Who is Tommy?

Now, given the recent departure of Master Tommy, I have been left with very little to do, seeings as my number one hobby this week was ordering pizzas to his house and asking for 'extra sauce, lots and lots of sauce, oh man I love that sauce I think I could just roll around in it and feel it on my body' then watching the look on the delivery guy's face when Tommy answers the door. Reluctant to give up my preferred method of killing time, I decided to turn to our generation's other great timewaster, the Internet.

So, some of you may have heard of grouphug.us. It's basically a site where weird, messed up and completely alone people can go and confess things they can't confess to anyone except the entire fucking world on the Internet. So you can imagine my surprise when one entry in particular just seemed to jump out at me:

Fig 1. The grouphug post, referencing Tommy's pasty white skin so we know it's him.

Wait.. the guy's gone to a HILLSONG CONVENTION?

WITHOUT ME?

I had no idea Tommy was into weird cults, terrible music, peversion of religion and giving all his money to some guys who live in mansions in Castle Hill. It started me thinking, what else does he do that we don't know about? So I hired a private detective (read, my buddy Tom Walker) and sent him out to find out what the deal-yo is.


Thomas Walker, world's foremost detective and consumate pants-man.

I do seriously and strenuously warn you at this stage, what he found will shock you.

First, Walker went right to the source - the Hillsong group - and, after we pledged them our eternal souls and a life of servitude (and something about $40,000) we were shown this image from their archives.


The God-loving bass-guitar jivin' bastard!

Apparently at the now defunct site http://www.iwanttohavensyncsbabies.com/ there was a formidable fan-art section in which Detective Walker unearthed this disturbing image.


Tommy is the faggy looking one. No, the other faggy looking one.

Finally, Tom Walker apparently turned to IMDB, where he found this:


Tommy's IMDB entry. Not pictured: Tommy's XXXDVD Entry.


And when you Google for that, you never know what you're going to find.


I WANT TO UNSEE IT BUT I CAN'T.

I HOPE THE SICKO NEVER COMES BACK