsehole joke or something.

Though, with a hole that size it would have to be a pretty big arse.


Ooowaaa Janette stop touching me there ooowaaa

Brazil look like the favourites going into the World Cup, though they won in 2002 and no team has won back-to-back World Cups since... Brazil in '58 and '62. Man I'm shit at this. Let's just cut straight to the funny soccer picture shall we.

God damn it I can't even get that right

Sunday, June 4

Ok, ok, ok, ok. I give up. You write one blog, one blog bagging out some kooky Christians, and it makes your blog break some people's internet browsers. I repent, I bow to you, oh wise Allah. I will never, ever, ever make another blog about religion again, for your blog-hacking powers know no bounds (peace be upon him).

So, if you'd like to see THE FORBIDDEN BLOG THAT HOPEFULLY NO LONGER BREAKS THE INTERNET, click that link. I banished it to the May 2006 archives, so if they break when you click on them, well you'll know why.