Friday, August 18

A TommyIsCoolDotCom Investigative Report Into The Side Boob

The side boob is the most elusive of all boobs. Sure, you can get your fill of front-on boob shots pretty much anywhere - the internet, Big Brother Up Late, Bert's Family Feud, Zoo Weekly, primary school swimming carnivals. But the side boob is rare.

Like every part of celebrity anatomy, there is a strict hierarchy. Some boobs are better than others. Ergo, some side boobs are better than others. Visa vie, I don't know what visa vie means, but let's look at pics of Elisha Cuthbert's titties.


This isn't the best example of side boob, but it's Elisha Cuthbert. She has Jack Bauer's DNA running through her veins. She is the essence of hotness. She cannot be topped, but it wouldn't be much of a blog if I didn't at least try.

Fresh from Namibia, here's Angelina Jolie.

I'd like to Tomb her Raider. Or Raid her Tomb, whichever is funnier.

Sadly, that's the only shot of Angelina's side boob I could find, after hours of searching and three keyboard replacements. I guess it was never going to be easy finding shots of just the side of Angelina Jolie's boobs, when she's been topless in more films than Bugs Bunny.

Though, I feel bad about ripping you all off with that tiny, pixellated image, so here's a make-good.

I suggest it was Miss Scarlett with the candlestick in Tommy's dreams

If I could type the sound of an orchestral choir of angels, I would have put it underneath that picture.

So now you're thinking to yourself, you're thinking Tommy, you're thinking mate, you can't fuckin top this. You're saying to yourself christ, fuckin oath, fuckin how can you top Angelina, Elisha and Scarlett. You also swear more when you think. You should probably work on that.

But seriously, how can I top that, I hear you fucking think.

Well, I can't. So, now is the time when I ruin your buzz, when I reveal the side boob that could turn John Wayne into a flaming homo.

I give you... Lindsay Lohan.

My first attempt at the Linsday Lohan section of the report included a Sophie DeLezeo skin transplant joke. So, for the sake of my soul, I palmed it off to everyone's favourite guest blogger - Matt.

Yes, not content with just making woefully bad movies like Herbie sequels (the only thing 'fully loaded' after that movie was the fortuitously placed vomit bag next to my seat), Lindsay has truly upped the ante on us this time.

In recent months, Lindsay has always looked like you killed another pasty, freckly girl and then stretched her skin over a broomstick, gave it a stuck up attitude and made it throw tantrums at L.A. parties, but it was her coked-fuelled anorexia rampage that truly gave her the strung-out, skull-fucked look she had always lusted after like Kelly Clarkson lusts after Burger King.

Imagine, if you will, but I can't think why you would, this mental image of the dope-addicted cock-fiend Lindsay we're now all too familiar with, but wearing a large, grey, unflattering potato sack. Then, look at this.


Isn't it like all your nightmares being realised? Why would you put those things out there? The fact the drugs seemed to have given her the powers of transluscent skin and no fashion sense is bad enough, but this is like the Kate's Playground chick flaunting around her hoof, or Tommy flashing people his pre-pubescent hairless chest which reflects so much white light it's like looking into the corona of a star.

Splinter from the Ninja Turtles is surprised by the paparazzi

You want the best example of a juxtaposition ever? Put Lindsay Lohan and Elisha Cuthbert next to each other. One is every man's wet dream (yes, even the gay ones. The fags would like to kidnap Kim Bauer too, if you know what I'm sayin') and pure sexual fantasy become reality. The other is seedy, dripping, cum-stained, damaged goods slutbag boasting a vaginal entrance so loose she goes to recently cleared forests and uses tree stumps for masturbation. Her only use in this life now is to suicide-bomb herself out of existence and hopefully take out all the similar, tweener, spoiled and over-cashed socialite sluts of her brood.

Elisha, get 'em out. Lindsay, for the love of God, put 'em away and keep 'em there.

Thanks Matt. But I think he was a tad too harsh on the old Lindsay. At least she has side boob.


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Tommy said...


Anonymous said...

cant wait to forward this web address to your sister tommy.

Anonymous said...

maybe she can post an anonymous comment like a little bitch too

Anonymous said...

Yeh I'm wihth ghallarofl Lidsay Lohan has great tits and she only looks pale cos she's in a shadow. look at how her hair changes colour in and out of the shadow.

Mitch said...

gg tommy...back to your brilliant best =D

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Anonymous said...

Who is that last chick?

Tommy said...

nicole richie

Anonymous said...

That is disturbing. Where are her tits?

Anonymous said...

I'd give them all a hit