Sunday, October 28


The Family First logo looks like a sad dead clown :(

Tuesday, October 23

Election 07: The Master Debators, and who didn't expect me to make a masturbation joke when I blogged about the debate

Just in case you were wondering - no. I'm pretty much only going to be writing about the election for the next few weeks. If you're looking for some hard-hitting pop culture pisstakes, go check Boredomistan or download a Get This! podcast. Or maybe think for yourself for once, loser.

The Debate was on Sunday. I watched intently, mainly to see what the Worm would do. He went well, but I think Kevin Rudd beat him.

(that one took me a few days)

The Debate had three highlights. The first was Kevin Rudd smacking his microphone after his very first hand movement, putting an early end to the contemporary dances moves he normally breaks out when giving speeches.

The second was Ray Martin doing some subtle bitching about the National Press Club's decision to cut Channel Nine's feed after their unauthorised use of democracy - the Worm. While some claim the Worm was biased, and the panel of 80 undecided voters that controlled it were all Kevin-lovin' clones of me, that's just ridiculous.

For proof, look no further than this photo taken of the Worm Panel:

The third and final highlight was the near-biff between the two old bastards over some figures from the OECD. Luckily it didn't go to fisticuffs, because I reckon Howard could take him. I picture him like a less nimble Mr. Myagi.

But all in all, it was an even affair, with both men proving they are worthy candi- HAHAHAHA RUDD WON SUCK SHIT SUCK SHITTTT WOOP CHOO CHOO ALL ABOARD THE FUCK OFF EYEBROWS EXPRESS


Saturday, October 20

Tuesday, October 16

Election 2007: Time's Up, Cockbrain (also Tommy's Guide To Holding An Election Party)

Obviously by 'Cockbrain', I'm referring to John Howard, whose brain is actually made of tiny, floating cocks.

Now that's out of the way, let's talk Election Parties!@ Perhaps the coolest of all parties, second only to Grand Final Parties and Wakes. And I know everyone is as keen as mustard for November 24th, so here is

Tommy's Guide To Holding An Election Party

Step #1 - The Television

The first ingredient you need for an Election Party, keeping in mind I've never held or been to one (An election party I mean. I go to lots of parties. Mainly for children.), is a nice television. You can then choose from a few options.

The ABC has Kerry O'Brien, Antony Green and a set they've re-used since old episodes of The Sullivans, but give you the most comprehensive facts and figures without much BS.

Sky News is like ABC, except their sets are made from painted cardboard and their political reporter is twelve years old.

The grey hair isn't fooling anyone, Speers

Channel Nine is the old standby, with Ray Martin alongside a chick, and Laurie Oakes alongside a bucket of chicken.

And then there's the new entrant - Channel Seven, which has oh fuck it's kochie

have you read my god-damn fucking joke book

Let's move on.

Step #2 - The Food

This one is pretty simple. You want snacky food, and a light dinner. After all, elections go for a while. Once the Tasmania results are in, maybe bring out some Salsa, then move on to your meal-like snacks such as meat pies, chicken fingers and spring rolls.

If inviting a Liberal Party supporter, ensure a steady supply of babies for them to munch on during the proceedings.

An Asian baby isn't ideal, but will do in a bind

Step #3 - Alcohol

Doctors reccomend every hour of watching the ABC be supplemented by at least 8 standard size drinks.

Step #4 - Mid-Election Entertainment

I could and will watch election coverage all day, but not everyone is as pathetic awesome as me. So, you'll need something to do during the boring bits, like the vote tallies and shit. Prepare back-up entertainment, such as old tapes of Question Time, Mad Libs with the Australian Constitution or maybe Soggy Sao. One of them.

I know which one Alexander chooses

(the one where dudes cum onto a Sao)

Step #4 - The Results


Step #5 - The Results

This is where your party can fall apart. If the wrong side wins on the night, it could lead to anger and fisticuffs. Or even punching. So, ensure that lefties sit far enough away from righties so you can intervene, locking a Liberal Party supporter in a full nelson then swinging them so they kick the head of the Green Party supporter, then drop the Labor guy with a Stone Cold Stunner.

While they recuperate, remind them that they're all Australians and that whatever the result, she'll be right.

Oh, and be sure to lay down some plastic sheets on your carpet, just in case Kevin Rudd loses the election from here and Tommy blows his fucking brains out

Thank you for your time, and have a good party.

Wednesday, October 10


No, the blog isn't dead. It's weird though. I become a productive, full-time tax-paying member of society, and then suddenly can't think of anything to blog about. I don't know if that says anything about people who have blogs.

Thanks for the comments encouraging me to return, too. I especially liked the one about how I beat off over the elderly. Without focusing too much on such filth, let's just say there's another reason they keep 91 year old women in storage cupboards at Royal North Shore.

(The first reason is because of the underfunding of hospitals. The second is because I rape elderly women.)

I think when the Election gets called I'll have more stuff to blog about. It's been a long time since some comedy gold came from that side, with strip clubs and John Howard falling over now but distant reminders of how blessed we were a few months ago. What do we have now? Cutting down trees in Tasmania, and according to the Daily Telegraph, Labor members giving free handies to the Bali Bombers on death row.

Not Penny Wong, though. She's a lesbian.

So, with politics more boring than usual, we turn to my other hobby - Jack Bauer. Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for driving under the influence (of awesome), and is being sentenced in December, threatening the production of Season 7 of 24: Tony Strikes Back. Now, there are two explanations for this:

1. Kiefer is planning on going undercover in an L.A prison in order to extract information from an informant.

2. The Los Angeles police department want me to kill myself, because I'll fuckin do it if Jack disappears halfway through Season 7 and they replace him with this guy:

Looks like the terrorist...... just got terrified.



Actually... No. No Tommy. Caruso would be much worse.

Anyway, that's what you've all waited a few weeks for. Sorry. I might put a teaser for my next blog, to force me to write one. Here goes:

Next on Tommy's Blog: Tommy's Guide To Holding Your Own Election Party

Later on Tommy's Blog: How Come Nobody Is Coming To My Election Party

Even Later on Tommy's Blog: What Am I Going To Do With All These Chips :(