Tuesday, June 28

Now that my homeboy Mark Latham is calling Labor leaders a bunch of A-Grade arseholes, it's pretty safe to say that Kim Beazley's time will be up soon. I mean, George Bush barely survived Latham calling him incompetent, and it's only natural that Marky Mark will soon turn his sights on Bomber Beazley. He might even call him fat, I don't know. That's just an idea. It needs a bit of work.

SO, it's only fitting that we examine the contenders for the NEW LEADER OF THE LABOR PARTY in a little post I call:


1. Julia Gillard - Shadow Health Minister

+ Performed solidly in difficult portfolio
+ Has boobies

- Inexperienced outside of Health
- Has no penis (that we know of)

2. Kevin Rudd - Shadow Foreign Affairs Minister

+ Smart, articulate and popular
+ Looks like a vampire, can intimidate Liberals then turn them into the living dead

- Also inexperienced, lacks leadership qualities
- The only man who speaks gayer than Alexander Downer

3. Gavan O'Connor - Shadow Minister for Agriculture and Fisheries

+ Been in parliament since 1993
+ Has cool spelling of 'Gavin'

- Not even Gavan O'Connor knows who the fuck Gavan O'Connor is

4. Simon Crean - Former leader of the Opposition, fucktard

+ Has prior experience as leader of the Opposition
+ Has support in the Labor Caucus

- Is Simon Crean

5. A goat - hollow horned, bearded ruminant mammal of the genus Capra
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

+ Brings fresh, goat-like look to the ALP Leadership
+ Has strong support amongst vital goat demographics
+ 'Vote Goat' is catchy, rhyming slogan
+ Isn't Simon Crean

- Isn't human
- Chews up important national security memos

Well folks, it's a difficult decision but it's one that will eventually have to be made. And then made again six months later when the former Opposition Leader/Goat releases his memoirs.


Monday, June 27

Sometimes I get requests from people for stories to write (one of my mates is always trying to get me to write about cats) and I normally ignore them, but I thought I'd make an exception this week, because the Newcastle Knights finally WON A GAME in the NRL after 294 winless days.

7:45:29 PM
liken it to the hare and the tortoise story where the knights are the tortoise. behind 14-0 and while the hare (ie panthers) were sleeping the tortoise kept going and eventually won the race (game)

But because I can't match that, I'll just throw in this photo of Newcastle captain Joey Johns pretending to wank.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

No wonder he has such good ball skills

Saturday, June 25

An actual 'Letter to the Editor' from the July FOXTEL Magazine:


I am writing to complain about the atrocious wrestling match on May 8 called SmackDown. I was not the only one who was absolutely disgusted about the way three supposedly intelligent individuals were allowed to conduct an anything goes assault on one poor individual.
Now, to my way of thinking you wouldn't recieve this barbaric treatment in a war. The referee and the promotors of this disgusting event should be charged with aggravated assault. This is only encouraging people, and in particular children, to become violent towards one another.

D Gregory, QLD.



From the way that letter is written, I'm going to guess the person who sent it in would be about forty years old, probably more. First of all, 'Smackdown' is the name of the SHOW, not the name of the 'match'. Second of all, what have professional wrestlers ever done to make you think they're 'supposedly intelligent', and third of all 'you wouldn't receive this kind of barbaric treatment in a war'?!

"What happened to you while you were in the prison camp soldier?"

"The Nazis sir... they.... they pretended to kick me, oh god it was horrible sarge, they slapped the sides of their legs to make it sound as if the kicks were actually real but they WEREN'T SARGE!@ THEY WEREN'T REAL!@"

"It's ok son you're safe from those barbarians now"

You know what's worse than encouraging children to be violent? Letting children become grown adults without telling them that PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS FAKE so they write pooncy letters to Foxtel Magazine and use the word 'individual' twice in one sentence.

Nice one, D. Gregory from Queensland. More like.... Dickhead Gregory from QLD.


Friday, June 24

Apparently some people think my Bush impression was shit. Some people think it was even worse than my killer Latham impression. So you know what? I'm going to prove the haters wrong. This week's audio interview is an absolute, pitch-perfect Bush impression. If you can find one single flaw in how I copy his voice, I will give you five dollars.

So without further ado, my return interview with the most powerful monkey in the world, George W Bush (seen here with his scientific advisor)

Use the force, George

The mp3 can be downloaded here

Or if it's broken, you can download a zip file of the interview here

Thursday, June 23

Well I've had a bit of an ideas drought, so I've scraped the bottom of the barrel once again and gotten my good friend, Mac Uni alumni, writer of the PEA and Canterbury Gang-Rapists fan Matt 'Shootz' Sampson to write me a shitty article bagging me out Anyway, here it is, he didn't give a title so I'll just call it


An essay

When Master Tommy asked me to write something that could actually be construed as entertaining to resurrect his floundering web log, I can not say that I was surprised. Long has it been that I have been a respected pillar in the comedy writing field and, despite an unsuccessful yet brief stint writing for the fourth season of Becker, my record is flawless (I was responsible for the episode in which Becker received an unexpected sex change operation, only to have it reversed before the end after spending the majority of the time raising funds by selling compromising photos of Mary Steenburgen. We really just put the camera in front of Ted Danson and the thing wrote itself). Fortunately, I had just had some free time open up, having just been retrenched from my previous job, sitting out the front of train stations and yelling obscenities at my own penis. It’s all business politics, you wouldn’t understand. So, it just seemed like this was all meant to be.

An artist's impression of my previous job

However, which is just a fancy word for ‘but’, I was still at a loss as to what I could write about. Could I write about national economics or the global biosphere? Falling house prices or rising sea levels? Could I write about the fascinating complexities of the human brain, or the emerging discontent with Western regimes in the Middle East? Or would I write about the immensely popular, contemporary and not-at-all-overdone topics of how stupid George W. Bush is, or how Mark Latham was a bit of a yobbo, and then tack some mp3’s on?

In the end I got a bit dizzy from thinking about it all, and possibly also from the McChicken I ate before sitting down to write this, which I suspect was not fresh, seeing as I fished it out of a bin next to a methadone clinic. Actually, I’m not even sure that ‘McChicken’ adequately describes the burger, more like ‘used and discarded prophylactic’. I quickly decided that it was time to fall back on old writing standbys, which make it easy to seem like you’re a good writer, even if you have no talent at all or, as in this case, are quickly sliding into anaphylactic shock.


Unfortunately, I found that most of the cheap gimmicks I am usually able to rely on had been stolen from me..
- Briefly summarising a news article, whilst adding no real commentary of my own.. taken.
- Using jokes that I probably heard on Rove and adding a bad impression of a world leader.. taken.
- Using jokes that I probably heard on Rove and not even attempting a bad impression of a world leader.. taken
- Raping the memory of one of Australia’s greatest screen actors, whose credits include the immortal role of ‘Gramps’ in Charlie the Wonderdog.. taken.
- Harping on about how Fred Basset is not funny.. taken.
- Some crap about wrestling cause wrestling is easy to write about.. taken.

So it looks like I’m fucked and, instead, I’m going to have to fall back on my failsafe – writing about how I can’t think of anything to write about and then just pour absolute drivel onto a page and serve it up as if it was chicken parmigiana (or chicken condom, as my palate has become adjusted to). That seems to be an affliction Master suffers from as well.

Monday, June 20

I haven't posted in a while because, well, to be honest, my heart was broken on Saturday the 18th of June 2005. Sure, me and Katie Holmes haven't seen eye to eye for quite a while now (mainly because I've never met her), but the spark was always there. Even when she was engaged to Oz from American Pie, I knew sooner or later it would all settle down, and she would take her rightful place chained next to me Jabba The Hutt style in holy matrimony.

Nes so fer aus uu Han Sollooooo

At least until she met him.

I mean sure, I haven't starred in awesome movies like Mission Impossible 2, Cocktails and Eyes Wide Shut. Sure I'm not a scientologist. And sure, I haven't gone on the Oprah Winfrey show and raped Oprah



I can't give you marriage proposals on top of the Eiffel Tower like he can. I can't give you millions of dollars and the promise of eternal life if you just give the Church of Scientoligy your gate percentages from Batman Begins, but you know what I can give you? Something that he, with all his money and all his connections, can never give you?

My heart, Katie Holmes.

My heart.

call me.

Thursday, June 16

Aside from my brief fling in the Iraqi Republican Guard (word to my boys Ibrahim and Adil!), I don't know much about torture. Which is why I was a little surprised when I flicked through TIME Magazine this week to find an 'EXCLUSIVE LOOK BEHIND THE WIRE AT GITMO'. See, I used to think torture was all about strapping people to chairs and sticking bamboo shoots below their fingernails, or sleep deprivation, or making them watch an AFL game. But no, I was wrong. Because the Pentagon has no need for that when they can tell a terrorist that he's sadder than a RAT!

11 December 2002 0100:

Detainee was reminded that no one loved, cared or remembered him. He was reminded that he was less the human and that animals had more freedom and love than he does. He was taken outside to see a family of banana rats... moving around freely, eating, playing, showing concern for one another. Detainee was compared to the family of banana rats and reinforced that they had more love, freedom and concern than he had. Detainee began to cry during the comparison.

Now, to me, that sounds a lot like my Year 12 Advanced English classes, but apparently it's what passes for torture these days. And check out this whopper:

13 December 2002 1115:
Interrogators began telling detainee how ungrateful and grumpy he was.

OH SNAP. If telling the crazy Islamofascist that he's 'grumpy' doesn't get him to reveal the financial backing behind his Al Qaeda cell, I don't know what will. But wait there's more.

In order to escalate the detainee's emotions, a mask was made from an MRE box with a smiley face on it and placed on the detainee's head for a few moments. A latex glove was inflated and labeled the 'sissy slap' glove. The glove was touched to the detainee's face periodically after explaining the terminology to him. The mask was placed back on the detainee's head. While wearing the mask, the team began dance instruction with the detainee. The detainee became agitated and began shouting.




So let's get this right.

First they put on a smiley face mask. Then they slap him with an inflated rubber glove. And then they give him dance instructions. I'm pretty sure you're meant to pay by the hour for this stuff, but this emo freeloader gets it for NOTHIN.

And the glove was 'touched to the detainee's face periodically'? I reckon that's U.S Army We Don't Want Any More Shit To Deal With After We Made Human Pyramids In Abu Ghrahib speak for 'we slapped the camel muncher'. And why do they have to call the glove the 'Sissy Slap'? Isn't it bad enough behind slapped by a rubber glove, why does it need a funny name? And who is the sissy, the murdering terrorist willing to kill himself for his cause, or the Army Psychologist 'periodically touching' his face with a freaking RUBBER GLOVE?!

Why can't we just poke them with stuff like we did in the good old days

Tuesday, June 14

If you thought my audio interview with Mark Latham was big news, you ain't seen nothing yet. Or should I have said 'heard nothing yet'. Oh well who gives a shit, because I INTERVIEWED THE PRESIDENT BABAY!#@w

Yeah you read that right, you better pick your jaws up from off the ground because otherwise ants will crawl in them. Yeah.

So here it is, the second TommyIsCoolDotCom audio interview, and the ONLY interview with President Bush on a blog since the dawn of time -

Download here

(or if that one doesn't work, download here)

(or if that one doesn't work, record your own damn interview)

Monday, June 13

If this blog is anything, it's your one-stop source for all news regarding Subway (and And I have in my possession some hot gossip r.e Subway Stamps. Based on a company-wide directive, and beginning sometime this year, Subway will be phasing out the Sub Club cards (the ones you fill up with stamps to get a free sammitch) due to people frauding the system and selling rolls of stamps on eBay or making their own stamps at home. And, because they rejected my killer 'BUY TWO SUBS AND GET AN ASSAULT RIFLE' promotional idea, they're introducing a brand new SWIPE card to register your free subs on.

Because cards with magnetic strips are so 21st century

And while we're on the subject of Subway (insert another word beginning with sub here for witty repetition), if I hear somebody mispronounce 'Parmesan Oregano' one more time I will snap

When I work (eight hours a week baby), I have to listen to retards butcher two pretty simple words

'Hey buddy can I get a uh.. a six-inch... Vinnie Barbarino'




Anyway, that's enough from me. Do you have anything you want to add, star of stage and screen and Australian entertainment icon, Bud Tingwell?

"Suck a fat one Tommy"

Friday, June 10

Hopefully my blog still has readers after that whaling article. Oh well, at least it'll keep the RSPCA off my back for another week (they still haven't found the cats)

ANYWAY. Today's blog article is a few days late. I get the Daily Terrorgraph every morning and read it over my hot chocolate, and for the first few days of this week they ran some stories about THE EVIL HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA

Yes, those damn homos had infiltrated our public schools! They were teaching children horrible things like tolerance, empathy and compassion! They were brain-washing children into thinking that it wasn't 1954, and that it didn't matter what your sexuality was!


How is getting kids to pretend they're wearing homopants any different from any other anti-discrimination project in school? How is it any different from that annoying game where teachers split everyone into groups based on the colour of their eyes, and then treated those with blue eyes really well to make all the kids with brown or green or hazel eyes feel discriminated against?

If this is 'brainwashing and social engineering' as described in the Terrorgraph article, then what does that make Scripture classes in primary schools? How come religious indoctrination at age 6 is alright, but teaching Year 9 kids about how to make their gay buddies NOT commit suicide is BRAINWASHING?

Maybe it would be better if we didn't teach our kids anything about the real world, where there's homos and cross dressers and prostitutes and poor people and immigrants and Muslims and people with AIDS?

Maybe it would be better if we created an entire new generation of backwards, ultra conservative redneck fuckups who don't have a problem with bombing a bunch of Arabs or imprisoning a bunch of refugee's children as long as INTEREST RATES WERE LOW AND THE FAGS WERE KEPT OUT OF OUR SCHOOLS AND FORCED INTO THE ENTERTAINMENT AND INTERIOR DESIGN INDUSTRIES WHERE THEY BELONG

Isn't that right, Carson?

"I don't deserve tolerance!"

Thursday, June 9

Because he's just full of so much creativity (and semen), here's my boy REDACTED with another of his not-as-good-as-Tommy's guest blog articles. This one is about whaling, and is further proof that REDACTED is a left-wing pansy who doesn't like violence and the beautiful taste of whale meat on sandwiches

A Transcript by REDACTED

Ryuhei: Good Evening. We welcome you to In Tokyo Tonight. I am Ryuhei Sasagawa and this is Noriko Nakagawa.

Noriko: Welcome. On tonight’s program, we review the new national school uniform for girls, are they really short enough?

Ryuhei: Also, a recent report discussing the shortage of bleach commonly used for streaking hair has turned many teenage males into a frenzied mob lobbying local parliaments, urging them to increase productions. That story later.

haha mega awesoma tokyo hollywood? agreement!

Noriko: In technology news, a new computer game featuring popular celebrities trying to engage in intercourse with different mammals has quickly become one of the national bestsellers. Also, a new kind of vibrator has been found to occasionally give the user fatal electric shocks during use. We’ll tell you which one in a later story.

it's called the hoink

Ryuhei: But first, research using whales has been a foundation of the Japanese scientific community for decades. However, now our country's esteemed leaders want to increase our research, that means more whales are needed for this to take place. Some evil dogs in other countries have tried to stop us carrying out further research, as they know we will become more powerful than their weak minds can allow. While it is clear to members of our esteemed race that such research is highly beneficial, members of lesser races are feebly trying to stop us it our supreme scientific knowledge.

Noriko: The scientific research in question uses minke whales that are especially suited for scientific purposes. They fit perfectly in the containment section of the research vessels that helps in the research. The scientific discoveries that our beloved country is trying to make using the whales are extensive. Firstly, we are attempting to solve the old question of the existence of super-powered whales which can survive an exploding harpoon to the brain. The technology used by these elusive extra-super-power whales could be vital in any upcoming military ventures our beloved country wants to embark upon. Despite our 100-year peace tradition with America, there may be a need to expand our boarder in the future as a diet of whale meat and dog makes people very fertile.

Ryuhei: Despite the evil westerners belief to the contrary, we are also carrying out these experiments out of compassion for the minke whales. There were reports several years ago that angry Westerners had poisoned some of our beloved wildlife. The reports claimed that the round eyes wanted to kill our beautiful whales. So, as a result, we are trying to ascertain whether or not these reports are correct by catching many whales to make sure they are not poisoned. See, this is an act of love performed out of care for the whales. Once we have made certain that a whale has not been poisoned, we ensure that it did not take part in the scientific process for nothing and so we send them to help our young people also learn. The new Whales Helping Others (W.H.O.) organization takes the tested whale meat to our schools where it is carefully used for more research in the schools.

compassionate scientific research

Noriko: Our beloved country is also concerned with how old the whales are getting. To better understand the life span of the whales, we can take a small chunk from beside the whales’ ear and test how old the whale is. While this can be done without killing the whale, we also want to ensure that older whales taste the same as younger whales so we must bring in the whole whale to compare the two. This is done in the complicated age/taste procedure where the chuck near the ear is eaten by a young wolf. If the wolf passes the whale within 12 hours, then it is deemed to be a relatively young whale. The whales are then chopped into 3-inch steaks (incidently exactly twice the length of the average Japanese erect penis) and distributed all over the countries. If the wolf takes longer to pass the whale, it is an older whale so must be eaten quicker. Esteemed Japanese Doctor Roe carries out this technical process in laboratories. While we only test 1 in every 158 whales, we can determine averages to estimate the ages of the other whales we just eat anyway.

Ryuhei: We’ll be back after these short announcements. You stay classy, Tokyo.

Tommy Sez: I am not putting a link to fucking Greenpeace on my blog

Wednesday, June 8

See, I'm not the kind of guy who's happy just to let technology pass him by. If I'm going to get celebrities like Elisha Cuthbert's Nipples to post blog articles, damn it I'm going to take advantage of it. So that is why, I present to you, the very first TOMMYISCOOLDOTCOM AUDIO INTERVIEW


Click here to download, it's an mp3 so it should play on anybody's comp. If not then leave a comment and I'll see what I can do.

You can also download a zip of it, it's about half the size and all pretty and zipped, and won't cock up like the top download in seven days.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

The following is the third in my series of guest blog articles, this one by my good friend and occassional spooning partner REDACTED, and is titled



After watching Battle Royale yesterday, I gotsta thinking. If the time came when the fan had been hit by all kinds of faecal matter, would I have the minerals to plug someone? Could I snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers?

What about slicing people up with a samurai sword Beatrix kiddo style? I probably could you know. I always thought about how crap those guys in America were, with a TEC-DC9 semi-automatic handgun, a rifle, two sawed-off shotguns, and 99 home made bombs and they only managed to cap 13 people. What they hell is that? It’s the useless actions of unmotivated losers. Anyway, I digress. Could you do it? Do you have the stones?

I decided to run a questionnaire to discover some other people’s ideas on the subjects. However, due to the fact I am a lazy man, possibly the laziest man in all of Eastwood, this proposed extensive questionnaire quickly became just asking lairy drunk people at the pub. 80% of people surveyed had considered killing someone in the past but only 72% ever thought they could actually do it when push came to shove. However, when ANALysing the data, an alarming correlation was found. VB drinkers are 20% more likely than ‘New’ drinkers and 56% more likely than Haagen Light drinkers to be willing to killing someone.

Victoria Bitter - The Silent Killer

Most inneresting of all was that ALL people surveyed with Guinness in hand would be willing to end someone’s life. They would also have only a marginally smaller problem offing women or children. This means that nearly everyone in Ireland is a potential killer. Now I don’t know what you think when you hear this, but I think get them on a boat and send them across the Atlantic (that’s towards America for all you people who are about as well versed on world geography as George Bush) with some potatoes and fire them up with some anti-Catholicism campaigns. Maybe they could be shown Dogma and told it was made in America, by Americans, for Americans, and all the profits from the 20 people that had good enough taste to go see it would stay in America.

Hey fucker, at least I wasn't in Gigli

These enraged and now drunk Irish people (who have probably made some sort of bootleg alcohol from the potatoes, sea water and seagull feet) would storm across America all the way to the White House. Seeing as all American soldiers are busy killing innocent, poor, not white people all over the world, the country should be relatively unguarded. This would mean the Irish could kill all the Americans, and maybe even go find Bush on holiday in Texas and sort him out. You never know.

Asshole in one

Think about it though, cause it would solve several world problems. The angry Irish would no longer be killing each other in Great Britain. America would realize they are not invincible and might stop pissing off the rest of the world for a short time.Bush would be out of office, unless America is so stupid that they elect someone else that’s dead. The catastrophic deaths back home would mean the troops involved in Operation Freedom might allow people in poor, not white countries to be alive instead of free. Americans now in residence all over the world would have to return back to the Fatherland, which or course has the best result out of them all cause they can get the hell out of my uni bar. Yeah.

Tuesday, June 7

As Mark Latham used to say, you gotta get stuck in ridgy didge. He also said 'AAAH MY FREAKING PANCREAS!@', but that's beside the point. If you're doing something, you aim high, you shoot for the stars, which is why I'm proud to announce the first in what I hope to be a series of CELEBRITY guest blog articles! Yes, actual celebrities writing for MY blog, how cool is that. I had originally gotten Russell Crowe to post some of his poetry, but the dude had to go throw a phone at someone in a New York Hotel. So instead, my second choice - the star of the first three seasons of television's smash hit action drama "24" and films such as "The Girl Next Door", ladies and gents a celebrity blog article by ELISHA CUTHBERT'S NIPPLES

Hi everybody. I'm here to talk to you about a very important issue - the ongoing crisis in Sudan. As you may know, I have been campaigning for stronger international pressure on the government of Sudan to take responsibility for the war crimes commited in the Darfur region. The Sudanese Government commited a terrible atrocity last year, and the international community sat silent while thousands of innocents were slaughtered. The word genocide has a lot of meani-

Excuse me for a moment, it's just a little cold in here. I'm all stiff. I might get Elisha to take off her jacket.

That's better. So in summation, Sudan must be brought to justice for their actions. Thank you.

Wow it's really cold in here, I might see if Elisha would like to rub me for a little while, her soft slender fingers tugging at my fir-

OKITHINKWESHOULDSTOPYOURIGHTTHERE. This has been Elisha Cuthbert's Nipples blog entry. For a full transcript, send me your credit card details and proof of age


Monday, June 6

Thought I'd make a post about the Chinese diplomat Chen Yonglin who tried to get political asylum in Australia, because it's actually kind of interesting. I'll let ABC News tell you the important bits:

Downer can grant defector political asylum: lawyer

An immigration lawyer says Foreign Affairs Minister Alexander Downer has the power to grant Chinese diplomat Chen Yonglin political asylum.

Mr Chen says the Immigration Department rejected his application for political asylum, advising him instead to apply for a protection visa.

He has been in hiding, fearing retributions from the Chinese Government, since he defected from his senior post at the Chinese Consulate in Sydney more than a week ago.

He claims his Government has up to 1,000 spies operating in Australia who have been kidnapping Chinese nationals.


One THOUSAND Chinese spies in Australia! Sure, half of them are at Sydney Uni doing Actuary degrees, but that's still 500 spies lurking around, keeping tabs on Chinese ex-pats and doing maths homework. The number shocked me so much in fact, that I thought I'd do a little digging around with my contacts in Sydney, and you won't believe what I found.

I have, in my posession, the names of three of the Chinese spies. Sure, I can't pronounce them, but that doesn't matter because it's the INTERNET BABY.

The names are as folloSDKFFLKJDSKFD




Herro. This is Tommy. I no ronger have names of Chinese spies because there are no Chinese spies. The glorious motherrand has no need for such Western inventions. China is a greaming beacon for the workers of the world, with absolutely no prans to develop nucrear weapons nor to invade Taiwan any time soon. Chinese President Hu Jintao has a massive schrong. It is ridicrously huge. You can trust me because I am Tommy and not a Chinese information anaryst who has knocked him out with a kung-fu chop because all Asians know kung-fu it's science.


Xhang Ng- Tommy.

This post has no point and is completely useless

Kind of like this guy

I got a new toothbrush the other day. The thing with toothbrushes is, they really aren't hard to get right. You have a piece of plastic and some bristles at the end, it's not rocket surgery. But try telling that to the toothbrush police. No, they're not happy with plain old toothbrushes. They think toothbrushes need things like rubber grips', polishing bristles, rubber gum cleaners, and my personal favourite - tongue cleaners. If I wanted a clean tongue, I'd go over my mouth with a scotch brite in the mornings. And I'd also stop licking the handrails at primary schools.

What else. Today is my mate Gumby's TWENTY FIRST BIRTHDAY. Happy birthday Gums. In case you don't know him, guy's the TITS. I feel kinda old now my mates are turning 21. It seems like only yesterday we were in Year 10, held captive in Michael Jackson's basement, our screams of terror the only sound echoing through the dank, dark chamber. The creeping footsteps of our captor wakes us in our sleep as his hands poke at our fresh wounds, the physical souvenirs of our constant abuse. I lay on the cold concrete floor, gripping my thin blanket. The dead bodies of our friends lay in the corner, a thick stench of death permeating from their soiled clothes. I shut my eyes tight, pulling the blanket over my bruised neck.

One day we will be saved.

One day Tony Danza will return like the prophecy said

One day

Thursday, June 2

A guest blog, by Richie

Well folks now it's time for the second in my series of Guest Blog Articles, this one is by my good friend Richie, who has decided to post one of his university projects. It is entitled 'I Like Cats'

Ladies and Gentlemen, 'I Like Cats' by Richie, orginally in the medium of crayon and paper

I Like Cats
A Project by Richie

My uni is UWS. For my really big project I have chosen the subject of cats. I like cats. Their fluffy. I got a cats. I like cats cause their fluffy.

One day i'm going to buy fore cats and make them have sex and have lots and lots and lots moore baby cats. Their fluffy too. Then I will be in catland and I will call my room Catland and I will live their and be happy forever

Love Richie

Wednesday, June 1

Last night I was watching The O.C and Rove LivJDSFLKDJLERFEW

Sorry I just got struck by lightning

Anyway I was watching Rove LivL23EKDUFKCK2FUCKFUCKF

Damn it it happened again

I was watching the show that comes after The O.C, and it got a bit crap so I had a flick around and found a show called 'The Afghan Alphabet' on SBS. Before you ask, no, it wasn't half an hour of the Count from Sesame Street spelling words like 'Kabul', 'Usama' and 'Carpet Bombing'. It was a fifty minute documentary made by some Iranian dude who visited villages along the border of Iran and Afghanistan to find out why so few children went to school (only 5% of girls and 20% of boys went to school in Afghanistan, even before the Taliban).

The thing that struck me was a scene of a class full of young Afghani girls, only about 10 or 11 years old, all in burqas, being taught how to spell. For those of you who don't worship the mighty prophet Muhammed, a girl wearing a burqa looks a little something like a Jawa from Star Wars:

nee pukka luk tuk

Now, one Afghani girl (I forget her name so let's call her Usama Jr.) absolutely refused to remove the veil around her face, even though the rest of the class had done so. And sure, maybe this girl was a bit of a fugmo and didn't want to show her face for the nice digital camera in case the lens broke because she's so damned ugly, but her excuse was that 'It is a sin to reveal my face'. This went on for another five minutes, with the teacher and the director asking Usama Jr. to remove her veil, but she outright refused. When the teacher asked her who told her revealing her face was a sin, she said 'Mullah Omar' (the former Taliban leader/camel fucker), who said that the wise prophet Muhammed kept his WIFE IN A BOX to ensure nobody ever layed eyes on her, and only let her out of her box so he could 'smell' her.


So, this poor girl is depriving herself of the opportunity to learn how to read and write, her only opportunity to break the cycle of poverty and maybe not get placed in a box by her husband, all because she's been told a blatant lie by a guy who looks like Ned Kelly's evil muslim twin

durka durka muhammed jihad

And here I was thinking my school tried to brainwash me