Wednesday, August 29

Defenders Of The Earth! DEFENDERS!

I can't be the only one who read this on ABC News:





And thought it meant this:


He's a cool dude.



And now, after the first Billy Zane reference on TommyIsCoolDotCom, Tommy is proud to present this, the first in the range of Billy Zane Blog Reference trading card memorabillia. Collect all 293.



Monday, August 27

Looking Back #1 - The TommyIsCool Victims

I start my new job tomorrow, so blogs may become less frequent, or at least happen on different days. The blog isn't closing or anything crazy though - as long as John Howard is still Prime Minister, I feel a patriotic obligation to hate on him.

But I thought, as the blog enters a new, employed era, that I would take a stroll down memory lane. A bit of a Where Are They Now, just without Kochie and the dyke. In this installment, we take a look back at the TommyIsCool victims, the people who I've mercilessly crushed with my witty rejoinders and words like 'rejoinders'.




Our first gravestone in this stroll down memory lane? Our old favourite, Taco Girl. You might remember her for the '100 Things You Don't Know About Taco Girl' blog, where she told us that she loves sour cream, has an eating disorder, got knocked up by a convicted felon, hates her husband and is incapable of being happy. And Owen Wilson thinks he has it bad.

Almost two years later, and Taco Girl has changed a lot. She still has an eating disorder, hates her husband and got knocked up by a convicted felon, but now she hates her children too!




I don't feel guilty. It's obviously the child's fault for wanting to spend time with their friends and not their psychologically abusive step-father.

Up next, another target from two years ago - Razali Ali, the world's lamest emo. He's the one who came up with emo-tastic gems such as:


my toe is bleedin.stupid.hit it against the wall.my mom is goin out.so is my bro.n my father.everi1 is out.cept me.bgus.my sis just bought me a slippa.she called to ask wat colour i want.tanks.
sheesh.tis sucks.sumting is wrong all over again

It requires incredible skill to get emo over selecting the colour of slippers, but somehow he did it. Sadly, my comprehensive owning of Ali forced him to take his own life, as his blog comes up with an error.



Victim #3 is is an example of the rehabilitation services offered by TommyIsCoolDotCom. You might remember xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCOREx. He was the subject of the wildly successful Emos In The Wild series of blogs. When we first met Jaren, before he got the IsCool treatment, he looked like this:


jaren trying to cut himself with amplified sound waves


But, 18 months later, Jaren is completely cured of any emo-icity. He even set his MySpace to private, proving that he no longer feels the urge to share his poetry with a wide audience of like-minded souls in the rivers of despair. Check him out:

i'd hit it


See that? His mood is BOUNCY. He appears to be typing in his underwear, with no hair over his eyes, and is that a smile I see? Yes.


So what have we learnt? What good has my blog achieved? Let's add it up.

  • 0% reduction in eating disorders amongst self-hating emotionally traumatised women
  • 0.02% increase in Worldwide Emo Suicide
  • 50% Emo rehabilitation rate


I am doing God's work.

Friday, August 24

The Fall Of Howard: Wiki Wiki Wild Wild West

There's nothing sadder than the people who edit and moderate Wikipedia. I get the ones that may contribute to a page about a certain hobby or something, but what about the ones writing the entry for the word "here"? Who feels so strongly about a word that they'll make a Wiki entry for it?

Anyway, the Prime Minister's office has joined in on the action, making 126 edits to Wikipedia. I take such an offense personally, considering another giant Wiki tool deleted Matt's awesome Derek Granger entry.


Don't think I've forgotten, Wine-o.


But the PM's office isn't just editing disparaging remarks about Peter Costello, they're interested in a whole bunch of ways to waste taxpayer's money. For one, they have a strange, almost sexual obsession with the Gang-gang Cockatoo (Not be confused with the Gang-Bang Cockatoo, which is the secondary mascot of the Canterbury Bulldogs). They also edit entries on Fictional Foods and Beverages in Star Trek, something called Snub hexagonal tiling, and show a keen interest in Andrew Gaze's career.


The only other person to show an interest in Andrew Gaze's career? Andrew Gaze.


But all that's just sad.

The comedy gold is in their edit of the 'Mandatory detention in Australia' entry. According to the Prime Minister's office, the inhumane conditions in detention camp aren't actually inhumane, they're not even allegedly inhumane, they're "allegedley inhumane". And Tampa and the Boat People didn't 'help win' John Howard the election, rather "some commentators argume that it helped John Howard win the election".

The argume, of course, is the distant relative of the legume, and is enjoyed as a snack by Liberal Party hacks who like to rewrite history so their boss isn't a xenophobic cocksmoker.

Although, in the interest of fairness, I think some other politicians have been editing Wikipedia too.

Wednesday, August 22

D├ętente is a fancy French word that History teachers use to look smart when they could just use an English word

I'm kind of Jewish when it comes to the War On Terror. I loved the Old Testament (Afghanistan), but I don't really care so much for the sequel. I stole that from some guy. I forget who.

To me, Afghanistan was about as justified a war as you can get these days. It was blowing up people who'd blown up our ally, people who were running one of the most oppressive, fundamentalist regimes since the Howard Government (sorry, it's an election year), and it also helped secure oil for my Corolla. That's three ticks. Four if you count the fact they weren't white.


This is totally what e-mail looks like



But we never really won in Afghanistan. And I think that's a little weak, considering it's not exactly a quagmire over there. You don't have to send soldiers to clear buildings street by street, because there are no buildings. Or streets. Or non-goat transportation.

I'm no 5-Star General, but I do have about 6 years experience watching The West Wing, and I'm pretty sure we could win that war. We could have captured Osama, dressed the Taliban up like Jessica Rabbit and then held a big party in the middle of Kabul. We would eat hot dogs. Britain would bring dip.

So, when I read this, I get a little confused:


The few weeks between the visits to Pakistan of Richard Boucher, the US assistant secretary of state who left last week, and Deputy Secretary of State John Negroponte, who arrives on September 10, could prove crucial in determining the fate of Afghanistan. This is the timeline for secret three-party talks to establish teega (a Pashtu word for a peace deal that resolves a conflict) between the Western coalition forces in Afghanistan (with Pakistan), the Afghan government, and the anti-coalition insurgents of Afghanistan. The first round of talks has already begun in the southwestern Pakistani city of Quetta, Asia Times Online has learned.

Link courtesy of The Road To Surfdom.


In other words, we're negotiating peace with the Taliban. The same Taliban who dress women up like Jawas from Star Wars, the same ignorant religious fuckballs who turned Afghanistan from a rotting shitpool into a rotting shitpool where you can't watch TV or blink on whatever holy day weirdo extremist Muslims have chosen for you.


Afghanistan's hottest two porn stars.

They were later killed.


The World Superpower and Britain and Australia, owners of the baddest mofo SAS troops on the planet, are negotiating with a bunch of guys whose primary mode of attack is 'Pray really hard'. Fuck that. Blow the shit out of them, or hand the Super Power tag over to Russia so they can show you how it's done.

Monday, August 20

The Fall Of Rudd (on to some chick's lap)

Well, the leading political news of the day is Kevin Rudd's trip to Scores in New York, so sadly, I'm going to have to put up a relevant picture.

yes mr. rudd, please tell us more about the trade deficit


I think this is hilarious. I love the idea of Rudd at a strip club, pissed off his rocker, yelling in Mandarin to a bunch of single mothers. Surely something about 'an education revolution.... in my PANTS', or just a 'Hello, my name is Kevin, and I'm here to help..........YOUR TITTIES.' (Rudd is a big fan of the dramatic pause)

Or maybe he actually visited a male strip club, which is where he got 'hairy-chested beating' from.

We will never know.

I'd like to think Australia isn't so conservative that this will hurt K-Rudd come election time. I mean, aside from the hilarious hypocrisy of a Christian socialist watching poor lower-class sluttos shake what God gave/evolved them, it's not too earth-shattering. If anything, it reminds us of Bob Hawke, who was so awesome that he installed a stripper poll at Kirribilli House.

And at least it explains the Kevin07 Bumper Stickers.


Friday, August 17

ogmgomgogmogmgomgomgomgomg

Nobody told me I could make POLLS

VOTE IN MY POLL!@#


on my poll more like it am i rite



VOTE NOW~!






Wednesday, August 15

The Fall Of Howard - Costellemo Strikes Back

When I first decided to do a series of blogs called 'The Fall Of Howard', I didn't think it would be so freakin' easy.

Three senior Canberra gallery journalists, including the ABC's Michael Brissenden, say they met with Mr Costello over dinner in early 2005.

They say the Treasurer told them Mr Howard could not win the election and he would "destroy" his leadership if he [Mr Howard] was still Prime Minister by 2006.

Brissenden says Mr Costello's office called the journalists one day after the conversation and asked for the comments to be placed 'off the record'. He says the journalists reluctantly agreed.

- ABC News


Hilarious. I've said it before, but Peter Costello is the biggest pussy in Australian politics. Ok, I totally don't think I've ever said that, but come on. Remember when he teared up at the press conference around Howard's 163rd birthday a few years back, when John announced he was staying on? Or when that 'leadership agreement note' came out? If Costello wanted to be PM, he could be PM. Whether it's by a challenge or two, or by baiting Howard into the path of an incoming bus with the promise of arthritis medicine, it wouldn't take much.




"Get that fucking iPod out of my face," Costello remarked to reporters.


But the funniest thing to come out of this isn't picturing John Howard saying 'Fuckin cunt' when he read his newspaper this morning, it's this quote:

"I think the public are sick of this sort of stuff... you think the public would believe journalists over Peter Costello?" Mr Downer said.


Comedy Gold, Mr. Downer.

Monday, August 13

Ben Ikin: Friday Night Fuckhead - A Commentary By Matt and Tommy

The Channel Nine NRL Commentary Team is a lot like a family. You have the patriarch, Ray 'Rabs' Warren. The cool dad Sterlo. The funny uncle Fatty Vautin. The funnier brother Matty Johns. And starting this year, Ben Ikin, the cousin you haven't seen in a while because the family is ashamed of him and have been keeping him in a special facility out of the state but now even the facility doesn't want him so he's moved back home but you know it won't last long because either his parents will freak out and murder him or he'll accidentally drown himself in a corn silo.

For those of you who don't know Ben Ikin, he is best known for sucking off Broncos coach Wayne Bennett on a bi-weekly basis.

Unfortunately, some idiotic temp at Channel Nine recently decided to slap a pair of faggy glasses on him ('fagtacles' for short) and give Ben a microphone that was actually plugged in.

Here's an example of Ikin's commentary from a few weeks ago. To set the stage, The Canterbury Bulldogs are playing a team that doesn't rape. They've just scored and Hazem El Masri, Allah's Gift To Goal Kicking, is lining up the conversion. Hazem is currently in a little bit of a funk, kicking 95% instead of 97%.





Over to you, Ben.


Hazem is in a real goal-kicking slump at the moment...


Hazem kicks the conversion successfully.


The slump is over!


Later, Hazem misses the final goal of the match. What does Ben say?


Hazem is sliding back into the form slump that we'd seen earlier this year...



...


Like, it makes sense because the guy's suppressing the memory of an entire life wasted, so an 80 minute football match must seem like the kind of time period that you can do some trend analysis on. But for those of us who don't have mutated freak heads and a cock for a brain, it only makes for some piss poor commentary.

Like this:


Ben on the sideline...

Yeah thanks Rabs, the Titans are currently on four points after that try from Scott Prince. If they can get this conversion, they'll get another two points which will put them on a total of six.

Expert commentary, from Ben Ikin.



But Ben doesn't just opine on rugby league. He's also been known to commentate on his daily life.


Yes, and now the girl is now sucking my penis. I certainly seem to be enjoying it. I am really worried about ejaculating too early and not only surprising and disappointing her but also causing her to vomit, which might result in an early end to this encounter.

Do you have to speak?

Yes. And I didn't just nut in your mouth early. That was...that was you.




Poor Ben. Though, none of this changes the fact that most people would rather go down on Gus Gould than meet Ben Ikin in person and not kill him.

Friday, August 10

The Fall Of Howard - I Will Push The Motherfucker

Are Kevin Sorbo and Naomi Robson the same person? Boredomistan reports, you decide.

But enough plugs. Today's blog is about a threat to my livelihood.

As you know, this blog has annual revenue well in the tens, but that could once again be threatened, thanks to those fat cats in Canberra.


JOHN Howard is going to spend $189 million on "cleaning up the Internet" for Australian families, blocking pornography, upgrading the search for chatroom sex predators and cutting off terror sites. Every Australian family will be provided with a free internet filter and the federal Government will enter an unprecedented partnership with service providers to filter pornography at the source.


As I alluded to earlier with my clever combination of the words 'once' and 'again' (an IsCool exclusive), this isn't the first time a politician has proposed this. Nor is it the first time I've blogged about it. A certain Kim Beazley once had the same idea, and we all know what happened to him:


Kim Beazley fat joke courtesy of Wil Anderson


As I mentioned earlier, if this goes ahead, chances are my blog is going to be blocked to a few thousand families. There's pictures of boobs, references to cocks, vaginas, side boobs and far too many references to underage girls from Neighbours. Without the crucial 6-18 demographic, my blog will collapse.

So Howard, you want to shut me down? Well, take a look at this:


please don't send me e-mail



I bought a Kevin Rudd T-Shirt for $7. And I'm going to wear it... to....the shops. And stuff. And maybe the gym. So suck it.


Yeah.


Time's up, old man.

Wednesday, August 8

Wednesday Lols


Clicks Me To Make Me Big

Monday, August 6

Better 100 Biters Go Free..

Some of you may not know this, but I bleed blue and white. No, I do not need a doctor, nor am I a Smurf. Rather, I am a Canterbury Bulldogs supporter. Although I think I am one-eighth Smurf, apparently because my great grandmother had a thing for little people.

In addition to being an accomplished medical practicioner, I am also a keen student of the law and, as Sydney's lebanese community isn't overflowing with lawyers, I have been appointed as Brad Morrin's legal defence (or his legal 'back-rower', if you will) for his upcoming match against the NRL Judiciary.


Brad will front the judiciary wearing a state-of-the-art mouthguard, designed specially for his appearance.


For those of you who aren't au fait with le league de rugby, over the weekend my client, Mr Morrin, joined the ranks of Fuifui 'FootballPlayerFootballPlayer' Moimoi, much-loved Ugandan dictator Idi Amin, perforated former US president John F. Kennedy and half a plane load of Brazillian football hooligans (who were just looking for an excuse, anyway) in succumbing to the sweet, sweet taste of human flesh.

We could be in for some tough times ahead - the Judiciary have an excellent home ground advantage, having won nearly all of their games there this year. From the match report last week, the only reason they lost the game against the Andrew Ryan's was because they were afraid that someone would say the word 'testicles' and gave up before half-time. Below, I have given a list of the legal defences we plan to use in the inevitable clearing of my client; we list them here in the hopes that the Judiciary will read them and become paralysed with fear at the indisputable arguments we present.


Cannibalism has been practiced for centuries, as this picture from the middle ages shows.


The 'Nip/Tuck' Defence:
Everyone knows the phenomenon of Tuckshop-Lady-Arms. As you ask for your 30c Zooper Dooper, the lady in the canteen pulls it out of the freezer, cuts the top off it with a large pair of scissors (sometimes taking too much Zooper Dooper with it which, in this lawyer's opinion, should result in a refund) and reaches over to hand it to you. As she does, the large fold of skin under her arm, which has not seen any muscle or flesh in it for years, begins to ripple. Maybe a kid further down the line sneezes, the wind reaches the dangling skin and shakes it like an infant that won't stop crying. Before you know it, the bat-wing has ruptured and varicose veins are flying, taking kids' eyes out and causing massive structural damage to the building. Morrin was obviously concerned about something similar happening to Tahu and decided to begin the long reconstruction process.

The 'He Was Hungry' Defence:
Rugby League is played flat-out for 80 minutes and you need all the energy you can get. With oranges being discouraged at half-time now, because of lactic acid or something, the fleshy, scrumptious-looking underarm of Tahu must have been irrestistable to almost anybody.


We go before the judiciary with never-before-seen 'Morrin Cam' where we recreate, using MS Paint, what we think Brad saw that day.


The 'He's a Complete and Total Spastic' Defence:
In this defence, we illustrate that Morrin obviously suffers a learning impairment, can't play football and hopefully get him transferred somewhere shithouse, like the Roosters.

Friday, August 3

Haneef

I can't say I've been following this Mohamed Hanfeef story. I can only give so much attention to Indians at once, and my quota was filled by The Great Khali becoming the World Champion on Smackdown. But Haneef's case raises a wider point. A wider point for me to bitch about.

Even the most blatant Howard supporters (all 3 that are left) will admit that Haneef's case was handled horribly. Whether blame lies at the fault of the police, or the DPP, or the Government, it was a case more poorly constructed than a bridge in Minnesota than a bridge in a completely different location.

Mohamed Haneef


But there are some people who, even if Haneef was proven to be a terrorist scumbag, would have proclaimed his innocence. Haneef could have had blood and plastic explosive smeared on his birth certificate, and they'd have still complained about his arrest.

You know the type. The cliche hippy. The ones who won't complain if an Aussie is wrongfully locked up for murder, but will claim government conspiracy if a Muslim is given a parking fine.

hey'll save their protesting for Israel's treatment of Palestine (the same country that elected Hamas to government), yet will stay quiet when Saddam gasses Kurds, or when the Taliban treats women like Pigs With Benefits, or when Islamic fundamentalists blow up shit.

It's like... I'm glad you have a social conscience, but either bitch at EVERY injustice (and not just the ones involving Americans and Jews), or shut the fuck up.


Thank you.



And God Bless America.

Wednesday, August 1

So...



That chick on the new Workplace Authority ads seems like a bit of a bitch.