Friday, March 3

If 24 is my favourite television show ever, LOST would have to be my favourite television show set on an island involving weekly flashbacks and a crazy monster. Along with 24, Lost is the only show on television that consistently reduces me to a disbelieving stereotypical black ghetto chick who yells at the screen. OH NO HE DID-NT! There are more cliffhangers than a Sylvester Stallone marathon, and more twists and turns than a pretzel with spina bifida. Plus, it has more missing, deranged and frumpy French scientists who murder their teammates than any other serial drama on television.

Some of you are already hooked on Lost, some of you are disbelievers, some of you got into Lost late and are only now catching up, some of you are actual castaways on a mysterious island looking for tips (Tip 1: USE THE INTERNET CONNECTION YOU APPARENTLY HAVE). Whichever way you look at it, it's going to be a good idea for you to read..

Tommy AND MATT'S Guide To LOST!!



That's right, I had to bring Matt back after only a month away because I'm low on material. Now he won't stop hanging around my house late at night. I think I've created a monster. This is also because he's ripping up trees and hassling Locke.

We begin with the doomed flight, Oceanic Flight 815. Ripped apart in mid-air by forces unseen, the wreckage crashes to the ground faster than Ansett's money reserves or Kim Beazley's self esteem after catching sight of himself in a mirror. LOST follows 48 of the crash survivors, as they fight to survive on an island filled with more freaky shit than the toilets at a hot dog convention.


Hot dog convention?

The Island also possesses incredible casting skills, managing to ensnare planes full of attractive Americans with ease. It then proceeds to put each of the attractive, American models through trials, tests and completely insane, baffling nonsense which is all scarily relevant to who they are, why they were on the plane, and how much they're getting paid per episode. It also has polar bears!


Accompanying the survivors on the island is The Monster that rips through trees, roars a lot, and generally frightens the shit out of everybody. Although at first we were lead to believe that it was just Hurley stomping around for a midnight snack, we soon discovered that was not the case. We have only seen glimpses of the monster, typically in the form of a thick, smoggy black smoke. This has led some to theorise that the monster is actually a 1981 Toyota Crown.

One day, whilst out in the jungle 'looking for boar' (looking where to hide the boar, if you ask me), Locke and Boone, the two characters on the island with completely unnecessary 'e's at the end of their names, stumbled upon a large hatch in the ground. After trying a multitude of methods to open the hatch, which included smashing it with a trebuchet, crying like a bitch while on top of it and crushing Boone to death with a large sea plane, they finally got some planning help from science-queen, 'The French Chick' Rousseau, who holds the title for most moronic plan ever after offing her entire team and losing her baby, who came up with this awesome idea of simply blowing the fuck out of it with some TNT.

'The French Chick' Rousseau, ruining all the good work Amelie did

This, of course, set in motion the insane Irish guy, who had been living underneath the hatch and was also a big fan of the Mamas and the Papas, who decided to blind everybody with some massive light he found, then hold Kate and Locke hostage. It turned out that this Irish guy was not only better than Jack at running up and down stairs, but had also recently jumped completely off the deep end, sanity-wise. What is he doing down there? How long has he been there? And what the hell sort of name is Desmond anyway? It will force Locke and Jack to join forces to find out, even though we'd all like it better if Locke beat the crap out of Jack and hid his body in a crawlspace.

How about you show us your hatch, Kate?
Shut up, Locke.
HEHEHEHE



THE CASTAWAYS

Jack

Jack, for some idiotic reason, is the main character in Lost. Over the course of Lost's 30 or so episodes, Jack has had about 6000 flashbacks dedicated to commemorating every inane detail of his pitiful existence. They typically end with him crying like the glassy-eyed baby he is. Aside from raising Scott Wolf, Lacey Chabert and Neve Campbell by himself after the death of their parents, Jack is a skilled surgeon and has badass tattoos. He is the 'Man of Science' on Lost, constantly questioning the crazy shit that goes down, yet never once stopping to figure out why he and Kate haven't bumped uglies yet.

When shit goes down on Lost, Jack is there. He's there so often, in fact, that he's one bad experience away from stealing Charlie's guitar and writing songs about breaking up with his girlfriend before changing his name to Jaren and posting pictures of himself pretending to slash his wrists to his mySpace just to get attention from the other survivors.

Kate

We first knew Kate as the nice girl who helped stitch up Jack after the crash. Then, it was revealed she was a fugitive, hiding in the Australian outback from a U.S Marshall. Then, it was revealed she was a bank robber. Then, it was revealed she only robbed the bank and killed three of her criminal cohorts to retrieve a toy plane. Then, it was revealed she received the toy plane from her childhood sweetheart, who died when Kate was escaping the police after visiting her dying mother who was petrified to see her. Then, she went swimming.

Kate is hot.


Locke

I like Locke so much I'm going to write this part without Matt's help at all.

'DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!@'

Ok, fine, you can help. For those of you who don't watch Lost, that's a hilarious reference to Episode 104 - Walkabout. It's truly brilliant. Honestly. If you'd seen the episode, you'd be in stitches right now. Stitches, people.

John Locke used to spend his time slacking off at his box factory, playing war games. Having been led by that Simpsons episode into believing that it would be his gateway to stardom as Krusty the Clown's sidekick, that didn't pan out and Locke was forced to find other methods of sustaining himself, such as selling what was left of his hair. Locke boarded the flight from Sydney after being rejected by some sort of stereotypical Australian pseudo-safari on the grounds he couldn't walk, in what was a flagrant show of disregard for this country's anti-discrimination laws. Of course, this is a show that proports our great nation would deport a man like Sawyer, instead of keeping him here to harness his gruff Southern charm as an alternative energy source.

Upon crashing on the island, Locke not only decided he adored the place that everyone else found terrifying and freaky beyond human comprehension, he further decided that his wheelchair was less useful in ferrying his lazy ass around and more useful for fellow castaways to haul their junk around in, stopped the whole 'cripple' charade and gutted some pigs instead. John Locke became pals with Boone, which would have any philosophy students in the readership guffawing to the limits of their guffaw glands.

Drugging Boone with delusion paste and making him chase his incestuous fantasy sister around the island soon bored Locke, and so he ordered Boone to climb into a precariously placed seaplane in a tree, and if you were surprised by what happened next you will definately enjoy Matthew Reilly's next novel.

In short, Locke is the 'Man of Faith' on the island. That doesn't mean he's some pansy-ass bible basher, he just sometimes talks about the wonder of the Island in between hitting Sayid with shovels, screaming at hatch doors and generally being a violent psycho.

Sawyer

Sawyer is quite the dichotomy - he does the right thing by someone, he stabs them in the back; he is an angry vengeful man, then he's showing you a sensitive side; you love him, then you hate him; you're married with two kids, then he's making you question your heterosexuality; it's a difficult role to play. Sawyer is involved in a love triangle with Kate and Jack, providing a 'Neighbours' sub-text to the show, but in this show there are no pseudo-Downs Syndrome kids nor is there tension in the audience because you keep thinking that Summer chick is really hot then you remember how old she is then you have to go punch myself in the back of my father's van because we talked about this I can't keep doing this or Im going to have to go back to the anger box till I learn better I've been a very bad boy such a bad boy.

Ahem, I digress.

So, Sawyer is so badass he once shot a man for giving him bad chilli shrimp. That's pretty badass. I mean, the story went something like that, I wasn't really paying attention. There was definately chilli shrimp, though.

For all you ladies out there, he also enjoys long walks in the jungle chasing angry boar, playing get-to-know-you drinking games, getting tortured by crazed Iraqis, giving people amusing nicknames and hearing weird fucked up voices warning him he's about to get gored.


Sayid

In this racially charged and politically sensitive time, it wouldn't be responsible and topical television if they didn't include some camel-humping towel-head somewhere in there. hat's right, Sayid's an Iraqi. First they take all the jobs, now they're taking all the survival. Apart from that, Sayid's an okay guy - he helped a terrorist cell to detonate a bomb in Melbourne, he shot himself so that his girlfriend could go fuck a bunch of other Arabs, he shot and tortured a bunch of people when he was working for the Republican Guard, and he stuck bamboo shoots in Sawyer's fingernails before stabbing him in the arm.

The most remarkable thing Sayid has ever done is to convince people that he's the kind of guy who could even possibly think about pointing Iraq out on a map, as to hear the actor who plays Sayid speak is akin to cringing slightly when you hear someone run their nails on a chalkboard.

Except instead of 'run their nails on a chalkboard' it's 'speak with a godawful, screechy Cockney accent' and instead of 'cringe slightly' it's 'blow your brains out all over the fucking wall and then douse your lifeless corpse with a quart of napalm in case some essence of the sound stays with you after death'.

Claire

A visit to a psychic before the flight informed the then-pregnant Claire she was carrying a very 'special' baby, who could only be raised by her. If only she waited for RU-486. Aside from giving birth to a plot device, Claire also possesses one of the worst Australian accents in Lost, which is quite an achievement. Hearing Claire say THAYE TOOK MY BABAYE!@ just once would be enough to make me open the hatch door with my fingernails. If only she was hotter...



Jin / Sun

Hahaha, stupid Asians. And one of them cant even speak English. What a retard.







Charlie aka whiny ass hobbit punk

Lost's less-violent answer to Liam Ghallagher, having only killed one person. A musician in a failed rock band, Charlie landed on the island with a heroin addiction and an awful fringe. Now free of both, Charlie decided he needed another useless crutch, and became Claire's BFF. He could totally be tapping that if he didn't still have a thing for Frodo.

After being kidnapped along with Claire by the 'Others' on the island, Charlie was hung from a tree and left for dead, only to be revived by Jack for some reason. He must have had some spare time. Charlie has absolutely no redeeming characteristics, and will hopefully get eaten by a monster before the end of Season 2.

Shannon

The late Boone's step-sister/lover, Shannon is only on the island for eye candy, so here's her bio:



Hurley

The only cast member larger than the island itself, Hurley typically serves as comic-relief. Before the crash, Hurley won the lottery with numbers he heard a fellow patient repeat (4-8-15-16-23-42) during his time in a mental hospital. Coincidentally, those numbers are also Hurley's weight in kilograms. Hurley's obsession with the numbers is one of the driving forces for possibly the best mystery on the island so far.

He sees them wherever he goes, whether it's etched into the hatch, on netball players' backs or whether it's on the police report filed against him for the time he jumped the counter at a McDonalds and ate 4815162342 Quarter Pounders. Incidentally, that's 1203790585 Full Pounders.

Hurley used to be motivation for musical montages on the show, as he would plant himself on the beach towards the end of an episode and, being unable to get back up under his own power, would listen to his discman as he waited for the tide to carry him back out to sea. The discman gimmick was eventually stopped when Hurley used several of its parts as roughage for a burger he was making. Hurley is fat.


Michael/Walt

We group these two together, because they're father and son.

Don't get offended, it's OK - they're black.

Michael is Lost's resident over-actor, able to turn the most trivial of scenarios (like his son being kidnapped) into a whiny bitch-fest that can turn boom mics into putty. They took MY BOY! They burned MY RAFT! WAAALLLTTT! WAAAALLLTTTT! I USED TO BE A MOVIE STARRR! I WAS IN ROMEO+JULIET! I KNOW BAZZ LURRHMAANNN!

Though, I'd be angry too if my career highlight was being the replacement for the token black guy in the Matrix Sequels after the original demanded too much money. Yes, he's a second-string token black guy. The black guy you get when you can't get the black guy you actually want. You can't get much lower than that.



Oh, nevermind.

Walt is potentially the most important character on Lost. Walt is 'special', and his powers are the reason why he was kidnapped by the 'Others' on the island. He's not special like those kids who work at Baker's Delight, this kid's actually special, not the kind of special where that's just what the parents tell them so that maybe they'll believe it and will make it to 40 without killing themselves.

They want Walt to develop his talents on the island, rather than back home in his black person ghetto, where he'd just waste time stealing televisions and jacking cars. That's why Michael doesn't want Walt hanging out with Ana Lucia, so he doesn't have grandkids too lazy to even be ghetto trash.

And finally...

THE LAWS OF LOST


1. Problems will be left unresolved at their most tense moment just before the ad break/end of episode.

2. The survivors of Flight 815 were left with a brain impairment which makes it perfectly acceptable for them to stare off into the distance for long periods of time, reminiscing about their past and scarily relevant details about themselves and the crash.

3. Communication is not a valued commodity on the Island. Even though they'd all probably be off the Island, sitting around drinking daquaris if they just talked to each other about the INSANE FREAKY SHIT that happens, all characters prefer to keep vital details about the Island's mysteries to themselves, or only share them with people likely to die in plane-falling-of-cliff related accidents.

4. French people speak perfect English.

5. No one on the Island, apart from eleven of the most frequent characters, uses their voices in any fashion. Instead, they prefer to express themselves by well-timed nods to main cast members, milling around in the background while others are giving speeches, or by simply sitting on the beach, looking at the waves.

6. Important stuff only happens to the most interesting, photogenic survivors.

7. On a flight bound for the world's most obese nation, there will only be one fat guy.

8, After things calm down from whatever insane nonsense was surrounding the survivors that day, people will walk around in slow motion and mouth silently to each other whilst laughing long enough to allow a musical montage.

9. Chicks on freaky islands don't grow underarm hair. Also, even though no time has passed between seasons, characters will suddenly be sporting inexplicably fresh and interesting looking hairstyles.

10. All Australians speak like extras in pub scenes from early 1990's ABC period mini-series, complete with horrific pronounciations of the word 'baby'.

11. An unexplainable force on the Island completely suppresses everyone's sex drive, apart from the Southerner and the Has-Been-Rock-Star. They will be the only ones attempting to bed any of the other survivors, but will do so in uncoordinated manners, including childish nicknames, following their target like love-sick puppies or, in Charlie's case, attempting to ply them with heroin while they sleep.

12. The other exceptions to this rule are Iraqis and spoilt white girls, who will fuck like rabbits.

13. The island grants its inhabitants mystical powers, such as Locke's ability to walk, Walt's 'special' skills, almost everyone's ability to spend more than three minutes with Charlie and not want to strangle him, and Jack's ability to never grow more than a 5-day stubble.




So, in conclusion, it seems like everyone on Lost is completely fucked. Here is a spoiler image from the final ever episode of Lost.


12 comments:

Matt said...

That is the best thing we have ever put on your blog. That's just the best thing on your blog ever. Seriously. Quit now. It doesn't get better than that.

Anonymous said...

can't be bothered reading all of it. post something new

Anonymous said...

i thought it would be funny, and maybe even correct, but sadly no...

Anonymous said...

im sure it might have been worth the read but right now my attention cant cope after the 2nd paragraph, o look a car.

Anonymous said...

lost sucks

Anonymous said...

this is less entertaining and more gay than an all male cruise

Salad lover said...

Tommy! (not Matt) Nice work, having never seen LOST I feel like now I really never have to/want to. The joke regarding the pretzel had me inappropriately laugh at a retard coming through the door at work. Thanks alot.

Tommy said...

well matt wrote that one so looks like you should be thanking him

Anonymous said...

yeah, but no. The "We Hate Matt" fanclub is growing every day

Tommy said...

perhaps one day when you grow a set you can write me a guest blog

we could have a competition

and i won't have to post my own stuff

it's win win

Anonymous said...

You are a legend Tommy. My mate bumped into this site by accident just a little while ago. The whole LOST pay out had me laughing so much, but you pushed me over the limit with the The only cast member larger than the island itself, Hurley typically serves as comic-relief. comment...you made me cry with laughter.

Not to mention the countless other funny shit you post.

You are one funny mother fucker

Anonymous said...

BAHAHA

defining sayid as a "camel humping towel head" was the funniest shit EVER!!!!
good work!