Tuesday, April 3

The Doctor is [IN]

You may not realise this, but we here at tommyiswhateverdotcom get a great deal of email and hand-written letters in response to the entries we write. Since signing on as part of the full-time team here, most of my time has been dedicated to responding to these letters.

[possibly why you havent written an entry in over a month -tommy]

Now, I did my training in clinical psychology (no, seriously) but a lot of people seem to think that I can be used to answer more general questions about medicine and health in general. So, as part of our current initiative to make this blog more socially responsible (an initiative 'sponsored' by Hornsby Magistrate's Court), here are some of my responses to the letters that we've received. I've also included pictures of what I assume these people look like to fulfill the 'comedy' section of this entry because the rest is serious, medical stuff.



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Hello, Mr Sampson,

I know you're heavily involved in the world of health services in this country and I was wondering what your thoughts were on the federal government offering the cervical cancer vaccine free of charge to school-age girls.

Hope all is well,
Margaret Kentwell, Mosman.


Hi, Marge, thanks for your letter! Nice to see you old ducks writing letters to someone other than the Sydney Morning Herald to complain about foul language on last night's episode of The Bill. Anyway, I think that the cervical cancer vaccine is a great thing, a fantastic leap forward for cancer research and a very proactive step by the government towards stemming the tide of this horrible disease.

However, at the same time, it's another flagrant display of favouritism by the Howard government in that they are only allowing women to receive the vaccine free of charge! Us men still have to pay for it! I went to my doctor to request the vaccine and he even refused to give it to me! I went through another six or seven GP's before I found a doctor in Campbelltown (here's a shout-out to you, Dr Lim!) who was willing to give it to me. However, I suspect that he is in on the scam because, even though he gave me the shot, he was laughing most of the time. I find this no laughing matter and, even though I have received the vaccine, I still check my cervix every time I'm in the shower just to make absolutely sure it's still cervical-cancer-free.

I find this an absolute outrage and I demand that the fat cats in Canberra do something about this immediately. My life is hard enough, going home to a girlfriend who says that my knowledge of anatomy is so minimal that I have no idea how to pleasure her, without being laughed at while I seek vital medical treatment. If I had no idea about anatomy, would I be answering questions like this? Ha. I'll let you be the judge.

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yo matt.

i'm a 13 yr old guy and i rly like your blog! ur a lot funnier than that tommy guy i think the blog shuld be called mattiscool hahaha! i liked the story u wrote when tommy was away that was so lol.

neway, iv go ta question to ask and i dont rly feel cool bout goin to mum and dad so i thought id ask u! so lately ive noticed that ive been changing - my voice is gettin deeper, im growing more hair (and on my body, not my head :O !!) and im definitely stronga than my big sister and she used 2 beet me up all tha time!

what do u think is happening?

kthxbi,
pete_da_pimpest044@hotmail.com


Pete, I think we seriously need to address the possibility that you are becoming a werewolf. I know this is worrying for you to think about, but it seems to be the only explanation. Have you had any contact with dogs, domesticated or wild, in the past six or seven years of your life? If so, it's almost a certainty you have been infected with the werewolf germ (or were-germ if you will).

I Googled werewolves and have found that there are few options once infected and that it's only a matter of time before you undergo the painful, scarring and basically horrific transformation into one of the most derided and shunned beasts our world has ever known. Following your transformation, you are destined to stalk the innocent to gouge, tear, rip and generally feast upon them. You will end up loathing yourself but be unable to stop.

Because of this, I can only recommend you take steps to stop this horrible process before it starts. I'm bound by Blogger rules not to suggest anything... specific... to you, but I think you all know what needs to suicide. I mean 'needs to happen'. Little typo there. Good luck, Pete. We all know you'll find it inside you to do what's right, I just hope this reaches you in time.

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Dear Doctor Sampson,

I have a problem I hope that you can help with. I have noticed that, about three days before I get my period, my breasts seem to get larger. Then, two days before, I seem to get very emotional, crying at small things that I know deep down don't really matter. The very day before I usually get extremely depressed and think very dark, morbid thoughts and I can't help it.

Is this normal? Should I see a GP about this issue? I feel like it's affecting me more and more each month and that it could be developing into something serious.

Sincerely,
PMS'ing in Perth.


Periods are gross. Girls are gross. This letter is totally fucking gross. Thanks a lot, let's move on.

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Dear Matt,

I think of myself as a pretty regular guy and for the past few months I've been going to the gym to try and get myself in shape. I follow a pretty strict program and go very consistently (I must have a lot of free time, haha), but I'm not seeing any gains at all. You'd think that after this long I'd have made some progress, even by accident, but I'm still as weak as a kitten with cerebral palsy and the ladies don't seem to have noticed me at all!

Please help,
Anonymous.


Tommy, if you want to talk about this just give me a ring instead of writing me, mate. OK later.

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So I hope that you found this all useful and I certainly hope that the court officer defines this as 'community service' because if he doesn't then I'm shit out of ideas. I'm not going back to that nursing home, I can tell you that.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

haha the last letter is funny cause it's true =)

Tommy said...

wait, we get letters from judith lucy and betty white from the golden girls?!

spearmint hat man said...

Just when I think your blogs couldn't get any worse you write this... and totally redeem yourself!

silpheed said...

Dear Dr Matt

I... I'm a little embarassed, but... I have a crush on the chick in the last post. That jiggling... it's... hypnotic... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Anonymous said...

did you, like, delete my comment?

What happened to freedom of speech?

Well, I spose what 'happened' to it is the freedom of bloggers to delete comments that piss them off.

Fair enough.

Anonymous said...

but i still like tommy's posts better than matt's

HA delete me now!

no really do i get off on it

Tommy said...

i deleted your comment because it was shit

post better comments and they wont get deleted

Anonymous said...

*cries*

don't say shit