Friday, March 31

And now, a TommyIsCoolDotCom stolen joke:

So, you know how some last names originate back to what sort of job your ancestors did? Like Baker, or Butcher, or Smith?

Well, what's the deal with Dickinson?

Wednesday, March 29

Tony Blair said 'Bloody'!!

The British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, said 'Bloody'!!

The leader of the British Labour Party, one Mister Tony Blair, said 'Bloody'!

Der Britisches Premierministers, Tony Blair, besagtes 'Bloody'!

Le Premier Ministre Britannique, Tony Blair, ehhh, how you say ehh... Bloody?

And then I ate the whole Watermelon like this and it was really nice and yummy






There's only one way to solve this. Writing in caps on my blog just won't cut it anymore.

Somebody get me the Governor General.

Monday, March 27

So, Tony Blair addressed Parliament today, and I'm a mark for his voice so I thought I'd chuck on Sky News. As is the custom, before Blair addressed the colony, he was introduced by both the Prime Minister and the Leader of the No-Porno-sition. Basically, the two compete to see who can compliment Blair the most, without sounding like an arselicker.

Anyway, Howard is verbally fellating the UK PM TB, and drops in a quote from some Arch Bishop friend of Tony who said 'The thing you need to understand about Tony Blair is that he's Australian'. After the quote, Howard defies the laws of comedy and MAKES A JOKE, saying 'In light of that Mr. Prime Minister - where the hell have you been?', a lovely tip of the hat to the current Australian tourism ad.


The ad goes 'Where the bloody hell are you?'. What kind of a message does Howard's omission send to our children, to our children's children, to our children's children's adopted child who they don't like as much as their real ones? 'Bloody' is not a swear word. You can say it in Parliament ('Conga line of suckholes' is also acceptable). 'Bloody' is said by Australians from all walks of life, every single day. It is perhaps the most important word in the Australian vernacular. 'Bluddy hell' is what Australians say when they drop something on their toe, or when they see something amazing, or when John Howard gets re-elected. Bloody is... it's....

It's beautiful.

And if Howard doesn't feel comfortable dropping the b-bomb, then I am going to pull out the big guns and call him something horrible, the very worst curse in Australian English.

You, Mr Howard are UN-AUSTRALIAN

Oh yeah Vince McMahon, I said it

Take that Howard

Saturday, March 25

American Vice-President Dick Cheney is in the news again for the wrong reasons. A copy of Cheney's 'rider', the list of requirements for the Veep's hotel stays while travelling was leaked to Apparently Cheney likes Diet soft drink and bottled water. The pussy.

Anyway, this grabbed my interest, so I called a few friends I made in the Seventh Layer of Hel-, The Liberal Party and managed to grab a copy of Prime Minister John Howard's downtime requirements. Excuse the dodgy quality, but it's been photocopied a few times. It was also touched by the Dark Lord himself, placing an eternal curse of misery on the paper. Anyway, I scanned it and chucked it on the net. You might have to click on it to get it to a readable size.

Tuesday, March 21

You know, after the Fall of The Latham, nothing any political leader has said since has really fired me up. Sure, when John Howard claims not to know anything about anything much at all so he doesn't get done for lying, I get a little miffed. When Tony Abbott starts sounding more like The Pope (not the dead Pope, he can't speak because he is in hell for being a Catholic) and less like the Health Minister, my eyebrows twitch. And when Peter Costello proves he had a vagina surgically implanted everytime he 'refuses to rule out' a challenge to Howard, I get a little confused. But nobody has really said anything that's perked my interest.

Until this:

Beazley announces plan to block Internet porn

The Federal Opposition has outlined a plan to block Internet pornography reaching home computers.

Opposition Leader Kim Beazley says a Labor government would introduce laws requiring Internet service providers to offer a "clean feed" without pornographic and violent sites.

From ABC News


As a good and proper journalist, I should declare my vested interest in this matter, having published erotic digital photographs of Lou from Neighbours without his consent for the last three years. But come on Kimbo. Aside from the fact your idea is technologically impossible, it restricts basic freedoms for the sake of a few votes from the conservative, religious wanks who'll probably now just preference you #4 instead of #5, behind Family First, The Liberals, the Christian Democrats and the Bomb The Towelheads party.

I'm the Juggernaut bitch

It's not the Government's job to act as a parent for those people too useless to do the job themselves. If your kid is looking up porn, buy a filter. If he gets around the filter, he's obviously intelligent so buy him some KY and enrol him in an IT course. Forcing people to call up their internet provider and say 'Hey, I'd like to get the porno version of the internet, I'm really into midgets' just so poor little Jimmy doesn't see boobies before he hits 14 is ridiculous.

If we're going to legislate parenting, why don't we make McDonalds illegal so we don't produce another generation of fat little pricks who go on to become leaders of the ALP and release stupid policy that costs us our porn?

Sunday, March 19

But, plugs

I don't normally plug other blogs on my site because I like to maintain the idea that my blog is the only blog in the world and it's so pretty and purdy you just want to print it out, stick it onto a storefront mannequin and boof the living shit out of it, but I am going to make an exception for 'Needs To Be Glassed'

It's awesome, though I'd advise my Christian readers to ignore the 2nd link down on the right-hand side toolbar

Wednesday, March 15

There are laws against defamation and slander in Australia, and I have no idea if what I say on my blog can get me sued. As I like my bank account how it is, I'm going to walk on the safe side. Keeping that in mind, I present to you today's blog:


I really don't like athletics. I mean, I cheered for Cathy Freeman and bitched quietly to my friends about an Abo lighting the Olympic torch like every Australian, but I've never really cared. Just like Matt Shirvington's massive package, I could never quite get my head around the idea that these runners, jumpers and walkers were something to be paraded around as modern-day gods (especially because most of them are juiced up on more steroids than Triple H).

And then Jana Pittman went psycho.

Uh oh I poopy my pants

Jana milking her injury for all the publicity she could get during the Olympics, only to let down the nation by coming 5th. Jana firing up at the much, much, much hotter Tamsyn Lewis after Tamsyn said she calls Jana a 'bitch' in her head on the starting blocks. Jana getting engaged twice before the age of 25. Jana attacking the media for attacking her because she's not a dopey whore. She was the anti-Cathy. The golden girl turned bad. The baddy of athletics. The dumb intelligent ugly attractive slut slut.

And to make things better, she lived near me! So I was access to all sorts of nasty rumours about her, like how she went over to one of my friend's houses when she was about twelve and said she wanted 'blonde pubes like her Mum'. Yes, that's a fucking exclusive. You heard it here first. Jana Pittman's mum has blonde pubes.

So Jana, the whole country might think you're not an overrated tool who needs to shut her steel-filled mouth before she gets deported, but at least you're entertaining. Good luck in whatever event you compete in, you dumb bitch.


Monday, March 13

So, former Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic died, thereby ending the classic high school 'Slobberonmycockyoubitch' joke. I don't really have much to say about that aside from good riddance you genocidal nutbag I hope you rot in the worst of hells and get poked up the bott-bott by an oiled-up Hitler

I would, however like to call out those low-rating bastards at National Nine News. They did a story on Slobber's timely passing last night, and for the sake of remaining impartial, finished the piece by calling him a 'Monster, or great leader'. Here's a tip, if some people think you're a MONSTER, then you're not a 'great leader'. That sound byte was placed on top of footage of the concentration camps Milosevic created. Now, I don't know what the working conditions are at Channel Nine studios in Willoughby, and I know Eddie's cutting costs, but concentration camps = not great.

Slobodan - Monster or Great Leader?

There is this idea that news must remain completely impartial and politically correct in even the most black and white of situations. It's why the BBC always gets in trouble for never calling terrorists 'terrorists', instead using words like 'freedom fighter', 'insurgent' or 'Prime Minister John Howard'. If you blow up something in the name of Allah, you're a terrorist. If you commit genocide, you're a monster. If you attack Oprah on her couch while professing your love for Katie Holmes, you're a frigging wackjob. Some things are just that simple. And when the news media try to inject impartiality into such debates, most of the time they just reduce the severity of the nutbar's actions and give credence to their supporters.

'One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter' is a cool phrase to chuck in when you're discussing the Iraq War with your lefty mates at the uni coffee shop, but it's bullshit. Most of the time, one man's terrorist is a terrorist. And if Channel Nine don't get that, not even Bert can save them.

Friday, March 10

It's March 10th, and you know what that means!!


He doesn't know much, but he knows he loves youuuu

As is customary, find my Aaron Neville impression here

Wednesday, March 8

Emos IN THE WILD: Part 3 - Undercover Emo

You thought I'd forgotten, hadn't you.

My transformation into a MySpace emo wasn't easy. First, I needed pictures. Those were provided by my sexy Olympus camera, and the less-sexy REDACTED. Then, I needed poetry. Luckily, I had recently been provided with an emo goldmine, the url of which shall remain a secret because I will probably steal more stuff from there later. After that, I needed a dark, emo MySpace template, which I found on the net. Once I had all that hooked up, all I needed was some screamo music, and bam. Goodbye Tommy the blogger, hello 'Marcus Helms', The Ultimate MySpace Emo.

Marcus is 16 years old, lives in California and recently broke up with his girlfriend 'Ashlee'. Please visit his MySpace, or I'll/he'll cut myself/himself, and I don't want to have to explain this to my/his Dad.

Friday, March 3

If 24 is my favourite television show ever, LOST would have to be my favourite television show set on an island involving weekly flashbacks and a crazy monster. Along with 24, Lost is the only show on television that consistently reduces me to a disbelieving stereotypical black ghetto chick who yells at the screen. OH NO HE DID-NT! There are more cliffhangers than a Sylvester Stallone marathon, and more twists and turns than a pretzel with spina bifida. Plus, it has more missing, deranged and frumpy French scientists who murder their teammates than any other serial drama on television.

Some of you are already hooked on Lost, some of you are disbelievers, some of you got into Lost late and are only now catching up, some of you are actual castaways on a mysterious island looking for tips (Tip 1: USE THE INTERNET CONNECTION YOU APPARENTLY HAVE). Whichever way you look at it, it's going to be a good idea for you to read..

Tommy AND MATT'S Guide To LOST!!

That's right, I had to bring Matt back after only a month away because I'm low on material. Now he won't stop hanging around my house late at night. I think I've created a monster. This is also because he's ripping up trees and hassling Locke.

We begin with the doomed flight, Oceanic Flight 815. Ripped apart in mid-air by forces unseen, the wreckage crashes to the ground faster than Ansett's money reserves or Kim Beazley's self esteem after catching sight of himself in a mirror. LOST follows 48 of the crash survivors, as they fight to survive on an island filled with more freaky shit than the toilets at a hot dog convention.

Hot dog convention?

The Island also possesses incredible casting skills, managing to ensnare planes full of attractive Americans with ease. It then proceeds to put each of the attractive, American models through trials, tests and completely insane, baffling nonsense which is all scarily relevant to who they are, why they were on the plane, and how much they're getting paid per episode. It also has polar bears!

Accompanying the survivors on the island is The Monster that rips through trees, roars a lot, and generally frightens the shit out of everybody. Although at first we were lead to believe that it was just Hurley stomping around for a midnight snack, we soon discovered that was not the case. We have only seen glimpses of the monster, typically in the form of a thick, smoggy black smoke. This has led some to theorise that the monster is actually a 1981 Toyota Crown.

One day, whilst out in the jungle 'looking for boar' (looking where to hide the boar, if you ask me), Locke and Boone, the two characters on the island with completely unnecessary 'e's at the end of their names, stumbled upon a large hatch in the ground. After trying a multitude of methods to open the hatch, which included smashing it with a trebuchet, crying like a bitch while on top of it and crushing Boone to death with a large sea plane, they finally got some planning help from science-queen, 'The French Chick' Rousseau, who holds the title for most moronic plan ever after offing her entire team and losing her baby, who came up with this awesome idea of simply blowing the fuck out of it with some TNT.

'The French Chick' Rousseau, ruining all the good work Amelie did

This, of course, set in motion the insane Irish guy, who had been living underneath the hatch and was also a big fan of the Mamas and the Papas, who decided to blind everybody with some massive light he found, then hold Kate and Locke hostage. It turned out that this Irish guy was not only better than Jack at running up and down stairs, but had also recently jumped completely off the deep end, sanity-wise. What is he doing down there? How long has he been there? And what the hell sort of name is Desmond anyway? It will force Locke and Jack to join forces to find out, even though we'd all like it better if Locke beat the crap out of Jack and hid his body in a crawlspace.

How about you show us your hatch, Kate?
Shut up, Locke.



Jack, for some idiotic reason, is the main character in Lost. Over the course of Lost's 30 or so episodes, Jack has had about 6000 flashbacks dedicated to commemorating every inane detail of his pitiful existence. They typically end with him crying like the glassy-eyed baby he is. Aside from raising Scott Wolf, Lacey Chabert and Neve Campbell by himself after the death of their parents, Jack is a skilled surgeon and has badass tattoos. He is the 'Man of Science' on Lost, constantly questioning the crazy shit that goes down, yet never once stopping to figure out why he and Kate haven't bumped uglies yet.

When shit goes down on Lost, Jack is there. He's there so often, in fact, that he's one bad experience away from stealing Charlie's guitar and writing songs about breaking up with his girlfriend before changing his name to Jaren and posting pictures of himself pretending to slash his wrists to his mySpace just to get attention from the other survivors.


We first knew Kate as the nice girl who helped stitch up Jack after the crash. Then, it was revealed she was a fugitive, hiding in the Australian outback from a U.S Marshall. Then, it was revealed she was a bank robber. Then, it was revealed she only robbed the bank and killed three of her criminal cohorts to retrieve a toy plane. Then, it was revealed she received the toy plane from her childhood sweetheart, who died when Kate was escaping the police after visiting her dying mother who was petrified to see her. Then, she went swimming.

Kate is hot.


I like Locke so much I'm going to write this part without Matt's help at all.


Ok, fine, you can help. For those of you who don't watch Lost, that's a hilarious reference to Episode 104 - Walkabout. It's truly brilliant. Honestly. If you'd seen the episode, you'd be in stitches right now. Stitches, people.

John Locke used to spend his time slacking off at his box factory, playing war games. Having been led by that Simpsons episode into believing that it would be his gateway to stardom as Krusty the Clown's sidekick, that didn't pan out and Locke was forced to find other methods of sustaining himself, such as selling what was left of his hair. Locke boarded the flight from Sydney after being rejected by some sort of stereotypical Australian pseudo-safari on the grounds he couldn't walk, in what was a flagrant show of disregard for this country's anti-discrimination laws. Of course, this is a show that proports our great nation would deport a man like Sawyer, instead of keeping him here to harness his gruff Southern charm as an alternative energy source.

Upon crashing on the island, Locke not only decided he adored the place that everyone else found terrifying and freaky beyond human comprehension, he further decided that his wheelchair was less useful in ferrying his lazy ass around and more useful for fellow castaways to haul their junk around in, stopped the whole 'cripple' charade and gutted some pigs instead. John Locke became pals with Boone, which would have any philosophy students in the readership guffawing to the limits of their guffaw glands.

Drugging Boone with delusion paste and making him chase his incestuous fantasy sister around the island soon bored Locke, and so he ordered Boone to climb into a precariously placed seaplane in a tree, and if you were surprised by what happened next you will definately enjoy Matthew Reilly's next novel.

In short, Locke is the 'Man of Faith' on the island. That doesn't mean he's some pansy-ass bible basher, he just sometimes talks about the wonder of the Island in between hitting Sayid with shovels, screaming at hatch doors and generally being a violent psycho.


Sawyer is quite the dichotomy - he does the right thing by someone, he stabs them in the back; he is an angry vengeful man, then he's showing you a sensitive side; you love him, then you hate him; you're married with two kids, then he's making you question your heterosexuality; it's a difficult role to play. Sawyer is involved in a love triangle with Kate and Jack, providing a 'Neighbours' sub-text to the show, but in this show there are no pseudo-Downs Syndrome kids nor is there tension in the audience because you keep thinking that Summer chick is really hot then you remember how old she is then you have to go punch myself in the back of my father's van because we talked about this I can't keep doing this or Im going to have to go back to the anger box till I learn better I've been a very bad boy such a bad boy.

Ahem, I digress.

So, Sawyer is so badass he once shot a man for giving him bad chilli shrimp. That's pretty badass. I mean, the story went something like that, I wasn't really paying attention. There was definately chilli shrimp, though.

For all you ladies out there, he also enjoys long walks in the jungle chasing angry boar, playing get-to-know-you drinking games, getting tortured by crazed Iraqis, giving people amusing nicknames and hearing weird fucked up voices warning him he's about to get gored.


In this racially charged and politically sensitive time, it wouldn't be responsible and topical television if they didn't include some camel-humping towel-head somewhere in there. hat's right, Sayid's an Iraqi. First they take all the jobs, now they're taking all the survival. Apart from that, Sayid's an okay guy - he helped a terrorist cell to detonate a bomb in Melbourne, he shot himself so that his girlfriend could go fuck a bunch of other Arabs, he shot and tortured a bunch of people when he was working for the Republican Guard, and he stuck bamboo shoots in Sawyer's fingernails before stabbing him in the arm.

The most remarkable thing Sayid has ever done is to convince people that he's the kind of guy who could even possibly think about pointing Iraq out on a map, as to hear the actor who plays Sayid speak is akin to cringing slightly when you hear someone run their nails on a chalkboard.

Except instead of 'run their nails on a chalkboard' it's 'speak with a godawful, screechy Cockney accent' and instead of 'cringe slightly' it's 'blow your brains out all over the fucking wall and then douse your lifeless corpse with a quart of napalm in case some essence of the sound stays with you after death'.


A visit to a psychic before the flight informed the then-pregnant Claire she was carrying a very 'special' baby, who could only be raised by her. If only she waited for RU-486. Aside from giving birth to a plot device, Claire also possesses one of the worst Australian accents in Lost, which is quite an achievement. Hearing Claire say THAYE TOOK MY BABAYE!@ just once would be enough to make me open the hatch door with my fingernails. If only she was hotter...

Jin / Sun

Hahaha, stupid Asians. And one of them cant even speak English. What a retard.

Charlie aka whiny ass hobbit punk

Lost's less-violent answer to Liam Ghallagher, having only killed one person. A musician in a failed rock band, Charlie landed on the island with a heroin addiction and an awful fringe. Now free of both, Charlie decided he needed another useless crutch, and became Claire's BFF. He could totally be tapping that if he didn't still have a thing for Frodo.

After being kidnapped along with Claire by the 'Others' on the island, Charlie was hung from a tree and left for dead, only to be revived by Jack for some reason. He must have had some spare time. Charlie has absolutely no redeeming characteristics, and will hopefully get eaten by a monster before the end of Season 2.


The late Boone's step-sister/lover, Shannon is only on the island for eye candy, so here's her bio:


The only cast member larger than the island itself, Hurley typically serves as comic-relief. Before the crash, Hurley won the lottery with numbers he heard a fellow patient repeat (4-8-15-16-23-42) during his time in a mental hospital. Coincidentally, those numbers are also Hurley's weight in kilograms. Hurley's obsession with the numbers is one of the driving forces for possibly the best mystery on the island so far.

He sees them wherever he goes, whether it's etched into the hatch, on netball players' backs or whether it's on the police report filed against him for the time he jumped the counter at a McDonalds and ate 4815162342 Quarter Pounders. Incidentally, that's 1203790585 Full Pounders.

Hurley used to be motivation for musical montages on the show, as he would plant himself on the beach towards the end of an episode and, being unable to get back up under his own power, would listen to his discman as he waited for the tide to carry him back out to sea. The discman gimmick was eventually stopped when Hurley used several of its parts as roughage for a burger he was making. Hurley is fat.


We group these two together, because they're father and son.

Don't get offended, it's OK - they're black.

Michael is Lost's resident over-actor, able to turn the most trivial of scenarios (like his son being kidnapped) into a whiny bitch-fest that can turn boom mics into putty. They took MY BOY! They burned MY RAFT! WAAALLLTTT! WAAAALLLTTTT! I USED TO BE A MOVIE STARRR! I WAS IN ROMEO+JULIET! I KNOW BAZZ LURRHMAANNN!

Though, I'd be angry too if my career highlight was being the replacement for the token black guy in the Matrix Sequels after the original demanded too much money. Yes, he's a second-string token black guy. The black guy you get when you can't get the black guy you actually want. You can't get much lower than that.

Oh, nevermind.

Walt is potentially the most important character on Lost. Walt is 'special', and his powers are the reason why he was kidnapped by the 'Others' on the island. He's not special like those kids who work at Baker's Delight, this kid's actually special, not the kind of special where that's just what the parents tell them so that maybe they'll believe it and will make it to 40 without killing themselves.

They want Walt to develop his talents on the island, rather than back home in his black person ghetto, where he'd just waste time stealing televisions and jacking cars. That's why Michael doesn't want Walt hanging out with Ana Lucia, so he doesn't have grandkids too lazy to even be ghetto trash.

And finally...


1. Problems will be left unresolved at their most tense moment just before the ad break/end of episode.

2. The survivors of Flight 815 were left with a brain impairment which makes it perfectly acceptable for them to stare off into the distance for long periods of time, reminiscing about their past and scarily relevant details about themselves and the crash.

3. Communication is not a valued commodity on the Island. Even though they'd all probably be off the Island, sitting around drinking daquaris if they just talked to each other about the INSANE FREAKY SHIT that happens, all characters prefer to keep vital details about the Island's mysteries to themselves, or only share them with people likely to die in plane-falling-of-cliff related accidents.

4. French people speak perfect English.

5. No one on the Island, apart from eleven of the most frequent characters, uses their voices in any fashion. Instead, they prefer to express themselves by well-timed nods to main cast members, milling around in the background while others are giving speeches, or by simply sitting on the beach, looking at the waves.

6. Important stuff only happens to the most interesting, photogenic survivors.

7. On a flight bound for the world's most obese nation, there will only be one fat guy.

8, After things calm down from whatever insane nonsense was surrounding the survivors that day, people will walk around in slow motion and mouth silently to each other whilst laughing long enough to allow a musical montage.

9. Chicks on freaky islands don't grow underarm hair. Also, even though no time has passed between seasons, characters will suddenly be sporting inexplicably fresh and interesting looking hairstyles.

10. All Australians speak like extras in pub scenes from early 1990's ABC period mini-series, complete with horrific pronounciations of the word 'baby'.

11. An unexplainable force on the Island completely suppresses everyone's sex drive, apart from the Southerner and the Has-Been-Rock-Star. They will be the only ones attempting to bed any of the other survivors, but will do so in uncoordinated manners, including childish nicknames, following their target like love-sick puppies or, in Charlie's case, attempting to ply them with heroin while they sleep.

12. The other exceptions to this rule are Iraqis and spoilt white girls, who will fuck like rabbits.

13. The island grants its inhabitants mystical powers, such as Locke's ability to walk, Walt's 'special' skills, almost everyone's ability to spend more than three minutes with Charlie and not want to strangle him, and Jack's ability to never grow more than a 5-day stubble.

So, in conclusion, it seems like everyone on Lost is completely fucked. Here is a spoiler image from the final ever episode of Lost.