Thursday, August 31

BlogFight: The Challenge

Checked my email before, expecting to find hate mail for that last blog, only to find a CHALLENGE. As I am a man, I quickly accepted.

The challenge was from The Editor over at GrodsCorp, which is one of those fancy blogs I link to. It's kinda like mine, sometimes delving into important things like politics and television, other times bagging out nutbars. It just has fancy things like a domain name, more than one contributer, and "readers".

Anyway, the gimmick for our BLOG CAGE FIGHT is The Ed chooses a topic, readers vote to see who is the affirmative or negative, then we bag each other out a few times, then readers vote again to see who wins. It's like Australian Idol, but geekier. Our topic is 'That All Bloggers Are Full of Shit', and I think I'd make a great affirmative. But no matter what, I'm going to kick some arse.

And then lose. Horribly.

The Flying Emo

You can read the relevant post over at Grods here.

Wednesday, August 30

Shit blog, please forgive me as I do not speak English

I actually have a legitimately interesting blog in the works that involves an interview and all sorts of effort, so forgive me for this TommyIsCoolDotCom Placeholder Blog. Yes, enjoy the ride as Tommy distracts you with meaningless text to distract you from the fact he hasn't written a blog. Stare in wonder as Tommy fills the gap with page breaks, paragraphs and random bolding.

Watch as Tommy fills the rest of the blog with pointless, arbitrary observations, like when he bitches about how on Sky News today, the 10am newsreader had a :) face on when she was reading about a 5-year old girl getting raped at Burwood. And what's the go with how newsreaders try to go for the witty banter between each segment? And how it's completely laced with absolute contempt for one another?

So Jim, looks like we'll need to pack the umbrellas on the weekend.

Sure will Mike, you stupid fuckhead.

Speaking of cliches, I propose a ban on the following phrases:

- Communism is a good idea, in theory
- More people die from car crashes/other meaningless event/ than terrorism, you know.
- It's not so cold once you get in.
- You know, America is partly to blame for 9/11

If you want proof that post-modernism is real and that there is no original thought, try those phrases on for size. I think they'd be said a few thousand times a day, double that in a university food court. Yeah, they might be right, but everytime you hear them said, a little part of you dies

Here is a video of a baby panda sneezing. Just take it and go, please.

It's also my birthday on Saturday, my present from you can be to never speak of this blog again.

Monday, August 28

Americans are Emmy Stupid

So, I was watching The Emmy Awards live on Fox8 earlier today. Conan O'Brien hosted, so it was immediately the best awards show ever. Even better than those fake, unfunny awards people give out at Year 12 Formals. I still can't believe I missed out on Most Likely To Become A Carrot. Hilarious.

Anyway, Jack Bauer won an Emmy for Best Actor in a Drama, and 24 won for Best Fucking Television Show Ever, so that's all good. West Wing tied Hill Street Blues for most Emmys won by a single show, Ari from Entourage won and Jennifer Love-Hewitt wore a low cut dress, so you can't really go wrong.

Kiefer than used the two statues to take down four hostiles and save the life of William Shatner

Unless, of course, you're an idiot.

Yesterday, 49 people died when a small airliner crashed in Kentucky. At the start of the Emmys, Conan O'Brien did one of those 'host visits tv show set' skits, interacting with the people from The Office, Dr. House, Dateline and yes, Lost. Lost features a plane crash. Conan crashed onto the Lost island, in a plane.

So, of course, Conan was making fun of dead people. News sites around America scrambled to blame NBC and Conan for this horrible crime.


In light of this news, and the tragic events of September the 11th, 2001, television shows will no longer feature buildings. The London bombings a year ago have brought an end to production of Law and Order: Train Fine Unit, and Gambit will not be in the next X-Men movie, because he's a Cajun and New Orleans got hit by a hurricane. And Storm won't be in it either. Not because she uses hurricanes as weapons, but because she's shit.

Yes, 49 people died in Kentucky yesterday. It's terribly sad, I feel sorry for everyone involved, but leave Conan out of it.

Take that, America

Friday, August 25

I'm good friends with a lot of scientists. They give me drugs, I take them, I get money. Harmless. Absolutely no side-effects.

what was that jonathon

kill them?

all of them?


not yet jonathon

And being mates with a scientist has its perks - I get access to all the cool new inventions before they're released! For example I was one of the first people to drive a Segway, I tested the iPod Nano, and I was the first person in Australia to take RU-486. Though, that last one gave me the runs. Anyway, my scientist friend Dr. William Contrived Setup has recently put the finishing touches on a time machine. So, I got first dibs.

What did I do with this fantabulous device? Go hang out with my future grandchildren? Write down the Powerball numbers for next week? See the Roosters win the NRL Premiership in the year 2007? No, you idiot. You stupid idiot. I checked out MY BLOG!!!!

So now I'm back, let's take a look to the future.

The future, Tommy?

Yes - all the way to the Year 2010!

Tommy's Blog..... In The Future

First, I visited the front page. Turns out I got a new logo, but I kept the same colour scheme. The font looks different too, almost like it was made in Photoshop or something. Technology is pretty incredible in the future.

Take a look at this post from this Friday, FOUR YEARS IN THE FUTURE!

click me to make me big

But just visiting one page doesn't really give you a good view of the future. So, I took a screenshot of the TommyIsCoolDotCom archives too, just so you can get a taste of what has happened. In chronological order to boot!

I'm a little attention-seeker at heart, so my next step was to visit my blog stats, to see how much my hits had increased. I expected a pretty dramatic rise, especially after my 2008 initiative, where I paid people to read my blog. Check it out.

Incredible. When I saw that stat, I thought surely my blog would be at the cutting edge of pop culture in the future. So, I checked ABC News Online, cause in the future, the ABC is cool. I figured my blog would obviously be front page news, so I just took a screenshot of the first article I saw.

click me to make me big

Mainstream recognition! WICKED!

And so ends the trip to the future. On a completely unrelated note, if you live in a place where you can see the sun, I'd probably stay inside on November 2nd, 2008. Just a heads up.


Future Tommy.

Wednesday, August 23

I know I normally post something new on Wednesdays, but today I seriously got nothing. Nothing. I was going to do a fake audio interview thingy with some terrorists about how they actually took notice of the Hollywood letter condemning terrorism ('We will never end our jihad against the zionists. Wait... did you say Dennis Hopper signed it?'), but eh. Not really that funny.

I was going to write about the stem cell debate too, but first I have to Google/Wiki an opinion on the whole thing. Yeah, I use Wiki as a verb, that's how I roll.

Should be seeing SNAKES ON A MOTHER-FUCKING PLANE tomorrow, so maybe that will inspire some awesome blog about how the the Plane represents our post-modern identity paradigm, and how the Snakes represent mother fucking snakes. Or I just might put up pictures of Samuel L. Jackson, I haven't decided

In the meantime, read old blogs and pretend they're new.

Monday, August 21

It's just coming up on Spring here, which means over in America it's coming up on the Fall, because they like to name seasons after intransitive verbs. And that means it's time for the To Drop or Come Down Freely Under The Influence Of Gravity TV Season!


The Fall sees the premiere of all the new shows, and the return of all the old shows. It's like one giant party, and all your favourite characters are there. Locke from Lost and Dr. House are having the coolest conversation ever, all the people from Law and Order are having a game of snooker, and Jack Bauer is beating the shit out of that Horatio cock from C.S.I: Miami. But, this party is a little crowded. For every Lost, there's an N.C.I.S. For every 24, a How I Met Your Mother.

So, let Tommy cut through the crap and take you on a journey through the very best shows you will be downloading in the next few months...

Returning Shows

The Unit

Starring Dennis Haysbert (Palmer from 24), The Unit hasn't yet aired in Australia, but should be on Channel Seven very soonish. It's about a group of special forces soldiers, their wives at home and the foreign-looking people they kill. The action scenes are awesome, and even the plots involving their ladies back home are pretty sweet. Mainly because the T-1000 from Terminator 2 is banging one of the soldier's wives. Have you seen this show?

Psyched Factor: 8/10


Season 2 of Lost didn't end on a cliffhanger so much as a blank, confused stare. Though it was way more satisfying than the 'People looking down a hatch' end of Season 1, it left you with more questions than a Trivial Pursuit air-drop. Are Michael and Walt ever coming back? Did Eko, Desmond and Locke survive the Hatch Explosion? The answers to those questions, and plenty more, will be revealed now. Only Walt, and yes, they're alive. LOL SPOILED

But srsly, this season of Lost features new castmembers, more romance and a whole lot less Ana-Lucia, so it's gotta be good. I'm very aroused.

Psyched Factor: 9/10

Prison Break

Prison Break ended huge last season, with the escapees being pursued by cops, dogs, cars and helicopters. Apparently, this season starts a few hours after the end of the finale, so you'd figure they got away. The bitch Vice-President got promoted, there's a new character trying to find Schofield and the escapees, and Haywire stole a kid's bike. Because they're... not actually in prison anymore, the show has been renamed Prison Break: Manhunt. Makes more sense than Season 2's original title - Prison Break: We Didn't Think This Show Would Last More Than A Season.

Psyched Factor: 7/10

South Park

Just for the reason that while South Park has been on hiatus, Tom Cruise had a baby, Mel Gibson blamed the Jews for wars and the JonBenet Ramsay case got a new twist (turns out it wasn't a Puerto Rican), this season has more material than a Spotlight store. So hot.

Psyched Factor: 7/10

New Shows


A total eclipse shrouds the earth, and gives a bunch of people super-powers. A hot chick becomes invulnerable, an artist finds out he can see the future, a beat cop develops telepathy, and a Japanese guy can stop time, yet still can't drive very well. It has a hint of Lost about it, with a big, varied cast and lots of supernatural stuff. As long as nobody jumps into a cape straight away, it should be a good show, especially when all the new heroes get together and form a hero alliance and battle dinosaurs.

Has an all-star cast, including household names like Sendhil Ramamurthy, Noah Gray-Cabey and Hayden Panettiere. I guess the casting director didn't get super powers. BAM!

Psyched Factor: 7/10

The Vanished

A creepy thriller from the creator of CSI about Sara Collins, the wife of an American Senator who vanishes while at a public function. Who took her? Why did they take her, a woman with seemingly no enemies? Was it the Terminator, sent back in time to apprehend Sara Conner, but he wrote the name on his hand in ink and it smudged so he took Sara Collins instead? Why have I made two Terminator references in one blog?

Apparently, there are hints of a Freemason conspiracy, and based on the accompanying picture - explosions.

Psyched Factor: 6/10

Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip

From Aaron Sorkin, the guy who made The West Wing. Has Chandler from Friends. Is about a sketch comedy show. If you didn't immediately want to watch this show after I said 'From the guy who made The West Wing', die in a fire.

Psyched Factor: 8/10


Out of the entire bunch, Jericho should be of most interest to us Aussies because Channel Ten is going to air it on the same day as CBS in America. Meaning you don't have to put up with a six-month wait and hearing your annoying mate go on and on about how awesome this new Jericho show he downloaded was. Hell, you could kill him right now and nobody would know.

Jericho tells the story of a small, peaceful Kansas town, plunged into chaos following a nuclear explosion in the distance. With the power and communication lines down, the town's residents are forced to wonder if they're the only Americans alive, and if so, who will bomb the Middle East now? Stars Skeet Ulrich, the PG-13-Rated boyfriend from Scream who turned out to be a psycho.

Not the one who said 'Liver Alone!', the other one.

The hot one.

Psyched Factor: 7/10

That's just a hand-picked sample of the most interesting shows. There's also a TV version of Friday Night Lights, a new season of the greatest reality show ever Hogan Knows Best, and of course - WWE Smackdown.

Enjoy your Fall, I hope you don't get HURT


Friday, August 18

A TommyIsCoolDotCom Investigative Report Into The Side Boob

The side boob is the most elusive of all boobs. Sure, you can get your fill of front-on boob shots pretty much anywhere - the internet, Big Brother Up Late, Bert's Family Feud, Zoo Weekly, primary school swimming carnivals. But the side boob is rare.

Like every part of celebrity anatomy, there is a strict hierarchy. Some boobs are better than others. Ergo, some side boobs are better than others. Visa vie, I don't know what visa vie means, but let's look at pics of Elisha Cuthbert's titties.


This isn't the best example of side boob, but it's Elisha Cuthbert. She has Jack Bauer's DNA running through her veins. She is the essence of hotness. She cannot be topped, but it wouldn't be much of a blog if I didn't at least try.

Fresh from Namibia, here's Angelina Jolie.

I'd like to Tomb her Raider. Or Raid her Tomb, whichever is funnier.

Sadly, that's the only shot of Angelina's side boob I could find, after hours of searching and three keyboard replacements. I guess it was never going to be easy finding shots of just the side of Angelina Jolie's boobs, when she's been topless in more films than Bugs Bunny.

Though, I feel bad about ripping you all off with that tiny, pixellated image, so here's a make-good.

I suggest it was Miss Scarlett with the candlestick in Tommy's dreams

If I could type the sound of an orchestral choir of angels, I would have put it underneath that picture.

So now you're thinking to yourself, you're thinking Tommy, you're thinking mate, you can't fuckin top this. You're saying to yourself christ, fuckin oath, fuckin how can you top Angelina, Elisha and Scarlett. You also swear more when you think. You should probably work on that.

But seriously, how can I top that, I hear you fucking think.

Well, I can't. So, now is the time when I ruin your buzz, when I reveal the side boob that could turn John Wayne into a flaming homo.

I give you... Lindsay Lohan.

My first attempt at the Linsday Lohan section of the report included a Sophie DeLezeo skin transplant joke. So, for the sake of my soul, I palmed it off to everyone's favourite guest blogger - Matt.

Yes, not content with just making woefully bad movies like Herbie sequels (the only thing 'fully loaded' after that movie was the fortuitously placed vomit bag next to my seat), Lindsay has truly upped the ante on us this time.

In recent months, Lindsay has always looked like you killed another pasty, freckly girl and then stretched her skin over a broomstick, gave it a stuck up attitude and made it throw tantrums at L.A. parties, but it was her coked-fuelled anorexia rampage that truly gave her the strung-out, skull-fucked look she had always lusted after like Kelly Clarkson lusts after Burger King.

Imagine, if you will, but I can't think why you would, this mental image of the dope-addicted cock-fiend Lindsay we're now all too familiar with, but wearing a large, grey, unflattering potato sack. Then, look at this.


Isn't it like all your nightmares being realised? Why would you put those things out there? The fact the drugs seemed to have given her the powers of transluscent skin and no fashion sense is bad enough, but this is like the Kate's Playground chick flaunting around her hoof, or Tommy flashing people his pre-pubescent hairless chest which reflects so much white light it's like looking into the corona of a star.

Splinter from the Ninja Turtles is surprised by the paparazzi

You want the best example of a juxtaposition ever? Put Lindsay Lohan and Elisha Cuthbert next to each other. One is every man's wet dream (yes, even the gay ones. The fags would like to kidnap Kim Bauer too, if you know what I'm sayin') and pure sexual fantasy become reality. The other is seedy, dripping, cum-stained, damaged goods slutbag boasting a vaginal entrance so loose she goes to recently cleared forests and uses tree stumps for masturbation. Her only use in this life now is to suicide-bomb herself out of existence and hopefully take out all the similar, tweener, spoiled and over-cashed socialite sluts of her brood.

Elisha, get 'em out. Lindsay, for the love of God, put 'em away and keep 'em there.

Thanks Matt. But I think he was a tad too harsh on the old Lindsay. At least she has side boob.

Wednesday, August 16

David Stratton from The Movie Show has a pedo smile.

And that's what we in the business call a segue, because it's time for everyone's favourite monthly tradition....


We begin our journey through the flowing internet river of funny with my favourite video, a monkey teasing a dog. According to some smug bastard who posted a comment on YouTube, it's actually a gibbon. Thanks for spoiling the fun, cock.

That monkey sure was an asshole, but nobody tops Darth Vader, king of dickery.

This one is incredible. The Autistic Human Camera. He can paint the entire Rome cityscape just from one look in a helicopter. Pity he can't dress himself.

Really funny stand-up turns crazy - wait till the punchline at the very end. Owned.

In the American Politicians Are Stupid File - Stephen Colbert interviews the Congresswoman from the District of Columbia. Bitch fires UP.

World's greatest American Football catch. If only he used his skills to play a good sport. LOL EMMET SMITH OWNED 2000!@#lol

This guy, for reasons which will be made clear when you see the video, is the most popular man on YouTube right now. His gimmick is that he is old. His videos are like Samuel Gordon Stewart, they're boring, but you just can't look away. I chose his 'Geriatric Grumblings' video, it's funny cause he looks like he is about to have a stroke.

This Fox News blooper is as old as hell, but awesome.

The funniest part of my fourth funniest movie ever, Old School.

Batman never forgets Pedestrian Safety. Luckily, he has a Bat Steel Window Frame Hook in his utility belt at all times.

Breakdancer with awesome strength. My mate Sam can do this, and we're born on the same day so that means I can do it too. Also, I did not find this video searching for 'buff black men' on YouTube.

Also old, but good. Running little kid gets smacked by a basketball. Also known as 'Tommy in P.E Class."

And finally, the trailer for Mel Gibson's new film.

Monday, August 14

The rising cost of petrol, from 80c/litre a few years ago to the current price of bendoverandtakeit/litre has had an effect on every single Australian. It's seen the cost of groceries and other goods rise from extra shipping costs, seen 250g blocks of Cadbury Chocolate rise from $3.98 to $4.07 at Woolies, seen a slump in large car sales and has led to a general tightening of the wallets. Coupled with interest rate rises and inflation, the lower-income earners of Australia are especially feeling the pinch.

Which is why yesterday, the Sunday Telegraph decided to turn their attention to the heartland of low-income earners, to where the real battlers live - in the mean streets of Castle Hill.

For those of you that do not know Castle Hill, it's the flashiest part of Baulkham Hills in Sydney's west. It's the jewel in Alan Cadman's crown, the mecca of metros and the wallet of the Garden Shire. So, what better place than to get middle Australia's reaction to the petrol prices.

(at this point, Tommy realised his Dad had already put the Sunday Telegraph from yesterday in the recycling)

(right about now, Tommy realised he was fucked, so tried to cover. let's watch)

I won't quote the article word for word, but the general gist was they took three or so families from Howard Street in Castle Hill (lol cause it's the name of the Prime Minister), and asked them how petrol prices were affecting their family budgets. Which, I'm guessing probably include scholarship fees to private schools, Foxtel Digital subscriptions and a 10% tithe to their local Church.

Now, obviously these families are geared up to their neck with mortgage repayments, but that's their choice. You have to pay for the privilege of owning a house in a suburb with no Mosques. So when I read one family of four bitching about petrol prices, then see they're paying to fill up three cars, including one 4wD Pajero (!!), it doesn't exactly pluck at my heart strings.

Nor does this exact (kinda) quote from one of the McMums...

'It's gotten to the point where I can put $10 of petrol in the Saab, and it doesn't even get past empty'

Hmm. You know things are bad when you can't even fill up your Saab without having to sacrifice your bi-weekly Pad Thai. How ever will she afford her Skim Milk Frappacino with Chocolate and Cinnamon Flavour Infusions? WHAT IF SHE CAN'T BUY A NEW BREAD MAKER?!@

You can't really tell, but this is a tiny, tiny violin

Now don't get me wrong, I come from a rich family, I went to a private school and I am currently in a long-term relationship with Foxtel Digital, but I'd like to think if the Sunday Telegraph came calling, I would have the decency not to complain about my horrible plight when there's people in this country that can't even afford fucking medicine.

So, in conclusion, let's go egg Howard Street.

The Honourable Alan Cadman preparing for a bombing run of Kellyville

Friday, August 11

As you probably know by now, I'm an excellent debator. You could call me a master debator. I don't think I've ever lost a debate, I've beaten more people with my master debating skills than anybody I know. In fact, if I had to hand pick a job for myself, in some kind of hand-picked-job competition, I'd probably choose debator. And no debate is more...debated than the war between the Cadbury Crunchie and the Nestle Violet Crumble.

I consider myself somewhat of a..... ican'tspellconniseur when it comes to chocolate, and to me, this is simple. The Crunchie is superior in every way. For one, Crunchies are covered in Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate, while Violet Crumbles are covered in Nestle TastesLikeShit chocolate. Score one for the good guys.

Secondly, honeycomb. Some people like the traditional, solid honeycomb found in Violet Crumble over the bubbly, aerated honeycomb of the Crunchie.

Those people are rapists.

Call me crazy, but when I bite into a chocolate bar, I don't like to leave a molar behind. However, the Crunchie isn't perfect in this department. Next time you bite into a Crunchie, take a look at the edges of the bar. On one side, and only one side of the Crunchie, is a honeycomb so sticky, so chewy and so horrible that it almost ruins what is, until that moment, one of the Cadbury God's finest creations. I call it The Edge Of Terror.

You can't escape it. King Size Crunchies have it, regular Crunchies have it, "Fun" size Crunchies have it. It's like the fat friend of the hot girl, it's always there and it gets stuck in your mouth. A seasoned Crunchie eater is wary of this nefarious honeycomb suicide bomber, and so takes it out early. It looks dumb, but devouring this edge of your Crunchie before you get to the good stuff is the only solution. Otherwise, every bite you take will be tainted by a honeycomb fouler tasting than Lindsay Lohan's number 2's.

But, even in light of the Edge Of Terror, the Crunchie wins here too. Two-nothing Crunchie.

Did I mention it was best two out of three?

Crunchie Wins


Thursday, August 10

As part of my Get More Hits initiative of 2006, and because all the cool blogs have them, I've chucked some links in the sidebar to some of the sites and blogs I read regularly. Give them a gander if you've got the time. And, if you've got any site you want to plug, or a site you think is oh daymmn man he did not just do that awesome, post a comment in this thread with the URL.



Wednesday, August 9

People always throw around claims of anti-semitism in the media, especially when it comes to Israel vs Palestine: The Never Ending War-y. For some reason, a large chunk of this world hates the Jews. Maybe it's because the world's only Jewish state just happens to be smack bang in the middle of the most significant religious area in the world, surrounded by a few million Muslim neighbours who'd love nothing more than their instant obliteration. Or maybe it's because of Streisand. Who knows. (Streisand, probably)

And sometimes, these claims of anti-semitism are proved true. Check out this. Freelance Lebanese photographer Adnan 'Buy A Vowel' Hajj was caught doctoring photos taken of the Israel/Lebanon Conflict. In one photo, he added extra smoke to a scene of the Beirut suburbs. In another, he added extra flares to a photo of an Israeli jet, in order to make it look like it was... shooting... more......flares.

In another, he photoshopped his head onto an underwear model's body, and put it on his MySpace so he could pick up chicks. Hot, Lebanese chicks.

But despite his horrible anti-semitism and even worse photshopping, I'm good mates with Hajj. I call him 'Harry The Leb', because I can't say foreign names. He calls me 'zionist pig dog'. It's a thing we have. He also gang raped me.

And because we're such good mates, I have access to the undoctored, untouched, Hajj original photos. Take a look, as we talk a pilgrimage through The Hajj Files...

Our first pic is of Hezbollah terrorists creating a crude, propane explosive to ward off Israeli tanks in the southern suburbs of Beirut. This is what Hajj sent to Reuters...

And now, look at the original.

Can you see the slight difference? No? Let's try another one.

This next photo is slightly disturbing, an Israeli man being set alight trying to rescue children from a burning bus near the Israeli border. A truly noble act, captured by Hajj. But he couldn't resist doctoring this picture before he sent it to press. Here's what Reuters published...

And now, here's the original photo, free from photoshopping or any doctoring whatsoever...

Truly troubling stuff.

If only Hajj had the journalistic integrity of Australian newspapers like The Daily Telegraph.

Sunday, August 6

Like a good journo, I am obligated to present both sides of arguments (unless it's bagging out Wil Anderson). Therefore, I give you the following guest blog by the richest 21 year-old I know, Whymsy.

Note: Like most conservatives, Whyms lacks a funny bone (and a soul). Therefore, I have taken the liberty of bringing the funny with my trademark, hilarious captions.

Note: Tommy makes no guarantee in regards to the hilarity of the captions

So, without further ado, let this guest blog take you on a journey into the dark, depraved depths of....

The Hypocrisies of the Labor Party
A guest blog

For the 10% of the readership of that don't know me, my name is Whymsy. I am not a Greenpeace tree hugging hippy, and I am not a Labor supporter. I fit somewhere in between, and I support sound financial economic management. So, I must be a Liberal Supporter. I am the Ying to Tommy's Yang, I am the voice of reason, and the voice of sanity to Tommy when he comes out with some outlandish shit like "Mark Latham should be the Prime Minister of Australia."

Vampire Latham Disagrees

As some of you may know, last Wednesday the Federal Reserve Bank of Australia lifted the official cash interest rate to 6.00%, and the hypocrisy that has been bantered around the media is incredible. I feel it is my duty as the resident financial analyst to post this report.

Hypocrisy #1:

NSW Premier Morris Iemma made quite a few comments in the media stating that Peter Costello should influence and sway the Reserve Bank's decision to raise interest rates. Now, for those of us who have an idea about politics and what goes on in the running of our country, we know back when Paul Keating was Prime Minister of this great nation he seperated any ties the government had with the Reserve Bank for matters that I will touch on later. So how Costello could have done anything is beyond my understanding, and just the whinging of a Premier who has NFI.

My government's position is clear - we do whatever The Daily Telegraph says to do

What the people of NSW should really be concerned about is the fact that our Premier is looking for excuses and other people to blame when in fact NSW has been ridden into a state of complete disrepair by possibly the biggest joke of a Premier we have ever had. I bring before you Bob Carr. Now whilst Bob Carr had a sense of humour, took bets with QLD around State of Origin time and sounded like he had the voice of a man with three testicles, his poor management of our state over a ten-year period is just too depressing and too long to list here on this blog. Transport, health care and the sheer weight of bullshit taxes are just a few glaring problems we have in this state.

I sold the lease on my third testicle to Macquarie Bank

Hypocrisy #2:

Federal Opposition Leader Kim Beazley is having a whinge that the Liberal Goverment promised to keep interest rates low, and that 6.00% is just too high for Australians to live the lifestyles they want! If there was a way I could tell you how angry I am and how much of an idiot I think Kim Beazley is, I would do it. The Liberal Goverment cannot directly effect interest rates,but they have indirectly kept interest rates low for a long period of time through sound economic and financial management.

If Kim was in charge of this fine country of ours, even with just one new fuel law that he wants to pass, the average families fuel bill would go up to $210 per week and put far more pressure on inflation than what there is now, and according to analysts, send our interest rates up to around the 10.5% mark.

Now how is that going to support the Australian lifestyle?

Coincidentally, Kim Beazley's second and third chins can support the Australian lifestyle for another two decades

What good ol' Kim also fails to mention is that - before a lot of you kids may remember - Labor were actually our federal government at one time. Back in the late eighties and early nineties we were led by the honourable (ha) Paul Keating. As I mentioned earlier, he seperated the Reserve Bank from the government, he did this to take pressure off himself as interest rates climbed to an all time high of 18% (22% for business) during the recession that "We had to have".

Now if memory serves me correct Kim Beazley was the Treasurer during this period of time in the early nineties, so his recollection of this should be very clear.

I hope all who have read this will be more the wiser.

Your friendly financial analyst,


(Paid for by the Liberal Party, Canberra.)

Friday, August 4

When you're young, life is simple. When you're playing with your brother in the front yard and you graze your ankle, you go to the big tree near the neighbours fence and rub some purple flowers on it. And damn it, it works. And when you're bored, you don't need an XBox 360, or Foxtel Digital, or Jenna Jameson. All you need is some ACTION FIGURES

Action figures provided the staple of my entertainment needs until the invention of the internet. At first, they were hand-me-downs. My brother's old Action Man, complete with eyes that you could move from side to side (shifty eyes). My brother's old G.I Joe and M.A.S.K figures, my sister's Playhouse Barb-

And then, in 1989 at the ripe old age of 6, I got my first action figure of my own. It was one of WWF Superstar Rick Rude, complete with poseable headlock grip. That was quickly followed by WWF Superstar Jake 'The Snake' Roberts, who had a spring-loaded arm (though, unlike his real-life counterpart, no crack addiction).

My collection rose quickly. Batman, Robin, more wrestlers, a few more wrestlers, another Batman, Ninja Turtles, more wrestlers. I even got some vehicles, like the Batmobile and the Ninja Turtles armoured car that shot plastic pizza. Awesome.

But as I got older, playing Batman vs Hulk Hogan in my scale WWF Ring got boring. I was getting older too, in my pre-teens, and I couldn't be seen playing with tiny little dolls, no matter how wicked my Bruce Wayne To Batman action figure was. So, I started painting them.

It was like those guys who used to collect and paint Warhammer figures in Year 8, except mine were half-naked men, and rather than painting in minute detail, I coloured them in odd combinations of child paint and Posca pens. Black was my primary colour, because black was cool, and so was painting wrestling figures.

This post is really useless without pics, so for some god forsaken reason, I'm going show you how fucked up I was as a child.

My first wrestling figure hand-me down.
A Hulk Hogan thumb wrestler, which I drew
'CHAMP' and a fake title belt on for some reason.

It's for your THUMB, you sickos (trust me, I tried)

My very first figure, Rick Rude, giving a noogie to Tatanka

Classic, Gay Robin

Bruce Wayne, complete with the only two parts
of his Batman costume I didn't lose or eat

Bruce Wayne running Gay Robin the fuck over

My sister had a Princess Jasmine figure from Alladin,
so I stole it and turned her into a slut for my wrestling figures

Kane raping Princess Jasmine. She was asking for it.

I didn't have a Ric Flair figure, so I made one. The resemblance is uncanny.

The Ultimate Warrior has no fingers

My evil Doink The Clown figure, next to what he looked like before I molested him with paint and cut off his hair so he looked like a lesbian

Batman, if he lived in Rome and had access to high quality bulletproof rubber

So ends the tour through Tommy's childhood subconscious. I'm perfectly sane, seriously.

Wednesday, August 2

Mel Gibson is sure in a lot of trouble. First, he's caught drunk driving. Then, a gossip blog finds a photo of Mel, drunk out of his mind, alongside some ugly skank.

And to top it all off, he puts himself in a pantload of shit by blaming the 'fucking Jews' for all the 'wars in the world'. Which, technically, is correct. Steven Spielberg did direct War of The Worlds. But attacking Jews is not the best way to look after your career in Hollywood. I'm sure the Weinstein's at Miramax, or Michael Eisner, or former WCW World Heavyweight Champion Bill Goldberg won't be lining up to work with Mel now. And if he thinks he has a chance in hell of making a buddy flick with Kyle's Jewish Cousin Kyle from South Park, he's got another thing coming.

But focusing on Mel's hate of the circumcised ignores the bigger crime.

From the original report on


Yes. Mel Gibson is Anti-Sugar Tits.

Sugartititis is a painful condition affecting thousands of women world-wide. For many, it means they are unable to breastfeed their own children, due to risks of a sugar-overload. Lactation from Sugartititis sufferers was revered as a delicacy in many African nations for centuries, where the 'lucky' women afflicted by the disease were forcefully milked. Surprisingly, a job as a Sugartititis Milker was not sought after by African males, because even they don't find black chicks attractive.

Colonisation saw the practice spread quickly to the Western world, and the use of industrial milking machines quickly streamlined the entire process. Today, excretions from Sugartititis sufferers are available in many different forms and in most major supermarkets. They are commonly known as 'Sweetened Condensed Milk'.

So while you watch as the world's media attacks Mel Gibson for daring to blame the world's problems on one single religion, spare a thought for the silent victims of this whole event. Those sweet, sweet, silent sugar titties.