Monday, July 30

The God Squad

Now, we all promised not to speak again of The Breakfast Club Incident. Derek Granger is a good friend of this blog, and his off-mic, curse-filled diatribe was merely a blip on the radar of his twenty-year career. We've all moved past it, and now Derek's completed his mandatory community service, so has he.

But some people just can't let it go. Take Pastor Tommy, the host of The God Squad, Baulkham Hills #1 Christian Radio show. Here's a photo of Pastor Tommy, leading at his most recent Youth AWESOME! camp

The only thing cooler than a sideways visor cap is Jesus

Pastor Tommy dedicated his entire show last Tuesday to Granger's accidental blasphemy, firing the first salvo in what will certainly be a long war between the two completely real radio hosts.

Take a listen.

Wednesday, July 25

The Fall Of Howard - The Fall Of Howard

I told you it was coming. John Howard finally fell.

I swear I've watched that about 16 times, and it just keeps getting funnier. I can't wait for the remixes. I just love how he adjusts his suit just before he falls, and then he looks back like he's blaming the stairs for the fact he's a senile old basta-



Did anyone see that? The advisor?

Who is that guy? Those glasses... That hand... I'd know that hand anywhere.


Computer, enhance.

Woops. Computer, close porn.

Computer, enhance.


Oh my.

It's... It's...... Beautiful redemption.

I think I'm going to cry.

Monday, July 23

Dear Mr. President, I am writing this letter to your person to describe a wonderfulment opportunity in the country state of Nigeria

I hate Pink. Not the colour. I don't mind the colour, especially when it's bacon. I'm talkin' the singer. I realise she's a pop artist, so we shouldn't really hold her stuff to a very high standard. And I'm not one of those music elitist dickheads, because, after all, I like Bon Jovi.

And my main problem with her isn't so much the music, it's just that it's completely unescapable. I listen only to Triple M, because Triple J shits me and all the other radio stations are for chicks, and even THEY play her.

Cindy Brady: Coke whore

But her latest single 'Dear Mr. President' is a whole other story. You know those really good political songs? Sunday Bloody Sunday? That WIT DER TANKS AND DERR BOMBS AND DERR BOMBS one by The Cranberries? How you knew they were singing about the IRA but it was ok, because it wasn't blatant and the song was good?

This isn't that. This is to political expression what the 'No More Fat Chicks' T-Shirt is to the anorexia debate. Here are some lyrics....

Dear Mr. President,
were you a lonely boy?
are you a lonely boy?
How can you say, no child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
when you pave the road to hell

'Cell' and 'hell'. 'hind' and 'blind'. 'Boy' and 'boy'. Pink, you are a lyrical genius.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
What kind of father might hate his own daugther if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way, from whiskey and cocaine

Dayymmn, bitch be droppin' bombs. Callback to Bush's druggo days, before he "found Jesus"/"wanted to get elected in America". And rhyming 'say' with 'cocaine', it's brilliant. Because the sounds don't actually rhyme, so it's like you're showing Bush that cocaine is wrong because you're a fucking awful songwriter. Deep.

And my favourite bit...

Let me tell you about hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box

Let me tell you about hard work

Hard work, hard work, you don't know nothing about hard work

Hard work, hard work

I'm sure Pink works very hard trying to not rhyme 'box' with 'work'. I'm sure it takes hours to say 'You know what, I think I might say hard work twice in this line'. I'm not so sure it compares with running the world's greatest superpower.

But don't just take my word on the song. Here's a fan's thoughts, from our old friend

Yes, PunkRockPrincess44, she certainly does have the balls.

Friday, July 20

The Ultimate Showdown Of Ultimaticity

As I love so many television shows, the annual Emmy Awards is always a heart-wrenching experience. How can I choose between 24 and Lost, or Entourage and The Office? Do I pull for Philip Norden or Robert Florio to win Most Outstanding Single-Camera Picture Editing For A Miniseries Or Movie? Why do they do this to me?

because we hate you, tommy

But never has been harder to choose than this year. For Most Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series, I'm faced with a choice.

Perennial favourite Terry O'Quinn, aka John mother fuckin Locke, from LOST, vs Michael Emerson, aka the leader of The Others, Ben Linus, also from LOST, vs Masi Oka, aka Hiro Nakamura, from Heroes.

This is worse than when The Ultimate Warrior fought Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VI. So, to help me decide, and because my focus group polling has shown my readers prefer blogs in bullet points, I'm going to go through the pros and cons of each nominee, in a bit I'm going to call...

The Pros And Cons Of Each Nominee (some jokes by Matt)

  • A very good actor.
  • Eyes so cold they'll be used on Emmy night to cool Lindsay Lohan's vodka.
  • Will explode minds of viewers when it turns out that he was right when he said 'Don't nominate me for an Emmy, it will mean the end of us all' and that the broadcast everyone is watching is actually the 2012 Emmys.
  • Will kidnap cast members of Grey's Anatomy to operate on his spinal tumour.
  • 'Linus'?
  • Acceptance speech will mainly contain evil monologues and death stares.

  • Will probably end up knifing someone, win or lose.
  • You know when he stared down The Monster in Season 1? He wasn't acting.
  • May celebrate his Emmy win by crushing Freddie Prinze Jr. with a plane
  • Father was a con artist, so has many cons.
  • If he loses, might spend another season being an emo bitch.
  • Has the potential to cause a deadly overdose of cool if seated next to Kiefer Sutherland.

  • Ability to bend space and time, can win and lose Emmy simultaneously.
  • First Asian male to be nominated for an Emmy since
  • Will yell YATA!! if he wins.
  • (Asian)
  • Cute bumbling foreigner gimmick will get old by Season 3.
  • His dad is gay irl lolll.

Well, after that I................... still can't choose. Let's just hope Shatner doesn't win.

Wednesday, July 18

Stardust - A Film Preview By Tommy*

Every so often, something comes along that you just know will fail. Celebrity Dog School on Channel Ten... Pirate Master on Channel Ten... Yasmine's Getting Married on Channel Ten.... Daddy Day Care 2, starring Cuba Gooding Jr (Coming soon to Channel Ten).

But never have I been so sure of a movie's inevitable demise and total box office implosion than the upcoming Stardust.

Stardust is about a young inhabitant of a small countryside town, bordering on a magical land, who discovers a shooting star that is actually Claire Danes. That's about it. There's also a big ship, and Michelle Phfifiefier plays an evil witch.

Immediately, you're thinking 'good god no'. But what if I were to tell you that Robert De Niro was in this movie? Would that something you'd be interested in?

What about legendary comedian Ricky Gervais, or legendary drunk Peter O'Toole?

What about god damned Magneto, Ian McKellen?

More importantly, what about the eighteen pounds of cocaine these actor's agents were high on when they signed up to this piece of trash? Fancy a few lines of that?

No, seriously, it's actually Robert De Niro

The film's main character is Tristan, and is played by unknown Charlie Cox. Think of Orlando Bloom, if he was homeless and shit. But don't take my word for it, here's Charlie's IMDb Trivia:

Wow, what a fucking superhero. Unless that sentence is followed by 'to blow movie studio executives', I don't understand. Can anybody get into a De Niro film these days? Can I?


*2 jokes by matt

Monday, July 16

The Fall Of Howard - MySpace Warz

It was inevitable really. Once Kevin Rudd's campaign ad was posted on YouTube, the obvious next step was MySpace. Next - campaign photos on Flickr. After that, policy launches on FaceBook. And then, we come full circle. John Howard naked, on XTube.

And, just like the opinion polls, MySpace has spoken. Kevin Rudd has more friends than John Howard.

....But a quick glance at Mr Rudd's page shortly after 4pm (AEST) today showed he already had more than 570 “friends”, or people who have added him to their list of favoured users, compared to just seven for the Howard government.

Ouch. A few days later, Rudd is up to 5522 friends, and Howard has shot through with...... 8.

Peter Costello was distraught not to be included in John's Top 8

Though, I think that's because K-Rudd is actually letting people be his friends. I'm sure the Howard Government has had lots of people try to add them as friends. It's just they want to determine who comes to their MySpace and the circumstances under which they do. I believe an e-boat full of Afghani MySpacers looking to add Howard as a friend was just stopped by the Royal Australian Navy a few hours ago.

Little Known Fact: People smuggler boats have free wireless broadband

I guess because people are a little chuffed that one of Kevin Rudd's lowly staffers decided to accept their friend invite, K-Rudd Vampire Butters profile is full of glowing compliments towards the Opposition leader. I was expecting lots of Young Liberal stooge spam, but it's mainly people under voting age telling Rudd how good he is.

Though, I thought these messages were a little odd.

Thursday, July 12

I don't want to sound overly partisan, but...


Prime ministerial heir designate Peter Costello has admitted he cries. Not over leadership squabbles, but over the Australian Idol show on television.

When asked if he ever cried, the treasurer divulged that his family loved to watch Australian Idol and the show sometimes moved him to tears.

"Yeah I do actually," Mr Costello said about his tendency to blub.

"I get moved by movies from time to time.

"I get moved by talent shows, you know, things like Australian Idol.

"(I cry) sometimes when the singers get put down and cry.

"My family watches it all the time.

"They watched it all the way through the series and I thought it was a good series."

from Da Herald

Hey, I tear up a little at the end of Band Of Brothers, and I used to get moved to tears by episodes of Supermarket Sweep, but Australian Idol?

The bloke is meant to be the economic genius of our country, and he landed on the waterworks and paid four times his roll when Dicko called Paulini fat?

I'm afraid I have no other recourse other than this.

Tuesday, July 10

The Breakfast Club Incident

Morning, all. I'm here to deliver some undesirable news, and that is that there is trouble afoot in the world of Baulkham Hills breakfast radio.

Regular viewers of Tommy's blog will remember that we have previously mentioned radio superstar Derek Granger:

Seeing as Tommy is such a big fan of Mr Granger Esq. and his profound body of work, we at TommyIsCoolDotCom can bring you exclusive audio of Granger's latest on-air debacle. Enjoy.

Wow. Just wow. And if you don't believe that it happened, you can get proof here! And to think that Peter Dimbrowsky, who is this blog's favourite Baulkham Hills Shire councillor, was about to be subjected to that filth. It's good that he was not involved so he can go on leading that glorious shire into a golden age. One day he'll be mayor. Go Dimbrowsky, go!

Sunday, July 8

I Swear To God

If I don't get Foxtel soon, I'm going to fucking kill myself

Friday, July 6


Continuing this week's theme of 'Things Tommy Doesn't Get, and the blog's general theme of 'Shit Blogs On Fridays', I bring you two things I don't really understand.

#1 - A Fall

So, my new neighbours are a nice old retired couple. Top folks. They have a dog like Vincent from Lost, except it doesn't foreshadow death, which is what you really want in a pet. Anyway, the other day the wife neighbour fell over and broke her arm (OR WAS SHE PUSHED?~@!).

Nothing shocking, what with old people and their weak bones and their love of cage fighting. But it was the way I heard the story that got me confused.

It wasn't 'She fell over and broke her arm.' It was 'She had a fall.' You know, 'A Fall'. The thing only old people get. At what age do you go from the past tense to the really past tense? And why do people kind of...whisper when they say it? I don't get it.

Speaking of domestic violence...

#2 - A Choke

If Benoit made his son tap from the Crippler Crossface, his wrestling finisher, this means one of two things.

a) Chris Benoit has a deep appreciation for irony, which I don't get.


b) Wrestling is real.

I haven't been this confused since I saw Jack Bauer naked in Season 2 of 24.

Wednesday, July 4

Optimus Prime Rides A Girly Bike

So, I saw Transformers last night. Top movie. Explosions, robots and Shia LaBeouf being really Jewish. How can you go wrong?


Well, anyway.. Transformers good. I wasn't particularly hyped for it, for the sole reason that aside from generally liking giant robots fighting other giant robots, I was never really into Transformers as a kid. I preferred M.A.S.K, or Hulk Hogan's Rock'N'Wrestling. I thought about it a little, and I've managed to come up with a list. So here it is...

Tommy's Top 4 Reasons Why He Doesn't Get Transformers

1. Latent hostility to the Japanese

2. I don't buy it.

They live on a robot planet, have a robot war, crash land on Earth and.. transform into cars? Can they only pick one thing? What use does transforming into a Mack Truck or a Volkswagon or a freaking cassette player do on your robot homeworld?


3. The Names

Optimus Prime is a wicked name. So is Starscream. Even Ironhide is pretty cool. But... Bumblebee? Presumably, Bumblebee got named that on his home planet, so... are their many types of bees on you robot homeworld? Let alone enough to warrant an entire genus?

And you, Bonecrusher. Just a question for you - how many robots have bones? Fuckin' retard.

4. Decepticons?

I know they're the bad guys. I know it's a pretty sweet name for bad guys. But how is Megatron going to recruit new members when his faction's name has a synonym for 'betray' in the first few letters?


Oh hey Meggy

You wanna join my team?


What's wrong? Is it Starscream? I know he can be a little handsy...

No, it's not that...

You sure, because I can tell him to stop?

No, it's just the name. I mean... won't you like... deceive me, or something?


But it's in your nam-


I think I might join the Autobots instead.

Fuck you, Bonecrusher.

And so ends the list.

I had a crush on Jazz.

Monday, July 2

Rove vs XZibit, and John Howard vs Australia

Ok, Rove vs XZibit is officially the weirdest celebrity feud ever. This isn't like Rosie vs Trump, or Paris vs Nicole, or Lindsay vs Her Nasal Cavity, it's on a whole new level.

The deal was, XZibit was meant to be on Rove's show last Sunday, but got offended by one of Rove's producers, then stormed off in what I presume was a car pimped out with an in-built plasma screen, fishtank and shower.


I don't know who to side with. On one side - Rove. The Gold Logie stealer. Funny enough, but over-rated. Provides employment to Pete Hellier, Corinne Grant and Dave Hughes. Bad man.

On the other, Xzibit. Host of Pimp My Ride, which isn't as good as My Super Sweet Sixteen. A rapper. Can't spell 'Exhibit'. Is black- American. Bad man.

Hmm.. If only there was some way to decide this...


Speaking of racism, a Galaxy Poll came out today. Aside from having Rudd up 55-45, it also reveals this interesting statistic, r.e Howard's drive to stamp out child sex abuse in indigenous communities:

Some 58 per cent of voters believe Mr Howard is addressing problems in the communities because of the looming election, the exclusive Galaxy opinion survey has found.

Just 25 per cent said Mr Howard launched the intervention because he really cares about the problem.

You know when I'd retire as Prime Minister? When a poll came out that showed only 1/4 of the country believed I was genuine about being anti-pedo.

XZibit for PM.