Friday, September 29

Why Tommy Is Smarter Than 80% Of Australian Filmmakers

You'd think my last blog on the Aussie film industry might have changed a few minds. I mean, I'm not so modest as to think that the Who's Who of the Australian entertainment industry don't read my blog. Why, just last week I got an e-mail from Molly Meldrum asking me if I was free on a Saturday night. What a nice man. What a nice, unmarried man.

Anyway, I must have thought wrong, cause they're still doing the same shit. This week, the Film Finance Corporation (FFC) approved $54m bucks of funding for five new Aussie films, which is kind of like lending a box of tissues to a 15-year old boy - you ain't going to get much back. In fact, by my calculations, only one of these movies is going to be worth watching. Let's take a look at them, and see if you can pick it.

The first is called The Black Balloon, and to my disappointment, has nothing to do with the Goo Goo Dolls best song. Instead, it's a, wait for it, 'coming of age' film starring Toni Collette. Because that's the problem with the Australian film industry. Not enough 'coming of age' films. Toni plays a heavily-pregnant mother of two kids, one of whom is autistic. Semi-hotty model Gemma Ward plays a hotty, the only part of the film that makes any financial sense. Oh, but wait, it gets better. It's based on the life of its director! Now, all we need to do is murder the director and replace them with someone who isn't an uninteresting, pompous tosspot, and we got ourselves a movie, see.

I love you Gemma, even if you look like the Martian equivalent of Kate Hudson

The second film is called The Children Of Huang Shi. Let me repeat, the second Australian film that just got $10 million from the Film Finance Corporation of Australia is called The Children Of Huang Shi. It's about a British journalist and an Australian nurse who save orphans during Japan's invasion of China in 1937. It will be shot in China and Melbourne, and post-produced in Australia and Germany. Flaming blazes, chuck another Alf Stewart on the barbie, cause that movie just can't get anymore bloody Australian, crikey.

The cast and crew of The Children Of Huang Shi.
Mega awesoma Crocodile Hunter-domo!

The third film is a thriller called Acolytes, by a guy named Jon Hewitt. I don't know anything about this movie, but he spells his name 'Jon' without an H, so I'm going to assume the movie is going to be shit.

The fourth film is a drama called September. According to the article, it's "about the friendship between two 15-year-olds - one white and one black - in Australia's wheatbelt in the late 1960s." Woah. Hold your horses, director Peter Carstairs. Friendship? Late 1960's? Wheatbelt? Could such an exciting combination of things exist?! If this is a coming-of-age story too, I think I might just shit myself in anticipation, and then make a coming of age story about said shit.

But... what lies BEYOND the wheat?

(More wheat)

The fifth and final film, Daybreakers, is by the creators of the critical and financial success Undead. It's being financed by successful American film company Lion's Gate, and is a 'big budget vampire movie'. In case you couldn't tell by how I used the words 'success', 'successful' and 'big budget vampire movie', this is the one I think will actually, you know, have people watch it.

And just a tip, people who make shitty movies - maybe if you made more films like Undead, and Wolf Creek, and The Castle, and Lantana, and Crackerjack, and less 'coming of age' stories about a "struggling inner-city writer and the Phillipino manboy she meets while visiting an art gallery run by her troubled executive best friend only to discover that her salvation lies within herself following a battle with depression and drugs", maybe then you wouldn't have to rely on $54 million bucks from the FFC to make SHIT MOVIES THAT NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH!@#



Thursday, September 28


So I was talking to some loyal blog readers/people I pay to post comments, and said how I was going to post a nice, deep, wordy blog today. Most likely about something truly important to us all, like the war, or religion, or Tony Danza. But this morning, on my regular Google search for 'Saved By The Bell + Porn', I found this.




I think it says something about the power of celebrity when Screech has kinky three-ways and chicks let him shit on them. If Screech is hitting it like that, imagine all the poon Mr. Belding must be getting.


Seriously, once you've read 'Screech Kinky Sex Tape', nothing can surprise you anymore. There is no longer anything to live for. I'm shutting down the blog.

i'm lying

Tuesday, September 26

Rocky VI

I've made fun of Rocky Dennis before. For those of you who are not familiar with Rocky Dennis, he is the main character in the film Mask, starring Cher. It's about a boy whose face is so disfigured that he looks like he is wearing a horror-film mask. Cher plays his biological mother in the film, which might explain why his face looks like this:

I don't make fun of him because I think physical deformities are funny, it's just he always seems to keep popping up in my head. I've only seen the film once before, one night on Channel Ten after I finished 'watching' Sandra Sully present the late news. But his face was do distinctive, so memorable that I always think of it. And for some reason, I see it everywhere.

Especially when I see former Sydney Roosters centre turned rugby-union turncoat Ryan Cross.

Fittler, cut-out pass to Cross, Cross chased by a group of angry townsfolk bearing pitchforks, offloads to Minichiello, Roosters score!

Or star of Dawson's Creek, James Van Der Beek.

omg it's named dawsons creek cause dawson drowns in it trying to save joey i read it on the net

But last night, when I flicked to Australian Idol (shut up), I saw a new Rocky Dennis look-a-like. Not only did he look like Rocky, he acted like him, moving like a veritable Quasimodo on stage. According to the Idol website, his name is Bobby Flynn. According to a zoological study I had conducted by a friend at Taronga Zoo, he is most likely of the Homo Neanderthalensis genus, likes to hunt in packs, and considers fish heads a tasty treat.

Look at the similarities - Australian Idol, or Rocky Dennis? You be the judge.

That is all.

Saturday, September 23

Stand Up "Australia" - A "Comedy" "Show"

Aside from Wil Anderson and John Howard, I don't normally bag out stand-up comedians. Because being a stand-up comedian is a pretty tough job. It requires a lot of guts to hoist yourself on stage and do a set, contain yourself when the crowd doesn't laugh at your wicked joke about boongs, and then do it all over again the next night. I don't think I could do it, considering my hand shakes whenever I do a speech at a 21st/wedding.

But as I've shown before, there are exceptions to this rule. And Foxtel's TheComedyChannel just keeps pumping them out in a new show they call Stand Up Australia. The fact that the backdrop behind the performers included the Statue Of Liberty for the first week or so shows how much thought they've put into the show. But my beef isn't with that blatant Americanism, it's with the "comedians" on the show, specifically one who I've forgotten the name of.

Welcome to Stand-Up Australia, throw some shrimp on the barbie, digger. Yahoo Serious, Crikey!

It was a Friday night, I was losing poker to my mates, and the show was on in the background. I don't know if it was the guy's voice, or some kind of Spider-Sense on our parts, but for some reason we all stopped playing to watch him. And these are, as good as I can transcribe them, the jokes one of the "comedians" on Stand Up Australia used. If it helps, he sounded like a woggy version of Seinfeld, so use that voice in your head. Ok, here goes:

'Don't you hate when people make that 'refreshed' noise after they've taken a sip of a drink?

You know the.... *makes noise*.

If you're that refreshed, why don't you FUCK OFF?!!'

Yep, that's the joke. In case you missed it, the punchline was 'fuck off'. BOOM BOOM BOOM!!

But that's not all. What do you do after you make an awesome joke? You milk it for all it's worth. Flushed with the success of using a swear word to get cheap fucking laughs, he keeps going. First, he soaks in the 0.6 seconds of laughs. Then, he attacks.

He throws in some kind of lame set-up that I forget, then does a bit of sign language for ten seconds to stunned silence, then says a joke so funny, so well-timed, so poignant, that it left us all gobsmacked. He finishes his sign language then says.....

'I just mimed FUCK OFFFF!!!'.


ComedianwhosenameIforget, I take my hat off to you, sir.

What's the deal with airline peanuts -
if you can't open the pack, why don't you fucckkk offff?!

Thursday, September 21

Guest Blog: Skelton's Tips On Buying Shit

It's GUEST BLOG time, because I'm far too busy to update the blog, what with the coup in Thailand. Here goes...

Greetings ladies and gentlemen!

Firstly, I'm pretty much known as Skelton. I happen to be an old high school budddy of Tommy's. We used to laugh, and play, and talk about girls with long-hair - like Ale...

You know, it is seriously hard to write one of these without just going bananas with scathing personal jokes and attacks. I have no idea how Tommy only does it 83% of the time.

Anyway, rather than get all nostalgic and full of regret (even though we totally should have taken alcohol to Business Studies) let's get on with some sort of Guest Blog type thing.

This was supposed to be a rant - because that's the kind of originality you can expect from someone without anything to say actually worth publishing, but then I realised there probably isn't much to talk about with automobile air fresheners these days after the initial "Why the in the french-fried-Fillet-O-F*** can I not buy a plain old vanilla air freshener instead of having to take a gamble on 'Obsession' or 'Fashion - inspired by CK' ???

Honestly, these things could smell like Toilet Duck that's past it's prime, and you would be none the wiser 'til you bought the damn thing, and your panel van STILL smells like underage sex and marijuana.

Ambi-Pur 'Elegance', to cover up your steamy dumps

So screw that. That's pretty much as far as you can go with air freshener observational humour without making a poo joke... which might happen if this was my mildly amusing debut on the stand-up comedy scene: "Thank God he has a real job," the cosmos sighs.

Nah, I figured I would educate! Give the slobbering masses something to stimulate a bit of brain activity. Perhaps some useful advice for all the people who read Tommy's blog.

Hope you both read this.

Your Parents May Not Have Taught You Everything

You're probably thinking, "Skelton? Sod orf. I AM already familiar with reproduction. My parents told me about this. I didn't learn it in the playground like the Catholic kids had to. I had the 'sex, pregnancy, 'why theres too much paperwork to adopt', erectile dysfunction, and IVF' talk when I was 6! What could you possibly teach me now, without hand-puppets and a soggy rolled-up newspaper?"

Well, you inquisitive little munchikin, I'm glad you asked and only slightly dismayed at the way you asked it: There are things you can take advantage of in this world!

Now I'm not talking about coupons for free meals at Black Stump, unlimited large pizzas for $5.95, or even elderly relatives with dementia.

I'm talking about simple things.

Face it, we live in a materialistic culture; full of capitalism, democracy, positive affirmation, human rights, and all sorts of other buzz words that can make me sound like a uni student who gives a shit and actually thinks that BOTH people care about my opinion AND I can make a difference.


Wake up and smell the reality hanging limply on a fence in Redfern (Tommy, you can edit this bit out if you think it's a bit too topical and offensive to all the Aboriginals who can rea... hehehe nevermind).

But it's true - materialism -> consumerism. Our culture is one of pursuit of the almighty dollar, and whilst you already know this... and also know it isn't entirely altruistic, you will pursue economic gain.

Which isn't entirely wrong, so much as vital in this country. You do need money to live and enjoy a less than crappy quality of life.

Your parents, in trying to help you along in this, encouraged you to get good marks in your HSC, and go to university - knowing full well you're really good at the drums, and if you could just practice a bit more you could really make it!

They figure you'll get a "good job" and then they can look at your life, and a framed certificate on the wall and convince themselves that it was ok they didn't spend enough time with you when you were a kid because you turned out OK, and certainly don't have wet dreams about burning the house down while your family sleeps and waking with silent screams in an agony of lonely nothingness.

Or so I hear...

Regardless, while your grand-dad may never have told you all those cool stories from WWII, he probably did tell you "if you're not using it, leave it alone" and "a penny saved is a penny earned".

We'll find the 2nd piece of advice more applicable these days (although that sure was an awkward day at kindy): and there are a few simple rules you can follow to save yourself some cash [without voting Liberal again. Hah! ... I got your political commentary riiiight heeere].

In the interest of balance, Liberal Party Senator Amanda Vanstone likes cheeseburgers

1) Ask for a discount.
It's a simple fact - if you don't ask, you won't get. It doesn't matter what you're buying, the more you are buying of something the more likely you are to get a discount. If a shop assistant likes you enough, they may swipe their employee discount card for you. Obviously not Bunnings or Go-Lo employees though, you're appealing to someones friendliness and good nature - not their empty soul. If it's a smaller business, the server may be the owner or a relative and be happy to give a discount in the interest of return business. It's more applicable to higher cost items: TV's, stereos, etc.

What's that?

... petrol?

Hahahahaha suck a fat one /OPEC.

But seriously, whenever you're buying something... "Can you do any better on the price for me?" will get you something pretty easy half the time. If you're nervous about it, ask once and then accept whatever they offer you.

2) Shop around.
No I don't mean play Bing Lee against JB HiFi in a vicious blood fued until you price match -10% your way to Enter The Dragon on DVD for $7.88 (I still maintain it was worth the 20 mins it took).

I can't believe Bruce Lee ripped off that Mars Bar ad

If your dentist tells you you need $5000 worth of crowns and fillings - go get a 2nd opinion.

If your car is going to need a new gearbox, ring some other places - ask how much they cost, and then get your mechanic to match a lower price.

A quote from someone who knows more about something than you, doesn't mean you can't find someone who knows just as much as they do to screw up their rip-off scheme.

3) Choose the time to buy.
Certain times of year will afford you more leverage to get a deal than other times. Sometimes it can even depend on the weather. For example, no-one shops for cars on rainy-days. If you are on the lot, the salespeople there know you are probably the only customer they are going to see that day. If they can sell you a car they will - even if they have to do some special pricing to do it. If it also happens to be the end of the month, when sales performances in organisations are reviewed and totals tallied - you are even MORE likely to get a desperate salesman who will do you a good deal.

Another example is just to wait for the new model to come out, then buy the previous model - places will be anxious to move older, devalued stock and that helps you out!

4) Smile at people.
Simply being friendly can get you an unasked for discount, a better model for the same price, good and honest advice about a product, or some chick's phone number.

5) Find a friend in the business.
No matter what you think reading books ever did for you, it is totally all about WHO you know, not WHAT you know.

Make friends with an ethnic person who has a large family and you'll pretty much have half a 'network' right there.

Another benefit of making friends with ethnic people

That's pretty much it. Fairly basic financial advice. It all comes down to asking a question or two. I don't have any hot tips on investments... aside from scratchies. The return potential on those puppies is awesome!

Happy spending, you empowered little consumer whores.

Best Regards, Love & Happiness, No Communicable STDs,


Wednesday, September 20

Video Post IV

It's Wednesday September 20th, and you know what that means!!!!


You don't?


I never should have blogmarried you :(

This first video has been making the rounds. It's called Fat Kid On Ride, and is quite easily one of the funniest videos in the fathistory of fatcomedy. Watch at the moment he begins slipping from the ride constraints, and his face goes all Slimer from Ghostbusters.

Our second video is of a fat child on a Slip'N'Slide. Fat hilarity ensues.

According to the description on the next clip, it shows-

Cromo a correr e a embater no sinal de Stop... Está de mais ;)

Which I believe is Mexican for 'A not-fat kid runs into a Stop Sign'.

This guy got to make a mould of former WWE Diva Stacy Kiebler's ass. I hope he gets fat.

My obligatory news blooper click. Flaming gay weatherman gets attacked by a cockroach. Then, his masculinity gets attacked by how he reacts. Then, his boyfriend dumps him.

Backyard wrestling kid jumps onto cardboard box and hammers himself.

A professional wrestler jumps onto the ropes and hammers himself. His name is Hayabusa, which is Japanese for 'broken collar-bone'.

Japanese people get scared.

Dudes arm-wrestle. Dude gets his arm-broken. Lesson - don't arm wrestle a spic.

Hmm, I kinda forgot about that whole fat-theme I had going for the first few. To make up for it, here's a picture of a fat person.

Monday, September 18

JFK: Poo-A-Lot

So I'm reading this biography right. And I'm expecting a nice, straight-forward story of a truly inspirational man. I was hoping for some funny anecdotes, witty quotes and impassioned speeches. Instead, the first three chapters are pretty much dedicated to his cock and ass.


I'm not going to tell you who it is until the end of the blog, though I imagine the picture I'll put at the end might give it away, but read the quotes and see if you can guess who it is.

Yes, I'm ripping off Sale Of The Century, cause it's time for WHO AM I?

I was born in 1917 in Brookline, Massachusetts, and I said the following....

"Still can't get used to to the coeds but am taking them in my stride. Expect to cut one of the herd and brand her shortly, but am taking it very slow as do not want to be known as the beast of the East."

One of his favourite sayings, one male friend said, was "wham, bam, thank you ma'am".

He worried that one of his weekend outings might mean "a bundle from heaven. Please keep this under your skin and I wish now I'd kept mine under my skin if you know what I mean."

"I can now get my tail as often and as free as I want which is a step in the right direction."

"All I can say is it's bully to them or more power to my smelly farts."

"I'll be dipped in shit... my bowels have utterly ceased to be of service so the only way I'm going to unload is for them to blow me out from the top down or from the bottom up."

"I've had 18 enemas in 3 days!!!"

"I've got something wrong with my intestines. In other words, I shit blood."

"B.D came to see me today in the hospital and I laid her in the bath-tub."

"The next time I take her out she is going to be presented with a great hunk of raw beef, if you know what I mean."

He complained that his rectum was "plenty red after the hospital. Yours would be red too if you had shoved every thing from rubber tubes to iron pipes up it."

"When I crap I don't even feel it because it's so big."

"I look as bad as I could look, wheezed badly, peed on his [the doctor's] hand when he checked me for a rupture to show I had no control..."

"They (a blonde) took my pants down!! Then they tipped the chair over. Then surrounded by nurses the doctor stuck his finger up my ass. He wiggled it suggestively and I rolled them in the aisles by saying 'you have a good motion'. He then withdrew his finger and then, the schmuck, stuck an iron tube 12 inches long and 1 inch in diameter up my ass. They had a flashlight in it and they looked around."

"I was certainly feeling great as I know you would having a lot of strangers looking up my asshole."

Picked it yet? Maybe this one might help...

"Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."

Yes, the man who averted nuclear war, who inspired a generation of people, who revolutionised a country and whose death created the century's largest outpouring of shock and grief , President John F. Kennedy.

Life sure is fair.

'Alright John, I'll bless you with natural charisma, the finest mind of your generation and the ability to lead a global superpower, but you're going to have a lot of things shoved up your ass and get your brains blown out when you're 46.

Love, God.

P.S - you also get to bang Marilyn Monroe.'

Anyway, I just thought that was interesting. I also don't think people really needed to know how many times JFK had his anus inspected, but apparently his biographer begged to differ, and I had to read it, so I think it's only fair that you read it too. Let's call it a bonding experience.

"I've had 18 enemas in 3 days!!!"

Sunday, September 17

A Blog blog

I mentioned it in a comment, but my blog now has these fancy label thingies. Basically, I put labels on every post, and then if you click on the label, you get aaallllll the posts marked the same.

For example, if I post about Wil Anderson, I'd put a 'Wil Anderson Is A Cock' label. If you click that, you'd get every Wil Anderson post I've made in the 1-year+ history of ze blog. It's neat if you want to look back and see old guest blogs, or read posts from when I was funny for that brief period in August 2005.

I'll link you to some of the labels so you can play around.

Emo Watch
Politics (this one's pretty big lolthatswhatshesaid)
Guest Blogs

Wil Anderson Is A Cock

The blog also now has a RSS feed, which is kinda useless but cool if you're into that stuff. If you use Firefox you can just click the orange button in the link bar and it will bookmark the feed so you can get LIVE UPDATES eventhoughionlyupdatetheblogafewtimesaweekanditsprettyuselessifyouaskmeandholyshiti'moverthissideofthepagenow

Friday, September 15

EMO Watch: Fatality 666

I was going to post about ThatBitch Naomi Robson getting detained in Indonesia for trying to save a Papuan kid from a tribe of cannibals, and how it's funny that Today Tonight has never cared about the hundreds of dead in Papua until they start eating cute kids, but eh. Instead, I will do what she does whenever they run a story about someone doing something stupid.

Hmm..... Disturbing stuff there....

/me shake head slowly, then cut to feature story about gooks

For today's blog is kicking it old school with a bit of EMO WATCH action. Kinda. A few days ago, a guy named Kimveer Gill opened fire at a college in Montreal, wounding 19 people and killing one woman. Kimveer wasn't an emo, but he was a goth, and goths were like emos five years ago, so it counts. In fact, a goth killing people in 2006 means that emos could start opening fire sometime around 2011, so we should know our enemy.

Of course, it wouldn't be an Emo Watch without bagging out someone's MySpace/Blog, so let's check out Kimveer, aka fatality666, and his little home on the internet.



Because of the pantload of hits the site received after one of their members went on a blood drive, VampireFreaks closed his profile to the public. Luckily, Google still has it. Let's take a look.

Based on The Crow wallpaper, the Cradle of Filth music video, and the cavalcade of horror movie pictures, I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say the '666' in 'fatality666' doesn't stand for the Satanic number, but for the amount of cliches he's managed to cram into one page.

His image gallery is the first thing on the page. Along with the photos of him modelling an assault rifle and a Rambo knife, he's also adding to his cavalcade of cliches by owning a Scarface poster. Woah dude, you're like, totally unique. You can't like, buy that poster for $6 at every single university poster sale since the invention of glossy paper.

Hey dude, pro wrestling doesn't get enough bad press as it is, so why don't you take photos of yourself wearing a replica mask of WWE Superstar Kane and put them on the internet before you massacre a few dozen people with a fucking rifle. That's just not cool, man. I should fake-kick your ass.

And while we're on wrestling, he did a 'What WWE Superstar Are You?' quiz, and he managed to get The Undertaker. What a coincidence. I wonder how many times he had to re-do that quiz to get 'Taker. Ten bucks he kept getting Johnny Nitro or Funaki the first twenty times he tried it.


The quiz' don't stop there. According to the results, his Mystical Land Of Birth is The Land Of Darkness, his Angel or Demon is the Angel of Destruction, he's a Satanist, his heart is not only black but 'Made of Soil' and he'll die via Suicide. He got shot by the police, so he couldn't even get the easy one right. And I'm pretty sure the autopsy will reveal his heart is in fact, not made of soil. What a liar.

Maybe they can fix the hole the cop's bullet left in your
heart with some fertilizer, you stupid bitch

The saddest thing about this whole mess is that it could have been avoided, if only somebody had read his lists of favourite things. Check out the red text in the middle of the page. He likes normal things, like Beer, Vodka, Baby Animals and Crushing His Enemies Skulls. He also likes both the Bow and Arrow and the Sawn-Off Shotgun, even though one of those renders the other completely useless. What a fool.

But the truly disturbing thing, the one that should have set alarm bells off on anybody visiting this journal is in his Favourite Movies list.


The media will try to blame the gothic sub-culture, or violent video games, or maybe even the WWE, but we all know the true perpetrator of this tragedy.

Rot in hell, Sandler.

Wednesday, September 13

The Australian Values/Are You A Muslim Test

I apologise in advance for posting about politics twice in two blogs, but there's really nothing else to talk about. Well, except how Anna Nicole-Smith's son died, and how he was twenty, and how I don't want to imagine how his childhood was when if he Googled his last name, he'd find pictures of his mum's cooch.

But Kim Beazley said something the other day that got people talking. About how retarded Kim Beazley is.

Kim wants a pledge to uphold "Australian values" placed on forms signed by tourists and immigrants before they enter the country. Like the box on the American entry form that asks if you've been involved in terrorist or revolutionary activity (seriously), this amazing counter-extremism measure will surely keep us safe. Why... it's a box! And you tick it! If only we'd thought of this on September the 10th, 2001, or before Nickleback tried to tour.

Now, some other people have already talked about how stupid this is, so I went for a different angle. I know some folks over at the Department of Immigration, so I managed to find a prototype 'Australian values' pledge.

It's only a rough draft, but this is what it will look like if they ever introduce it. Take a look. You might have to click it to make it bigger. That's one of the anti-terrorism security measures they put on it.

Tuesday, September 12


For those of you who watch Lost and need a fix before it returns in October (or February if you watch it on Seven), the Lost Experience has been running for the past few months. Basically, it's a bunch of websites, videos and real-life stuff that delves into the geekier, less TV-worthy side of the Lost story. Like what DHARMA stands for, who is on the board of the Hanso Corporation and why Jack is such a little crybaby girl bitch who needs to get smacked by Eko's Jesus Stick.


None of the stuff revealed so far has been that interesting, but they've just released a video explaining the Lost numbers (4,8,15,16,23,42) from Alvar Hanso himself. And no, it's not how much Hurley weighs in kilograms. LOL FATTYBAM!@#

If you don't know who Alvar Hanso is, or you don't even like Lost, please find this video of a fat lady falling down a hole.

Monday, September 11

And they say that a Latham will save us

We Now Resume Regular Average Blogging

Since I've been embroiled in the CageFight for the last week, I've missed a few things. Peter Brock died for one. Famous deaths always come in threes, so with Steve Irwin and Brockie taking the first two spots, I'm sure Molly Meldrum is getting a little nervous.

I also never got a chance to write about how the Government and the Opposition got together in a show of bi-partisan unity, proving that they are actually focused on serving the public rather than petty political squabbles, when they voted last week to...... Give themselves a pay rise.

Well, kinda.

They bumped up the Parliamentary Super-Annuation contribution back to the level it was pre-Latham. Remember that? When Latham got Howard to buckle and cut his mates wages? That was hot. And now it's gone. Gone like Latham. Gone like my dreams.

Gone like Molly Meldrum.

It was the only picture of a politician I had left on my computer

The pollies reckon it's because the more attractive the salary, the better quality politicans we get. After all, as Bob Carr has shown, politicians can get a shitload of cash in the private sector, which they can then spend on fancy houses and mail-order brides (as Bob Carr has also shown). I don't really get that logic.

Call me Chief Crazy Pants, but I'd like to think people go into politics to serve their country. Only getting paid $150k or so, plus super (and a parliamentary pension when you're done) seems like a pretty good deal to me. Though, when you're unemployed, $2 an hour to sponge-bath Casey Donovan sounds like a good deal too.

When you've got petrol, and the footy finals, and Iraq, and interest rates, and Irwin and Brockie, politicians giving themselves a few extra bucks doesn't seem like a big deal. But if we don't make a fuss about it, they'll just keep screwing us over like an Iraqi camel.

For the record, writing a blog for my double-digit readership = making a fuss about it.


I mentioned the footy finals before. I quit my tipping comp because it was shit and full of cocks (I was losing), but I'm a gun at finals tipping. Like, seriously. To prove it, I recorded an audio blog with my tips for last weekend's NRL games. Needless to say, I was 4/4. You're probably thinking to yourself that I just recorded it today, but I couldn't possibly have done that. That's crazy talk. You should stop talking so crazy or I'll just stop talking to you.

You can listen to TOMMY'S NRL FINAL TIPS here.

Sunday, September 10


Ding Ding Ding

Tommy Wins......


I'd like to thank Jesus, and Grods for hosting the CageFight and being an awesome opponent, and everyone who voted for me, and of course, Elisha.

My Award-Winning blogs will resume tomorrow.

Friday, September 8

BlogFight: VOTE!

It's time to VOTE!

Go here, and decide between voting for me and making me happy, or voting for Grods and killing an angel. It's democracy baby! And make sure you state a little reason why, like 'Tommy is a sex machine', or 'He asked me to' or 'I like angels'.

If you've missed the BloggerCageFight, you can read up here and pretend your vote was an educated decision rather than payback for all the times that Tommy has posted funny videos of fat people.

Now that the BloggerCageFight is over, my shit blogs will be back here, where they belong, starting Monday. I'll also be changing some stuff behind-the-scenes with the blog, so if it dies in the arse over the weekend, it's probably because you didn't vote for me.

Wednesday, September 6

BlogFight: Emptiness

With my third affirmative, my part in the Cage Fight is over. Done. Finito. Kaput. Aborted like Billy Corgan's child.

I feel empty

Tuesday, September 5

BlogFight: Two

My second affirmative post is up in the Blogger Cage Fight. The highlight is in the comments, where some poonce uses the word 'blogosphere' and I own him.

I need a job

Monday, September 4

R.I.P Stevo

Steve Irwin died today. I know you're all probably expecting a joke involving the word Crikey, but eh. This is pretty sad stuff, he has a young family and even though he probably set back Australian stereotypes more than Yahoo Serious and Paul Hogan combined, he was a top bloke. Always entertaining, and he did a shitload for Australian wildlife when he wasn't dry-humping it on video.

R.I.P Steve.

Sunday, September 3

BlogFight: The Beginning

The Blogger Cage Fight/Shameless Grab For More Hits has begun. I got voted to be the affirmative 7-2, so I went first, arguing that All Bloggers Are Full Of Shit. Go read, no voting or anything just yet. There's even a Snakes On A Plane reference. And a picture!


Friday, September 1

Tommy Interviews A Worthless Druggo justkidding

So, I was on MSN right. And I was talking to my mate Matt, right (not the one who writes the guest blogs, he's not my mate). And I was like, all like, wow, that's an interesting story. I should like, put that on my blog, cause it's interesting and like, people like things like that.

So, I did. It's about his experience with a little drug called LSD, his trip, and checking out his own package. I was going to format it up and make it all pretty, but I think I like it better as-is.

I'm the one named Tommy.

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:07 PM):
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:07 PM):
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:08 PM):
please, take a seat
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:08 PM):
/me jumps out window
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:08 PM):
/me rub chin while holding pen
if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:08 PM):
a magic wishing tree
like in the book
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:08 PM):
ok, let's talk business
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:09 PM):
last saturday, did you or did you not consume some lucy, in the sky, with diamonds
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:09 PM):
yes i did

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:09 PM):
for my lovely lawful readers, describe how one takes LSD
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:09 PM):
LSD comes in a number of forms
most common is a 'tab'. which is basically a small peice of blotter paper with a drop of LSD
most tabs have pretty pictures or patterns on them
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:10 PM):
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:10 PM):
(please correct spelling and such for final copy)
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:10 PM):
(of course)
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:11 PM):
other forms are liquid, geltine capsule, or something i forget
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:11 PM):
so you used the tab?
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:11 PM):
about .5 cm by .5 cm in size

Harmless primary school stickers.... OR DEADLY DRUG?!

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:11 PM):
and how much did it set you back?
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:12 PM):
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:12 PM):
chump change
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:12 PM):
was indeed
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:12 PM):
so you've got your tab, you're $20 short in your wallet, now what
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:12 PM):
we make the trip (LOL!) down to Barwon Heads, to a mates caravan
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:13 PM):
barwon heads being in fuck-toria for sydney readers
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:13 PM):
arrive at about 6, have some dinner, sit down at 7.00, and place the tab under our tongues
for 30 mins
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:14 PM):
so you just wait for it to absorb, then get rid of the paper?
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:14 PM):
one mate threw it out and the rest of us just swallowed it
might as well get our moneys worth

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:14 PM):
then how long did it take to kick in?
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:15 PM):
around 40 mins or so after we first put it in our mouths
we were watching a christmas episode of family guy
and suddenly all the animations started looking really shit
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:15 PM):
so it was almost like King Of The Hill?
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:15 PM):
like just subtle things about it

The #1 Reason Not To Do LSD

Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:16 PM):
then i noticed on the wall there was an indian pic of ladies with their tits out, and the tits were slowly moving
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:16 PM):
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:16 PM):
actually i think before that we had like laughin attacks
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:17 PM):
laughing so much we were crying
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:17 PM):
well, moving tits are no laughing matter
so you're laughing, family guy is looking shit like anime, and indian womens tits are playing dodgem cars
what happened next?

Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:17 PM):
im not totally sure, but next thing i remember my mate is spewing in the sink
but not your everyday run of the mill spew
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:18 PM):
prob cause he saw an indian womans tits
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:18 PM):
it was like just pure batter from his piece of fish
and then my other mate started cleaning it up with a spatula
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:18 PM):
haha nice
ok, before when we were talking about it, you described the overall feeling like a wave?
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:19 PM):
its hard to explain, but you become aware of your body clock, the circadian rhythms and such
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:20 PM):
you get an appreciation of the whole yin and yang thing

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:20 PM):
that's... pretty deep
but how so, like how do you become aware of your body clock?
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:21 PM):
im not sure, you can sort of just feel it
like time seems to speed up and slow down
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:21 PM):
so you're kind of... seperate from external time
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:21 PM):
like a wave
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:22 PM):
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:22 PM):
i've never been to the ocean :(
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:22 PM):
except the mother fuckers kept asking what the time was
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:22 PM):
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:22 PM):
and im like stfu, just enjoy it
actually time had something to do with my slight freak out

Lol Japs can't even draw a circle properly

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:22 PM):

now you also said that the trip helped you figure out some personal stuff
without getting to far into detail
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:23 PM):
mainly some family and personal issue i didnt understand
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:23 PM):
so it just gave you some clarity
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:23 PM):
some unresolved things - why im feeling the way i am about certain members, etc

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:24 PM):
rightyo, very cool
now back to your freak out
what happened there?
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:24 PM):
it was quite unexpected
ok the freak out
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:25 PM):
well i was holding onto a piss, and someone asked the time which made me worried id been holding on to it for hours
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:25 PM):
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:25 PM):
so i race outside to take a slash, and i suddenly thought id pissed my pants
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:25 PM):
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:26 PM):
and like, i looked at the wall of the caravan and could see my friend inside cleaning it up
then i saw myself walk into the caravan and thats when i really freaked out
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:26 PM):
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:26 PM):
like falling, except in your mind
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:27 PM):
that's insane
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:27 PM):
i thought i was
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:27 PM):
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:27 PM):
but after i went back inside and explained it, i was ok

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:28 PM):
so once you understood you were just tripping then it was sweet
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:28 PM):
its very much a verbal communication drug
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:28 PM):
you didn't perve on yourself did you?
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:28 PM):
i was quite impressed by my crotch
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:29 PM):
(i cant think of anything funny)
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:29 PM):
a small package isn't funny
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:29 PM):

A small package rofl

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:29 PM):

so, anything you'd like to close on
this blog will probably be the entire length of my blog
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:30 PM):
that makes no sense
i'm trippin man
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:30 PM):
on closing id like to say...
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:31 PM):
haha you're shit at closing
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:31 PM):
do it with friends
do it somewhere quiet
do it
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:31 PM):
just do it
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:32 PM):
thats right, just do it
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:32 PM):
thanks for your time, matt
say thanks tommy
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:32 PM):
no worries gareth
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:32 PM):
Fuck, the king is dead. says (8:32 PM):
i mean tommy
thanks tommy
Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (8:38 PM):
wanna cyber?

Making a Video Call to Fuck, the king is dead. ...