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Emos In The Wild
An investigative report by Tomm

I've made a point of bagging out Emos pretty constantly on my blog, culminating in 2005's mega-event - EMO Week.

And after all that, you would think that I've had my fill, but then I found this.


It's a MySpace page. MySpace, for those of you who don't know, is where emos go to die. They can post pictures of themselves, typically shot from the classic MySpace angles, post their poems and post embedded YouTube videos of screamo bands all on one horribly formatted page. There is even a massive comment box at the bottom of the page for them to get instant validation of the misery that is their life. It also has a brief bio of the MySpacer, which I've taken the liberty of posting here.


I could have chosen any number of MySpace's to bag out, but xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCOREx's was just too good to pass up. I wonder why he chose xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCOREx, maybe xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCORE was taken. The page screams emo. Yes, it screamos. His profile picture looks kind of normal. In fact, it kind of doesn't fit in on the black and purple setting, with the links to the emo poems and the emo band pictures. But then you click 'show more pics', and unearth an emo goldmine. Yes, a golemodmine. Take a look at this gem.

Patsy, the cat did a whoopsy in my hoody

Aside from the fact he got a white shirt caught in the closed door, well, I think you know where I'm going with this. One painted fingernail. Tight fitting hoody. Bent over on an amplifier holding a 7-inch "microphone" in his hand. This kid is queerer than Ian Thorpe riding a scooter on a rainbow.

But I'm not here to bag him out for being fruitier than Goulburn Valley. See, this kid isn't just emo. He's the perfect emo. He is the Michaelangelo of emos. Not only does he play in an emo band, not only does he write lousy poetry, but he has an ORIGIN STORY. Like Peter Parker getting bitten by a radioactive spider, Superman's home planet being destroyed or Bert Newton being exposed to massive amounts of gamma radiation, 'Jaren' shows us just exactly how he became an emo.

Because of a girl. You see, one fateful night in 2004, Jaren was playing a gig, when he met a girl with an eyebrow piercing. They laughed and joked around, 'threw things over fences' and ate hash brownies. I don't really get the connection there, but whatever. Eventually, they became closer. They watched Donnie Darko (ultimate emo movie) with friends, then traded gifts. She gave him napkins, because he complained about using tissues to clean his hands in his room.

Clean what exactly?

Anyway, she has to leave for a camp, so he waits till she's gone, then on the second day of the campm at 1:15am, asks her out over the internet. She says yes, and he assumes she is smiling. She may be smiling from the joy of a new love, or laughing at the hopelessness of a guy who waits till she's a few hundred miles away before professing his love for her over MSN. I wonder if he used a Wink.



Anyway, they start going out, start fudding each other to songs by The Cure, she tells him that she 'likes boys who cry' and he says he thinks 'that's why they get along so well', and everything is beautiful.

Until she unblocks her ex-boyfriend from her AOL Messenger Buddy List.

The slut.

So they watch Garden State and hump some more. She leaves the window open that night, because she knows there are crickets outside and how much he likes them. This results in Jaren crying, and then thinking about the walls in her room wondering why he was crying.

...

It was such a good night that Jaren woke up 'not fearing the morning like I usually do'.

...

So anyway, this chick lies about having an Oboe lesson to hang out with her ex-boyfriend, so this guy goes on Prozac. Then she starts hanging out with the ex-boyfriend some more, so our mate Jaren starts cutting himself. Then, even though Jaren says 'he was always not a good boyfriend', this slut starts hanging out with him more, so Jaren cuts himself deeper. Up the river, not across the stream young one. So, they have a chat, decide to get back together, but this bitch is all like uh huh i ain't talking to you so he's all like oh god why the essence of pain is eating my emotions, and she's all like fine you're dumped and he's all like stab stab stab slice slice

Here is his journal entry from the day she dumped him.

Im not going to be ok
nothing in the world has ever hurt this much
you cant tell me all the things u did and then just take everything away
I believed everything u said, everything
I still do believe you
please don’t leave.....
everything is right when Im with you.....
please dont do this...
i love you so much...
i havent stopped crying since...
please come back please
ill do anything to make it ok
anything
your the only one who can save me
no one will ever love you as much as i do
you always told me we're meant to be together....
i still believe that....
your the best person and gf ive ever had in my life...
please dont leave.......please.....ill do anything
u always told me i was the best bf ever and u told me how wonderful i am
no girlfriend ever treated me like you did....
you made everything ok...
please change your mind
for the love of god please change your mind
you have to save me..

Anyway, the bitch starts dating her ex again a week later, and Jaren is finally reborn. No longer is he a mild-mannered, crybaby little limp-wristed girly man, he is now something completely different (kinda)... Yes, when Jaren eats a banana, he becomes BANANA MAN.

He also becomes a fully-fledged emo.



Next on TommyIsCoolDotCom: Part II of Tommy's Emos In The Wild - The Poetry Of xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCOREx