Wednesday, July 5

Somebody showed me a link to a site called MuslimMatch.com, which as the name suggests, matches Muslims. Like AdultMatchMaker, but if you post a rude name you get stoned to death. So I thought that I'd go undercover, like I did with the Emos in The Wild series, and see what happened. I went about creating a profile.

My name was Abilio, I was 39 years old, 6"0, 215 pounds of pure Muslim stud. Born in Azerbaijan, I lived in Australia, but was willing to 'pay for you to relocate' thanks to the generous salary package I earned as a 'freelance engineer' (read: terrorist). I was very Islamic, to the point where I even considered pets 'Haraam' (the opposite of 'Halal'). My interests included studying the Quran, staying indoors, Qawallis music and Big Brother Friday Night Games. All in all, it took me about 15 minutes to make this hilarious profile, including a few minutes to find some suitable pictures of my fictional Muslim love machine.

Hello lady, would you like to commence the marriagement?


And then I tried looking at my profile. Not only was the profile open to just members of the site, but members had to PAY to see all of it. And trust me, it really wasn't that funny. Unlike Wil Anderson, I don't charge people for my bad jokes.

So, I quit. I suicided bombed my keyboard, and tried to think of something to blog about. Then, an anonymous fairy found this page on the same site. It's the Al-Albaani, the etiquette of a true Muslim marriage. Translated to English, Al-Albaani means 'champagne comedy'. So, let's take a look, in a guide I'm going to call...

TOMMY'S GUIDE TO MUSLIM MARRIAGES

From The 14th Century To Your Bedroom!


After a little hadith action, we read some words straight from the Quran (OMG TERRORIST), then get into the good stuff - the rules. Let's screw convention and start with #1.

1. Kindness toward your wife when you wish to enter into her

It is desirable, when one goes into his wife on his wedding night, to show her kindness, such as presenting her with something to drink, etc.

Now, in Western cultures, spending $20,000 on a wedding and listening to the bitch babble on about colours, dresses and menus is enough to score some wedding night poon. But those Muslims always like to make things more difficult for themselves, so they force another act of kindness before the OHIOHHMMHMHUNFFFFF begins.

And people say Muslims treat their women bad? He gets her a DRINK!

We'll skip the stuff about praying and flip ahead to rule Number 4.

4. What to say at the time of making Love

When a Muslim man is about to enter his wife, he should always say first:

Bismillahi, Allahumma jannibnaa ash-shaitaan, wa jannib
ash-shaitaan maa razaqtanna


[In the name of Allah, O Allah, keep us away from the devil, and keep the devil away from that which You may grant us (ie. offspring).]

Isn't that beautiful? 'Oh Dina, before we consummate our marriage, let me just make sure you're not going to give birth to a demon spawn'. I wonder if the guy says it in a sexy voice too. Like instead of saying 'ash-shaitaan', he says 'ash.......-ssssssshaitannn.....'

5. How he should come to her

It is allowed for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her vagina from any direction he wishes - from behind or from the front. About this Allaah revealed the following verse:

"Your wives are a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth
when or how ye will" [al-Baqarah 2:223]

Yeah, you like that, you dirty little tilth? Yeah, my tilth likes what Daddy gives her. Mmm. First off, the title for that rule is completely misleading. I thought we'd skipped straight to the end, but it's just about the positioning. And wow, look at that. Two positions. It's like the Reader's Digest Kama Sutra.

6. The Prohibition of Sodomy

It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus.

So that's why there were no Muslim chicks in any of the videos I downloaded.

8. Bathing is preferable

Uhh... Preferable?

If you live in say, Saudi Arabia, and you've come back from your job in the oil fields and have more body hair than Robin Williams, and you're going to shag a woman who has worked under a burqa all day in an arid desert climate, I think the least both of you could do is RUN A FRIGGING BATH?!

12. Making Tayammum in a state of Janaba instead of Wudhuu'

It is also permissible to make Tayammum sometimes instead of wudhuu' before sleeping. This is based on a hadith of 'Aa'ishah in which she said: "When the Prophet was in a state of janaba and wished to sleep, he used to make wudhuu' or Tayammum."

Ok, I like to think I know a little bit about Islam, and I'm pretty sure that somebody got 'Muslim Rules of Marriage Ettiquette' mixed up with 'Names of Planets In Star Wars'. Cause I'm pretty sure the Death Star blew up Janaba.


Han Solo escapes the destruction of Wudhuu


And after the obligatory picture break - Rule #14.

14. The Prohibition of sex when She is Menstruating

It is forbidden for a Muslim man to have sexual intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating.

They need to be told by freaking Allah?

18. The Lawfulness of Coitus Interruptus

Withdrawl of the penis from the vagina at the time of ejaculation with the purpose of avoiding impregnation. This can be done only with the permission of one's wife).

Coitus Interruptus sounds like a legal term.

'Your honour, my client was unaware of the coitus interruptus precedent at the time he murdered the woman via bukkake'.

'Very well, I find the defendant Superman not guilty.'

21. What he should do the Morning After His Wedding Night

It is desireable for the husband to go to his relatives who came to visit him in his house, on the following morning, to give them greetings and pray for them.

Considering all the other rules have been about how best to bone your Muslim possession/wife, wouldn't that be an akward little conversation?

22. The House must have a Place for Bathing

The married couple must have a place to bathe in their house

:|

And the final one...

23. The Prohibition of Spreading Bedroom Secrets

It is forbidden for either the husband or the wife to spread any of the secrets of their bedroom to anyone outside.

Thereby ruining my planned pilot for Durka Durka Desperate Housewives.


There you have it. So, next time you're in a crowded marketplace in Dubai, and your/his eyes notice your/her pitch-black burqa, while your/her eyes travel slowly down your/his body to the belt full of plastic explosives, and you fall in love at first glance/stoning, you will be prepared. Thanks to me, and MuslimMatch.com.

10 comments:

Meow said...

OMG I don't remember when I laughed so hard. You are a stitch.

Anon Fairy said...

I thought that Muslims chick took it up the arse before marriage so that they were still "virgins" when they get married????????

But apparently up the arse is strongly prohibited........

Hmmmmmmm, Auburn rumors i see

Anon Fairy said...

I thought that Muslims chick took it up the arse before marriage so that they were still "virgins" when they get married????????

But apparently up the arse is strongly prohibited........

Hmmmmmmm, Auburn rumors i see

Tommy said...

the comment so good it had to be posted twice

anon fairy said...

Shut up.....

I don't know why it did that... and i got all excited when i thought someone else had commented at like 9am.... and then found it was my comment. Very disappointing

SO SHUT UP AND ENTERTAINMENT MONEY BOY

anon fairy said...

Or

SO SHUT UP AND ENTERTAIN ME MOCKEY BOY

way too much worky....

anon fairy said...

FUCK!!!!!

MONKEY BOY

not MOCKEY BOY

so retarded

anon fairy said...

Posting comments on this blog is not my life.....

Really...

Anonymous said...

haha ur a funni lil white guy taking the piss out of other peoples religion you my friend are toooo gangsta :| and is least in Islam it teaches you not to be a slag whereas christianity of which i am assuming u are teaches u to fuck every living thing you see wow gr8 way to live your life!
sucker :|
and yea i went there...

Anonymous said...

The christian religion also forbids sex before marriage and if you look at catholics they believe in sticking to procreation sex. It is generally people who have no faith in religions that fuck around and even then that is more because of values they are taught by parents not because of their religion or lack of.
As for taking the piss out of other peoples religions is christianity not a religion?