Friday, June 30

I know the blog is called Tommy Is Cool and I know my site is like, totally the 3rd coolest site on the net behind and, but sometimes you just have to geek it up.

Superman Returns
came out yesterday. I haven't seen it yet, but it's on my to-do list, along with getting a job and Elisha Cuthbert.

And as you've probably already gathered from either talking to me in person, or reading my blog about X-Men 3 where I listed both The Beast's birthplace and the first names of his parents, I'm a comic book fanboy. Especially ever since I found out you could just download them for free, rather than paying a few bucks for something you read in about 2 minutes (like the Daily Telegraph lolololo). So a movie like Superman Returns, which has a guy who can fly, shoot beams from his eyes and manage to convince people he's a bumbling reporter just by changing the direction of his fringe, gets a thumbs up in my book.

But Superman came very, very close to getting a thumbs down. If you thought X-Men 3 was dissapointing, you're lucky Warner Brothers never made the Superman movies they wanted to during the 1990's and early 00's. Yes, it's time to bust out the pocket protectors and the calculators, it's all systems geek as we take a faster-than-a-speeding-bullet trip through...

- Tommy's Guide To The Cursed Superman Movies

Superman I, II, III and... well, let's not talk about IV, were awesome movies. Well... actually III was pretty crap too. But Gene Hackman was a sweet Lex Luthor, and Christopher Reeve was an even better Superman. Lois Lane was a little fugly, but hey, it was the 80's. And aside from some weird scenes where Superman straightens the Leaning Tower of Pisa (because that was was the most important problem facing the world at the time), they were pretty true to the basic elements of the Superman mythos.

Holy shit, I just said mythos.

And we all know them - there's the red cape, the S, Krypton, flying, heat vision, completely ridiculous scenarios involving Kryptonite and some more flying. It's what everyone knows about Superman, what everyone likes about Superman and what anybody in their right mind making a Superman movie would include.

Except the people who were... making the Superman movies.

We start our tale with Kevin Smith, the writer/director of Clerks and Chasing Amy. His other big film, Mallrats, was loaded with comic references (mainly to do with superheroes cocks), so Warner Bros brought him on board to write a script for 'Superman Lives', a movie that would deal with the 'death' of Superman, as done in the comics to lots of $$$.

Smith has given lots of interviews about his experience working on Superman Lives, but he reserved most of his criticism for the film's then-producer Jon Peters. Peters was Barbara Streisand's hair stylist before becoming a movie maker. If that's not bad enough, he's also the guy who made Wild Wild West. As Smith said about Peters - 'in Hollywood, you fail up.'

When he met with Peters, Smith was told his script had to comply with three things.

  • Superman would not fly
  • Superman would not wear his costume because it was too 'faggy'
  • Superman had to fight a giant spider in the third act

I'm not making that up. Other Peters ideas included Braniac, a Superman villain, having a robot sidekick with a 'gay black' voice, Superman having armed guards at his Fortress of Solitude, Braniac fighting polar bears, and did I mention he'd be fighting a giant spider?

Luckily, after Smith had written a few drafts, Tim Burton and Nicolas Cage were signed to direct and star, and Peters ideas were thrown away. Though surprisingly enough, Peters' film Wild Wild West included a giant spid-


Wait wait wait waitwaitwaitwait

Nicolas Cage?

As you may know, I think Nicolas Cage is a tool. But that's not why he'd be a horrible Superman. This is why Nicolas Cage would be a horrible Superman.

"It's you, you're The Rocketman"

Seriously, he looks like THAT and he wants to play James Bond and Superman? Why not just cast the daft old bitch from The Golden Girls to play Wonder Woman?

(Of course, saying 'daft old bitch from The Golden Girls' doesn't really narrow the field down much. I meant the really old one. Not the slutty one, the retarded one or the one that looked like a man.)

Anyway, Tim Burton rocks! He made Batman! And Batman Returns! And that had Christopher Walken in it! And his movies always look really unique, so his Superman would look awesome, right?


Hey, look, it's Edward Scissor-Hands-Man.

So after a few dozen MILLION DOLLARS were spent on pre-production and Burton and Cage's salary, they canned Superman for another few years, but as always - Superman LIVED!

In 2002, Superman was back in production, and J.J Abrams was going to write the script! He's the guy who made Alias, and Lost! And FELICITY! Hell yes! And McG, the guy who directed Charlies Angels 2: Full Throttle was going to direct! ..................... Shit.

Well, at least J.J would write a cool script!

J.J Abrams Superman script included:
  • Lex Luthor being changed from a meglomaniacal businessman into a Government Agent who was secretly from Krypton, Superman's home world, with the same powers as Superman
  • A Matrix-style kung-fu fight between Superman and... Super Lex
  • Jimmy Olsen, Clark Kent's photo-taking good buddy being gay
  • Superman's home planet Krypton doesn't explode, unlike every other Superman story ever. This is the equivalent of having Batman's parents alive and baking him cookies.
  • Superman dies, but his father on Krypton 'argues him out' of dying
  • A steaming pile of shit

Who would have thought that the man who gave the world Felicity could write something so crap. Anyway, the director's reins on Superman changed hands more than an amputee with a prosthetic arm before finally settling on Bryan Singer, who made the pretty swank looking Superman Returns.

And so ends our guide. If you'll excuse me, I have to go get changed in a phone booth. Not because I'm a superhero, I just like people watching me.


Anonymous said...

How were those points you listed even related to the superman mythos?

Tommy said...

do you really want to throw down on superman's mythos with me bitch?