Friday, March 30

Tommy Presents - 'Completely Unrelated Headlines'

So, I did my usual daily check of Halle Berry news, and stumbled upon this...




Shocking.

Why would someone so successful, so well-respected and so hot as Halle Berry want to off themselves?







This has been the first hilarious installment of Tommy's highly successful 'Completely Unrelated Headlines' comedy bit. 'Completely Unrelated Headlines' is filmed infront of a live, studio audience.

Wednesday, March 28

Video Post #666 - The Mark Of The Ugly Girl In A Smock Frock

I love video posts. They're what you do when the only other thing to talk about is David Hicks. More like David Boring. In Boringtanamo Bay. Who commited an act of bortreason. Take that, guy without any legal rights.

The children in this video are why boarding schools were invented.

Rubiks Cube - The Cartoon. Just watch the intro.

Captain America - Fuck Yeah! R.I.P Cap :(

In keeping with RacistWeek - JAPS CAN'T COUNT!! HAAHA!@# HOW DID THEY PASS KINDERGARTEN?!@# LOOLLL

Charles has a licking problem
, courtesy of the genius behind ToothpasteForDinner and 'Charles has a licking problem'.



He has other wicked videos too.

The only person I've ever subscribed to on YouTube, the unfortunately named ShyaPorn is also wicked. Check out his 500 Impressions in 2 Minutes if you haven't already.

A stabbing at a birthday party. Crazy.

Teenage Mutant HARDCORE TURTLES!@#$ (not the good hardcore)

And now, my favourite video of the batch - Rebecca King shares her passion for Live Action Role-Playing. It's a little long, but so worth it.

Kind of like me. Wink.


Sadly, Rebecca doesn't share her other passion - being frumpy

Monday, March 26

Audio Blog: HorseFaceGate

Yes, as if a 10-comment extravaganza wasn't enough, HorseFace/TommyIsARacistGate has been picked up by the mainstream media.

Listen to this story, which was on Channel Nine's morning bulletin.


Warning: Contains Bad Impressions



props to dj locu for hosting

Sunday, March 25

That's when bad blogs become good friends.

So, Iemma won.

*segue from NSW politics to bad TV soapie*

Neighbours is an Australian institution, a huge international success, and also rates like shit. Really. Even Rove rates higher. It's a disgrace. I'm not a big watcher, but I do catch about one episode a week, just because that's what cool people do. Also, I think Susan is a total milf.

But nobody wants to see Neighbours get the axe, especially not me. So here are my Top 6 Ways To Fix Neighbours, straight from my brain to your fictional Melbourne suburb with an extremely high car-accident fatality rate.

#1 - Get rid of the fat girl.


Come on guys, The Biggest Loser is on after Neighbours, not during. They've recently tried to spice up boom-ba's character by turning her goth. They would have turned her emo, but the whole stovepipe jeans thing doesn't really work when your fankles curl up over the socks.

#2 - More Lou


Lou is the best character in Neighbours. Better than Harold, because since Madge died, Harold has just been Lou's bitch. Lou needs more screen time, more zany gambling scenes, and more bits where he rubs his hands together and goes 'AH!'. Lou Lou Lou. Lou. More Lou.


#3 - Kill Sting-Ray

Oh, they did that. Wicked.

this may be the wrong picture


#4 - Spend some money


Seriously guys, check out your competition. Home And Away might be 30 minutes of dogshit, but at least it looks good. Exterior scenes, pretty beaches and cliffs, sets that don't look like they're leftovers from The Sullivans, and sometimes they even film at night. Crazy. Does the sun ever set in Ramsay Street? You're meant to be in Melbourne, not a 2002 Christopher Nolan film starring Al Pacino and Robin Williams bam

#5 - More talent

Ever since Holly Valance and Izzy left, Neighbours has been devoid of eye candy. Home and Away has it in droves. There's Isabel Lucas, who I get way too many search hits for (typically involving dirty adjectives not repeatable in company) and the chick with a Hulk Hogan-esque tan, and the young one who I'm not sure is over 16 so probably shouldn't describe.

While over at Neighbours, there's the fatty, the horse-faced Asian and Stephanie McIntosh, who Matt once described as the 'ethnic' looking one. And he has low standards.





#6 - More Dr. Karl.

It's simple. Dr. Karl is Neighbours. His affair with Sarah, the receptionist. Susan finding out from her son Billy/Chase from House, and Karl trying to apologise only for Susan to go DON'T YOU TOUCH ME!@# and slap him like a mofo. Then Susan married the guy who played The Man From Snowy River who died and Karl messed around with Izzy and she said it was his baby but it wasn't. And then they got back together.


DON'T YOU TOUCH ME!@@w FUCKIN YEAH GO SUSAN


Seriously, if Neighbours was just Dr. Karl constantly cheating on his wife, it would be the most-watched program in the entire world.

It's science. Isn't that right, Toadie?


Friday, March 23

TASER~!

There'll be a real blog tomorrow or Sunday. In the mean time, this.

Wednesday, March 21

A Rooster Fan - An Emo Poem by Tommy.

A Rooster Fan

An Emo Poem by Tommy





Here goes

That's not part of the poem

It doesn't even rhyme.

Or does

it.

lol

ok


In 1995, I chose my new team

The Mighty Sydney Roosters, the Red, Blue, White and Green.


Red for their coach, the slightly homo Phil Gould

Blue for the water they swim in to cool

White because they don't have many abos.

...


And green for the colour of money, the source of their power.


They were shit for a few years, until it was their time

In 2002, they beat the Kiwis, hitting their prime.

Then they lost in 2003, to the bogan Panthers from the West

But 2004 would be their true test


In Freddy Fittler's last game, we watched mouth agape

As the Premiership was stolen, by the Doggies who rape


And now two years later,

I wonder what's the matter

As I change the pronounciation to rhyme with 'later'


The Mighty Sydney Roosters are missing their second word,

And Braith Anasta kicks bombs like a synonym for turd.


But there's hope for the future,

Because I've got a new team

The Mighty Kevin Rudd,

Who John Howard, he'll ream.


Thank you.

Monday, March 19

Straight to the Wiki-Keeper - Tommy's Guide To The Other Wikis

I love Wikipedia. It helped me kick ass at uni, and these days, with nothing else to do, it helps me with more important things, like trying to find out what the longest-at-#1 Single of the 90's was when I'm sure it's 'My Heart Goes On' but my mate insists it's 'Pretty Fly For A White Guy' and it turns out we're both wrong and it's 'Gangster's Paradise'.

But some people don't like Wikipedia. Apparently, it's pursuit of objectivity, citations and factual accuracy gets in the way of certain people's beliefs. So, there's rival Wikis, with less stringent criteria. There's my personal favourite - the CreationWiki, which contains entries from a creationist world-view, a view apparently stifled by those godless Wiki moderators.

It's so awesome. Search for 'Agnosticism' and you find a quote from Jesus talking to the Pharisees. Search for 'Dinosaur', and you are informed that it was most likely humans who caused the extinction of dinosaurs by hunting them. As the informed contributer says: perhaps the T-Rex could haved "survived the flood, but they could not survive mankind".

Dude obviously hasn't seen Jurassic Park II. Not even humans with tranquiliser guns and cars could take down the T-Rex, but David slings a few rocks, and bam, he's wiped out an entire species.


Jeff Goldblum, Vince Vaughn and Toby from The West Wing > Noah


Sadly, you have to be approved by the site administrators to edit anything at the CreationWiki, thereby ruining my plan to copy paste Jack Bauer's biography into the entry for Jesus.

But, another Wiki contender is open for vandalism. Meet the Conservapedia, a Wiki for conservatives. Because there's a lack of conservative opinions in the world, with just George Bush, John Howard, Fox News, The Daily Telegraph, Sky, the rest of News Limited, nearly every single paper in Australia, Channel Nine, Talk Radio and the Wall Street Journal.

You can pretty much sum up Conservapedia with one picture. Search for 'Objectivity', and what do you get?


lol faux news!@#


I rest my case.

But it's not beyond saving. It's actually pretty easy to fix Conservapedia. Let me show you. Take John Howard's entry.



more like 'prime ministers needing major improvement', am i rite



Now, all we do is remove the Conservative bias, add a bit of objectivity and...





Perfect.

Friday, March 16

I had about five vagina jokes lined up, but I just used one

I don't often post about NSW State Politics, mainly because it bores me, and I'm the kind of guy who reads sites like these, so it must be bad. It's also very, very depressing. On one hand, you have Morris Iemma and the Labor Government, which have fucked over every single thing in the state.

And I'm not joking. They have physically penetrated every single thing in NSW. Well, Milton Orkopolous took care of the kids, but Iemma and Co did the rest.

But then, opposing them you have Peter Debnam and his Opposition, hand-picked by members of the Christian Right. And wow, didn't they do a bang-up job. Even if you ignore the fact that Debnam's most memorable policies are 'selling Lotto' and 'locking up Middle-Eastern thugs for anything', the guy wears speedos far too often. It's like one of his advisers told him to 'show the voters your soft side', so he took that as an excuse to make a package delivery at every press conference.

Oh that? That's just my package. God delivered it, I signed for it.


And it's even worse for me. I want to make a protest vote against Labor, and I'd be more than happy to vote for my local Liberal member Wayne Merton, but... well... look at him.


Mr Merton, look at the camera.... No, no, with both eyes...


That is not someone I want to be associated with. I don't like the idea that Baulkham Hills, home to the most fashionable, best-looking metros, emos and Hill$ong members, is represented by a man who has a vagina in his cheek. Seriously, look at that thing.



Though, maybe I should vote for him. I just realised that Wayne's a pretty special guy after all. He's the only elected member in the world whose vagina has a five o'clock shadow.



Well, except Amanda Vanstone.


This has been a paid editorial for the New South Wales Labor Party, Sydney.

Wednesday, March 14

The Fall Of Howard - The Porn Lunch

Ok, so Matt is in Canberra on 'business' (stalking Samuel Gordon Stewart), so it looks like I'm going to have to write more than one blog a week. Christ, it's like the site is named after me or something.

Howard Has Lunch With Porn Mogul


Now, the obvious joke now is 'Tommy, how come you didn't tell us you had lunch with the Prime Minister?', but we're all above that.

What we aren't above, however, is jokes about Howard 'boning' himself for having lunch with porn director Scott Phillips, or some better variation of that sentence which is actually funny.

I just love how dumb the girlfriend who brought Phillips, King Of Porn, to the fundraiser was. 'Hmm... I'm going to a fundraiser for a Liberal Party MP at a dinner full of Young Liberals and a Prime Minister who thinks 'C'mon Kids' was a little raunchy... I might invite the director of Down Under Anal Invasion.



I want to know if Howard spoke to him. Not because it would show his hypocrisy over BurkeGate or the other scandal involving the Labor MP who had to resign that doesn't have an easily remembered 'Gate' name, but just because I want to know what they talked about.


'So Scott, what do you do for a living?'

'I film pornography. Hardcore, hardcore pornography.'

'Oh, I.. uhh..ahhh..wwaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh''Do you want some?'

'Of course not, I'm the Prime Minister of Aust- yes.'


What can I say, Howard loves porno.

Sunday, March 11

For today... today is our Independence Day.... Independence from... not smelling bad. Ok, fine, does anyone else want to do a speech?

On July the 1st, smoking will be banned in NSW pubs and clubs, or something like that. I don't know the details. All I know is, smokers are cunts. All of them. The only smokers that aren't cunts are those who look really cool doing it (see below), or soldiers in a battlefield or somewhere really cold, like Melbourne.

I don't know who this 'ANDA' chick is, but damn if that's not a cool pipe

And so I don't get called out for being a hypocrite, obviously the green stuff is excepted. Actually, all drugs of all kinds. Go for your life. I don't care if you strap up your arm Bauer-style and turn the Castle Hill RSL pokie lounge into a shooting room, as long as it doesn't make my shirts smell, you can inject entire opium fields. The Afghans need money, anyway.

Because essentially, that's what it comes down to. I don't really care how people live their lives. I don't really care that smokers are a multi-billion dollar burden on the health system. But if you make my shirt stink, you're a cunt.

A weak, dopey cunt, I might add, who thinks their meaningless life is so god damned stressful that they need to inhale toxic chemicals and are entitled to blow fumes into my awesome shirt that has a picture of a cartoon woodpecker with his beak stuck in a plank of wood that says 'my pecker is stuck' and i understand the connotation that my dick must get stuck in 'wood' and i don't appreciate you thinking about that while i'm talking about whatever it is i was talking about three lines ago

here, post a pic of an ugly chick to distract them long enough to forget you own a shirt that refers to your dick


And I know the counter-argument, that if we ban smoking we may as well ban junk food, or motorcycles, or asians. To that, I say no. Smokers are cunts. Don't you get it? I've said it like four times. Why ban junk food? Fat people aren't cunts. You fat-cist. Then I laugh cause I made a pun and fat people are funny because they are big and different and do that high-pitched squeal when they laugh.

And now the part where I end the blog with a callback, illustrating my depth of thought and clear, concise writing style


But at least they're not cunts.

nice one

Thursday, March 8

Not so tough without your shield, huh

Captain America is dead.


CAPDOWNED!@


Is it wrong that I took more notice of the death of Captain America than the 21 people who died in that Indonesian plane crash? Or is that excusable, just because I associate plane crashes with mystical islands, polar bears and hot dirty Kate/Sawyer cage sex?

I think it is.

Though, sadly for the 21 people who perished in that crash, I have a feeling they won't be returning in ten issues time after it's revealed they enlisted Iron Man's help to fake their death in order to infiltrate the villainous Red Skull's organisation. At least not all of them. Maybe one.

And it might just be my television and comic-fuelled imagination, but doesn't this crash seem a little convenient? I mean, it's taken a certain story off the front pages, a story that was at the top of news bulletins for almost five days, a story that threatened to do a lot of damage to a certain politician. I don't want to suggest anything, but here's a picture of the crash site...



Tuesday, March 6

Breaking News: Nobody Gives A Shit About Brian Burke

Has there ever been a more boring scandal in politics than Brian Burke/Kevin Rudd's eating habits? Even the Canberra Press Gallery had to look him up on Wikipedia to figure out who he was. Not even Brian Burke knows who Brian Burke is.

Today's Newspoll, taken after BurkeGate broke, shows Labor up three points, leading 57-43, their biggest lead in eleven years of Howard (except for the time Beazley got it in 2001). In other news - eleven years of Howard. Good lord.

Additionally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Australia that the Government could have fixed in the week they spent trying to stitch up Kevin Rudd over a dinner he had with a dodgy old man where he may or may not have discussed a leadership challenge that happened eighteen months later. It's perfect. An island paradise. All hail Honest John.




Saturday, March 3

His best friend's a talking pie! SOLD!

So the other night over a quiet game of poker, which I lost after going all in on a pair of eights (I hate myself), I got asked a hypothetical. Not one of the good ones, like 'would you cut off one of your nuts if you could shag Jennifer Hawkins', one of the 'let's see if you're an evil dick' ones.

You and a friend are in two matching cages, next to each other. In each cage is a button.

You're each told by the evil doctor/scientist/hyper-intelligent monkey that the button in your cage sends the other plummeting to their death.

However, in five minutes, if neither of you has pressed the button, both of your cages fall, and you both die.


Not the kind of cage I'm talking about, but King Kong Bundy would totally press the button to kill Hulkamania



So what do you do?

Do you not hit the button, and hope your mate doesn't?

Or do you hit the button, saving one life (coincidentally - yours) rather than ending two?


More importantly, how come every single one of my mates said they wouldn't hit the button, and I said I totally would? Does that make me evil? How come they didn't get angry at the god damn monkey that put us in the cages to begin with?


Vote now

Friday, March 2

I can't compete with the boobs blog, so here's all my worst stuff

Welcome everyone, I trust you all had a great Penises Day on Wednesday.

Today's blog will just be a hodge-podge of stuff, like that NSW Opposition Leader Peter Debnam looks exactly like Frank Spencer from Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.

betty the cat did a whoopsy in my beret


David Hicks got charged today, for 'providing material support for terrorism'. Fabrics mainly. This is a blow to the Howard Government, and for all the vapid dirty nutbars, who'll need to find another terrorist to protest for.

Finally, this is pretty much the single funniest opening paragraph of a news article ever, at least since the Tsunami.

BETHLEHEM, Pa. - When police entered the office of Nitschmann Middle School Principal John Acerra to arrest him for allegedly selling crystal methamphetamine, they found the 50-year-old educator naked and watching gay pornography with sex toys nearby, sources say.

Now I'm getting all nostalgic for primary school :(