I don't want to sound overly partisan, but...

PETER COSTELLO IS A PUSSY

Prime ministerial heir designate Peter Costello has admitted he cries. Not over leadership squabbles, but over the Australian Idol show on television.

When asked if he ever cried, the treasurer divulged that his family loved to watch Australian Idol and the show sometimes moved him to tears.

"Yeah I do actually," Mr Costello said about his tendency to blub.

"I get moved by movies from time to time.

"I get moved by talent shows, you know, things like Australian Idol.

"(I cry) sometimes when the singers get put down and cry.

"My family watches it all the time.

"They watched it all the way through the series and I thought it was a good series."

from Da Herald

Hey, I tear up a little at the end of Band Of Brothers, and I used to get moved to tears by episodes of Supermarket Sweep, but Australian Idol?

The bloke is meant to be the economic genius of our country, and he landed on the waterworks and paid four times his roll when Dicko called Paulini fat?

I'm afraid I have no other recourse other than this.

EMO Watch: Fatality 666

I was going to post about ThatBitch Naomi Robson getting detained in Indonesia for trying to save a Papuan kid from a tribe of cannibals, and how it's funny that Today Tonight has never cared about the hundreds of dead in Papua until they start eating cute kids, but eh. Instead, I will do what she does whenever they run a story about someone doing something stupid.

Hmm..... Disturbing stuff there....

/me shake head slowly, then cut to feature story about gooks

For today's blog is kicking it old school with a bit of EMO WATCH action. Kinda. A few days ago, a guy named Kimveer Gill opened fire at a college in Montreal, wounding 19 people and killing one woman. Kimveer wasn't an emo, but he was a goth, and goths were like emos five years ago, so it counts. In fact, a goth killing people in 2006 means that emos could start opening fire sometime around 2011, so we should know our enemy.

Of course, it wouldn't be an Emo Watch without bagging out someone's MySpace/Blog, so let's check out Kimveer, aka fatality666, and his little home on the internet.

At VAMPIRE FREAKS DOT COM

AAAAHHH

Because of the pantload of hits the site received after one of their members went on a blood drive, VampireFreaks closed his profile to the public. Luckily, Google still has it. Let's take a look.

Based on The Crow wallpaper, the Cradle of Filth music video, and the cavalcade of horror movie pictures, I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say the '666' in 'fatality666' doesn't stand for the Satanic number, but for the amount of cliches he's managed to cram into one page.




His image gallery is the first thing on the page. Along with the photos of him modelling an assault rifle and a Rambo knife, he's also adding to his cavalcade of cliches by owning a Scarface poster. Woah dude, you're like, totally unique. You can't like, buy that poster for $6 at every single university poster sale since the invention of glossy paper.



Hey dude, pro wrestling doesn't get enough bad press as it is, so why don't you take photos of yourself wearing a replica mask of WWE Superstar Kane and put them on the internet before you massacre a few dozen people with a fucking rifle. That's just not cool, man. I should fake-kick your ass.




And while we're on wrestling, he did a 'What WWE Superstar Are You?' quiz, and he managed to get The Undertaker. What a coincidence. I wonder how many times he had to re-do that quiz to get 'Taker. Ten bucks he kept getting Johnny Nitro or Funaki the first twenty times he tried it.

DUDE, WHY AM I FUNAKI!?? LIFE IS PAIN!

The quiz' don't stop there. According to the results, his Mystical Land Of Birth is The Land Of Darkness, his Angel or Demon is the Angel of Destruction, he's a Satanist, his heart is not only black but 'Made of Soil' and he'll die via Suicide. He got shot by the police, so he couldn't even get the easy one right. And I'm pretty sure the autopsy will reveal his heart is in fact, not made of soil. What a liar.

Maybe they can fix the hole the cop's bullet left in your
heart with some fertilizer, you stupid bitch

The saddest thing about this whole mess is that it could have been avoided, if only somebody had read his lists of favourite things. Check out the red text in the middle of the page. He likes normal things, like Beer, Vodka, Baby Animals and Crushing His Enemies Skulls. He also likes both the Bow and Arrow and the Sawn-Off Shotgun, even though one of those renders the other completely useless. What a fool.

But the truly disturbing thing, the one that should have set alarm bells off on anybody visiting this journal is in his Favourite Movies list.


LITTLE NICKY?!@# LITTLE NICKY?!@


The media will try to blame the gothic sub-culture, or violent video games, or maybe even the WWE, but we all know the true perpetrator of this tragedy.





Rot in hell, Sandler.

Emos IN THE WILD: Part 3 - Undercover Emo


You thought I'd forgotten, hadn't you.

My transformation into a MySpace emo wasn't easy. First, I needed pictures. Those were provided by my sexy Olympus camera, and the less-sexy REDACTED. Then, I needed poetry. Luckily, I had recently been provided with an emo goldmine, the url of which shall remain a secret because I will probably steal more stuff from there later. After that, I needed a dark, emo MySpace template, which I found on the net. Once I had all that hooked up, all I needed was some screamo music, and bam. Goodbye Tommy the blogger, hello 'Marcus Helms', The Ultimate MySpace Emo.



Marcus is 16 years old, lives in California and recently broke up with his girlfriend 'Ashlee'. Please visit his MySpace, or I'll/he'll cut myself/himself, and I don't want to have to explain this to my/his Dad.

Emos In The Wild
Part II - The Poetry of xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCOREx

Poetry is perhaps the most important characteristic of a true emo. Without poetry, New Found Glory CDs and incredibly tight jeans, emos are nothing but pussy goths. To a MySpace emo, poems are like trading cards. They are paraded around, traded and commented on. On MySpace, even the very worst poems can generate pages of praise from like-minded nutbars. And when you talk of the very worst poems, one only has to look to our good friend Jaren for a treasure trove of emo. Yes, a tremosure trovemo.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the Poetry of xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCOREx.



Obviously due to the high demand from libraries and universities, Jaren has put all of his poems in one easy to find spot - a blog on his MySpace. We begin with his 'fav one ive written', a three-part epic called '12:58pm'.

It is written like a conversation between two emo lovers, full of haunting questions like 'Do you have the keys to the hotel?', 'Why are you such a broken radio?' and perhaps the finest line of the poem - 'Is there such thing as an alleyway?'. Indeed Jaren, is there such thing as an Alleyway? Who are we to judge what is and is not an Alleyway, sitting in our ivory towers drinking our herbal tea. You truly are a literary genius.

12:58pm ends with one of the emo lovers commiting suicide. Surprise surprise. I've seen less predictable episodes of the Power Rangers. In the poem, the jilted lover curses the Gods for their predicament, before ending it all by jumping into the void. If only that happened before he wrote the poem.

I won't go through every poem, because we'd all be jumping into the void once I was done. Instead, I will construct a poem using the very worst lines from Jaren's. I call it the xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCOREx Mix-Tape.

In the spring
Plants sprout from her pores
Butterflies come out her eyes
Is there anybody out there
To watch the crickets fight

Little boys with little dogs
Small boys with small toys
Big boys with small rooms
The smell of the ocean on my doorknob
The smell of starfish on your sandals

In the urban
Where cicadas eat man
He sits on his roof
Looking for his lighthouse
He calls himself the iceberg
And love is his titanic
And they both shared a love of ballpoint

you can sleep on the motorcycle

Positively moving. It is a testament to his skill as a poet that even a random connection of lines can speak more truth than the entire canon of published literature. Jaren challenges our assumptions about life and love. We CAN sleep on the motorcycle. Butterflies DO come out our eyes. And yes, small boys DO have oh so small toys. (Unless they're black.)

We end our sojourn into this beautiful collection with Jaren's final poem, and perhaps his most controversial. He wrote it to 'make a girlfriend feel loved'. And according to Jaren, it is so controversial that 'VIEWERS UNDER 14 STEP BACK'

:O

Could this finally be the erotic emo poem I've been searching for?

Could this be...


emorotica?

Let's take a look...

Theres too much hair in my eyes
Everythings wet
In an empty park next to the most pitiful creek ever
Just wanting to fit in

Everything's wet, this is an excellent start. We'll skip the next part about how their teenage love interrupted the flow of a creek into the ocean. Because along with granting you the power to slash your wrists, teenage love can have an extensive geographical impact.

Id rather drink you
Then water
You're the sexiest thing ive ever tasted
Like licking sex
But still not ready to taste love

Hey Sex, whats up man

Oh nothing much just HEY GET OFF ME MAN WTF!! WHAT YOU LICKING ME FOR?!

Sorry

I never want it to end
I wanted the concrete to freeze
Clocks to suffer heart attacks
And live in your laughter
And in your bed

Now he's getting greedy. He wants an already-solid substance to freeze, and then he wants to give a clock an entire circulatory system, THEN give it a heart attack. Do these fantasy clocks have really bad diets? What is he feeding these clocks? And how do they eat?

Woah, this concrete is pretty hard, it's frozen rock solid.

All over you
I want your tongue in my mouth
Your sun in my morning
And my key in your door
And our bodies keep sweating

HEHE HIS KEY IS HIS PENIS HEHE

You are my sugar pill
My ecstasy
You are perfect
Night makes your skin glisten
And makes my tears joyful

He loves his bad analogies like a monkey loves a walrus. His poems are so confusing, like a baby eating electric tape. His rhymes are non-existant, like a drop of water in frozen concrete.

And I swear I love you more
And ill scream your name
And ill scream I love you
Until my veins collapse
And everyone whoever doubted you begins to weep

And ill never use apostrophes, because that takes time and then I wouldn't be young and emo anymore.

When they realize they've lost the most beautiful thing in the world
You make me feel safe
And feel like I matter
And I always want to matter
And I don't want to look both ways before crossing the street
Don't ever let me lose that
Just don't be scared..

Gee, I wonder why she's scared of you, cockspank. Maybe it's because you told her you want to lick her sex. Maybe it's because you don't look both ways when you cross the street and she's scared a car will hit her. Or maybe it's because she has a phobia of really, really bad poetry.

Having read that emo tripe, I can't believe I'm going to do this, but in Part 3 of Emos In The Wild...



Tommy is going undercover

BUP BEEP

BUP BEEP

BUP

Emos In The Wild
An investigative report by Tomm

I've made a point of bagging out Emos pretty constantly on my blog, culminating in 2005's mega-event - EMO Week.

And after all that, you would think that I've had my fill, but then I found this.


It's a MySpace page. MySpace, for those of you who don't know, is where emos go to die. They can post pictures of themselves, typically shot from the classic MySpace angles, post their poems and post embedded YouTube videos of screamo bands all on one horribly formatted page. There is even a massive comment box at the bottom of the page for them to get instant validation of the misery that is their life. It also has a brief bio of the MySpacer, which I've taken the liberty of posting here.


I could have chosen any number of MySpace's to bag out, but xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCOREx's was just too good to pass up. I wonder why he chose xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCOREx, maybe xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCORE was taken. The page screams emo. Yes, it screamos. His profile picture looks kind of normal. In fact, it kind of doesn't fit in on the black and purple setting, with the links to the emo poems and the emo band pictures. But then you click 'show more pics', and unearth an emo goldmine. Yes, a golemodmine. Take a look at this gem.

Patsy, the cat did a whoopsy in my hoody

Aside from the fact he got a white shirt caught in the closed door, well, I think you know where I'm going with this. One painted fingernail. Tight fitting hoody. Bent over on an amplifier holding a 7-inch "microphone" in his hand. This kid is queerer than Ian Thorpe riding a scooter on a rainbow.

But I'm not here to bag him out for being fruitier than Goulburn Valley. See, this kid isn't just emo. He's the perfect emo. He is the Michaelangelo of emos. Not only does he play in an emo band, not only does he write lousy poetry, but he has an ORIGIN STORY. Like Peter Parker getting bitten by a radioactive spider, Superman's home planet being destroyed or Bert Newton being exposed to massive amounts of gamma radiation, 'Jaren' shows us just exactly how he became an emo.

Because of a girl. You see, one fateful night in 2004, Jaren was playing a gig, when he met a girl with an eyebrow piercing. They laughed and joked around, 'threw things over fences' and ate hash brownies. I don't really get the connection there, but whatever. Eventually, they became closer. They watched Donnie Darko (ultimate emo movie) with friends, then traded gifts. She gave him napkins, because he complained about using tissues to clean his hands in his room.

Clean what exactly?

Anyway, she has to leave for a camp, so he waits till she's gone, then on the second day of the campm at 1:15am, asks her out over the internet. She says yes, and he assumes she is smiling. She may be smiling from the joy of a new love, or laughing at the hopelessness of a guy who waits till she's a few hundred miles away before professing his love for her over MSN. I wonder if he used a Wink.



Anyway, they start going out, start fudding each other to songs by The Cure, she tells him that she 'likes boys who cry' and he says he thinks 'that's why they get along so well', and everything is beautiful.

Until she unblocks her ex-boyfriend from her AOL Messenger Buddy List.

The slut.

So they watch Garden State and hump some more. She leaves the window open that night, because she knows there are crickets outside and how much he likes them. This results in Jaren crying, and then thinking about the walls in her room wondering why he was crying.

...

It was such a good night that Jaren woke up 'not fearing the morning like I usually do'.

...

So anyway, this chick lies about having an Oboe lesson to hang out with her ex-boyfriend, so this guy goes on Prozac. Then she starts hanging out with the ex-boyfriend some more, so our mate Jaren starts cutting himself. Then, even though Jaren says 'he was always not a good boyfriend', this slut starts hanging out with him more, so Jaren cuts himself deeper. Up the river, not across the stream young one. So, they have a chat, decide to get back together, but this bitch is all like uh huh i ain't talking to you so he's all like oh god why the essence of pain is eating my emotions, and she's all like fine you're dumped and he's all like stab stab stab slice slice

Here is his journal entry from the day she dumped him.

Im not going to be ok
nothing in the world has ever hurt this much
you cant tell me all the things u did and then just take everything away
I believed everything u said, everything
I still do believe you
please don’t leave.....
everything is right when Im with you.....
please dont do this...
i love you so much...
i havent stopped crying since...
please come back please
ill do anything to make it ok
anything
your the only one who can save me
no one will ever love you as much as i do
you always told me we're meant to be together....
i still believe that....
your the best person and gf ive ever had in my life...
please dont leave.......please.....ill do anything
u always told me i was the best bf ever and u told me how wonderful i am
no girlfriend ever treated me like you did....
you made everything ok...
please change your mind
for the love of god please change your mind
you have to save me..

Anyway, the bitch starts dating her ex again a week later, and Jaren is finally reborn. No longer is he a mild-mannered, crybaby little limp-wristed girly man, he is now something completely different (kinda)... Yes, when Jaren eats a banana, he becomes BANANA MAN.

He also becomes a fully-fledged emo.



Next on TommyIsCoolDotCom: Part II of Tommy's Emos In The Wild - The Poetry Of xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCOREx

i wrote a poem cause textual expression is the only way of ridding myself of the depression of life, art is the only cure for the meloncholy that pervades my soul

it's called CMP

CMP
an emo poem by tommy

breathing

eating

sleeping

cutting

the pain heals like a bandaid
plugging my tears like a... plug

but cutting my arms

my wrists

my thighs

it wasn't enough
cutting was the solution and the problem
the depression sunk in like a fat girl in a pool
i had to find a new way
a new way to free myself from hell
so i took the knife

and i cut my penis

art is pain

god I'm sick of my life

i woke up this morning to make my hot chocolate and like I couldn't find my good spoon so i looked and my dad was all like hey you better find that spoon or you wont be able to have hot chocolate and i'm like get out of my life old man you don't rule me

anyway i found the spoon

and a knife too so i could cut myself after

so i had my hot chocloate then my sis calls from werk and shes like hey what do you want for dinner and like fark lah wtf how am i meant to know chicken or sometin

and she's all like well you should pick something up at the shops wtf like i havent got uni work and shit, aint no fuckin way im doin that, if you fukin thing im going to shops today you got another thin coming lah

god does the pain never stop

so anyway i gotta rap this up i gotta go to the shops

Tommy's Guide To Shitty Emo Whiny Bitches And Their Stupid Blogs Where They Can't Spell Words Properly

or How I Learned to Stop Cutting and Love the Bomb


The 'next blog' button at the top right is a comedy goldmine. Sometimes you just find blatant product placement, ugly Asian girls or in-depth discussion about geo-political events. But sometimes, sometimes you find a truly great blog. A blog so brilliant in its awfulness I cannot go another day without posting an in-depth piss-take of it (derived from the Italian 'piztake'). Ladies and gentlemen I present to you...

'my real thoughts'



Now, the first thing you'll notice when you visit this blog is the manga-style cartoon of an emo. You know he is an emo due to the scruffy black hair, black armband, black clothes and the numerous tattoos. All he needs is a 'New Found Glory' CD and he'd be perfect.



The second thing you'll notice is that this guy is a cutter, which might explain the third post down about how he just quit as leader of the NSW Liberal Party (way too soon - please don't read this joke for another three weeks). Phrases like 'some kind of knife carves my pain', 'tattoos define me, pain redefines me' and headings like 'carving' and 'bleeding' adorn the page, and are pretty much the only words spelt correctly.

Thirdly, please note his name is 'Razali Ali' (insert rose petal joke here), and he's only FIFTEEN. Maybe he's starting the cutting young so he can heal before he reaches an age where he realises his inane whining was completely insignificant?

Anyway, the blog mainly consists of him bitching about the pettiest stuff in the world in a language that could best be describe as a cross between English, Korean, SMS and the words a cat makes when it walks across a keyboard. Not even C3-PO could translate gems like 'well until i feel lyk usin my hp tt is'. He's going to lick HTTP?

The best bits of 'my real thoughts' (as opposed to his fake thoughts) come when he lives up to his tag and gets all emo. Look at this one from August 28th:

my life is a wreck

frankly.today suck.woke up ard 11.my father old me to clean the ceiling fan.so i did.everiting ceiling fan there was in the house was cleaned.by me.

OH NOES!@ CLEAN THE CEILING FAN?! THE ONLY WAY TO CURE THE PAIN IS TO CUT! UP THE STREAM NOT ACROSS THE RIVER PRONTO! THE BLOOD WILL CLEANSE THE DUST THAT LANDS ON MY SCARRED SKIN AFTER I CLEAN THE CEILING FAN!

Ali's feather duster

I love his short punchy sentences for effect too. 'everiting ceiling fan there was in the house was cleaned.'

*dramatic pause*

'by me.'

My other favourite post on his blog was his account of his meeting with his ex-girlfriend where she poured her heart out to him (he then poured his BLOOD OUT TO HER FROM THE RIVER OF PAIN THAT RAN THROUGH HIS WRISTS orsoi'massuming).

i can tell.argh fuck.i hate hurting ppl.id rather get hurt reali.pls.just let me noe wat to do god.seryesly.im lost.

Seryesly God, let him noe wat to do. Seryesly Ten.

But NOTHING can touch his most recent blog:

my toe is bleedin.stupid.hit it against the wall.my mom is goin out.so is my bro.n my father.everi1 is out.cept me.bgus.my sis just bought me a slippa.she called to ask wat colour i want.tanks.
sheesh.tis sucks.sumting is wrong all over again

Oh my god. He stubbed his toe. And then his family went OUT! AND HIS SISTER CALLED TO ASK HIM WHAT KIND OF SLIPPERS HE WANTS!!!

GET THE KNIVES OUT JIM WE'VE GOT A CODE BLUE




Is it possible to abort a kid when he's fifteen?