Wednesday, July 13

The 24-stravaganza continues tonight on Channel Seven, with a double episode beginning at 8:30 tonight, meaning Jack Bauer goes head to head with Dr House on Channel Ten, Horatio from CSI Miami on Channel Nine and Dateline host George Negus on SBS. All terrific fictional characters. So without further ado (indeed, even without further adon't), here is Part Two of My Guide to 24, which I will call:


part two
a joint collaboration (even though I wrote most of this one) by Tommy and Matt 'DAMN IT CHLOE GET ME THE FILES!@#w' Sampson

The other major setting for 24, aside from the dark, dank offices of CTU from which no light enters nor escapes, is the office of the President. Season's One to Three of 24 followed the rise of Senator David Palmer from Presidential hopeful to President to President Who Chooses Not To Run For A Second Term Because He Tried To Cover-Up His Evil Ex-Wife's Role In The Death Of A Wealthy Campaign Contributer Who Tried To Blackmail Palmer Into Firing His Brother Who Had An Affair With Said Wealthy Campaign Contributer's Hot Trophy Wife. Pretty standard stuff really.

Over the last three seasons of 24, David Palmer has been black, divorced his scheming wife, been removed from office by his cabinet for refusing to go to war under false pretences and replaced as President by Caleb from the O.C, had his Presidency held ransom by a pooncy British terrorist, was almost assassinated three times, been the victim of a biological attack that left him with scarred hands and has been Jack Bauer's closest ally in Washington. He is also black.

David 'Black' Palmer

Although some argue that Jack Bauer was created by divine intervention, the love child of Rambo, James Bond, Batman and little-known Marvel comic book hero The Green Lantern, this is false. Jack Bauer is human. And those four characters are all male, and no matter how hard you try, guys just can't get pregnant. Trust me. Proof of Jack's humanity comes in the form of his hotty mchotty lotty fotty hotty sheisreallyprettyi'dliketoseeherti- super hotty daughter/former porn star, Kim Bauer.

Kim has been a regular visitor to my blog (and my BED HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAahahahhahahahahahahheylookitsattheotherendofthescreen) , however she is much more than an excuse to post pictures of Elisha Cuthbert's nipples. Indeed, Kim has been part of many awesome 24 moments, some of which have absolutely nothing to do with her nipples. Yes, Kim nipples are nippling at the nipples of some of nipples best nipples. Nipple Chase, Jack's sidenipple dated Kimnipple behind Jack's nipple, leading to some nipple between the two in Season Nipple. Though Nipple Bauer isn't a star of Season 4, she is a true 24 nipple, and her nipples will live in our nipplemory fornipple.

Quick little girl, hide in my nipples

Of course, Kim Bauer isn't the only girl in 24. There's CTU Agent Michelle Dessler, the recently deceased Sherri Palmer, and Mandy, the hot terrorist who keeps popping up. But there is also another female in 24. A female so annoying, we cannot refer to her without a swear word in the middle. Her name is...

Chloe Fucking O'Brien
a thesis by matt sampson

Chloe Fucking O'Brien is by far the worst, yet somehow enduring, addition to the CTU staff. Normally people with irritating personalities are written out of the show (Hammond, Walsh, Paula, Jamey etc.) but there's some unfathomable groundswell of support for this unfunny trollop so she's managed to hang on by the skin of her stilted and bad-acting teeth. What she does at CTU is anyone's fucking guess, but because she's obviously giving regular head to a producer, whatever computer emergency comes up, she's automatically an expert in it. Fighting viruses, positioning satellites, looking severely unattractive.


Even simple shit, like listening to radio transmissions from Jack and Chase, if there's anything that requires circuit boards, suddenly she's irreplacable. There is only truly good Chloe moment in all of 24, and it came towards the end of season three, and right at the peak of my inescapable hatred for the frown-faced tart. She was persistently whining about some boring shit, like she always is, when Tony Cool-As-All-Shit Almeida turned to her and delivered the killer blow:

"Chloe, I'm getting really tired of your personality."

Damn fucking right, hobag, and every fucking other thing about you too, right down to your baby-kidnapping ways and flabby, lacklustre face. I hope you drown in a pool of your own shit.

And finally, to help new viewers, here is a list of the Top Twenty-Four Rules of 24.

  1. Important stuff only ever happens at 58 past the hour.
  2. Jack Bauer is always right. If you think Jack Bauer is wrong, you are wrong and should kill yourself now to save time. If you do kill yourself, ensure your suicide takes place at 58 past the hour.
  3. If you work at CTU and are not a field agent, then get asked to go 'into the field', you will most certainly be shot or killed. Make sure you express your discomfort about going into the field before you leave, to add dramatic tension and sense of injustice to your inevitable death/injury.
  4. By Hour 13, 24 dies in the arse. Though this is quickly remedied by about Hour 17, Hours 13-16 are the 24 equivalents of Seasons 9 onwards of The Simpsons. You still watch them because it's a good show, but it hurts to watch. On the plus side, even the worst, most poorly-written hours of 24 are still funnier than new episodes of The Simpsons.
  5. Previously stated in Part One of the guide, but if you are the Head of CTU, you are DOOMED. Quit IMMEDIATELY.
  6. Informants will always be shot mysteriously before they can reveal the location of the bomb/terrorist/cougar
  7. If you are introduced at the start of the episode, or events take place that remind everyone how crucial you are to the running of CTU, you will inevitably be killed or disabled in the next 50 minutes.
  8. If you are chasing a terrorist or terrorists and your vehicle is disabled, do not worry, for another car will be waiting nearby (often stocked with a range of weapons and ammunition). It will always be a large, black Ford.
  9. If you are involved in terrorist activity and are captured by CTU, you will always be able to extort a Presidential Pardon which will be signed and delivered to you within twenty minutes, no matter how insignificant the information you barter with is.
  10. If you are an unamed CTU agent, and you tag along for a dangerous mission with Jack Bauer, you will be killed, and fall within five feet of Jack, who will always be safely tucked behind a conveniently placed steel box. Jack will then kill the remaining bad guys without aiming or reloading.
  11. Once you work at CTU, you will always remember every code to lock and unlock every door, and they are never changed.
  12. Clearance to work on a 'provisional basis' at CTU is given out free with popcorn.
  13. If you are a local cop or sheriff in 24, you have an 89% chance of not living through the hour.
  14. CTU has a network of hardware suppliers whose logos are so interesting, for several seconds each hour, characters will be prone to looking at them and seeming interested, or drawing them close to their face to ensure they're in shot. Same goes for useless video-phones whose manufacturer logos are bigger than their screens.
  15. If you are romantically entangled with Kim Bauer, you will receive a massive injury to a limb, typically resulting in amputation.
  16. CTU only ever employs one Asian employee.
  17. One of every four bad guys Jack Bauer shoots who is carrying an automatic rifle will spray it into the air as he dies.
  18. If you are a member of President Palmer's staff, there is a 93% chance you will either attempt to betray him, or sleep with him.
  19. Conveniently, there are several three to four minute periods in each hour where everyone involved in plots surrounding the terrorist threat will get the majority of their driving done and say absolutely nothing constructive to each other. Then, at the end of such periods, they will recap what was said before the three minute period began to someone, who will nod and have a look of concentration on their face, even though there is absolutely no new information being communicated.
  20. Jack Bauer can access crucial information from any computer in the world by tapping on the keyboard with one hand.
  21. The offices used by the President must always have at least four television screens mounted on the wall. At least one of them must be showing Fox News.
  22. Though they are all highly trained in deception, stealth and counter-terrorism, all CTU employees do 'shifty eyes' when receiving sensitive phone calls. If they are taking a call on the ground floor of CTU, they will always glance upwards at the office of the CTU Director.
  23. Although the nature of the work at CTU is intense, difficult and often life-threatening, the CTU recruitment process ensures that only the most unfit, jittery, secretly evil, personality-impaired or accident prone computer analysts will get the open positions.
  24. Field agents and CTU directors are made of such high-caliber moral fiber that, no matter what the crisis - be it blowing a colleague's head off, having a friend get crushed by bomb debris, being drugged and beaten, having ankles snapped, having hearts stopped, being shot in major arteries, being addicted to a dangerous narcotic, murdering thirty people, having spouses possibly infected by deadly viruses, having children kidnapped, being brutally beaten, taking people hostage, etc. etc. - they are able to get over it almost instantly and show absolutely no ill effects apart from several hours later where they may put their heads in their hands and think about it, just so the writers can show they haven't forgotten.

The following closing line takes place from 7:49pm to 7:50pm, on July 13 2005. Events occur in real time.


Anonymous said...

Your blog is so funny

Jack Bauer said...

This blog sucks.

Anonymous said...

yeah tommy. stop writing about fucking 24. its almost as crap as lost

Anonymous said...

jack would never say that

millersnose said...

leftist blogs suck

Anonymous said...

I think you forgot that no matter how long between seasons, CTU never keeps the same staff. Exceptions to this rule are Chloe, Tony, Michelle and of course Jack himself!!!

Anonymous said...

The difference between that rule and the rules of the post, though, is that their rules are funny and insightful, and yours is shit.

AN said...