Monday, July 31

PM's decision to face electorate welcomed

The federal Opposition and Coalition MPs have welcomed the news that the Prime Minister John Howard will fight the next election.

Mr Howard has told his Liberal Party colleagues that he intends staying on to fight the next federal election and is expected to make the announcement later today.

Mr Howard has written to Coalition MPs and senators saying he has decided against retiring.

Opposition treasury spokesman Wayne Swan says federal Labor leader Kim Beazley will be looking forward to facing and losing to Mr Howard at the next election.

From ABC News

I had a hunch this would happen after Costello screwed himself over and over again like Jenna Jameson on a Sybian during the Liberal Leadership 'Deal Or No Deal'. Of course, I'm just saying that now to look smart, I always thought Howard would resign by the end of the year.


Costello has a few options right now, and none of them are good. If he shuts his trap and stays as Treasurer, he's going to weaken himself even further in the eyes of the Australian public. If he resigns and heads to the backbench, he's going to screw his party over, and then when Howard does leave, they'll make him pay for it. He's pretty much the political equivalent of the last bad guy standing in a Steven Segal movie. He can go left, he can go right, he can try and run, but either way he's going to get a palm to the nostrils.

I contacted my buddies inside the Liberal Party, and managed to get this exclusive video of Peter Costello after being informed Howard was going to stay on as leader.

Take a look.

Friday, July 28


I've posted about poker before on the blog, but everything is good for a second time around. Except, of course, victims of rape.

Let's try that again

I've posted about poker before on the blog, but everything is good for a second time around. Except, of course, ____________.

On a side note, what's the go with how I always start off blogs by talking about the blog, or previous blogs? It's all self-referential up in your grill. I'm so post-modern.

But back to poker. It's awesome. I love poker because it shows a lot about a person's character. A game of poker is not just a fun way to pass time, it's a complex relationship between two or more people. In a way, I'd compare poker to a marriage. It starts off fun, only lasts a little while, then you have to give someone all your money. Trust me, I know - just listen to my ex-wife.

Don't let my Guide To Poker fool you - I'm not very good. Some mates and I play pretty damn regularly, and I seem to have gotten worse. Most of the time, that's due to me not noticing something completely obvious to everyone else playing, like a Flush, or a Straight, or the fact that I have no chips left.

I'm not a retard by any stretch of the imagination (if I was, I would have typed DUDREHHHERRRR instead of 'stretch of the imagination'), but I just don't DUDREHHHHERRRR as well as others.

And that's part of the magic of the game. It's not about intelligence, or luck, or anything.

It's about being good at screwing other people over.

It's about remembering that Jimmy put in $200 six hands ago on a Pair of Kings, when he raises to $600 six hands later. It's about noticing the sweat on Johnny's cheek when he goes all-in. Or the way he rubs his nose every time he bluffs. Or the way he looks at you sometimes when your legs brush under the table, and you're not really sure if he really meant it, but you're glad he did it, because sometimes you wonder what would happen if you two were trapped in the bush together and you had to spoon to stay warm. Things like that. Heterosexual things like that.

It's why, if I was an international diplomat rather than an unemployed piece of shit, I would challenge my U.N counterparts to a jolly old game of Texas Hold'Em poker. You could bet Nuclear Disarmament Treaties, or sanctions, or even gold. France would fold all the time, especially if Germany raised. Japan would check-raise (lol pearl harbour). Australia would go all-in and gift all their chips to America. And Amsterdam would be doing lines in the bathroom. It would be so hot.

I also strongly believe it is the only solution to the Israel vs Lebanon and Palestine handicap match. Of course, the Jews run poker, so it would be pretty one-sided.

Hell, I love poker so much, I wrote a haiku about it

All in on a flush
Tommy calls with a high straight
Fuck you dealer man

Beautiful, no? Look at the art that poker inspires. Television shows, blogs, haikus I had to count six times over to get the syllables right. You see anybody writing blogs about Blackjack, or Uno? You think anybody gives a shit about Uno?


I can't believe you even brought up Uno. Why? Why do you destroy rather than create?

Sorry. Side-tracked. I think it's time to end the blog with one of my patented Final Thoughts. I find that writing down exactly what I'm thinking at a certain time produces some spontaneous, truly insightful commentary. Let's give it a shot.


walt disney baby oil reacharound

Yes. Yes, I like that. You are so insightful, post-modern poker Tommy. You're so much better than Uno.

Fuckin' Uno.

Thursday, July 27


Rudd gifts Howard a goat

Prime Minister John Howard has been given a goat for his 67th birthday today.

Opposition foreign affairs spokesman Kevin Rudd says the goat will go to help people in Sudan as a "gift-in-kind" through an aid organisation.

He says while he was in Sudan recently he was told people needed either goats or donkeys.

"I spent 100 bucks and have delivered to the PM's office last night a letter congratulating the Prime Minister on his 67th birthday, with a gift certificate with a picture of a milking goat," Mr Rudd said.


Wednesday, July 26

After finally and permanently attaching the ball and chain around his ankle, frequent guest blogger REDACTED the Thong-Kicking Faggot has graced us with a GUEST BLOG! If only more of you were like him. I'm looking at you, Mitch.

It concerns his recent trip to an island (and by island, we mean a collection of rocks, trees sticks and bush spiders) discovered many, many Schoolies ago. Ladies and Gentlemen, please have your boarding passes ready as we journey to......

The land cool people forgot

To move away from GoatGate ’06, and onto a human interest story, Tommy asked me to write a guest blog concerning my recent return from a journey steeped in fable, that is, a trip to Maxipad Is-Land (pronounced “is land?”).

The MaxiPad Is-Land Plaque, the world's shiniest waste of time and money

I first traveled to the Is-Land four years ago, and despite returning several times since, have never spent longer than 20 minutes there. So, late last year I decided to get to know this mysteriously named block of land a little bit better.

For those not familiar with my prime piece of real estate, the Maxipad is located four hours north of Sydney in the Great Lakes. It is roughly 5 kms from land, on the other, other side of the beach. The Is-Land itself is difficult to get to, and many expeditions there have failed.

About the size of two blocks of land, it supports little wildlife. Nothing bigger than a spider could be found by day, and at night, a creature nicknamed ‘The Marmoset’ scuttles around the Is-Land. Like the beast from The Village, it cannot be killed, nor caught - only heard.

This journey was ridiculed by many from its inception. (Tommy Sez: Hi)

The Plan - Go to the Is-Land from Sunday morning to Wednesday night with nothing but some water, machetes and a hammock. Our only transport was two kayaks and an innertube from an old Corolla. True, we ended up taking a bit more stuff, namely some port and a towel or two, but there were no creature comforts.

So, without further ado, I give you...

REDACTED'S Top Tips For Living On An Is-Land.

1. Nothing gets you to sleep easier than polishing off a two litre goonbag of Port in two hours.

2. No matter how high off the ground you put your hammock, it will always stretch a bit and you will end up hitting that big rock. For amusement purposes, tie your hammock with the same rope as someone else, that way, everytime you get up during the night, their hammock will drop several inches and then they will hit a rock.

3. It is very difficult to stand up in a kayak. It is impossible to do so while throwing a machete at a stingray.

4. Playing The Food Game is a great way to pass time. It is very simple to play. You sit around describing in detail the thing you most want to eat at that moment.

5. After playing The Food Game for several days, do not let the first thing you eat be Maccas. You will wreck not only your Food Game plans, but your health for the next 24 hours will suffer. Watching Alex slump in his seat as he struggled to fit in his 4th cheeseburger is not a pretty sight.

A veritable smorgasboard of food selections

6. This rule is good advice for everyone. If you need to hitchhike, you can do several things to increase or decrease you chances of getting picked up. For instance, looking like REDACTED will automatically decrease your chances. On the other hand, nothing will improve your odds better than carrying a petrol tin. Just be careful to have a reason why you need to get dropped on the side of a lake 20kms from the nearest petrol station.

7. It is difficult to kill a pelican with a hatchet.

8. Accept you will only get about 2 hours of sleep at night because you are hungry and it is only 2 degrees. Plan your evening around this. You will probably want to start the fire again about 3 in the morning, so finding wood beforehand will make this easier.

9. Make sure that you don’t use the leaves that make your skin feel as if it is on fire to wipe your arse.

10. Do not take your dumps upwind of the camp site.

11. When you come ashore, do not land in the middle of the National Parks Officer Station. They might start asking questions.

12. Sleeping in the dirt next to the fire can be really comfortable, but you need a pillow of some sort. Rocks are quite painful. Innertubes are cold. Shoes are a bit lumpy on their own so fill them full of leaves and they should work fine. Your arm will work alright, but if you lose feeling in it, be careful when you warm it in the fire after you wake up.

That’s probably it. I really do suggest that everyone spend some time on an island sometime. There is no way to accurately describe how good it is to play the Food Game. Nor how much you long for 6:56AM when you know that the sun will rise above the ridge and you can go sleep on the patch of grass on the North side. Nor how being so hungry will make you hypothesise whether the dead fish floating in the lake are still safe to eat.

But it's not all bad.

Sleeping in the sun on the grass was fantastic. Sunrise kayaks in the Ocean after a pre-dawn journey over the lake are awesome. Going a few days with nobody else within a couple of kilometres is a surreal feeling.

Let me know if you want to join the next expedition.

Monday, July 24

Hi, I'm back. I bring news from abroad, and also muffins

My holiday was good. I watched The Benchwarmers with Rob Schneider. It was not good. Sadly, the dodgy kebab shop at Nelson Bay, which used to be run by two hairy middle-aged men for 2 hours a day, and where you could watch as they grabbed the ingredients from the fridge, has closed. In its place is some healthy food store. Who goes from hairy, dodgy, e coli infested kebabs to vegetarian rissotto? What kind of jump is that? It's like making a dramatic period film set in 1930's Alabama and replacing Morgan Freeman with Carson from The Fresh Prince.

Or something. What a bad analogy Tommy

You're a bad anal-orgy.

I was going to do the obvious thing and write about Israel vs Lebanon vs Syria in the Three-Way Hell In A Cell match, but I'M CRAAZZZ--YYYYY AND UNPREDICTA-BLLEEE AND PUT UNECESSARY HYPHONS IN WO-RRRDDDSSS

So instead, I write about Finch.

I love the Sydney Roosters. If the Sydney Roosters were a rich old guy, I'd get a sex change and marry them and then get really fat. But just because I'm loyal to the footy club doesn't mean I'm loyal to every player. For example, there's Chris Walker and Justin Hodges, who, when they played for the Roosters, took great pleasure in spiting me personally by defending their wing in the 2004 Grand Final about as well as the Americans defended the Saigon Embassy in 1974.

Historian Tommy Sez: The Americans failed to defend the Saigon Embassy in 1974.

But if there's one player who I dislike more than anyone, one player whose inability to perform has ruined my weekend, week in, week out, it is Brett Finch. You might remember him as the guy who kicked the winning field goal in Game I of the State of Origin this year, then who sucked a monkey's dick in Game II. I call him the dream crusher. Because he crushes dreams. I am so smart, I make one word from two words.

Brett Finch walking past a photo of God

But this week, after enduring year after year of this buck-toothed bastard, he was finally released from his contract to join the Parramatta Eels. And I cried tears of joy, sweet sweet tears of joy.

Scientist Tommy Sez: Tears are actually not sweet. And why am I dressed the same as the Histori-

So anyway, that was the best news ever. Now all I need is someone new to blame when the Roosters continue to play like shit.

Sunday, July 16

I will be breaking up my busy schedule of blogging by heading to the beautiful Nelson Bay for a week. After so many months of hard work, I felt it was time to recharge the batteries, to find myself, to have some 'me' time. So, I jacked off. And then I thought hey, I might go to Nelson Bay.

New blogs starting next Monday.

Friday, July 14

It's the weekend coming up, there's a war in the Middle East (well, another one) and there's way too many pictures of Peter Costello on my blog right now, so to crank up the fun and excitement, it's another one of those fucking video blog posts.

And people say I swear unecessarily

Speaking of unecessary swearing, this video is kinda old, but awesome. It's Unecessary Censorship, courtesy of the Jimmy Kimmel show.

We'll get the boobs out of the way straight out of the bat (hehe bat). A woman who can control her chest.

Japanese people are weird. But their ham-eating CD players are even weirder.

Japanese wrestlers are even weirder. It's the barbed-wire safety net.

Guy walks up to Buzz Aldrin. Guy says Buzz Aldrin didn't go to the moon. Guy calls Buzz a coward. Buzz punches guy in the FACE.

Insert segway into Family Guy. Here's a clip of the voices of Family Guy, doing voices. Of Family Guy. Who knew Cleveland was WHITE?

I love news bloopers. First, we have a news anchor accidentally implying something about a blind climber's sexuality. Then, we have my favourite video of this post - a news reader's tooth falls out, live on air. TWICE.

I also love videos of people getting curbed stomped. I understand people mightn't want to see someone get their face stomped into a curb, so I won't do anything dicky, like trying to hide the link in something wholesome.

Hey look, it's a video of a cute little puppy playing with a ball of string on a merry-go-round in a field full of daisies

Zidane's Headbutt is the talk of the world, even in countries like Africa and the Orient where they don't talk right. So here's the uncensored Zidane's Headbutt.

We do 'Roasts' in Australia, where you get a celebrity's friends to bag them out for an hour and film it. I remember one Channel Nine did with Molly Meldrum, which was 60 minutes or so of really awful gay jokes. But in America, they have it down to an art form. This is Jeffrey Ross, a comedian, 'roasting' Pamela Anderson. Surprisingly, no spit-roasting. It's pretty vulgur, but freaking hilarious. Look out for the bit where he says to Courtney Love that she looks 'worse than Kurt Cobain'. Awesome.

That'll do it for now, here's a picture.

Wednesday, July 12

OMG grab the hard hats, it's two political blogs in a row

Howard vs Costello
The Jerry Springer Years

Like the guy who assassinated Austro-Hungarian Archduke Franz Ferdinand (lol same name as the band you should make a joke about that tommy), former Defence Minister Ian McLachlan released a note about a leadership agreement between Howard and Costello, and started a WAR! Except rather than battles and explosions, it's press conferences, and MEETINGS!

Who would have thought a hand-written note from 1994 would cause so much trouble? More importantly, who keeps hand-written notes from 1994?

The tiff really started after the note was released. Faced with the chance to deliver a fatal blow to the giant gaping hole where John Howard's heart was before he privatised it, Costello told the throng of press that the contents of the note were factual. Right after Howard had denied an understanding/agreement/deal was ever agreed upon.

And then, in perhaps the most ironic sentence ever, Peter Costello, full-time politician and the second-in-command of a Government that lies and misleads eight times before it gets out of bed in the morning, said...

My parents always told me, if you have done nothing wrong you have got nothing to fear by telling the truth, and I told the truth.

First off Pete, you're a Liberal Party member. You don't have parents. You were bred in an underground gestation chamber.

Second, you're a politician. Shut the fuck up about telling the truth. If you told the truth, you wouldn't be the Deputy Leader of the fucking Liberal Party.

And don't think you're getting off easy, Howard. The man who can't recall absolutely any meeting where his government may or may not have known about children being thrown from a boat, or may or may not have known about the AWB paying kickbacks to a moustached dicator, or who may or may not have known about every single fucking thing he's ever said or done in his life (including the conception of his children), can remember precisely the events of a meeting twelve years ago.

So what does this, the biggest break-up since Dr. Karl and Susan on Neighbours, mean for the country? Well... not much. Howard will probably stick around longer, so he doesn't look like he's scared of a twelve-year old note. Costello just screwed his already-slightly screwed chances of becoming a lame duck Prime Minister, and somewhere, Mark Latham is rubbing his hands with delight.

But like Superman returning to his Fortress of Solitude, or a stupid cock of a short bald snivelling lying little Prime Minister resigning, John Howard must eventually leave politics. And who will replace him? Can Costello, after being F'd in the A by his party and the media for calling on Howard to resign yesterday? Can Tony Abbott, who wants to privatise women's uterus'? Can Brendan Nelson, or Alexander Downer, both of whom sound gay when they speak?

Quite simply, no.

There is only one hope for the Liberal Party. Like the scent of a recycled joke wafting in the breeze, this particular candidate is the safe option. When the rest of the contenders fall, there will only be man left standing.


Vote Goat.

Sunday, July 9


I haven't really posted much on the IR reforms because it took me a while to, well... care about them. I might long for the obliteration of the Howard Government, and I might have had a man-crush on Latham, but I've never really cared about the workers like a good comrade should.

I didn't have anything else to do this week (or this year), so I thought I'd try and figure out where I stood. That way, when I watch the news, I would know which politician to yell at. So, I looked at my extensive employment and political history. It took me twenty seconds.

I've been on an AWA before and had no complaints, even managed to get myself a few pay rises. At the same time, I saw an old Leb chick at my work get screwed over by a 'trainee wage' clause in her AWA, and get paid below-wage for a few months.

I supported VSU when I was at uni because it meant less money to the Young Libs and Young Labor tossers who thought running a student council that gets 4% voter participation was the most important thing in the known universe.

I've never been a member of a union, nor would I join one unless it was in my best interests. I don't know anybody in a union, and my dad doesn't have a moustache, so I'm pretty sure he's not a communist.

So, with no answers in my personal experience, I did what any uni grad does when they need an opinion.

I remembered something I'd learnt in a second-year politics course.

This isn't what I learnt, though it would have been an
easier way to get a distinction

In the course, we spent a few weeks learning about Foundation and the political climate at the time. Fascinating stuff, but I remember it especially well because of my lecturer. It was just as Latham-Mania was running wild in 2004, when he was polling really well and when my wet dreams of him were really vivid. Anyway, the lecturer said Latham would be 'gone by Christmas'. I laughed at the old fool, because I was sure Prime Minister Latham was a certainty, but sure enough, on Boxing Day that year, the Tsunami hits and kills Latham dead in the water. What a horrible choice of words. Dead Indonesian babies.

Anyway, this all has a point. Aside from debating things like the length of pantaloons and the speed limits for those crazy bikes with one big wheel and one small one, our first politicians, our founding fathers if you will, created an industrial relations system that has survived in some form or another for over a century.

Look Phillip, that man has a bicycle coming out of his arse

It was a compromise between the workers and their bosses, between the regular joes and the owners of the factories that made the crazy bikes with one big wheel and one small one. They set up a wage arbitration body, to regulate pay. They introduced the concept of awards, which exist to this day. But above all, this system recognised the equality between bosses and workers. It's a goofy catchphrase these days, but this system was 'a fair go' for both sides. And it was pretty innovative stuff too, considering the rest of the world treated the working class like two-legged cattle that produced money from their sexy, voluptuous teats rather than milk.

It might sound boring as batshit, and I'll probably regret writing a blog about it when '0 Comments' stares me in the face for the next few days, but it's something to think about the next time you hear about someone getting denied a job because they didn't want to sign away their sick leave or their overtime.

Friday, July 7

I don't wanna wait, for my lunch to get colder... says (12:58 PM):
ive come up with a blog idea
actually no i havent

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (12:58 PM):
tell me
no harm in sharing

I don't wanna wait, for my lunch to get colder... says (12:59 PM):
it was more of an observation
like this silly bitch stopped because she knew the builder whos working on the shop next door
and she said "Gary!! what are you doing here!!?"
and its obvious hes fixing the fucking roof on the shop
its signed on his van, hes in work clothes and he had a sheet of tin in his hand
so yeah

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (12:58 PM):
yeah you're right, that's probably not worth a blog

I don't wanna wait, for my lunch to get colder... says (12:59 PM):

Wednesday, July 5

Somebody showed me a link to a site called, which as the name suggests, matches Muslims. Like AdultMatchMaker, but if you post a rude name you get stoned to death. So I thought that I'd go undercover, like I did with the Emos in The Wild series, and see what happened. I went about creating a profile.

My name was Abilio, I was 39 years old, 6"0, 215 pounds of pure Muslim stud. Born in Azerbaijan, I lived in Australia, but was willing to 'pay for you to relocate' thanks to the generous salary package I earned as a 'freelance engineer' (read: terrorist). I was very Islamic, to the point where I even considered pets 'Haraam' (the opposite of 'Halal'). My interests included studying the Quran, staying indoors, Qawallis music and Big Brother Friday Night Games. All in all, it took me about 15 minutes to make this hilarious profile, including a few minutes to find some suitable pictures of my fictional Muslim love machine.

Hello lady, would you like to commence the marriagement?

And then I tried looking at my profile. Not only was the profile open to just members of the site, but members had to PAY to see all of it. And trust me, it really wasn't that funny. Unlike Wil Anderson, I don't charge people for my bad jokes.

So, I quit. I suicided bombed my keyboard, and tried to think of something to blog about. Then, an anonymous fairy found this page on the same site. It's the Al-Albaani, the etiquette of a true Muslim marriage. Translated to English, Al-Albaani means 'champagne comedy'. So, let's take a look, in a guide I'm going to call...


From The 14th Century To Your Bedroom!

After a little hadith action, we read some words straight from the Quran (OMG TERRORIST), then get into the good stuff - the rules. Let's screw convention and start with #1.

1. Kindness toward your wife when you wish to enter into her

It is desirable, when one goes into his wife on his wedding night, to show her kindness, such as presenting her with something to drink, etc.

Now, in Western cultures, spending $20,000 on a wedding and listening to the bitch babble on about colours, dresses and menus is enough to score some wedding night poon. But those Muslims always like to make things more difficult for themselves, so they force another act of kindness before the OHIOHHMMHMHUNFFFFF begins.

And people say Muslims treat their women bad? He gets her a DRINK!

We'll skip the stuff about praying and flip ahead to rule Number 4.

4. What to say at the time of making Love

When a Muslim man is about to enter his wife, he should always say first:

Bismillahi, Allahumma jannibnaa ash-shaitaan, wa jannib
ash-shaitaan maa razaqtanna

[In the name of Allah, O Allah, keep us away from the devil, and keep the devil away from that which You may grant us (ie. offspring).]

Isn't that beautiful? 'Oh Dina, before we consummate our marriage, let me just make sure you're not going to give birth to a demon spawn'. I wonder if the guy says it in a sexy voice too. Like instead of saying 'ash-shaitaan', he says 'ash.......-ssssssshaitannn.....'

5. How he should come to her

It is allowed for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her vagina from any direction he wishes - from behind or from the front. About this Allaah revealed the following verse:

"Your wives are a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth
when or how ye will" [al-Baqarah 2:223]

Yeah, you like that, you dirty little tilth? Yeah, my tilth likes what Daddy gives her. Mmm. First off, the title for that rule is completely misleading. I thought we'd skipped straight to the end, but it's just about the positioning. And wow, look at that. Two positions. It's like the Reader's Digest Kama Sutra.

6. The Prohibition of Sodomy

It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus.

So that's why there were no Muslim chicks in any of the videos I downloaded.

8. Bathing is preferable

Uhh... Preferable?

If you live in say, Saudi Arabia, and you've come back from your job in the oil fields and have more body hair than Robin Williams, and you're going to shag a woman who has worked under a burqa all day in an arid desert climate, I think the least both of you could do is RUN A FRIGGING BATH?!

12. Making Tayammum in a state of Janaba instead of Wudhuu'

It is also permissible to make Tayammum sometimes instead of wudhuu' before sleeping. This is based on a hadith of 'Aa'ishah in which she said: "When the Prophet was in a state of janaba and wished to sleep, he used to make wudhuu' or Tayammum."

Ok, I like to think I know a little bit about Islam, and I'm pretty sure that somebody got 'Muslim Rules of Marriage Ettiquette' mixed up with 'Names of Planets In Star Wars'. Cause I'm pretty sure the Death Star blew up Janaba.

Han Solo escapes the destruction of Wudhuu

And after the obligatory picture break - Rule #14.

14. The Prohibition of sex when She is Menstruating

It is forbidden for a Muslim man to have sexual intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating.

They need to be told by freaking Allah?

18. The Lawfulness of Coitus Interruptus

Withdrawl of the penis from the vagina at the time of ejaculation with the purpose of avoiding impregnation. This can be done only with the permission of one's wife).

Coitus Interruptus sounds like a legal term.

'Your honour, my client was unaware of the coitus interruptus precedent at the time he murdered the woman via bukkake'.

'Very well, I find the defendant Superman not guilty.'

21. What he should do the Morning After His Wedding Night

It is desireable for the husband to go to his relatives who came to visit him in his house, on the following morning, to give them greetings and pray for them.

Considering all the other rules have been about how best to bone your Muslim possession/wife, wouldn't that be an akward little conversation?

22. The House must have a Place for Bathing

The married couple must have a place to bathe in their house


And the final one...

23. The Prohibition of Spreading Bedroom Secrets

It is forbidden for either the husband or the wife to spread any of the secrets of their bedroom to anyone outside.

Thereby ruining my planned pilot for Durka Durka Desperate Housewives.

There you have it. So, next time you're in a crowded marketplace in Dubai, and your/his eyes notice your/her pitch-black burqa, while your/her eyes travel slowly down your/his body to the belt full of plastic explosives, and you fall in love at first glance/stoning, you will be prepared. Thanks to me, and

Tuesday, July 4

My hits double every time I talk about Big Brother (and they halve when I post a guest blog from REDACTED) so I figured I'd give it another turkey slap to the face with my blog-penis.

SackToTheFaceGate 2006 has taken over the nation. Everybody's talking about it, from handsome bloggers, to radio DJs, to news readers. Sadly, we didn't get to hear Sandra Sully say 'turkey slap', but that was wishful thinking anyway. So with everyone in the nation consumed with the details of the short-term relationship between Ashley's balls and Camilla's cheek, we turn to our esteemed leaders to guide our country back on course. Because with the War on Terror, the growing health crisis and the drought, Australia cannot afford to be distracted by such petty, Big Brother trivialities.

Oh wait, apparently we can.

After having successfully solved every single problem facing the Australian continent, our wise representatives in Canberra have turned their focus to the Turkey Slap.

John Howard
called for Ten to do a bit of 'self-regulation' and cancel the show.

Kim Beazley, indecisive as usual, didn't approve of SackToTheFaceGate 2006 because he had 'daughters', but just thought Big Brother shouldn't be brought back next year.

Queensland Premier Peter Beattie said Big Brother shouldn't be axed because of the jobs it provides, Democrats Senator Andrew Bartlett said the politicians should STFU, and that slimey Family First dick Andrew Fielding said the Turkey Slap had a detrimental effect on families. Because so many children were watching the Big Brother live internet stream at 4:07am (the only time it was ever broadcast).

'Seriously' Ten has flipped all these old coots the big bird, and announced that Big Brother 7 will be produced next year.


But no matter what you think about Big Brother, I think we can all gather around the TommyIsCool campfire and agree that politicians are a bunch of dicks, and that this is how revolutions start.

Camilla 4 Prime Minister

Sunday, July 2

So, Ashley and John got evicted from the Big Brother house for some weak-ass "sexual assault" on Camilla. Here's a picture. Ashley is the blurry green glob on the left, John is the blurry green glob on the right, and Camilla is in the middle. You can tell by her body language that she's just asking for someone to rub their genitals against her face.

Wow, my pillow feels a little hairy tonight

Like getting your mate to hold down a sleeping girl while you turkey slap her with your dick and balls is anything but harmless fun. When did this nation turn into a bunch of prudes? Whatever happened to the good days, the days before the feminazis took over this country and introduced fake words like "rape"?

But srsly folks

Rape is not funny. (Owls, on the other hand, are hilarious.) People always bag out Big Brother because it's full of drunk idiots acting like tossers, but I've always found it somewhat entertaining. But what happened to Camilla was about as close to rape as you can get without yelling 'SURPRISE!', and that's not cool.

I say the only way to save the show is to either bring back Jo from Big Brother 3 so she can seduce the boys to not vote for her, or get Krystal to rub her fake norks on all the housemates in the house (except the old bitch), so we even up the sexual assault.

You know I'm right.