All The Way With LB..... Tommy...

'It's Time'

'I Like Ike'

'Make Love, Not War'

'The Ladder Of Opportunity'

'It's Hammer Time.'


Whether you agree with the sentiments or not, these are examples of famous political slogans. A good slogan can fire-up your supporters, inspire the undecided and sway your opposition. In just a few words, they can articulate exactly what a man or a party stands for. Jimmy Carter's re-election campaign was ruined the moment Ronald Reagan asked 'Are you better off now than you were four years ago?'. When Gough Whitlam said 'It's time.', he captured Australian's hope for a better society. It's politics 101, the simplest, smartest thing anybody can do.


Which is why Kim Beazley can't.


Which two words does Kim think will win him the election? 'Howard Lies'? 'Stronger Economy'? 'COSTELLO LOL!@#'? No. Kim is above those old, uncool words. Kim's resting his hopes on the ultimate insult, two words so vicious, so concise that they could very well destroy John Howard where he stands. Take a look at these quotes, all from the one press conference.

'When it comes to blame shifting, John Howard is the master blaster. John Howard is the master blaster of blame shifting in Australian politics...

'...that’s what I mean about the master blaster of blame shifting.'

'What John Howard is actually saying to the Government of NSW, as he does his master blaster act on blame shifting...'

OH NO HE DID-NT

Daymmn Girl he be droppin BOMBS! You ain't seen no beats so tight!!

A black person

I like to think I know a lot of words, but... master blaster? I mean, I get it if you're talking about a name for a stereo or something, but how do you come up with that when talking about Australian politics? Is he trying to say Howard is really cool? Or did he just mispronounce masturbator?

Ooo-waaa the waa mr speaker rock this bitch

And it's not just exclusive to Kim. It's infested the whole damn party. This is from a Kevin Rudd media statement.

'Downer has got a responsibility to look at our long-term national interests in the South Pacific rather than his short-term political interests which is to sound hairy-chested to the audience back home.'

'Well, Mr Downer is using all sorts of hairy-chested language...'

'Mr Downer seems to think that if he sounds hairy-chested and beat his chest in the air and behaves like a schoolyard bully, that that is going to make things better.'

Zuh?

I like you Kev, even though you are a vampire, but 'Hairy Chested Beating' sounds more like the name to a marginally-successful all-male porno than it does a catchy soundbite on National Nine News. Isn't saying he's got a hairy chest giving Alexander Downer a compliment, seeing as how he's the only Minister who can use both the Men's and Women's bathrooms at Parliament House?


Though, even if they sound stupid, master-blaster and hairy-chested beating pale in comparison to the slogan President Bush is using to help his party in the mid-term elections this year...

I think it needs work

So, in summation, if you can't say it in three words without mentioning chest hair or 1980's reggae phrases, just don't say it at all.



And bring back Latham.

The Australian Values/Are You A Muslim Test

I apologise in advance for posting about politics twice in two blogs, but there's really nothing else to talk about. Well, except how Anna Nicole-Smith's son died, and how he was twenty, and how I don't want to imagine how his childhood was when if he Googled his last name, he'd find pictures of his mum's cooch.

But Kim Beazley said something the other day that got people talking. About how retarded Kim Beazley is.

Kim wants a pledge to uphold "Australian values" placed on forms signed by tourists and immigrants before they enter the country. Like the box on the American entry form that asks if you've been involved in terrorist or revolutionary activity (seriously), this amazing counter-extremism measure will surely keep us safe. Why... it's a box! And you tick it! If only we'd thought of this on September the 10th, 2001, or before Nickleback tried to tour.

Now, some other people have already talked about how stupid this is, so I went for a different angle. I know some folks over at the Department of Immigration, so I managed to find a prototype 'Australian values' pledge.

It's only a rough draft, but this is what it will look like if they ever introduce it. Take a look. You might have to click it to make it bigger. That's one of the anti-terrorism security measures they put on it.

You know, after the Fall of The Latham, nothing any political leader has said since has really fired me up. Sure, when John Howard claims not to know anything about anything much at all so he doesn't get done for lying, I get a little miffed. When Tony Abbott starts sounding more like The Pope (not the dead Pope, he can't speak because he is in hell for being a Catholic) and less like the Health Minister, my eyebrows twitch. And when Peter Costello proves he had a vagina surgically implanted everytime he 'refuses to rule out' a challenge to Howard, I get a little confused. But nobody has really said anything that's perked my interest.

Until this:

Beazley announces plan to block Internet porn

The Federal Opposition has outlined a plan to block Internet pornography reaching home computers.

Opposition Leader Kim Beazley says a Labor government would introduce laws requiring Internet service providers to offer a "clean feed" without pornographic and violent sites.

From ABC News

YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH

As a good and proper journalist, I should declare my vested interest in this matter, having published erotic digital photographs of Lou from Neighbours without his consent for the last three years. But come on Kimbo. Aside from the fact your idea is technologically impossible, it restricts basic freedoms for the sake of a few votes from the conservative, religious wanks who'll probably now just preference you #4 instead of #5, behind Family First, The Liberals, the Christian Democrats and the Bomb The Towelheads party.

I'm the Juggernaut bitch

It's not the Government's job to act as a parent for those people too useless to do the job themselves. If your kid is looking up porn, buy a filter. If he gets around the filter, he's obviously intelligent so buy him some KY and enrol him in an IT course. Forcing people to call up their internet provider and say 'Hey, I'd like to get the porno version of the internet, I'm really into midgets' just so poor little Jimmy doesn't see boobies before he hits 14 is ridiculous.

If we're going to legislate parenting, why don't we make McDonalds illegal so we don't produce another generation of fat little pricks who go on to become leaders of the ALP and release stupid policy that costs us our porn?