Friday, July 28

POKE-HER


I've posted about poker before on the blog, but everything is good for a second time around. Except, of course, victims of rape.


Let's try that again


I've posted about poker before on the blog, but everything is good for a second time around. Except, of course, ____________.

On a side note, what's the go with how I always start off blogs by talking about the blog, or previous blogs? It's all self-referential up in your grill. I'm so post-modern.

But back to poker. It's awesome. I love poker because it shows a lot about a person's character. A game of poker is not just a fun way to pass time, it's a complex relationship between two or more people. In a way, I'd compare poker to a marriage. It starts off fun, only lasts a little while, then you have to give someone all your money. Trust me, I know - just listen to my ex-wife.




Don't let my Guide To Poker fool you - I'm not very good. Some mates and I play pretty damn regularly, and I seem to have gotten worse. Most of the time, that's due to me not noticing something completely obvious to everyone else playing, like a Flush, or a Straight, or the fact that I have no chips left.

I'm not a retard by any stretch of the imagination (if I was, I would have typed DUDREHHHERRRR instead of 'stretch of the imagination'), but I just don't DUDREHHHHERRRR as well as others.

And that's part of the magic of the game. It's not about intelligence, or luck, or anything.

It's about being good at screwing other people over.

It's about remembering that Jimmy put in $200 six hands ago on a Pair of Kings, when he raises to $600 six hands later. It's about noticing the sweat on Johnny's cheek when he goes all-in. Or the way he rubs his nose every time he bluffs. Or the way he looks at you sometimes when your legs brush under the table, and you're not really sure if he really meant it, but you're glad he did it, because sometimes you wonder what would happen if you two were trapped in the bush together and you had to spoon to stay warm. Things like that. Heterosexual things like that.

It's why, if I was an international diplomat rather than an unemployed piece of shit, I would challenge my U.N counterparts to a jolly old game of Texas Hold'Em poker. You could bet Nuclear Disarmament Treaties, or sanctions, or even gold. France would fold all the time, especially if Germany raised. Japan would check-raise (lol pearl harbour). Australia would go all-in and gift all their chips to America. And Amsterdam would be doing lines in the bathroom. It would be so hot.

I also strongly believe it is the only solution to the Israel vs Lebanon and Palestine handicap match. Of course, the Jews run poker, so it would be pretty one-sided.

Hell, I love poker so much, I wrote a haiku about it


All in on a flush
Tommy calls with a high straight
Fuck you dealer man


Beautiful, no? Look at the art that poker inspires. Television shows, blogs, haikus I had to count six times over to get the syllables right. You see anybody writing blogs about Blackjack, or Uno? You think anybody gives a shit about Uno?



THAT'S WHAT POKER DOES TO UNO.


I can't believe you even brought up Uno. Why? Why do you destroy rather than create?

Sorry. Side-tracked. I think it's time to end the blog with one of my patented Final Thoughts. I find that writing down exactly what I'm thinking at a certain time produces some spontaneous, truly insightful commentary. Let's give it a shot.

Achem.

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Yes. Yes, I like that. You are so insightful, post-modern poker Tommy. You're so much better than Uno.

Fuckin' Uno.

4 comments:

uno said...

bring it bitch

Anonymous said...

i was a little disturbed to read the title "poke- her",
then glance down at the picture of the old girl. lucky for me this blog wasnt about tommy having sex with old ladies again

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