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Due to the Howard Government's new Industrial Relations reforms, I am obligated by law to post Matt 'Shootz' Sampson's latest guest blog. I am, however, not obligated to film a shitty commercial where I go 'but I've been here for fifteen years?!', though I would like to and think I could really nail the role.

It's about Home and Away, there's your god damn set-up.

Closer Each Day... TO STRANGLING MYSELF
a guest blog by Shootz

Well, once again it appears I have been suckered into writing for this entertainment vacuum, pulled off the bench like Willie Mason in today’s surging victory again the bro’s from the east, the New Zealand Warriors. I’d call them chokers, but you have to actually achieve some success to choke.

Regardless, the irony is inherent, like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a free ride on a plane that’s going to win the lottery, when today I choose to write about a vapid, poor excuse for entertainment, on a website that is also a vapid, poor excuse for entertainment. I speak, of course, of the one and only ‘Home and Away’, and their fantastic and not at all eye-gougingly-bad website, http://homeandaway.com.au/.

Now, let it first be said that I did not go there entirely of my own free will, nor did I go there seeking information about the show in any way. I went there to find pictures of the apparently amazing Isabel Lucas but that’s a task that can only hold one’s interest for several seconds after a picture like this turns up in her Google Image Search. However, once I was there, I was transfixed with the idiocy that penetrates this site like Tommy wants to penetrate Ryan Cross’ eyeball.

Wow, I can't wait to play it with all my friends OH WAIT I DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING FRIENDS BECAUSE I WATCH FUCKING HOME AND AWAY

I shall now list excerpts from the site for our mutual amusement, the first coming from Isabel Lucas’ own bio:

‘Isabel and her family moved from Melbourne to live in Switzerland for a year (her mother is Swiss and she can speak Swiss) when she was 6 years old.’

OK.. OK.. so she can speak Swiss. That surprises me, seeing as there’s no such fucking language as Swiss, but it’s OK that she lied about that bit on her application as she obviously told them she could act as well, and it’s becoming more obvious that that’s horse shit too. Honestly, what sort of brain-impaired mutant-simpleton is writing this stuff? Possibly some of the show’s cast members? But the excitement continues:

‘'We found out when Home and Away rang mum on her mobile when she was driving. Mum pulled over and I then got on the phone. I was so excited and we had a big family dinner that night to celebrate,' she says.’

OH MY GOD LIKE TOTALLY NO WAY THAT’S SO AWESOME OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I THINK IM HAVING MY PERIOD. Jesus Christ, girl, wake the fuck up to yourself. You had a big family dinner? What the fuck are you, eleven? That’s the best story you can come up with? When people start to realise the human void you are, you’d better damn sure hope you’ve made enough cash to tide you over for the next thirty years because when the looks fade, the lack of talent shines through and you start being able to tie your breasts around your knees, you’d better have some superannuation stored or you’re going to go back to your old job, turning tricks with unwashed service station clerks named Abblabab.

Oh, the good old days, when it had that blonde kid in it. I hope he's fucking dead now.

Now, honestly, if you’ve been stupid enough to actually go through this site despite my advice to the contrary (stay here with me, where it’s safe and warm and I have plenty of date rape drugs), you may have noticed there are other sections than the ‘Isabel Lucas is a fucking moron’ section. But, answer me this, why is there a 'Sally's Diary' section? I know she’s been there the longest because she’s been cluey enough to realise that she will never, ever get another acting job anywhere else, but what the fuck could she possibly have to offer? ‘Dear Diary, Tonight some random guy picked me up in a bar and taped us having sex then put it on the Internet’. Or, ‘Dear Diary, My boyfriend keeps trying to hug me and misses.’ THAT’S BECAUSE CHRIS WALKER CAN’T FUCKING TACKLE, YOU WHORE.

Also, in the oh-so-informative bios, they seem to have left out some crucial information. See if you can guess where I’ve added it in...

- Summer Bay's well-known educational institution is where you can find out more about scary principal Hyde and his son Kim, as well as school bully Dalby, and is also where no one seems to fucking attend class, they all just bitch about each other at their lockers.

- The Caravan Park is run by the Sutherland and Hunter families. Beth, Robbie, Henry, Matilda and Max are here. They're all inbred sons of bitches, and the place has been going downhill ever since Pippa's nineteenth husband died in another of the fucking car crashes that seems to plague the disaster-ridden highway from Summer Bay to Yabbie Creek.

- Irene is your classic Aussie battler. Down to earth and with a wry sense of humour, she's always good for a yarn and a laugh. These two sentences have taken up this site's allowance of Australian slang terms, so don't expect to see the phrases 'dinki di', 'streuth' or even Alf's 'flamin' mongrel' anywhere else. Young or old, Irene's door is always open. And by all accounts, she's about as wide as a wizard's sleeve because of it.

- Eric Dalby is a bully and a troublemaker - and a clever one at that. This good-looking teen seems to have no respect for authority, or for the feelings of his victims. He's a badboy rebel who plays by his own rules, but he has more modelling contracts than brain cells, and was only hired because someone on the casting staff is menopausal and insane and thought she could bed him. Unfortunately he's far more interested in sleeping with the guy who plays 'Kim', because that way he can tell his gym buddies that yes, he slept with Kim last night, and as long as he steers clear of specific pronouns, he can still retain his 'cred', get 'mad props' and 'get all up in this hizzouse, bizznatches'.

In conclusion, watch Neighbours. Then you get hot ethnic chick, Bessie Bardot Wannabe and also dangerously underage chick. I’m going to jail now, aren’t I?