Happy, Healthy Harold - Behind The Puppet

If you went to a public primary school in Australia, chances are you had a visit from Happy Healthy Harold every year or so. If you were an animatronic giraffe that advised kids on how to eat well and cope with peer pressure in the mid-1990's, chances are you are Happy Healthy Harold, in which case omg omg happy healthy harold reads my blog

Happy Healthy Harold, or Triple H, was (is?) the puppet face of a scheme called Life Education, who drove their vans to schools, filled them with children and locked the doors for an hour or so. Visits from Harold were quite often the highlight of a school year, except that time in Year 4 when some of the girls in my class accused our substitute teacher of hitting on them. You rocked, Mr. Matis.

It might sound stupid, but the visits from Harold left an indelible mark on my memory. I can still feel the rough red carpet that ran all the way up the walls; can still hear the noise animatronic Harold's eyes made when they blinked; can still see his one lazy eye that blinked slower than the other; can still taste Mr. Matis lips on mine. It wasn't every day that you had a visit from a talking giraffe that popped out of the back wall of a caravan, after all.

The Pedo Dungeon

Though, Harold wasn't always a robot. Back in the dark ages (Year Two), Harold was just a glorified sock puppet, controlled by one of Harold's 'friends' who mysteriously disappeared just before Harold's disease-infested cotton body lurched out of the black curtain. It was only around 1995 that Life Education received some extra money from the Government/Harold's Estate and decided to get all Jurassic Park and splurge on an animatronic robot so advanced that it could not only lean forward and back, but turn its head and blink. Of course, the first time he visited my school, animatronic Harold got his head stuck in the door.

Not so Healthy now, are you?

Harold and his first wife

I'm good mates with Tammy, the half-naked female model (well, she was fully naked, she just didn't have any skin on one side of her body) that Harold's helpers used to point out basic anatomy, like the kidney, the lung and the glow-in-the-dark titty. Trust me, being Tammy's mate isn't as cool as it sounds, especially when you take her to a restaurant and can tell when she needs to shit ten minutes before she does.

Tammy getting felt up by a kid. The slut.

Anyway, you mightn't know this, but Harold passed away a few years ago. It was in the papers, but nobody really knew the real story. So, knowing my blog had readership in the teens, Tammy passed along this. It's a distressing read, so take care as you explore....

(thanks to matt)

Sunday, 3 July, 1995
I can't quite stand the thought of another week hanging around those little shits, showing them body parts, pretending to be a robot so they dont flip out about the fact that I'm a talking fucking giraffe. It hurts my neck to be that stiff and unanimated. Pretending I was a sock was much easier, plus I got to have someone's hand up my ass most of the day.

Monday, 4 July, 1995
I got way too wasted last night, I woke up in a shopping trolley outside a McDonalds. The parents there gave me such harsh looks. Fuck them. I just lit another cigarette and tried to move on. But they just kept judging me with their eyes. Not for long, though. It's hard to judge people when you're ducking whisky bottles flung at you by an abusive giraffe.

Thursday, 7 July, 1995
Another hard day at the 'office'. I swear to God or Allah or some fuckin' thing that if they can't fix the air conditioning in that goddamn bus I'm going to heave a dump on top of the desk at the next board meeting. They just don't understand the kind of pressure I'm under.

Saturday, 9 July, 1995
That Bec chick who does the talking in the bus with me this month finally buckled under the weight of my mighty sexual attraction. Let's just say this - I like chicks with small hands, they make my 'neck' look bigger.

Sunday, 10 July, 1995
The stupid big wigs at the foundation want to talk to me at 9 tomorrow. This had better be the pay rise I've been askin for. Or at least a bigger stable.

Thursday, 14 July, 1995
ths has been the bigest fuckin bender of my life i rmember bein in the lion cage at tha zoo callin them queens of the jugle. i thk i have lost a leg

Sydney Morning Herald, Morning Edition
Saturday, 16 July, 1995

Happy Healthy Harold has been found dead this morning in his Life Education Van outside Penrith Public School. Police believe the children's education mogul ended his own life by slamming his neck in the closing 'Here's Harold!' door, his death caused by a combination of severe vascular trauma and brain asphyxiation. Officers at the scene also reported a number of as-yet-unexplained defensive wounds and slashes on his body.

H. H. Harold had recently been placed on disciplinary suspension for the alleged rape of a young woman in his organisation. Lead Investigator John Dooley said he had never seen a higher blood alcohol content in a wild animal.

Harold is survived by his widow, Tammy.