Monday, May 30

Because of popular demand (two people), I thought I'd whip up a post about Schapelle Corby's sentence. What you guys mightn't know about me is that I spent 4 years in Indonesia practicing law (at the firm of Hindraytti, Sungkar and Tommy), so I reckon I should be able to explain why our Schapelle got twenty in the slammer. Or as they call it in Indonesia, the slammerwati

You see, Schapelle looks like this:

Schapelle being informed she is white

Now you might be able to see in that photo, if you look hard enough, that Schapelle is what we in the legal profession called 'white'. In Indonesia, if you want to be deemed not guilty for drug smuggling or for murdering a few hundred people in a nightclub bombing including 88 Australians, you have to look more like this:

Abu Bakar Bashir, mastermind of the Bali Bombings, posing for the latest issue of TV Week

I really think that's where Schapelle's legal team let her down. I mean, all they needed to do was implement what I call the Al Jolson defense. I whipped this up in a few minutes, and it's not really courtroom standards, but you get the idea:

Michael Jacks- Schapelle Corby

In regards to my Schapelle Corby sweepstakes, nobody chose the correct, hidden option of 'Schapelle gets twenty years, then her fugmo yobbo Mum yells at the judge as Schapelle gets escorted through a mob of journos and cameramen who keep yelling her name like she will stop and give them all ten minute interviews', so nobody wins I'm afraid. Instead, I will keep all the money and spend it on my latent addiction to Texas BBQ Pringles

p..s naomi robson says fuck

Friday, May 27

Back when I was younger, I used to love reading the comics on the back page of the Daily Telegraph, just under the TV Guide. They used to run comics like Garfield and Swamp, and were always good for a laugh. But, they also used to run another comic. A cartoon about a dog and its daily thoughts. The cartoon was called Fred Basset.

Fred Basset was an evil comic.

It was a comic so brutally unfunny, so consistently and blatantly horrible that it defied belief. I can't even begin to describe how bad Fred Basset was, so I will let Fred do that for you himself.

How is this funny?!

'Jim I've got this idea for a great comic. 'Dogs like chocolate'
'Mike that's incredible, you should have a sydnicated comic that runs in every newspaper in the world'

And if that wasn't bad enough

The only thing Fred Basset forgets there is the PUNCH LINE

And when all else fails, when the cartoonist is all out of completely un-funny situations to put this completely un-funny dog in, this fucker Basset resorts to the cheapest comedy available - making fun of retards

What an ass

And this comic is like fifteen years old! Printed EVERY single day! For fifteen years!@ The only thing that has been that consistently unfunny for that long is Rove McManus!@

The world is a horrible place

Thursday, May 26

Well folks I promised you SPECIAL GUEST BLOGGERS and I've delivered, here with the very first guest article is my good friend and duck hunting partner MC SCOTTY


When Batman Doesn't Return Your Calls

Now I am not one to talk about worldly events, or as Fox News likes to call it ‘communist propaganda’, but it is time to confront a problem as old and elitist as 3-unit English.

Giving murderers cool names is only encouraging the problem. If you call someone the ‘Beltway Sniper’ (or to us: Highway Sniper) they have a cool name and subsequently a reputation to uphold. Giving someone a cool title gives them instant status and fame, so how about giving them a name so bad that they will want to quit: because there is no point being remembered if you don’t have as much respect and street cred as someone with a pimped out ride. If you take this to the other extreme and give them a name like the ‘Beltway Ass Clown’ then the homicidal maniac would not want to continue pursuing a career that the general news watching public considers relating to clowning of the anal variety.

The Unabomber title wins instant poker respect. Unabomber was originally the name of Ted Kaczynski, a man who for 18 years killed and injured innocent people with homemade explosives. Now Unabomber is another catchy title that gets a man respect and arguably may encourage him to maintain his reputation through crime… or he may simply be a sick psychotic bastard, but let us put that aside for a second. Putting our theory into action let’s call him ‘rich dawg’. Now the individual has almost no street and/or poker cred.

So I bet you are asking yourself, sure you have a valid point here… but I want to know what the speed of dark is. Well in that case you can go vote for Labor. For those of you who question the authenticity of Dr Dre’s medical credentials, read on.

Now I am not going to sit idly by and let this trend happen. Such names have the potential to get you, the reader, instant popularity with the middle-aged emo girl demographic. So I have fulfilled my civil duty and registered the following names, now available for purchase on eBay: Explosive Surfer, Golf Commando, Carpark Ninja, Cannibal Butler and Chuck Norris.

So in conclusion, how about we don’t encourage criminals to continue their crimes by giving them catchy names… and not force people to pay student fees at uni.

Written by Scott ‘Quick Draw McGraw’
Presented by Quentin Tarantino

Wednesday, May 25

Game 1 of the State of Origin was on last night FUCKING KIMMORLEY WITH HIS SHITTYFUCEKINKICKS , it was an absolute cracker. Of course, KIMROELYEIWHT DIE DIE DIE there was one player who didn't really live up to the hype, and that was NSW Halfback Brett Kimmorley. Now, I'm not one to get vindictive when a footy team loses UFCKINE GKIMMORLEY PIECE OF FUCKING SHITE OH I MIGHT THROW AN INTERCEPT PASS BECAUSE I LIKE DICK but Kimmorley really needs to lift his game if he wants to play in the big leagues. 4 of his 5 kicks in the first ten minutes were horrible, his attacking options HOPE HE GETS FUCKING HIT BY A CAR WHEN HE'S FUCKING WLAKING WITH HSI WBOYFRIEND were weak, and he made a few monumental stuff-ups that surely cost NSW the game (his intercepted pass in golden point, missed conversion, offside penalty). I think Brett Kimmorley is an excellent player FUCKEING PIECE OF SHIT SHORT LITTLEF FUCKE RIWTH TINY DICK but I don't think he should be selected for Game 2.

Anyway, what's in the past is in the past, there's no point bitching about it. You tried your best Brett, and that's all we can ask for.

I will now leave you with a photo of Brett Kimmorley being sexually assaulted by a North American Grizzly Bear

Tuesday, May 24

Well, the verdict in the Shapelle Corby trial is to be handed down this Friday in an Indonesian Court/Bingo Hall, so what better time to launch my first ever Shapelle Corby Verdict Betting Sweepstakes!

Currently, the odds are looking something like this:

  • Shapelle found guilty, Women's Weekly runs story on 'Shapelle's Heartbreak', A Current Affair have exclusive interview with Shapelle's ex-husband followed by story on which brand of cereal contains the most fat - 3/2
  • Shapelle found innocent, signs exclusive contract with Channel Nine, gives interview with 60 Minutes then stars in next series of 'Celebrity Overhaul' - 13/1
  • Shapelle found guilty, then freed from cell by a crack team of commandos with nothing to lose and everything to gain, led by John Howard and the reanimated corpse of Frank Sinatra - 17/1
  • Indonesia provides a white person with a fair trial without any tampering of evidence to prove it's an actual functioning democracy and not a tinpot half-baked excuse for a country that will never be taken seriously while it sentences dope smugglers to death and only gives the mastermind of the Bali Bombings a few months in jail - 1,230,492/1

Send in your bets via cheque, money order or naked photos including a stamped, self-addressed envelope and the keys to your house

Saturday, May 21

Saddam Lawyers to sue over underpants photo

Lawyers representing Saddam Hussein plan to sue the British tabloid that published intimate photos of the deposed Iraqi dictator, Al-Jazeera television reported, quoting the head of the defence team.

The photos in the The Sun, one of which shows Saddam wearing only his underpants, are a "violation of human rights and in contravention of the Geneva Convention" on treatment of prisoners, Ziad Khassawneh was quoted as saying.

- from ABC News Online


I have to say, I'm shocked it only took me about three weeks to break the Geneva Convention on treatment of prisoners on my blog, I was holding out for at least six

Friday, May 20

'Mass Destruction', the new underwear from Calvin Klein

" FOREIGN Minister Alexander Downer has accused Labor leaders from John Curtin and Gough Whitlam to Mark Latham of appeasement of Nazi Germany, communist Russia and Saddam Hussein, and provided a philosophical justification for invading Iraq and helping to free East Timor...

In a scathing critique of Curtin -- Labor's wartime prime minister -- and a damning judgment on Mr Whitlam over the Baltic states and Mr Latham over Iraq, Mr Downer said: "Only the Coalition is unequivocally committed to supporting the global struggle for freedom."

- from The Australian

I think we can all agree, no matter if you give a shit or not about politics, that Alexander Downer is a fucking moron. Aside from the fact he's an absolute poonce, this is the same guy who made jokes about domestic violence when he was Opposition Leader, the same guy who let an $800 million program to aid Papua New Guinea fall apart because he's absolutely incompetent. He also represents the same party that has ignored human rights abuses in Burma and East Timor, that demonised an entire boat full of legitimate refugees to win an election, and that, until the U.S changed its Iraq policy, was very happy to let Saddam Hussein stay in power.

and so mr speaker i believe you should take off your pants

And he accuses Labor Prime Minister John Curtin, the man whose decisions during World War 2 solidified Australia's independence and helped to repel the Japanese invasion of South East Asia, of 'appeasing Nazi Germany', when Robert Menzies, the Liberal leader at the time, SUPPORTED the policy of appeasement. In fact, it was Robert Menzies, the Liberal's most successful and most honoured leader that said:

I want to warn you against any easy falling into habits, to which we are susceptible of saying that dictators are bound to be wrong and democracies bound to be right" in regards to Hitler in 1938.


I'm not saying that Labor haven't made their fair share of mistakes. No political party in the world has a clean record when it comes to defending democracy. Countries like Australia, Britain and the U.S have supported and tolerated totalitarian regimes in every continent, in every decade since their creation. I just don't think the Foreign Minister of a country like Australia, which can do very little about dictators a few continents away, should be trying to score political points on an issue where he and his party are just as guilty as anyone.

I also don't think he should speak like an absolute pansy

carson was the Liberal's first choice for Foreign Minister, but they decided to go for someone even gayer

Thursday, May 19

  • Do you have a cool idea for a blog post
  • Would you like instant fame, fortune and recognition from over a dozen people?
  • Have you, or anybody you know been injured due to someone else's negligence?

Yes, write a short (for comparison's sake the Poker post was 500 words) and if it meets my high quality standards, I will POST IT ON MY BLOG


The sweepstakes open today, the winning/only entry will be posted whenever I can't think of anything new to post (next Wednesday)

Gentlemen, start your creation of semi-funny posts

Wednesday, May 18

Aside from working at Subway, not working at uni and WASTING TIME ON POSTS ABOUT WRESTLING THAT ONLY TWO PEOPLE LIKED, I'm also partial to the odd game of Poker with my mates (and Richie). So because I haven't posted anything in a while and my parole officer is on holidays, here is Tommy's Guide To Poker

Now, if you're holding a Poker night at your house, the first thing you need is chips. And a house. Doors also help, if only to keep the bears out.

grr me have pocket aces

Second of all, you'll need people. Now, if you're going to invite your friends, you need them to conform to particular stereotypes. You need the high-stakes, risk-taking bastard who raises to $500 on a pair of threes while you fold on three of a kind, the play-it-safe pussy who snaps at the end of the game after losing on a pair of kings, the guy who people forget is still playing, the person who doesn't know anything about poker and manages to win six hands in a row, and Jedi Master Qui Gon Jin

If you can't find Qui Gon, 'Lou' from Neighbours will do

lou provides his own drinks and zany money making schemes

Refreshments are essential to a good game of poker. While all I normally serve is ice water, professional tournaments usually serve alcoholic beverages from sponsors. Alternatively, forcing your guests to fight for the only glass of liquid in the house provides cheap entertainment for that boring 10pm-11pm hour. Videos of the fight can also be sold on Ebay to recoup your gambling losses.

By about midnight, you'll want to start winding the game down. You do this by either increasing the blinds (money to play the hand) or introducing minimum bets. A quick game of Russian Roulette between the two players with the lowest chip counts can also speed up a game, but only use this method if you are playing near an open window - disposing of bodies can be tricky, and it will only generate suspicion from your nosy neighbours who won't let me sleep at night because of their stupid table tennis oh yes my revenge will be fast and bloody and oh shit i'm typing what i'm thinking again craig wing baby oil

While players in professional tournaments such as the World Poker Tour have catchy nicknames like 'Unabomber' and 'Moneymaker', do not encourage this practice in your own games. It just creates arguments over who gets the cool names, like 'Max Power' and 'Paul Keating''. If you find it hard to remember other player's names, call them by their distinguishing features, such as Ugly Face, Small Tits or Fatty Boombalata.

sorry fatty, maybe if you lose 20 pounds we will let you take off the hat

Once the game is over, be sure the players receive their winnings, the chips are packed away, and you haven't left any cocaine on Ngu, your 13 year old Vietnamese houseboy. And always remember to put the 'fun' in your game of Poker (please also remember to put the 'P', 'O', 'K', 'E' and 'R' to reduce confusion)

Monday, May 16

THE KANE BABY - Part 2 - Attack of The Miscarriage
(scroll down for part one)

Matt Hardy wasn't very happy, and challenged Kane to a match whereby the winner would get to marry Lita. Because, the only way to get revenge on a guy who impregnated your girl is to give him a chance to marry her. So, of course, poor old Matt lost, and Kane married his woman in an evil wedding. Then, of course, Lita began accompanying Kane to the ring for his matches, being the supportive wife and all. But then, the shocking twist. In a match pitting Kane against another wrestler called Gene Snitsky, Lita interfered, and was knocked to the ground.

'homoerotic', the new lynx deodorant for wrestlers

Sadly for Lita, Kane, and everyone who wanted to see a little Kane baby, Lita had a miscarriage and lost the baby. Lita would eventually accept this loss by the next episode of TV, and would grow to fall in love with Kane, who by now was obviously a good guy. Because nothing says 'hero' like 'forced a girl to sleep with me and then beat the shit out of her boyfriend live on pay per view'

And you know what the real kicker is? In REAL life, Lita and her original on-screen boyfriend Matt Hardy had been dating for like five years, and then Lita cheated on him while he was injured (he got actually injured during his match with Kane) with another wrestler named Edge, then when real life Matt Hardy bitched about it on his website, he got FIRED by the WWE! So not only did his on-screen girlfriend have a baby with a supernatural demon spawn and then fall in love with said-spawn, off-screen she was banging someone else!

Ain't life a kick in the pants

Sunday, May 15

Pro Wrestling is the coolest thing ever. When it's good, it is the best drama, the best comedy and the best sports event you will ever watch in your life. It can make you suspend your disbelief, make you jump out of your chair and yell at the TV while you watch 250-pound guys in tights pretend to kill each other. But when pro wrestling is bad, it's REALLY bad. And after showing you the pretty side of pro wrestling a few posts down (also the pretty ass, pretty tits and pretty legs of pro wrestling too), it's time to show you the ugly side of my one true love.


The WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) is the big show in pro wrestling, like the NRL is to Rugby League, or the Canterbury Bulldogs are to gangbanging. One of the WWE 'superstars' is a man named Kane. Kane is the half-brother of The Undertaker, a supernatural, half-dead guy who can shoot lightning and make arena lights turn off. Kane also has the power of making fireworks shoot from the ring. Which wouldn't really come in handy if you get in a fight in a club, but it's really handy if you happen to be a pro wrestler with a fire permit.

grrr me hungry

You see, The Undertaker set fire to his parent's house when he was younger, killing them and Kane. However, KANE WAS NOT DEAD. So after getting his revenge on The Undertaker in 1997, he kinda forgave him and then they were friends again. As you do.

So they went their seperate ways, Kane's burns healed, and he went on to become a regular WWE superstar. Sure, Kane was still evil and did a few things like throw people off stages, electrocute Shane McMahon's testicles with a car battery

and the other stuff kids get up to these days, but then... Kane fell in love.

With Lita.

grrr me slutty

Lita is a female wrestler, who at the time was dating another wrestler named Matt Hardy.

lita i don't mean to alarm you but you have the WWF logo on your right breast

So, Kane did the only thing anyone would in a situation like this. He threatened to kill Matt Hardy unless Lita slept with him. So, Lita agreed, and on an episode of WWE RAW, told Matt Hardy she was pregnant.

With Kane's baby.


Stay tuned folks for the thrilling conclusion to this post LIVE ON PAY PER VIEW MONDAY MAY 16TH

Thursday, May 12

I apologise for the severe lack of postage in the past few weeks, but my computer went boom boom on Sunday and didn't come back till yesterday. Which is well-timed, because I really hadn't thought of anything to write until last night.

See, last night I was hanging with my mates REDACTED and REDACTED at Joy's crazy cult house/parliament, having praise heaped upon me for my awesome Mark Latham diary blog entry while we ate Reese's Cups and REDACTED inhaled a pack of Coles Savings brand Strawberries and Cream (now with 200% more dytrohoxichloride), when REDACTED told me that I was, and I quote, "constrained by social mores" because I didn't like to offend people/tell them what I really think of their stupid face.

Now first of all, I'd like to point out that REDACTED is actually very cool and doesn't often say such pretentious things just in case people think she's some pooncy intellectual who uses gay words like 'social mores'

Second of all, for those of you who didn't do 3-Unit English and/or don't bludge at uni and learn words like 'mores' while you work at Subway 7 hours a week instead of getting a real job then:

mo·res Audio pronunciation of "mores"

  1. The accepted traditional customs and usages of a particular social group.
  2. Moral attitudes.
  3. Manners; ways.
Now REDACTED said this because we were talking about how I don't like to offend people or tell them what I actually think because it will make things uncomfortable and because it's easier just to pretend you like someone rather than tell them they're a fucking loser, which is completely true, but I just felt so cool because I wasn't just 'a pussy', I was 'constrained by social mores'. How awesome is that (and how long was that first sentence). I didn't even know I was so complex

"Hey Tommy, what do you think of that Jason guy?"

I couldn't tell you mate, I'm constrained by social mores

"Hey Tommy, can you pass us the chips?"

Sorry buddy, I'm constrained by social mores

I feel so deep

I should get a blog

Saturday, May 7

You know, if I saw a yellow and white stain on a concrete wall underneath a highway, I don't think 'Virgin Mary' would be the first thing to jump to my mind.

Some chick in America had a big kid. It says "Mother and baby are doing just fine". Yeah, I'm sure the Mum is just fine aside from the fact she can wear her VAGINA AS AN OVERCOAT now.

(yes I know it says she had a caesarean rack off)

Do you notice I'm running out of ideas for my blog?

EDIT: Those links take you to different pictures now, so this post is completely outdated and useless

Kind of like Whybrow

Due to complaints from certain people who only read things drawn in crayon I have made TOMMY'S BLOG FOR DUMMIEZ, which contains all the wit and funny but in an easy to read single picture

Hope you like it Camer- I mean certain people

Friday, May 6

There is a reason why I watch professional wrestling

Wednesday, May 4

This post is what we in the journalism business call a 'scoop'. You didn't hear it from me (unless you're from a major metropolitan newspaper who wants to offer me a job writing about footy) but the Castle Hill Tavern has been sold to some club/pub company whose name I forget (Taverner or something). The 'scoop' part is that it HASN'T been sold to Hill$ong Church, which was a dumb rumour that was probably started by some scarf wearing metro or a person who doesn't like the place. The fact people in my area believed that a church would spend $60 million buying a club they'd be obligated to turn into one great big carpark/recording studio doesn't surprise me though, because most of the people here will believe anything you tell them

So yeah, consider that the only newsworthy post I'll ever make on this thing.

EDIT: I screwed up the colour of the links, they were originally black so it was the same colour as the rest of the post, but now they're pretty and white. Just in case someone read the post without clicking on the links. Because they were kinda important.

Tuesday, May 3

It took me about three hours to find the guts to write this post, but it's the only way I'll be able to express my true feelings. I know I won't be the most popular guy in my group of friends after you've all read this, but I can't hide the truth any longer

I'm in love with my mate Richie's phone

Ever since I saw his phone I knew she was the one for me. Her smooth flipback video screen, her ability to take photos and videos for hours and hours and her sweet angelic ringtones have stolen my heart. And she can even spin her camera around to face you, she's so FLEXIBLE

I don't know if she feels the same way about me. Sometimes when he gets a new message I swear I can hear her soft, digitised voice say 'Tommy'.....'Tommy'.....'Tommy', but then he picks her up and I know unless I pay $456 on a 3 Prepaid plan, she will never be mine.

Yes, the LGU8138 mobile phone with external colour screen, speaker phone, mp3 player, 32mb of internal memory and a built-in digital and video camera with two stage zoom and light is the mistress of my heart.

God, I hope my Nokia 6610i doesn't see this