Thursday, December 27

The End

As some of you didn't seem to get the poignant subtlety of the last post, I'm done with the blog thing. Thanks craploads for reading and commenting and e-mailing and stalking. I'm pretty proud of the two+ years of content I posted, and it wouldn't have been nearly as fun without you, my double digit readers. I look back fondly at the times we shared, like the 100+ comment flame wars about terrorism and religion, and that time we both went for the same muffin and our hands touched and it was like nobody else existed except for us

Let me also apologise for the crappiness of the early audio blogs. Not the Latham ones though. They were awesome.), a

Props also to all the guest bloggers over the years, particularly Matt and REDACTED. A special mention to guest blogger Richie for his I Love Cats blog, which is still probably the greatest thing on the internet.

As for why I stopped, well for one thing - bitching about John Howard was about 50% of my gimmick. Having a full-time job also put a spanner in the works, as I don't think I could stop myself from bitching about that fat chick at work and then I'd just get fired. And yeah, two years of three posts a week (rounded up) was stretching it. I literally ran out of things I had an opinion on.

So thanks again, and.... well.. I promised myself I wouldn't cry :(




Sunday, November 25

Saturday, November 24

Election 2007 - D-Day - The 'D' stands for 'Dork'

I don't really care who you vote for today, as long as it's not this guy:

His name is Pastor Paul Green, he is the Senate candidate for the Christian Democratic Party, and from the looks of that photo he enjoys bow-ties, weird stubble and pedo smiles. He's also known for calling for a 'War' on Islam, and is passionate about important issues facing the nation, such as the cancellation of Carols by Candlelight services.

At the risk of posting two blatantly defamatory blogs in a row, I won't say he also likes luring children to the bow-tie cave located inside his giant forehead. I absolutely will not say that.

As for tonight, well... Go Mark Kevin.

Tuesday, November 20

Matthew Reilly: 100% Straight

Regular readers should know my position on best-selling Australian author Matthew Reilly - lying on his back in a small ditch slowly filling with dirt and shredded copies of Ice Station.

And they should also know that I don't like him. And neither does the Sydney Morning Herald's photo editor or caption writer, judging by this:

Matthew is smirking because he is thinking in itallics

(At this point, Tommy resisted from drawing a cartoon penis on Matthew's face, because the last blog was too literal)

And come on, Reilly. Did your mum buy that shirt for you? 'Super Hero'? The little black and grey patches? Red after Labor Day? What were you thinking?

And who holds their jeans when they pose for photos? And the brick wall? Is this a publicity shot or an album cover?

And the quotes in the article. Good lord.

"In Seven Ancient Wonders, Jack West and his team break someone out of Guantanamo Bay. I'm not going to preach to people and say, 'Guantanamo Bay, bad', but I will have my hero go and break somebody out of it and maybe people will think about it that way."

Wow Matt, that's so deep. Who needs an in-depth critique of the execution of the war on terror, or even a complex moral argument about the justification of torture in order to prevent civilian deaths when we've got your crayon written shit.

'Well, I wanted to let the audience make up their own mind about abortion, but I will have my hero prevent the spread of a biological virus by terminating fetuses with a clothes hanger and a length of rope,' Reilly added, curling his poofy fringe.

Now, I don't want to risk getting sued by his publicist, but let's just say Ratthew Meilly sounds an awful lot like the name of the prominent Australian author who is a giant wanker. Thank you.

Tuesday, November 13

Election 2007 - Rejected Attack Ads

I used to be in demand from all the major political parties, thanks in part to my biting insults and wicked photoshop skills. Well, Family First never showed much of an interest, but that's because I haven't sent enough naked pictures of myself around the internet. Apparently 5 isn't trying hard enough. Hard enough.

There was a time when I was cranking out a dozen or so attack ads every election season. Remember 'L-Plate Latham'? That was me. Calling John Howard a rodent? Me. The short-lived 'Costello is a Pedo' rhyming jingle? Me. All me.

But this election... well... I don't really seem to be getting much work. Sure, there's my royalty payments for the Gillard beaver shots, but the cupboard is a little bare. (So was hers, if you don't mind me saying). And I don't understand why, because I think my ideas this year are just as good as elections past. Check out some of these babies...

This first one was made for a Liberal 'dog whistle' campaign, but it didn't seem to go down well in the test electorate. In my defense, putting it up in Cabramatta was ill-advised.

They say the best ads don't promote something new, they just reinforce previously established beliefs. So, I went in that direction for this Labor Party ad.

The environment is a hot button issue, and it's always good to use newspaper headlines to back up your point:

And this last one... Well........ Probably a little too high brow.

And in retrospect, the T-Shirts were probably a bad idea too.

Oh well, I can always get a job with the Democrats.

Tuesday, November 6

Election 2007: Poll Dancing

Now the Election is drawing nearer, we seem to be getting more polls than Lara Bingle at the Allan Border Medals. You've got Newspoll, Morgan, Nielsen, Galaxy, national polls and electorate polls, face-to-face and telephone polls. There's so many polls here, Germany keeps trying to invade us.

And right there is the third poll joke in three sentences, if you included the topic which is not only a delightful pun but also a callback to Kevin Rudd liking strippers.

(My writers are on strike)

But the thing you need to know about polls is that they're really, really expensive. And the newspapers that pay for them are going to milk these polls for all their worth eww are going to make sure they get their money's worth.

So, no matter what the poll actually says, they're going to BS their way to a front-page story with a nice narrative. When Labor's lead increases from 55-45 to 56-44, a one point shift well inside the margin of error (about 3%), we get 'HOWARD'S TITANIC HEADS FOR ICEBERG OF KEVIN'.

When it happens in reverse, and the Libs close the gap from 54-46 Labor to 53-46, we get 'HOWARD'S MAN OF STEEL COMEBACK: SHOULD KEVIN RESIGN?'.

Just wait for this week. Labor's at 53 in the latest Newspoll, and if they go back to their normal level of 54 or 55 next week, it will be 'RATE RISE BACKLASH - HOWARD IS FUCKED AND OLD'.

In other words, don't trust the newspapers.

Trust me.

Vote Kevin.

Sunday, October 28


The Family First logo looks like a sad dead clown :(

Tuesday, October 23

Election 07: The Master Debators, and who didn't expect me to make a masturbation joke when I blogged about the debate

Just in case you were wondering - no. I'm pretty much only going to be writing about the election for the next few weeks. If you're looking for some hard-hitting pop culture pisstakes, go check Boredomistan or download a Get This! podcast. Or maybe think for yourself for once, loser.

The Debate was on Sunday. I watched intently, mainly to see what the Worm would do. He went well, but I think Kevin Rudd beat him.

(that one took me a few days)

The Debate had three highlights. The first was Kevin Rudd smacking his microphone after his very first hand movement, putting an early end to the contemporary dances moves he normally breaks out when giving speeches.

The second was Ray Martin doing some subtle bitching about the National Press Club's decision to cut Channel Nine's feed after their unauthorised use of democracy - the Worm. While some claim the Worm was biased, and the panel of 80 undecided voters that controlled it were all Kevin-lovin' clones of me, that's just ridiculous.

For proof, look no further than this photo taken of the Worm Panel:

The third and final highlight was the near-biff between the two old bastards over some figures from the OECD. Luckily it didn't go to fisticuffs, because I reckon Howard could take him. I picture him like a less nimble Mr. Myagi.

But all in all, it was an even affair, with both men proving they are worthy candi- HAHAHAHA RUDD WON SUCK SHIT SUCK SHITTTT WOOP CHOO CHOO ALL ABOARD THE FUCK OFF EYEBROWS EXPRESS


Saturday, October 20

Tuesday, October 16

Election 2007: Time's Up, Cockbrain (also Tommy's Guide To Holding An Election Party)

Obviously by 'Cockbrain', I'm referring to John Howard, whose brain is actually made of tiny, floating cocks.

Now that's out of the way, let's talk Election Parties!@ Perhaps the coolest of all parties, second only to Grand Final Parties and Wakes. And I know everyone is as keen as mustard for November 24th, so here is

Tommy's Guide To Holding An Election Party

Step #1 - The Television

The first ingredient you need for an Election Party, keeping in mind I've never held or been to one (An election party I mean. I go to lots of parties. Mainly for children.), is a nice television. You can then choose from a few options.

The ABC has Kerry O'Brien, Antony Green and a set they've re-used since old episodes of The Sullivans, but give you the most comprehensive facts and figures without much BS.

Sky News is like ABC, except their sets are made from painted cardboard and their political reporter is twelve years old.

The grey hair isn't fooling anyone, Speers

Channel Nine is the old standby, with Ray Martin alongside a chick, and Laurie Oakes alongside a bucket of chicken.

And then there's the new entrant - Channel Seven, which has oh fuck it's kochie

have you read my god-damn fucking joke book

Let's move on.

Step #2 - The Food

This one is pretty simple. You want snacky food, and a light dinner. After all, elections go for a while. Once the Tasmania results are in, maybe bring out some Salsa, then move on to your meal-like snacks such as meat pies, chicken fingers and spring rolls.

If inviting a Liberal Party supporter, ensure a steady supply of babies for them to munch on during the proceedings.

An Asian baby isn't ideal, but will do in a bind

Step #3 - Alcohol

Doctors reccomend every hour of watching the ABC be supplemented by at least 8 standard size drinks.

Step #4 - Mid-Election Entertainment

I could and will watch election coverage all day, but not everyone is as pathetic awesome as me. So, you'll need something to do during the boring bits, like the vote tallies and shit. Prepare back-up entertainment, such as old tapes of Question Time, Mad Libs with the Australian Constitution or maybe Soggy Sao. One of them.

I know which one Alexander chooses

(the one where dudes cum onto a Sao)

Step #4 - The Results


Step #5 - The Results

This is where your party can fall apart. If the wrong side wins on the night, it could lead to anger and fisticuffs. Or even punching. So, ensure that lefties sit far enough away from righties so you can intervene, locking a Liberal Party supporter in a full nelson then swinging them so they kick the head of the Green Party supporter, then drop the Labor guy with a Stone Cold Stunner.

While they recuperate, remind them that they're all Australians and that whatever the result, she'll be right.

Oh, and be sure to lay down some plastic sheets on your carpet, just in case Kevin Rudd loses the election from here and Tommy blows his fucking brains out

Thank you for your time, and have a good party.

Wednesday, October 10


No, the blog isn't dead. It's weird though. I become a productive, full-time tax-paying member of society, and then suddenly can't think of anything to blog about. I don't know if that says anything about people who have blogs.

Thanks for the comments encouraging me to return, too. I especially liked the one about how I beat off over the elderly. Without focusing too much on such filth, let's just say there's another reason they keep 91 year old women in storage cupboards at Royal North Shore.

(The first reason is because of the underfunding of hospitals. The second is because I rape elderly women.)

I think when the Election gets called I'll have more stuff to blog about. It's been a long time since some comedy gold came from that side, with strip clubs and John Howard falling over now but distant reminders of how blessed we were a few months ago. What do we have now? Cutting down trees in Tasmania, and according to the Daily Telegraph, Labor members giving free handies to the Bali Bombers on death row.

Not Penny Wong, though. She's a lesbian.

So, with politics more boring than usual, we turn to my other hobby - Jack Bauer. Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for driving under the influence (of awesome), and is being sentenced in December, threatening the production of Season 7 of 24: Tony Strikes Back. Now, there are two explanations for this:

1. Kiefer is planning on going undercover in an L.A prison in order to extract information from an informant.

2. The Los Angeles police department want me to kill myself, because I'll fuckin do it if Jack disappears halfway through Season 7 and they replace him with this guy:

Looks like the terrorist...... just got terrified.



Actually... No. No Tommy. Caruso would be much worse.

Anyway, that's what you've all waited a few weeks for. Sorry. I might put a teaser for my next blog, to force me to write one. Here goes:

Next on Tommy's Blog: Tommy's Guide To Holding Your Own Election Party

Later on Tommy's Blog: How Come Nobody Is Coming To My Election Party

Even Later on Tommy's Blog: What Am I Going To Do With All These Chips :(

Tuesday, September 25

The Game Changes - SGS enters the Election

It may be the only thing that can stop Rudd-mania running wild across the country, the only thing that the Man Of Steel John Howard is truly scared of. No, not Latham. It's another man. With three first names, and a dog called Nattie.

Yes, Samuel Gordon Stewart is running for parliament, in the Canberra electorate of Fraser. In the time it took for him to announce his candidacy on John Kerr's radio show ('The Boring Old Fuck Variety Hour'), the prospect of a Samuel Gordon Stewart Prime Ministership has risen by over 3000% percent. 3000%. It's science.

So what does this mean for the people of Fraser, and the people of Australia? Let's take a glimpse into the near future, under the stewardship of Prime Minister Gordon Stewart.

Here he is at APEC. If you're wondering why George Bush is there even though his term ends in 2008, that's just because Saddam killed all the Mandelas.

Here's his first interview on Lateline...

And finally, his first sex scandal...

And his second...

You know, Prime Minister Stewart might not be all that bad. We can call him 'PMS', and it would save the taxpayer because he lives in Canberra anyway. I don't know about his policy of federally mandated handjobs for John Laws, but it's no WorkChoices.

And hey, he'd be better than Costello.

Wednesday, September 19

Things I Noticed At My Job

So, I've been at my new job for about three weeks now. Everything's going well, especially the XBox 360 I bought with my winnings. Ain't nothing like killing some zombies with a chainsaw in a shopping mall after work, and playing on the XBox is fun too.

Because this is my first real job (Subway doesn't count, nor does my brief sojourn in Monaco where I taught at the Sojourn School Of Pooncy Words), I've been noticing a lot of things about work life. Let's go through them one by one, because doing them all at once would make any punctuation I include pretty worthless.

The Work Edition

1. Work is absolutely nothing like The Office. When you try and mess with the guy named Dwight, he reports you to the boss. And if you hit on the secretary, he tells you to piss off.

2. You'd think not being at home would mean you ate less and better. Wrong. People in offices use any excuse to eat cake. See #3.

3. A lot of people in offices are fat. One lady at my work is so fat she only sits on her swivel chair with one of her arse cheeks. The other cheek hangs over the edge like a beanbag, and provides shelter for a small family of migrants.

4. Being paid monthly is awesome, because I don't have a mortgage to pay off and it's like receiving a small inheritence every four weeks (I also hate my extended family).

5. Channel Nine are fucking retarded.

6. People actually download the show How I Met Your Mother. And they watch it. Voluntarily. These people are dangerous.

7. Having a job removes most motivation to update your blog frequently. Instead, you create 7 point list blogs, and use the final joke to talk about how dodgy they are. Also, you find less time to update your 2nd blog, where you pretend to be dyslexic and upload really depressing pictures of people feeding livestock.

Friday, September 14

Tuesday, September 11

The Fall Of Howard: I just like writing 'The Fall Of Howard'

It seems like the election is already over. There's leadership tensions in the Liberals, Kevin Rudd is talking in chink to overseas leaders, and if you draw a trend line of the opinion polls over the last few weeks, it ends up being a giant cock face-fucking John Howard. I'm serious, try it.

When I first started doing these Fall Of Howard blogs, I genuinely disliked the guy. But these days... well, it's almost like picking on an old man. Actually, it is picking on an old man. I probably should have stopped when he literally fell over. I think that was a sign.

But, I can't stop now. I've already made a blog tag for it, and a cool new logo:

You don't know the meaning of disgusting until you've had to
Photoshop erase around John Howard's crotch

So we're riding this one all the way to the election. And beyond too, so I can look all sage and stuff. And if he loses, I'll just lie and say I always thought he was going to win, because that's what Johnny would do. Kind of like "WWJD?", except instead of a lame wristband, you get an ankle security bracelet and mandatory detention.

But is there any hope for Johnny? Can he pull the cat/persecuted immigrant out of the bag like he did in 2001? Can he hope that Labor will cock it up like they did in 2004?

Well, take a look at the Newspoll results.

So, in short - no, John is well fucked.

Friday, September 7

Bin Laden's New Video

So, Osama is back with a sequel.

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Osama bin Laden will release a new video in the coming days ahead of the sixth anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks in what would be the first new images of the terror mastermind in nearly three years, al-Qaida's media arm announced Thursday.

I love 'Al Qaeda's Media Arm', just quietly. Call me crazy, but shouldn't they have been blown up by now?

Anyway, now I work in the industry, I have a bit of access that I never had before. I can't show you the video itself, that will be released in a few days by Al Qaeda's Internet Arm and Al Qaeda's Postal Delivery Arm, but here is a screengrab:

Wednesday, September 5

I'm not sayin' I'm a prophet....

But if the shoe fits:

Deadline Hollywood Daily:

Finishing the Top 10, Paramount's romantic fantasy Stardust hung in for a 3-day weekend of $3 mil and a predicted 4-day holiday of $3.9 mil from 1,766 runs; but its new cume starting four weeks in release is just $31.9 mil, thus cementing its status as a flop.

Tommy in July


Now, all I need is for someone to write a book about me and in a millenium or so there'll be a religion named after me. It will be called Tomslam.

Sunday, September 2

Sock It

Along with Father's Day, it's also my birthday today. I turned 23, which is kind of depressing. Sure, I got some sweet presents, like the Bargearse/Olden Days DVD and the 24 DVD BOARD GAME~!, but I also bought myself socks for my Dad to give me. Socks.


I didn't even realise what I was doing. I needed some new socks and a new belt for work, so I bought them. Then I thought 'Hey, I can scam these as a birthday present so I don't have to pay for it'. I never even considered the connotation.

And, at that precise moment, my young life was over. I had voluntarily received socks as a present. In another timeline, 10-year old Tommy is slapping the shit out of 23-year old Tommy.

Life has a way of reinforcing its point, just in case you missed it the first time. So, even if I hadn't realised then that buying socks for my birthday was the beginning of a miserable, perpetual cycle of horrible presents, the universe was making sure I got it by the time I turned 23 for good. Because this morning, I unwrapped another present to find these:

Kill me.

Wednesday, August 29

Defenders Of The Earth! DEFENDERS!

I can't be the only one who read this on ABC News:

And thought it meant this:

He's a cool dude.

And now, after the first Billy Zane reference on TommyIsCoolDotCom, Tommy is proud to present this, the first in the range of Billy Zane Blog Reference trading card memorabillia. Collect all 293.

Monday, August 27

Looking Back #1 - The TommyIsCool Victims

I start my new job tomorrow, so blogs may become less frequent, or at least happen on different days. The blog isn't closing or anything crazy though - as long as John Howard is still Prime Minister, I feel a patriotic obligation to hate on him.

But I thought, as the blog enters a new, employed era, that I would take a stroll down memory lane. A bit of a Where Are They Now, just without Kochie and the dyke. In this installment, we take a look back at the TommyIsCool victims, the people who I've mercilessly crushed with my witty rejoinders and words like 'rejoinders'.

Our first gravestone in this stroll down memory lane? Our old favourite, Taco Girl. You might remember her for the '100 Things You Don't Know About Taco Girl' blog, where she told us that she loves sour cream, has an eating disorder, got knocked up by a convicted felon, hates her husband and is incapable of being happy. And Owen Wilson thinks he has it bad.

Almost two years later, and Taco Girl has changed a lot. She still has an eating disorder, hates her husband and got knocked up by a convicted felon, but now she hates her children too!

I don't feel guilty. It's obviously the child's fault for wanting to spend time with their friends and not their psychologically abusive step-father.

Up next, another target from two years ago - Razali Ali, the world's lamest emo. He's the one who came up with emo-tastic gems such as:

my toe is bleedin.stupid.hit it against the mom is goin is my bro.n my father.everi1 is out.cept sis just bought me a slippa.she called to ask wat colour i want.tanks.
sheesh.tis sucks.sumting is wrong all over again

It requires incredible skill to get emo over selecting the colour of slippers, but somehow he did it. Sadly, my comprehensive owning of Ali forced him to take his own life, as his blog comes up with an error.

Victim #3 is is an example of the rehabilitation services offered by TommyIsCoolDotCom. You might remember xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCOREx. He was the subject of the wildly successful Emos In The Wild series of blogs. When we first met Jaren, before he got the IsCool treatment, he looked like this:

jaren trying to cut himself with amplified sound waves

But, 18 months later, Jaren is completely cured of any emo-icity. He even set his MySpace to private, proving that he no longer feels the urge to share his poetry with a wide audience of like-minded souls in the rivers of despair. Check him out:

i'd hit it

See that? His mood is BOUNCY. He appears to be typing in his underwear, with no hair over his eyes, and is that a smile I see? Yes.

So what have we learnt? What good has my blog achieved? Let's add it up.

  • 0% reduction in eating disorders amongst self-hating emotionally traumatised women
  • 0.02% increase in Worldwide Emo Suicide
  • 50% Emo rehabilitation rate

I am doing God's work.

Friday, August 24

The Fall Of Howard: Wiki Wiki Wild Wild West

There's nothing sadder than the people who edit and moderate Wikipedia. I get the ones that may contribute to a page about a certain hobby or something, but what about the ones writing the entry for the word "here"? Who feels so strongly about a word that they'll make a Wiki entry for it?

Anyway, the Prime Minister's office has joined in on the action, making 126 edits to Wikipedia. I take such an offense personally, considering another giant Wiki tool deleted Matt's awesome Derek Granger entry.

Don't think I've forgotten, Wine-o.

But the PM's office isn't just editing disparaging remarks about Peter Costello, they're interested in a whole bunch of ways to waste taxpayer's money. For one, they have a strange, almost sexual obsession with the Gang-gang Cockatoo (Not be confused with the Gang-Bang Cockatoo, which is the secondary mascot of the Canterbury Bulldogs). They also edit entries on Fictional Foods and Beverages in Star Trek, something called Snub hexagonal tiling, and show a keen interest in Andrew Gaze's career.

The only other person to show an interest in Andrew Gaze's career? Andrew Gaze.

But all that's just sad.

The comedy gold is in their edit of the 'Mandatory detention in Australia' entry. According to the Prime Minister's office, the inhumane conditions in detention camp aren't actually inhumane, they're not even allegedly inhumane, they're "allegedley inhumane". And Tampa and the Boat People didn't 'help win' John Howard the election, rather "some commentators argume that it helped John Howard win the election".

The argume, of course, is the distant relative of the legume, and is enjoyed as a snack by Liberal Party hacks who like to rewrite history so their boss isn't a xenophobic cocksmoker.

Although, in the interest of fairness, I think some other politicians have been editing Wikipedia too.

Wednesday, August 22

D├ętente is a fancy French word that History teachers use to look smart when they could just use an English word

I'm kind of Jewish when it comes to the War On Terror. I loved the Old Testament (Afghanistan), but I don't really care so much for the sequel. I stole that from some guy. I forget who.

To me, Afghanistan was about as justified a war as you can get these days. It was blowing up people who'd blown up our ally, people who were running one of the most oppressive, fundamentalist regimes since the Howard Government (sorry, it's an election year), and it also helped secure oil for my Corolla. That's three ticks. Four if you count the fact they weren't white.

This is totally what e-mail looks like

But we never really won in Afghanistan. And I think that's a little weak, considering it's not exactly a quagmire over there. You don't have to send soldiers to clear buildings street by street, because there are no buildings. Or streets. Or non-goat transportation.

I'm no 5-Star General, but I do have about 6 years experience watching The West Wing, and I'm pretty sure we could win that war. We could have captured Osama, dressed the Taliban up like Jessica Rabbit and then held a big party in the middle of Kabul. We would eat hot dogs. Britain would bring dip.

So, when I read this, I get a little confused:

The few weeks between the visits to Pakistan of Richard Boucher, the US assistant secretary of state who left last week, and Deputy Secretary of State John Negroponte, who arrives on September 10, could prove crucial in determining the fate of Afghanistan. This is the timeline for secret three-party talks to establish teega (a Pashtu word for a peace deal that resolves a conflict) between the Western coalition forces in Afghanistan (with Pakistan), the Afghan government, and the anti-coalition insurgents of Afghanistan. The first round of talks has already begun in the southwestern Pakistani city of Quetta, Asia Times Online has learned.

Link courtesy of The Road To Surfdom.

In other words, we're negotiating peace with the Taliban. The same Taliban who dress women up like Jawas from Star Wars, the same ignorant religious fuckballs who turned Afghanistan from a rotting shitpool into a rotting shitpool where you can't watch TV or blink on whatever holy day weirdo extremist Muslims have chosen for you.

Afghanistan's hottest two porn stars.

They were later killed.

The World Superpower and Britain and Australia, owners of the baddest mofo SAS troops on the planet, are negotiating with a bunch of guys whose primary mode of attack is 'Pray really hard'. Fuck that. Blow the shit out of them, or hand the Super Power tag over to Russia so they can show you how it's done.

Monday, August 20

The Fall Of Rudd (on to some chick's lap)

Well, the leading political news of the day is Kevin Rudd's trip to Scores in New York, so sadly, I'm going to have to put up a relevant picture.

yes mr. rudd, please tell us more about the trade deficit

I think this is hilarious. I love the idea of Rudd at a strip club, pissed off his rocker, yelling in Mandarin to a bunch of single mothers. Surely something about 'an education revolution.... in my PANTS', or just a 'Hello, my name is Kevin, and I'm here to help..........YOUR TITTIES.' (Rudd is a big fan of the dramatic pause)

Or maybe he actually visited a male strip club, which is where he got 'hairy-chested beating' from.

We will never know.

I'd like to think Australia isn't so conservative that this will hurt K-Rudd come election time. I mean, aside from the hilarious hypocrisy of a Christian socialist watching poor lower-class sluttos shake what God gave/evolved them, it's not too earth-shattering. If anything, it reminds us of Bob Hawke, who was so awesome that he installed a stripper poll at Kirribilli House.

And at least it explains the Kevin07 Bumper Stickers.

Friday, August 17


Nobody told me I could make POLLS


on my poll more like it am i rite


Wednesday, August 15

The Fall Of Howard - Costellemo Strikes Back

When I first decided to do a series of blogs called 'The Fall Of Howard', I didn't think it would be so freakin' easy.

Three senior Canberra gallery journalists, including the ABC's Michael Brissenden, say they met with Mr Costello over dinner in early 2005.

They say the Treasurer told them Mr Howard could not win the election and he would "destroy" his leadership if he [Mr Howard] was still Prime Minister by 2006.

Brissenden says Mr Costello's office called the journalists one day after the conversation and asked for the comments to be placed 'off the record'. He says the journalists reluctantly agreed.

- ABC News

Hilarious. I've said it before, but Peter Costello is the biggest pussy in Australian politics. Ok, I totally don't think I've ever said that, but come on. Remember when he teared up at the press conference around Howard's 163rd birthday a few years back, when John announced he was staying on? Or when that 'leadership agreement note' came out? If Costello wanted to be PM, he could be PM. Whether it's by a challenge or two, or by baiting Howard into the path of an incoming bus with the promise of arthritis medicine, it wouldn't take much.

"Get that fucking iPod out of my face," Costello remarked to reporters.

But the funniest thing to come out of this isn't picturing John Howard saying 'Fuckin cunt' when he read his newspaper this morning, it's this quote:

"I think the public are sick of this sort of stuff... you think the public would believe journalists over Peter Costello?" Mr Downer said.

Comedy Gold, Mr. Downer.

Monday, August 13

Ben Ikin: Friday Night Fuckhead - A Commentary By Matt and Tommy

The Channel Nine NRL Commentary Team is a lot like a family. You have the patriarch, Ray 'Rabs' Warren. The cool dad Sterlo. The funny uncle Fatty Vautin. The funnier brother Matty Johns. And starting this year, Ben Ikin, the cousin you haven't seen in a while because the family is ashamed of him and have been keeping him in a special facility out of the state but now even the facility doesn't want him so he's moved back home but you know it won't last long because either his parents will freak out and murder him or he'll accidentally drown himself in a corn silo.

For those of you who don't know Ben Ikin, he is best known for sucking off Broncos coach Wayne Bennett on a bi-weekly basis.

Unfortunately, some idiotic temp at Channel Nine recently decided to slap a pair of faggy glasses on him ('fagtacles' for short) and give Ben a microphone that was actually plugged in.

Here's an example of Ikin's commentary from a few weeks ago. To set the stage, The Canterbury Bulldogs are playing a team that doesn't rape. They've just scored and Hazem El Masri, Allah's Gift To Goal Kicking, is lining up the conversion. Hazem is currently in a little bit of a funk, kicking 95% instead of 97%.

Over to you, Ben.

Hazem is in a real goal-kicking slump at the moment...

Hazem kicks the conversion successfully.

The slump is over!

Later, Hazem misses the final goal of the match. What does Ben say?

Hazem is sliding back into the form slump that we'd seen earlier this year...


Like, it makes sense because the guy's suppressing the memory of an entire life wasted, so an 80 minute football match must seem like the kind of time period that you can do some trend analysis on. But for those of us who don't have mutated freak heads and a cock for a brain, it only makes for some piss poor commentary.

Like this:

Ben on the sideline...

Yeah thanks Rabs, the Titans are currently on four points after that try from Scott Prince. If they can get this conversion, they'll get another two points which will put them on a total of six.

Expert commentary, from Ben Ikin.

But Ben doesn't just opine on rugby league. He's also been known to commentate on his daily life.

Yes, and now the girl is now sucking my penis. I certainly seem to be enjoying it. I am really worried about ejaculating too early and not only surprising and disappointing her but also causing her to vomit, which might result in an early end to this encounter.

Do you have to speak?

Yes. And I didn't just nut in your mouth early. That was...that was you.

Poor Ben. Though, none of this changes the fact that most people would rather go down on Gus Gould than meet Ben Ikin in person and not kill him.