Tuesday, February 28

I love Pringles. Always have. I remember my first taste of God's gift to potato chips, back when I was about 11. I remember whenever I was off sick from school, my Mum would get me some Pringles and a video to watch. Life was good. Pringles were even better.

And then the motherfuckers got rid of Cheez-Ums.

It used to be that Pringles came in four flavours back then - Original, Sour Cream and Onion, BBQ and Cheez-Ums. A four-way of flavour. A syndicate of savoury. A word describing group of a synonym for flavour beginning with the same letter. But around 1999, the Fab Four were broken up. No Yoko Ono this time, though there are rumours that Cheez-Ums were discontinued in Australia due to high MSG content, and she was Asian so you never know.

Yoko may be hiding Cheez Pringles in her hair in this photograph taken in 1978.


Pringles tried to compensate by releasing new flavours into the Australian market. Cheese and Onion. Paprika. Pizza. All of them flew by the wayside, unable to measure up to the oheesy goodness of Cheez-Ums, the King of Pringles. Sure, I'd eat them. I'd even enjoy them. But everytime I popped, I thought of my old flame. I thought of how I used to eat a whole pack in a day. How I used to 'melt' them on my tongue. The feel of her soft, cheesy flavouring filing my mouth. Oh god, how I loved thee.

All this time, Cheez-Ums Pringles were available in the United States. So, on the very first day in America, a mere hour and a half after we arrived in our hotel in Annaheim, I ran down to the hotel gift shop. And what was staring me in the face?

Perfection.


Say Cheez lol

Stacks of Cheez-Ums Pringles. $1 for a small can. I bought two. The taste was divine, the aftertaste not so much. Combined with a furry, jetlagged mouth, I could taste Cheez-Ums well into the night. I was in Pringles Heaven. Yes, Pringeven.

The affair was short-lived. Sure, there were more Cheez-Ums Pringles in Phoenix. More in Vegas. A few in Vancouver, coupled with some Ketchup flavoured Pringles. But like all affairs, it ended abruptly. I returned to Sydney with a bag full of American chocolate, but no Pringles. That part of my life was over.

Cut to yesterday. Fade into Woolworths, Winston Hills. Star wipe to me pushing a trolley through Aisle 5. Close-up of my chiseled face. Sounds of artillery fire in the background. The camera pans, halfway up the aisle, resting on a tight shot of cans of Pringles. Different coloured cans of Pringles...

New flavours of Pringles.

Yes, those fuckers had betrayed me once again. New 'Tastes of The World' Pringles, including 'Tomato and Mozarella', and 'Smoky Bacon'. Wow, how exotic. Tomato and bacon. What obscure nations have these... how you say 'tomato and bacon'. Do they dine on bacon much in the French Riveria? Is Tomato a delicacy in South America? Hey, I hear CHEESE IS PRETTY FUCKING POPULAR, WHY DON'T YOU MAKE SOME CHEESE PRINGLES?! WHO SKIPS TO BACON FLAVOURED CHIPS BEFORE CHEESE?! YOU HAVE CHEESE FLAVOURING! YOU TAUNT ME BY MIXING CHEESE FLAVOURING WITH TOMATO FLAVOURING BEFORE EVEN CONSIDERING THAT SOMEBODY MIGHT LIKE CHEESE FLAVOURING BY ITSELF ON A FUCKING CHIP!@w I KNOW THAT'S A WACKY IDEA, CHEESE FLAVOURED CHIPS, BUT MAYBE YOU'D MAKE A BIT MORE MONEY IF YOU COVERED THAT BASE BEFORE RELEASING PAPRIKA FLAVOURED FUCKING POTATO CHIPS YOU SMILING SON OF A BITCH MR PRINGLES!#@w


PROOF.

138 comments:

Anonymous said...

hahaha u convinced me

Anonymous said...

just eat doritos dumbass

POose said...

Tommy, i think you're being a bit too down on the Pringles people. They probably just ran out of cheese in the australian factories and chucked in whatever they could find. Whether this was a pig, a bag of onions, or even a spice no one really knows what to do with.

After all, Pringles were originally meant to be a tennis ball factory. However, in the spirit of not being organised, on the opening day, when the rubber was meant to turn up, truckloads of potatoes arrived instead. Instead of sending them away, they thought, Bugger it, lets make chips instead.

Tommy said...

poose if you're going to quote mitch hedburg at least have the decency to say fuck instead of bugger

Anonymous said...

Paprika Pringles? I mean, honestly, What the fuck?

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