Wednesday, January 31

1 versus 100 versus The Rich List versus Good Shows

Monday night saw the pre-ratings season season kick off on free-to-air telly, with the premiere of Seven's new expensive quiz show The Rich List, and Nine's new expensive quiz show 1vs100. A two hour block of annoying television. So what did I do?

I watched it.

Well, enough to bitch about it.

With mates though, so it was cool. Like watching Antiques Roadshow with your mates. Watching it alone makes you a 50-year old woman, or someone with a fetish for bad English cardigans. But watching with friends turns Antique Roadshow into something cool, like 24, or Lost, or Antiques Roadshow.

So, the quiz shows. 1vs100 rated its socks off, and for good reason. It has gimmicks. Lots of them. A giant wall of 100 people ('The Mob'), answering the same questions as the contestant ('The One'), presided over by Eddie McGuire ('The Dickhead'). Don't get much better than that.

It seems pretty easy for The One to win cash, they just have to answer more questions right than any number of the mob. That didn't stop the first contestant from having a sweat patch the size of the Gulf of Carpentaria, though.

And while we're at it, since when did Eddie McGuire turn into Vince McMahon? He's the CEO of the company, but he chucks himself on the air as much as possible. Next week, he'll make the that blonde guy from Getaway fight The Undertaker.

I'm sorry Nature Boy Ric Flair, but we won't find
the answer out until after this break.

But both shows share one feature. No, not dicky hosts. I like Andrew O'Keefe. He's old school. No, both shows had something that plagues every prime-time quiz show.

The contestants.

Not them personally, but how they answer questions. It's not just:

Eddie: What is the capital of Spain?

Dicky Contestant: Mexico

Eddie: Wrong

They go...

Eddie: What is the capital of Spain?

Dicky Contestant: Well Eddie, my father was actually born in Adelaide..

Eddie: Oh, is that right?

Dicky Contestant: Yes, and he had a dog, it was a cocker spaniel.

*Crowd laughs*

Dicky Contestant: And then my mother was murdered by a guy from Spain.

*Eddie laughs*

Dicky Contestant: So I'll lock in B, Mexico.

Obviously, that's a fake transcript (his mother was actually raped), but you get the drift.

I actually think that's how you get on these shows. If the casting director asks you your name, and you take four minutes to answer, including a two-minute soliloquy about Aboriginal Reconciliation - you're in.

Actually, on second thought, don't mind me. I'm still pissed I didn't get selected for Australia's Brainiest Kid.

Monday, January 29

I call it the "Alan Parson's Project"

THE US wants the world's scientists to develop technology to block sunlight as a last-ditch way to halt global warming.

It says research into techniques such as giant mirrors in space or reflective dust pumped into the atmosphere would be "important insurance" against rising emissions, and has lobbied for such a strategy to be recommended by a UN report on climate change, the first part of which is due out on Friday).


Ok, you know the world is fucked when the best plan scientists can come up with to stop our impending doom is a scheme borrowed from the Who Shot Mr Burns? episode of The Simpsons.

A team of Korean animator's impression of the U.S plan

Seriously, we get it. Global warming is going to kill us all.

It's going to sneak into our house at night, turn up the heaters and then unplug our fridge. Then it's going to program our VCR to record episodes of The Gilmore Girls, and then blame it on you so everyone thinks you're a little pansy who watches The Gilmore Girls.

Not that I do, that's just an example.

But wow. You'd think the U.S might try to scale back the whole 'taking over the world' thing. I mean, we all know they're just in Iraq to spread liberty and protect against terrrr, but you're not exactly going to convince the Europeans or the Arabs that you're looking out for the best interests of the world when your big idea to stop global warming sounds like it came straight from the desk of Lex freaking Luthor.

There has never been a better time to use this picture I stole off another site.

No, actually the boy is quite astute, I am trying to kill him

God bless America, home of the super villain.

Thursday, January 25


Monday - Tommy bitches about flag ban at Big Day Out

Thursday - Big Day Out ticketholders say 'fuck you' to organisers and bring more flags than the front of the United Nations

Wednesday - Tommy bitches about John Howard not making that company pay up to the dying guy

Thursday - Company pays up to the dying guy

Now, I'm not saying I have some kind of.... power, but... I have some kind of power. And don't worry, I've seen Spider-Man. With great power comes great responsibility yada yada yada oh no uncle ben look out. I will use my incredible power for good.

In other news, Bikini models wear too many clothes.

(Next Thursday is going to be fantastic)

Wednesday, January 24

Is this John Howard's Australia?

I'm not normally one for those blogs where you just copy-paste a disturbing news article and then make a pooncy political statement like 'Is this John Howard's Australia?, but...

The family of a dying man refused a redundancy payment by a Sydney car parts manufacturer says if Prime Minister John Howard is so appalled by his treatment he should change the relevant laws.

John Beaven, 61, has worked for Tristar Steering and Suspension in Sydney for more than 40 years.

He is seriously ill in hospital and his family believe Tristar refused to make a voluntary redundancy payment to him because it knew he was about to die.

Mr Howard has told Macquarie Radio the company has been morally insensitive and he will talk to his new Workplace Relations Minister, Joe Hockey, about the matter today.

But Mr Howard says the company has not broken any laws.

"We will endeavour to persuade the company to alter its position, we can't make it," he said.

"It has applied the letter of the law, I think, insensitively and unfairly and wrongly.

From Your ABC.

Thanks, John. After all, it's always been the constitutional role of the Prime Minister to 'endeavour to persuade' companies. Not to like, make and change laws or anything. I'm sure the Beaven family can take your 'endeavour to persuade' down to Woolies and pick up some groceries with it.

I'm sorry ma'am, but we don't accept half-hearted gestures of compassion

And who is the guy next to you, I thought your husband was in hospital?

If you're not going to do anything about it, if you're not at the very least going to call the company and tell them to pay up, don't pretend you're the Beaven's fairy fucking Godmother because you got asked a loaded question on talkback radio. Why am I typing like John Howard is reading this?

If the company has, as you claimed, wrongly interpreted the law, do something about it. Don't just make sympathetic comments on the John Laws show inbetween segments about Muslims and Lebs. Borrow Janette's ballsack, attach it to your dusty downstairs and kick some ass.

We all know you're going to retire before the next election or get crushed by K-Vampire Butters-Rudd. At least go out doing something good for a dying guy and his family.

Your friend,


Monday, January 22

More like.... Big... Dumb... Out............ Yeah

The Federal Government says the organisers of Sydney's Big Day Out should cancel the event if they are worried about violence, rather than discourage people from displaying the Australian flag.

The organisers of the Big Day Out do not want people to bring the Australian flag to Thursday's concert in Sydney because they are worried it could be used to inflame racial violence.

from your ABC.

Event producer Ken West said the use of flags last year after the Cronulla riots and recent clashes between Serb and Croatian fans at the Australian Open tennis had forced his hand.

"I didn't like the behaviour of last year and we have moved the event from Australia Day this year partly because of the way the flags were used," Mr West said.

"The Australian flag was being used as gang colours. It was racism disguised as patriotism and I'm not going to tolerate it.

from Rupert's Telegraph

There are about 4000 things wrong with this. Isn't it bad enough that The Vines are going to play? Couldn't they have just left it at that?

I mean, obviously there's a fair bit of racial tension down here, especially in the... lesser suburbs of Sydney. And I guess I've never really liked those yobbo Aussies that wear the Australian flag as a cape. But banning the Aussie flag because a bunch of Shire tools beat up some Ay-Rabs? Calling it 'gang colours'? That's not cricket, just like how The Vines aren't musicians.

Bloody Yobbos

Aren't the organisers just fueling racial tension by telling Bruce Smith that he can't wear his Aussie Flag Stubbie Dispensing Hat because some Serbs and Croats fought at the tennis for the 16039th time? When have Serbs and Croats not fought at a sporting event?

Aren't they just giving ownership of the Aussie flag to the rednecked, brown-bashing minority, and taking it away from the law-abiding, silently racist majority?

To use a really bad analogy, this is like telling your teenage daughter she can't wear a slutty dress, then cutting a hole in the back of her jeans. You might think you're doing the right thing, but really, she's just going to get raped from behind.

Thursday, January 18

Why I Only Shop At Stores With Wooden Coat Hangers - A Guest Blog, by Beth.

Yep, you read that right. It's the first guest blog on TommyIsCool ever by a female (allegedly). Please to make reading this blog which...well... mainly just bags me out. But in a female way. Allegedly.

Tommy is what some may call a man’s man, as in he is gay. Others would say that he is a staunch homophobic with an unblemished record (despite REDACTED' constant requests for a game of 'Gay Chicken').

But there is one thing that can be agreed on by all - Tommy dresses like a hobo with a washing machine.

With his overwhelming lack of collared shirts, Tommy is perpetually caught in a casual cycle of t-shirts and denim, except for the occasions that require a suit, in which case he dusts his one and only Year Ten formal suit off.

(Tommy sez: That is a lie)

So where is it that Tommy shops I hear you ask? Well, on his $30 a week salary we can only guess that it’s somewhere with Super Sales and a section devoted to car tyres. But enough Tommy bashing for the moment.

You callin me unfashionable?

Lets focus on something that gets every shoppers credit card angry- the lame arse policies and sales staff that make up the retail workforce.

We have all had bad experiences with certain shops, namely Myer, Freedom and Telstra. But I will not bore you with the fodder of a woman constantly on edge and taking her frustrations out on unwitting 14 year-olds who still think that work is fun and that time goes so quickly whilst filling shelves.


I will not complain about the retards at Country Road who, when you try to exchange something because IT IS FUCKING DAMAGED, tell you that they can have it dry cleaned/repaired, instead of giving you a new one. I will not bitch about the lobotomized 50 year-old women at Myer who continue to gossip in groups whilst serving you, taking on the chore of taking your money as if they were gods fucking gift to the world. And that’s even if they serve you at all, half the time you can’t find anyone or they are all “busy” folding, refolding and checking their hair.

Jennifer Hawkins is the face of Myer, or some other excuse to post a picture of Jennifer Hawkins norks

No I won’t go on about it, cos unlike some, I am not a grudge holding, petty person. In recent times, I have become aware of the correlation between clothes and the level of dickheadedness of a guy. This is most intriguing to me, because unlike girls who have only two sub-groups (“Slutty Bitch” and “Prude Bitch Pretending She Isn’t Slutty”), guys can be grouped into numerous sub-sections.

These sub-sections are all marked on a sliding scale of hotness out of 10, arseholeness out of 10, and hot arseness out of 23. Horniness is of course at 10/10 for all guys and therefore not included in the meta-analysis of men.

The Clothes Rankings

1. Industrie polo shirt with the collar up and Industrie printed on the back of the collar - Wog.

  • Hotness - 0-1/10 depending on the number of jars of grease in his hair
  • Arseholeness 0 10/10
  • Hot Arseness - Wogs are dirty, no one looks at their arses.
It's sweeettt matte! *Click* Bananas!

2. Colorado Shirt - Their mother was undoubtedly on the shopping trip with them.

  • Hotness – 1-5/10 (if wears glasses minus 2 from overall)
  • Arseholeness - 0/10 - These guys are really nice, just like door mats
  • Hot Arseness - 6-13/23.

They are either plump or bean-pole-like. A happy medium makes for a happy lady friend.

3. T-shirt that says “Vintage” on it – You're looking at a Tommy.

(Tommy sez: Fuck off, I bought two polos last week)

  • Hotness - 5-7/10
  • Arseholeness 3-5/10, depending on whether you have kicked him or not.
  • Hot Arseness - 9-15/23, is highly volatile. Denim shorts the best. Boardies the worst.

The Best Shirt Ever? You Decide.


4. Unbranded Polo Shirt
– Don’t bother, they are boring, you will contemplate doing stupid things like eating a chair just to see if they react. They won’t.

(Tommy Sez: Shit, they were unbranded)

5. “Polo” Polo Shirt

Hmmmmm, either hot and nice, or hot and thinks they are hot.
  • Hotness - 7-9/10
  • Arseholeness -2-4/10 or 8-10/10 if they know their hot
  • Hot Arseness 17-21/23. HOT

6. Business Shirt - Probably has a job and a car. Go for it.

Wednesday, January 17

I Ain't Afraid of No 3D-Rendered Ghosts

A little site called 'Gametab' has posted four videos of what looks to be a Ghostbusters game in the works. For those of you that haven't seen any of the Ghostbusters movies, piss off now, I don't want you reading any blogs from this site ever again.

You can peep all four videos by following this link right here - - however I have linked the most interesting and most disturbing videos below.

This appears to make up the bulk of the game's action - running around and blowing shit up with your proton pack. Unrealistic, you say? If you had a proton pack, isn't that exactly what you'd do?

For a second I thought that this was actually Bill Murray, his aged skin now almost completed its ultimate conversion into pure wax and reflecting so much light, but possibly because he has just been 'slimed'. Wait.. was I the only one there to come up with an awesome idea for a series of Ghostbuster pornos? Give me one second, I'm off to register ''.

Anyhoodlydoodles, this whole thing got me thinking. And by 'thinking' I mean 'having flashback to my youth but, this time, nothing to do with my mother force-feeding me 2 minute noodles for seven hours a day or my father painting me all black and telling me to play on the highway'.

No, it's flashbacking to Ghostbusters the game on the Commodore 64. What an amazing game that was. Ghostbusters on the Commodore 64 was and remains the superior and most ghost-busting of all the video game incarnations. Let's take a look back through memory lane, shall we?


Nothing's happening? Hang on, let me try again...


Oh, sorry, I see the problem. One second.


For instance, before there was Grand Theft Auto, Ghostbusters on the Commodore 64 had a sprawling, realistic and thoroughly engaging world, based on real-life New York City.

Players could free-roam through the streets, catching ghosts in the conveniently placed vacuum cleaner (mounted to the hood of Ecto-1, of course) and could choose between left, right and centre lanes.

In a car-customisation section (which was blatantly plagarised by the bastards behind Need for Speed: Most Wanted), players could choose from a wide array of equipment to deck out their vehicle with. Ranging from PK sensors to additional traps to portable containment units to the much-talked-about 'Marshmallow Bait', the options were almost limitless. If limitless is like 5 or 6 things and you can only fit so many on before the little forklift dude wouldn't put any more on.

Doom 3 was scary, but not as scary as the true-to-life video graphics brought on by this game. With photorealistic textures you can only get from a big keyboard plugged directly into your TV, Ghostbusters stunned and amazed as you walked from stunningly similar house to stunningly similar house, putting your trap in the middle, activating the streams, moving closer towards each other (which served no discernable purpose) and then pressing the button to fire the trap and hoping like hell it would randomly move the ghost in there somehow. Those not skilled enough to repeat this sequence over and over would be treated to a digitised, no-name voice actor proudly proclaiming that 'he sliiiiiiiiimed me!'.

No, that's not a bad picture, that's motion blur from the enormous, imagination-defying marshmallow man that has formed outside Dana Barrett's apartment complex. Disregarding the fact that that doesn't really have anything to do with the movie and the big white guy sure as shit never hopped from leg to leg in front of the door at any point, it is your duty to take your lethal, unbelievably powerful proton packs and sneak through the door under that bastard's feet like you were a fifteen year old girl back late from the dance. THAT, my friends, is how you end a video game.

So you can keep your fancy 'graphics' and awesome 'gameplay'. I, for one, like it old-school. Just like Run DMC doing the theme song to Ghostbusters 2, with awesome lyrics like 'STOP! UHH! BREAK! HIT IT!', 'I-I-I, I-I-I ain't afraid of no ghosts' and 'We are the busters of any, G-H-O-S-T'.

Monday, January 15

Matt and Tommy's Bi-Annual Samuel Gordon Stewart Bashing - Part Three - Gold

Yes, it's time. Part 3 of Matt and Tommy's Bi-Annual SGS Bashing. Now, you might notice the following items we found on Sambo's blog open him to a certain kind of criticism. A criticism that, while brutally funny, and maybe even true, would open myself and the blog up to... how you say... shitloads of lawsuits. So, as I'm allergic to multi-million dollar slander cases, I will be censoring some of the remarks Matt and I made on MSN.

(Okay, it's mainly just Matt's stuff.)

In place of defamatory words, I will place a picture of Bert Newton's head.

For example, I might say.... Samuel Gordon Stewart is a

You get it? Awesome. Let's roll.

I promised you a video. Here it is. This, ladies and Gentlemen, is Samuel-Gordon Stewart, showing us..... rain.

matt says (3:42PM):

Tommy says (3:43PM):

i am doing that eyes wide open eyebrows up lol

Tommy says (3:44PM):

matt says (3:45PM):

matt says (3:45PM):

Tommy says (3:45PM):

matt says (3:46PM):

Tommy says (3:46PM):

matt says (3:46PM):

matt sends PEDOSMILE.JPG

And with that, let's move to something a little light and non-defamatory. Don't worry, it's still creepy.

So, what's Samuel's first-thought, survey response to something you'd borrow from a friend?

Tommy says (3:52PM):
ok, that's just scary

And hey, ever wonder what went down at Samuel's Christmas, aside from disposing of bodies using a borrowed shovel? Here's what he got from his Godfamily.

That's awesome. I know kids around Australia unwrapped their Nintendo Wii's, hoping instead they were Christmas albums they couldn't play for another 340 days.

But Samuel wasn't the only one who got a present on Christmas day. Even his dog, Nattie got some treats.

matt says (3:56PM):

Tommy says (3:56PM):

Though, Samuel didn't really want a CD for Christmas. He wanted a camera.

matt says (3:58PM):
'sometimes discreetly'

matt says (3:58PM):
he's a fucking

Tommy says (3:58PM):

we can't say that!!

matt says (3:59PM):

Tommy says (3:59PM):
i'll just post it with the humphrey thing

Humphrey thing, you say?

matt says (3:54PM):

matt says (3:54PM):

Tommy says (3:54PM):

matt says (3:54PM):

Tommy says (3:55PM):

Tommy says (3:55PM):
its so sad that joke will only ever find its audience with me

And that's it. In summation...

  • Discreet photography
  • Watches Humphrey B. Bear
  • Gives bowls of hot dogs to petrified dog


You don't need our help to figure out he's a

Saturday, January 13

Matt and Tommy's Bi-Annual Samuel Gordon Stewart Bashing - Part Two- The Creepy Stuff We Found On His Blog

As deliciously hyped yesterday, we bring you the second part of our Bi-Curious, Bi-Annual Samuel Gordon Stewart Bashing. Today...

Part 2: The Creepy Stuff We Found On His Blog

Unlike yesterday's blog, we won't be telling you what's so funny about the site, we'll just show you. And then we'll show you what we said when we bitched about it on MSN. Because, let's face it - we're fucking hilarious.

We'll also include the bits where we laugh at what the other one said, because it's endearing and tells you which bits are funny.

We'll put them in random order, as we couldn't figure out what was more creepy.

Here is a recent photo of Sambo, published on his blog for an undetermined reason.

Tommy says (3:21 PM):
he's so GREASY

matt says (3:21 PM):
that is horrifying
you could fry chips in whats coming off his forehead

Tommy says (3:22 PM)

Another photo, this time of his dog Nattie. Based on her reaction, it was presumably taken after she saw the first photo.

matt says (3:25 PM):

Tommy says (3:25 PM):
it looks like a peacock flaring its feathers

Hey, ever wondered what Sambo thinks about Hot Cross Buns? No? Tough shit!

Tommy says (3:27 PM):

This one is less creepy, but still worthy of inclusion. Recently, Samuel's favourite weather forecasting website was down. Does he go to another site, maybe NineMSN Weather? Nope. That's not how he rolls.

matt says (3:30PM):

Tommy says (3:30PM):

In a blog marked 'Postal Address', Sam posted this.

matt says (3:33PM):
damn, he didn't fall for my elaborate ruse

In a blog about the Summernats Car Festival, held in Canberra annually, Sam had this to say.

matt says (3:36PM):
you are a 70 year old man

Tommy says (3:36 PM):

Stan Zemanek, long-time radio shock jock, recently retired because karma finally caught up to the thundercunt (callback). Samuel, however, was looking to the future, Medium-style.

matt says (3:37 PM):
no, wait, that was stan zemanek coming on me in a dream

Tommy says (3:38PM):
and why is that guy whispering in his ear?

matt says (3:38PM):
i got money that was posted at 12:02am

tommy says (3:39PM):
i say 12:00, he probably stopped watching the fireworks on channel ten cause they were too crass, so he was already on the computer

tommy says (3:39PM):
nattie was on his lap

But then.... we struck gold. Yes, it gets better than Stan Zemanek wet dreams. Next time on the blog, Part 3 of our Semi-Annual SGS Bashing, as we bring you the single funniest Samuel Gordon Stewart post ever.

Yes, there's a video.

Friday, January 12

Matt and Tommy's Bi-Annual Samuel Gordon Stewart Bashing - Part One - 'Call Me, Ishmael'

I really don't know where we'd be without Samuel Gordon Stewart. At first, we were weirded out by him. We all got a little angry, and in the heat of the moment, we said some pretty harsh things about him. But then, we grew to like the kid. We weren't weirded out anymore, so much as we were... mesmerised.

But we're not the only ones who have regretted saying some pretty nasty things. Samuel did it himself. Let's look at this blog, titled 'Bloody Ishmael', or as we like to call it - 'The Fall of Samuel'.

Yes, what was once a truly innocent, beautiful creature has turned into a flaming ball of hate. I give you Samuel Gordon Stewart HULK ANGRY


After a freak gamma ray accident, Samuel was blessed with
superhuman strength and the vocabulary of a 70 year old woman

You know he was punching those keys hard when he typed that. For most people, 'fucking cunt' is probably the harshest insult they can imagine. Maybe 'thundercunt', if they're really angry. But SGS transcends such purile insults. Why don't you stuff your head up a turkey, goose?

But, Samuel later regrets using such volatile language, chats with Ishmael, and they sort it out. It's poetic, almost. He then posts a public apology.

Whilst Ishmael understands that I won’t be taking down any of what I wrote, I would like to publicly apologise to Ishmael for being a bit too harsh in my comments. End Update

End quote. Does he really need to chuck that bit in? The giant white space after text isn't clue enough that he's done? Is he such an old man-boy that he is used to writing in telegram?

Now, that's the end of Part One. I understand it wasn't very satisfying, was a bit short and left an awful taste in your mouth. That's because Tommy wrote it. Up next on the blog, we get to the good stuff. Because next time, we're posting Part Two - The Creepy Stuff We Found On Samuel's Site.

Till next time..

End blog.

Resume masturbating

Wednesday, January 10

You know, the ugly one?

You know The Chaser right? The newspaper, the War on Everything, the signed photo I have in a laminated seal next to my bed? Even if you don't know them, you probably know their faces.

Look, there's Firth, and Julian, and Andrew, and Craig, and Chas and Chris. And of course, Dominic Knight. But... where's Dominic? There's a 7th Chaser? A MISSING Chaser? But, why? He's the editor of their old newspaper, one of the head writers for their TV, he hosts their radio show on Triple M, how come he hardly ever gets included in anything on TV, least of all the promo shots?


You know the expression 'He's got a face for radio?' Dom Knight has a face for radio, if radio is living in a church belltower and eating fish heads. Seriously, if that guy ever falls in love, it's probably going to end with him being chased inside a holy temple and yelling SANCTUAARRRYYYY!!!

So, Dom's face got me thinking. So many other groups try to hide their ugly members.

The world's best band ever, Bon Jovi, had sex symbols like Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora (who banged Denise Richards AND Heather Locklear) and the greasy Mexican drummer, but they also had David Bryan, who looks like the pudgy one from Lord Of The Rings if his face melted.

So, they hid him behind a keyboard.


The world's second best band ever, The Beatles, had Ringo...

and Yoko...

Remember N*Sync?

Justin Timberlake and.... the other guys? Sure, nobody remembers the names of... Lance, J.C, Joey and Your search 'N*Sync erobic fiction' did not match any documents. Did you mean 'N*Sync erotic fiction'?, we do remember they all weren't as cosmetically blessed as JT. Not that I think he's attractive. This paragraph is getting mighty gay, I might pull out.

That's what she said.

There we go.

But as I said, N*Sync did a pretty bad job hiding their ugly guy. Especially when it came to naming him. Ladies and Gentlemen, N*Sync member Joey Fatone.

But it ain't no lie baby fries fries frieeesss

Yes, they named the fat one 'Fatone'.

Hell, even KISS had an ugly guy, and they wore facepaint!

I'm going to be a Demon! I'm going to paint a star on my face!

I'm going to paint myself like a CAT!

...... God damn it Pete

The fact is, to be successful, you need an ugly guy to make you look better. It's why the Liberals have Costello, why the Scooby Gang have Shaggy, and why I get Matt to write guest blogs.