The Breakfast Club Incident

Morning, all. I'm here to deliver some undesirable news, and that is that there is trouble afoot in the world of Baulkham Hills breakfast radio.

Regular viewers of Tommy's blog will remember that we have previously mentioned radio superstar Derek Granger:



Seeing as Tommy is such a big fan of Mr Granger Esq. and his profound body of work, we at TommyIsCoolDotCom can bring you exclusive audio of Granger's latest on-air debacle. Enjoy.

powered by matt's crazy audio technology

Wow. Just wow. And if you don't believe that it happened, you can get proof here! And to think that Peter Dimbrowsky, who is this blog's favourite Baulkham Hills Shire councillor, was about to be subjected to that filth. It's good that he was not involved so he can go on leading that glorious shire into a golden age. One day he'll be mayor. Go Dimbrowsky, go!

My Eighteenth Favourite Site

I like pages that do things for you. Like, YouTube automatically sorts all the DaxFlame videos to the top of my screen. My blog shows me the most recent comments on the top right. LathamPorn.com automatically downloads the latest videos for me.

And now, Fundies Say The Darndest Things! does my religion-bashing.

props to some hotty for linking me the site

It's basically a collection of quotes, from sites like ChristianForums.com, and FreeConservatives.com, AnswersInGenesis.org and other conservative Christian sites. And, it's Top 100 Quotes page is a pure, unadulterated comedic goldmine. All I have to do is copy-paste!

Here's one where a God Warrior has written a little skit about a typical atheist household (and spells 'Atheist' wrong). The Atheist Dad comes home, from a long day of... not worshipping a god, and hilarity ensues...

ATHIEST DAD: Hey!
ATHIEST MOM: Hi, honey! I'm pregnant again. I guess I'll just get another abortion, since "fetuses don't count as human life."
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, get as many abortions as you want!
ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don't go in the bedroom.
ATHIEST DAD: Why not?
ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men fucking eachother in there.

God, it's like the screenplay to Hey Dad!

Here's Crash, from TheologyOnline...

"You got it backwards.

Creationism is based upon science, reason and tons of evidence.

Evolution is based on the blind acceptance of superstitions and fairy tales."

Now, obviously a lot of the quotes on this site are from the special kind of American fundies, who think Jesus is George Bush's National Security Advisor, and that NASCAR is the Lord in action. And that leads to even more gold...

"I appreciate your recommendation, and it is intriguing, but as a pro-lifer, I cannot support an organization that is opposed to the death penalty."

And a tiny bit of racism....

"But God don't talk in Arabic. He talks in a REAL language, namely, English. It's true that back in them days He translated that to some other language after Speaking it in English, but after all, it's His universe and He can do what He doggone well wants to do.

And some more gold. I hope they're not talking about Obama :(

"As a Christian (of sorts and kind of), I know it is harsh, uncivil, boorish and very unchristianlike not to wish someone a speedy recovery. Nevertheless ... he's a Democrat. Democrats are the most horrific enemies this Christian, conservative nation will ever face.

You know...that one might actually be right...

For the sake of religious balance, here's an equally dumb quote from an atheist...

We Should show Christians that their religion shall not be tolerated. They should all be put in extermination camps and they shall die. And then they'll realize they have no soul and the bible is a bunch of crud."

Though, in his defense, he did write it on YouTube. You can say anything there.


Of course, there's also some debating tips, for the people who might try to use a site like this against them...

""Make sure your answer uses Scripture, not logic.""

Hehe. Man, that one was "funny".

“The gay sensibility,” one speaker informed the audience, is ironic and characterized by the excessively performative use of “air quotes.”

Indeed, irony itself is a gay invention, a coping mechanism for gay people who recognize that they don’t really fit in with normal society."

Well, I "guess" that "makes" me a "flaming queer" then. God, this feels like rain on my wedding day.

And now, the World's Most Inappropriate LOL ...

"If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol"

Of course, there's some that I think are made-up. At least, they HAVE to be made-up. Nobody can be this funny. But, regardless, it's my favourite quote on the site....

How can anyone beleive we evolved from monkeys heres a few questions for people who beleive that

1.If we did evolve from monkeys then how come babies arent born monkeys

2.Even Darwin said his theories were wrong before he died so why do you still believe them

3.do you really not believe the bible it says we were created in seven days not millions of years

4.how come we cant speak monkey

That guy should write me a guest blog.

I would pay him in bananas, lol

Audio Blog: HorseFaceGate

Yes, as if a 10-comment extravaganza wasn't enough, HorseFace/TommyIsARacistGate has been picked up by the mainstream media.

Listen to this story, which was on Channel Nine's morning bulletin.


Warning: Contains Bad Impressions



props to dj locu for hosting

Two Sort-Of Freaky Heads Are Better Than One Completely Freaky Head

OK, brace yourselves, people. I know that, lately, I've been posting a whole lot of weird stuff and videos you'd probably prefer never to have been exposed to, but once I'm involved in something I don't quit until it's done. This is also why I am still campaigning for Sir William Lyne to become Australia's Prime Minister. Sorry, K-Rudd, Willy was here first.

Oh God, what a beard. You glorious bastard.

Anyway. Strap yourselves in. Batten down some fucking hatches.





Now, this whole 'two-headed' issue has brought up a number of questions I believe need answering.

When it comes to love and marriage, will they both have to love one dude and he'll be married to one? Or two? or something?

How many tits do they have?

Does their mother let them go out trick or treating for Halloween? If they knocked on my door I would be scared shitless and try to hit them with a shovel. Or, best costume ever award.

So is it incest if they, uh, yeah. We'll come back to that one later, maybe.

If one of them consents to a sexual act but the other doesn't, did a rape occur?

If they find they were abducted and neither consented to sex and were raped, do they charge the rapist with one count of rape or two?

They each control an arm, but what if one was right handed and the other was left handed? But, like, the wrong way around.

When you call them over, do you have to call both of them? I'm assuming you only need to call one, because the other will always come with her, but is it rude not to call both?

Ooh, I got another one. If a vampire were to turn one of them but not the other, what would happen if she went out into the sun? Would part of her dissolve into ash and then she's normal? Shit the girl has two hearts, which one do you stake?

If they make out with one another, is that incest or masturbation?

If one of them masturbates, she's fingering her sister. So they'd have to discuss when to masturbate. What if one's in the mood to and the other one doesn't want to? Fuck. There are too many questions.

I'm also guessing every porn site on the internet will be bidding for them to do some type of porn once they turn legal.

If they have a kid who is the mother? I hereby demand to know what happens if one wants an abortion and the other doesn't.

Can they breed and make a race of two-headed people.

Who wipes the ass?

How are they allowed to drive? I'd fucking wreck the shit out of my car if I saw that on the road, because I'd fucking flip out. That shit is crazy.

What if Nazis opened up the Ark of the Covenant in front of them and one looked while the other didn't? OR, what happens if one drank from a false Grail while the other drank from the real Grail?

Would mutual simultaneous oral sex with them be called a 68?

If one of them ever commited a crime, would she be jailed? I mean, the other one is innocent.

If they have two stomachs, do both need to eat?

If one punches the other in the face, do both feel it? Maybe they could just have an arm wrestling contest.

If they got glasses, would the kids at school call them 'eight-eyes'?

If you kick a soccer ball in the air near them, do you still say 'heads up'?

Do they kiss each other on the lips when they sleep?

What if one's in deep, deep sleep, and the other has to pee?

Can one of them hold their breath indefinately because the other one will be oxygenating their blood?

If they go underwater, can they stay under extra long because they have more lungs?

Do you think you could convince one that the other is secretly plotting against her?

If one converts to Judaism is the other one allowed to eat pork? Actually, look at them, do you think God cares?

What happens if they both turned their heads around at the same instant and clashed heads? Could you say you just saw someone headbutt themselves?

OK, seriously, I have to stop now. I'm giving myself an aneurysm.

Matt and Tommy's Bi-Annual Samuel Gordon Stewart Bashing - Part Three - Gold

Yes, it's time. Part 3 of Matt and Tommy's Bi-Annual SGS Bashing. Now, you might notice the following items we found on Sambo's blog open him to a certain kind of criticism. A criticism that, while brutally funny, and maybe even true, would open myself and the blog up to... how you say... shitloads of lawsuits. So, as I'm allergic to multi-million dollar slander cases, I will be censoring some of the remarks Matt and I made on MSN.

(Okay, it's mainly just Matt's stuff.)

In place of defamatory words, I will place a picture of Bert Newton's head.

For example, I might say.... Samuel Gordon Stewart is a

You get it? Awesome. Let's roll.

I promised you a video. Here it is. This, ladies and Gentlemen, is Samuel-Gordon Stewart, showing us..... rain.

matt says (3:42PM):
TOMMY
OH MY GOD
IT'S HIM!

Tommy says (3:43PM):
ajahahaha
AHAHAHAH
i am doing that eyes wide open eyebrows up lol

Tommy says (3:44PM):
oh
my
god

matt says (3:45PM):
IT'S RAIN
WE'VE SEEN IT
IT DOESN'T DESERVE A MINUTE'S FOOTAGE

matt says (3:45PM):
OH GOD HES GREASY

Tommy says (3:45PM):
ahahahah

matt says (3:46PM):
ewww
BIGGEST SMILE EVER

Tommy says (3:46PM):
ahahaha

matt says (3:46PM):
THAT'S SCREENSHOT WORTHY

matt sends PEDOSMILE.JPG

And with that, let's move to something a little light and non-defamatory. Don't worry, it's still creepy.


So, what's Samuel's first-thought, survey response to something you'd borrow from a friend?

Tommy says (3:52PM):
ok, that's just scary

And hey, ever wonder what went down at Samuel's Christmas, aside from disposing of bodies using a borrowed shovel? Here's what he got from his Godfamily.




That's awesome. I know kids around Australia unwrapped their Nintendo Wii's, hoping instead they were Christmas albums they couldn't play for another 340 days.

But Samuel wasn't the only one who got a present on Christmas day. Even his dog, Nattie got some treats.

matt says (3:56PM):
HE'S TRAINING HIS DOG TO SUCK HIS

Tommy says (3:56PM):
ahahahahahahahahahah

Though, Samuel didn't really want a CD for Christmas. He wanted a camera.

matt says (3:58PM):
'sometimes discreetly'

matt says (3:58PM):
he's a fucking

Tommy says (3:58PM):
ahahaha
we can't say that!!

matt says (3:59PM):
YES WE CAN
IT'S FUCKING TRUE

Tommy says (3:59PM):
i'll just post it with the humphrey thing

Humphrey thing, you say?

matt says (3:54PM):
OH GOD
TOMMY
HE IS A CHILD EVIL

matt says (3:54PM):
MAKE THAT THE HEADLINE

Tommy says (3:54PM):
ahahahaha

matt says (3:54PM):
HE STA KIDS AT HUMPHREY B BEAR SHOWS, TAKES THEIR PICTURES AND OFF TO THEM USING HIS FACE GREASE AS

Tommy says (3:55PM):
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha

Tommy says (3:55PM):
its so sad that joke will only ever find its audience with me

And that's it. In summation...

• Discreet photography
• Watches Humphrey B. Bear
• Gives bowls of hot dogs to petrified dog

And...



You don't need our help to figure out he's a

Who is Tommy?

Now, given the recent departure of Master Tommy, I have been left with very little to do, seeings as my number one hobby this week was ordering pizzas to his house and asking for 'extra sauce, lots and lots of sauce, oh man I love that sauce I think I could just roll around in it and feel it on my body' then watching the look on the delivery guy's face when Tommy answers the door. Reluctant to give up my preferred method of killing time, I decided to turn to our generation's other great timewaster, the Internet.

So, some of you may have heard of grouphug.us. It's basically a site where weird, messed up and completely alone people can go and confess things they can't confess to anyone except the entire fucking world on the Internet. So you can imagine my surprise when one entry in particular just seemed to jump out at me:

Fig 1. The grouphug post, referencing Tommy's pasty white skin so we know it's him.

Wait.. the guy's gone to a HILLSONG CONVENTION?

WITHOUT ME?

I had no idea Tommy was into weird cults, terrible music, peversion of religion and giving all his money to some guys who live in mansions in Castle Hill. It started me thinking, what else does he do that we don't know about? So I hired a private detective (read, my buddy Tom Walker) and sent him out to find out what the deal-yo is.


Thomas Walker, world's foremost detective and consumate pants-man.

I do seriously and strenuously warn you at this stage, what he found will shock you.

First, Walker went right to the source - the Hillsong group - and, after we pledged them our eternal souls and a life of servitude (and something about $40,000) we were shown this image from their archives.


The God-loving bass-guitar jivin' bastard!

Apparently at the now defunct site http://www.iwanttohavensyncsbabies.com/ there was a formidable fan-art section in which Detective Walker unearthed this disturbing image.


Tommy is the faggy looking one. No, the other faggy looking one.

Finally, Tom Walker apparently turned to IMDB, where he found this:


Tommy's IMDB entry. Not pictured: Tommy's XXXDVD Entry.


And when you Google for that, you never know what you're going to find.


I WANT TO UNSEE IT BUT I CAN'T.

I HOPE THE SICKO NEVER COMES BACK

Isabel Lucas Tamsyn Lewis Lesbian Dumps Wil Anderson Beazley Bauer: Search Hits Through The Ages

As I post more blogs, and as more people link to them, more people find my site from Googling. And the best thing about that is, I get to see what they're looking for when they stumble upon my little world. I've done a blog like this before when I first got going, but things have picked up recently, so it's time for some idea recycling. It helps stop global warming of the blogosphere, you know.

Most of the searches are pretty innocent. I get a few for topical things. I wrote about The Glasshouse, and now I get hits for 'Corrine Grant bias' and 'Wil Anderson'. I'm very proud to say that at the moment, the 30th result at Google for "Wil Anderson" is me calling him a cock.

If I write about something obscure, something there's not much about on the internet, I get search hits too. Like for 'Happy Healthy Harold'. Sadly, I get zero hits from people searching for 'Handsome bloggers'. Got two hits for people searching for transvestite bloggers, but that's a different story.

My main rival for the #1 spot. I hate you, Tommyina.

But above all, my favourite hits are the ones from weird or dirty searches. Matt wrote a guest blog where he mentioned Isabel Lucas from Home and Away. Now, I get people finding my blog searching for 'Isabel Lucas naked pics', 'Isabel Lucas black hair', and 'Isabel Lucas europe'. Tamsyn Lewis also got mentioned when I bitched about Jana Pittman, so I get hits for 'Tamsyn Lewis sexy pics' and 'Tamsyn Lewis slut'. Welcome, horny athletics fans.

Search for 'Matt Shirvington the package', and I'm result #9. Coincidentally, 9 is also the size of his package lol penis joke.

I'll have to give REDACTED credit for my numerous Maxi-Pad hits, especially my favourite - 'Maxi Pad Gifts'. Happy Anniversary honey, here's some tampons.

Making a joke about Casey Donovan taking a dump a few months ago showed poor judgement on my part. I only realised this when I got a hit from someone search for 'fat girls taking big dumps'. I hope you found what you were looking for, Mr. Howard.

It's not all dodgy though, sometimes it's just mind-blowingly obscure. My favourite of those is a Google for 'Jack Bauer Schapelle Corby'. Why? Just.. why put those two together? Is he going to rescue her from prison?

only jack bauer could carry 4kg of marijuana in his man-bag

But above all, the reason for today's blog was to share with you my finest search hit. At Ask.com, I am hit #4 for 'Kim Beazley can't even see himself pee'.


Today is the proudest day of my life.



BREAKING NEWS ALERT (10:20pm, 7/11/06):

Ignore everything I said about that shit Beazley search. After I posted this blog, sometime this afternoon, someone using a Mac in the United States found my blog by Googling 'Can cum stain skin'.

It gets better...


I was the #1 Result.

I'm good friends with a lot of scientists. They give me drugs, I take them, I get money. Harmless. Absolutely no side-effects.

what was that jonathon

kill them?

all of them?

no

not yet jonathon

And being mates with a scientist has its perks - I get access to all the cool new inventions before they're released! For example I was one of the first people to drive a Segway, I tested the iPod Nano, and I was the first person in Australia to take RU-486. Though, that last one gave me the runs. Anyway, my scientist friend Dr. William Contrived Setup has recently put the finishing touches on a time machine. So, I got first dibs.

What did I do with this fantabulous device? Go hang out with my future grandchildren? Write down the Powerball numbers for next week? See the Roosters win the NRL Premiership in the year 2007? No, you idiot. You stupid idiot. I checked out MY BLOG!!!!

So now I'm back, let's take a look to the future.

The future, Tommy?


Yes - all the way to the Year 2010!


Tommy's Blog..... In The Future


First, I visited the front page. Turns out I got a new logo, but I kept the same colour scheme. The font looks different too, almost like it was made in Photoshop or something. Technology is pretty incredible in the future.

Take a look at this post from this Friday, FOUR YEARS IN THE FUTURE!

click me to make me big

But just visiting one page doesn't really give you a good view of the future. So, I took a screenshot of the TommyIsCoolDotCom archives too, just so you can get a taste of what has happened. In chronological order to boot!

I'm a little attention-seeker at heart, so my next step was to visit my blog stats, to see how much my hits had increased. I expected a pretty dramatic rise, especially after my 2008 initiative, where I paid people to read my blog. Check it out.

Incredible. When I saw that stat, I thought surely my blog would be at the cutting edge of pop culture in the future. So, I checked ABC News Online, cause in the future, the ABC is cool. I figured my blog would obviously be front page news, so I just took a screenshot of the first article I saw.

click me to make me big

Mainstream recognition! WICKED!


And so ends the trip to the future. On a completely unrelated note, if you live in a place where you can see the sun, I'd probably stay inside on November 2nd, 2008. Just a heads up.


Love,

Future Tommy.

People always throw around claims of anti-semitism in the media, especially when it comes to Israel vs Palestine: The Never Ending War-y. For some reason, a large chunk of this world hates the Jews. Maybe it's because the world's only Jewish state just happens to be smack bang in the middle of the most significant religious area in the world, surrounded by a few million Muslim neighbours who'd love nothing more than their instant obliteration. Or maybe it's because of Streisand. Who knows. (Streisand, probably)

And sometimes, these claims of anti-semitism are proved true. Check out this. Freelance Lebanese photographer Adnan 'Buy A Vowel' Hajj was caught doctoring photos taken of the Israel/Lebanon Conflict. In one photo, he added extra smoke to a scene of the Beirut suburbs. In another, he added extra flares to a photo of an Israeli jet, in order to make it look like it was... shooting... more......flares.

In another, he photoshopped his head onto an underwear model's body, and put it on his MySpace so he could pick up chicks. Hot, Lebanese chicks.

But despite his horrible anti-semitism and even worse photshopping, I'm good mates with Hajj. I call him 'Harry The Leb', because I can't say foreign names. He calls me 'zionist pig dog'. It's a thing we have. He also gang raped me.

And because we're such good mates, I have access to the undoctored, untouched, Hajj original photos. Take a look, as we talk a pilgrimage through The Hajj Files...

Our first pic is of Hezbollah terrorists creating a crude, propane explosive to ward off Israeli tanks in the southern suburbs of Beirut. This is what Hajj sent to Reuters...




And now, look at the original.






Can you see the slight difference? No? Let's try another one.


This next photo is slightly disturbing, an Israeli man being set alight trying to rescue children from a burning bus near the Israeli border. A truly noble act, captured by Hajj. But he couldn't resist doctoring this picture before he sent it to press. Here's what Reuters published...



And now, here's the original photo, free from photoshopping or any doctoring whatsoever...









Truly troubling stuff.

If only Hajj had the journalistic integrity of Australian newspapers like The Daily Telegraph.

When you're young, life is simple. When you're playing with your brother in the front yard and you graze your ankle, you go to the big tree near the neighbours fence and rub some purple flowers on it. And damn it, it works. And when you're bored, you don't need an XBox 360, or Foxtel Digital, or Jenna Jameson. All you need is some ACTION FIGURES

Action figures provided the staple of my entertainment needs until the invention of the internet. At first, they were hand-me-downs. My brother's old Action Man, complete with eyes that you could move from side to side (shifty eyes). My brother's old G.I Joe and M.A.S.K figures, my sister's Playhouse Barb-

And then, in 1989 at the ripe old age of 6, I got my first action figure of my own. It was one of WWF Superstar Rick Rude, complete with poseable headlock grip. That was quickly followed by WWF Superstar Jake 'The Snake' Roberts, who had a spring-loaded arm (though, unlike his real-life counterpart, no crack addiction).

My collection rose quickly. Batman, Robin, more wrestlers, a few more wrestlers, another Batman, Ninja Turtles, more wrestlers. I even got some vehicles, like the Batmobile and the Ninja Turtles armoured car that shot plastic pizza. Awesome.

But as I got older, playing Batman vs Hulk Hogan in my scale WWF Ring got boring. I was getting older too, in my pre-teens, and I couldn't be seen playing with tiny little dolls, no matter how wicked my Bruce Wayne To Batman action figure was. So, I started painting them.

It was like those guys who used to collect and paint Warhammer figures in Year 8, except mine were half-naked men, and rather than painting in minute detail, I coloured them in odd combinations of child paint and Posca pens. Black was my primary colour, because black was cool, and so was painting wrestling figures.

This post is really useless without pics, so for some god forsaken reason, I'm going show you how fucked up I was as a child.

My first wrestling figure hand-me down.
A Hulk Hogan thumb wrestler, which I drew
'CHAMP' and a fake title belt on for some reason.

It's for your THUMB, you sickos (trust me, I tried)


My very first figure, Rick Rude, giving a noogie to Tatanka


Classic, Gay Robin


Bruce Wayne, complete with the only two parts
of his Batman costume I didn't lose or eat

Bruce Wayne running Gay Robin the fuck over

My sister had a Princess Jasmine figure from Alladin,
so I stole it and turned her into a slut for my wrestling figures

Kane raping Princess Jasmine. She was asking for it.


I didn't have a Ric Flair figure, so I made one. The resemblance is uncanny.

The Ultimate Warrior has no fingers


My evil Doink The Clown figure, next to what he looked like before I molested him with paint and cut off his hair so he looked like a lesbian

Batman, if he lived in Rome and had access to high quality bulletproof rubber

So ends the tour through Tommy's childhood subconscious. I'm perfectly sane, seriously.