Friday, June 29

BenoitWikiGate 2007

I was going to blog about the Rove/Xibit feud, but we'll push that back to Monday, because Benoit is still all over the news, and considering pro wrestling is the only thing I really know about, I may as well take advantage of it.

There is an interesting news story about Benoit's Wikipedia page, specifically the entry that says he missed WWE's 'Vengeance' Pay-Per-View (which took place a few hours after he murdered his retarded son) because of the 'death of his wife Nancy'. Only thing is, it was posted 14 hours before cops discovered the bodies. Not only that, the I.P address of the dude who changed it hailed from Stamford, Connecticut - home of the WWE, and my personal Mecca.

Is Vince McMahon a Wikipedia Contributer?

But, I don't buy it. It was public knowledge Benoit missed Vengeance and the Saturday show because of a family emergency, and was also known that he'd told people his wife and son were 'vomiting blood' (LIAR!@). In other words, some dick has made an assumption, turned out to be right, and now it's a conspiracy.

Of course, it wasn't the only edit done to Benoit's wikipedia page. In search of a hot exclusive news item, I dove into the Benoit Wiki archives, and found some other, Sydney Morning Herald-worthy revisions...

Here's one, just hours before the news broke...

I remember the match where Benoit won the Queen's Award For Being So Boring.

But, you've told us what he did in 2004... What did he do in 2003?

God, I remember it like it was yesterday. The only thing more entertaining than the Benoit fart was the Benoit fart video highlights package the WWE showed on Smackdown! that week.

Anything more recent, say... 2007?

Wow. I think this is why my uni lecturers never liked Wikipedia sources.

And, finally...

Pictures promoting gay items? First off - considering he's shirtless, oiled up and wearing wrestling tights in most of his pictures, what could he possibly be holding that could make him look gayer?

Ohhh.... Right.

Wednesday, June 27

Well, I guess it proves wrestling isn't fake...

I wasn't going to blog about this, because when I found out yesterday morning that wrestling god Chris Benoit and his family were found dead in their home, I was trying to ignore the obvious. I mean, if it was a random truck driver, found dead in his house with a dead wife and kid, I'd be the first to say 'HE'S A MURDERER~!', but this was Chris freaking Benoit! His nickname was 'The Crippler', not the 'Murder/Suicider'!

I also figured if I put a 'Chris Benoit R.I.P' blog up, I'd get a few dozen comments along the lines of

lol wrestlin is gay

what r u a fgt

did chris benoit put a crippler crossface on your cock

And so on.

But, now it turns out the obvious was obvious for a reason. Chris Benoit murdered his family. A week ago, I would have put that sentence in the 'no way' category next to 'John Howard grew wings out of his anus and flew to the moon' and 'Wil Anderson had an original thought'.

It's hard to explain Chris Benoit's legacy to people who don't follow wrestling, or who think it's shit. Benoit was the wrestling fan's wrestler. He was the guy who you could appreciate, even if you knew the whole thing was scripted.

While The Rock was getting movie deals, and Hulk Hogan was getting VH1 reality shows, Benoit was on the road, 320 days a year, chopping the shit out of people. If a wrestler wanted to improve their work, they'd ask for a match with Benoit. If the WWE management wanted to get a new guy over with the fans, they'd put them with Benoit.

Benoit in WCW in 1999, totally not on roids.
The black armband was for Owen Hart, the dead wrestler who didn't kill himself and his family.

In March 2004, at Wrestlemania 20, he made me yell at the television for the first time since I was 8. (Since then, I've also yelled at the bit in Lost where Locke gets shot). I knew he wasn't really hurting Triple H when he locked in the Crossface submission, but I also knew that I wanted to see Chris Benoit, my favourite wrestler, the nicest guy in an industry full of arseholes and narcissists, win the World Title at Wrestle-fucking-Mania. So there I was, yelling 'TAP!@# TAP YOU SON OF A BITCH!@#' at my Foxtel at 11am in the morning.

And the son of a bitch tapped.

Chris Benoit had won the World Title. A few matches earlier, his best friend Eddie Guerrero had also won a World Title. For a few minutes, they made me forget that the Crippler Crossface doesn't actually hurt, that you can't physically whip someone into the ropes, and that the referee is never looking when the bad guy cheats. For a few minutes, it was real to me, damn it.

Eddie Guerrero (right) and Psycho Fucking Cockface (left)

By Wrestlemania 22, Eddie Guerrero was dead. Heart failure, induced by massive steroid and painkiller abuse. And last weekend, Chris Benoit had strangled his wife, asphyxiated his seven-year old son, and hanged himself.

And I know this sounds stupid, eulogising a murderer just because I liked to watch him do diving headbutts off the top rope. But when Chris Benoit the fucking psycho made his appearance this weekend, he didn't just murder a family. He murdered Chris Benoit the wrestler. And that sucks.

Does it even remotely compare to the slaying of a kid and his mum? No. Should I even be comparing the two? Probably not.

But well........ fuck you, Chris Benoit.

Monday, June 25

Tommy Versus People Who Replace 'Brother' With 'Moron'

I love Big Brother. Sure, it's is predictable, it's often boring and full of annoying people, but I still love it. When it evicts entertaining people like Bodie, it annoys me. When it comes home late from work and hits me, I forgive it. That's our relationship.

Former Big Brother Housemate Krystal

But, I know Big Brother is shit. Everybody does. No matter how old they are, no matter how many times they've sent a name to 199 EVICT, they know it's shit. In fact, the only thing more shit than Big Brother is people who bitch about Big Brother. I've said it before, but I've never had an easier target than this chick.

Ok, this is kind of like a Wil Anderson blog. We're going to count the cliches. What we're looking for here is

  • Pseudo-elite references to the stupidity of Big Brother fans
  • Hilarious variations on 'Big Brother'
  • Shameless attempts to tie Big Brother bitching into topical news item in order to get published in The Age
  • Use of excessively pooncy sentences in order to get published in The Age

Let's roll.

Remember that Dutch reality show featuring a dying woman who was going to donate her kidney to one of three contestants?

Ding!!! Topical news item!
As opposed to Big Brother, which pounces around pretending to be a valuable social experiment providing quality entertainment to a discerning public.

'Discerning public' = Pooncy sentence. Let me just check upstairs..... yes, that's a ding.

If I want to see self-obsessed bogan root rats I'll just visit my cousin Kaiden and his wife Bree (don't worry, they can't read).

Elitist nose-turning! Ding!!

If you are a member of the Exclusive Brethren who has recently chewed through your restraints and joined the modern world, let me fill you in.

Ding! Topical!
Maybe it should be called Big Brethren.

Name change! And topical news item! Double ding!!

The housemates get voted out one by one by the moron viewers until there is only one left. Who we will call Big Moron.

Name change! And elitist insult to viewer's intelligence! Double penetration ding! +1 Danika!

What did we do to deserve this? Simple. We kept on tuning in. Well, not we, I mean the people who read the Herald Sun.

Oh!! Elitist insult, coupled with derogatory comment to The Age's Melbourne newspaper rival! The ding machine is brokeS~!@

Big Brothel is simply a bunch of vapid media whores in a televised chicken pecking experiment.

Name change! 'Vapid media whores' = pooncy sentence! She's on fire.

SMS199 TO SAVE, SMS 199 TO EVICT, where is the 199 number I can SMS TO DETONATE?

Not a cliche, but LOL!@# She wants to blow them ups!!!

And as for grown-ups, if watching this show is better than experiencing your own life, I'd suggest that you start looking at making some changes. May I suggest considering joining The Brethren.

Tied in to topical reference for the final sentence! Ding on the buzzer!! 3-points!


So, who is 'Catherine Deveny?' I know what you're thinking. You're saying Tommy, she must be some kind of esteemed TV critic. Maybe a professor, or a producer for an acclaimed show like RPA or Remote Area Nurse or 60 Minutes back when it wasn't trashy.


Catherine is a comedy writer and stand-up comedian. Some of the shows she has worked on include Tonight Live with Steve Vizard, Full Frontal, All Star Squares and Network 10's Unreal TV, Unreal Stuff Ups and Unreal Ads.

And, wait for it....

"She is a writer on Network Ten's Rove Live and Skithouse."


And just for fun, here's a picture.

Wait, your cousin is the bogan one?

Hey, here's an idea Catherine. Why don't we make a reality show about you? We can call it Big Arms.

Friday, June 22

I was gunna title this one 'Daddy's Home', but that just sounds really lame


Just thought I'd POP in...................... ok no more cat pictures

I'm back and all moved in to my new pad. At the moment, I'm overlooking a picturesque golf course. A Korean man just missed a put on the 17th Green.

Why does it matter that he's Korean?

Because it's funnier, that's why.

A lot has changed since I left. Paris went to jail, Vince McMahon got blown up and, according to what I could figure out based on a combination of Australia's finest journalism - The Daily Telegraph and Seven News, a train exploded and caused the Hunter to flood.

I can't believe I missed the Paris/jail thing. Like, all I would have done is re-use predictable gags about her getting fucked lots, but that's funny too, isn't it?

But seriously, I think I've lost it. After a three week break, the best idea I had for a blog was bitching about how much Shrek 3 branded food products there are these days.

(But seriously - McDonalds, M&Ms, two types of chips, Arnotts and Kellogs cereals - wtf)


I could bitch about the election I guess, like how The Australian spun a Labor 56-44 polling victory to be 'Howard closing gap' even though they completely dismissed the one two weeks earlier that had Labor at 60-40, and celebrated the one that had Labor at 'just' 53-47, so how can Howard close the fucking gap when it's three points worse than the one you had an orgasm over, you biased fucks

But that would be boring.

So, I turn to my guiding star, my light on the hill, my fast-becoming-dry well of gold blogs - Samuel Gordon Stewart. But even Sammy can't help me. All he does these days is write imaginary letters to radio personalities, post song lyrics and... well, this:

I wonder, am I the only one who has noticed this recent surge in discarded post-it notes?

Hm. Well, at least some things don't change.

Thursday, June 21


Only 4 Cat Pictures In 19 Days

We're Gunna Need A Bigger Blog

Hello, Tommy here. I am on an extended hiatus because I'm moving house, so IsCool will be in the safe hands of the flamboyant Matt and the noob Richie until I return. Should be about a fortnight. If I'm not back by July, call the fire brigade.

Matt will be writing blogs (hopefully) until Friday when he goes away, and Richie will be posting pictures of cats or something. This post is forward-dated till June 30th, so new blogs will be underneath. So... look down.

Please make enjoyment of blog time

Wednesday, June 13

: \



Hello, I am Tommy at a net cafe at Baulkho. There is a fat man playing a pinata game on the XBox, and really bad music, and the walls are green. It's just like home.

So, turns out

a) Matt didn't post any blogs

b) Richie posts about as many blogs as his hole of a suburb has gutters (3)

c) After a week of no blogs, I can't think of anything to write about.

Still won't have net for a week or two, so I won't tease you with a real blog. Instead:


Wednesday, June 6

Sunday, June 3

Saturday, June 2

i like cats II

Friday, June 1

BBL lol

Three things. First, I'm moving house~! on Monday (kinda), and to cut a long story short will be without da net for a week or two. In addition to commiting suicide, this means I won't be able to blog. So, IsCool is in the capable hands of Matt for a week or two, but hopefully I will be able to pop in and write some lame crap too.

At this point, I'd like to mention that I haven't actually told Matt that the weight of my two dozen readers will be on his shoulders, so this is going to work out great. I smell sitcom.

Secondly, Logo #1 won. What a shocker.

And finally, I leave you with this, which contains 10 reasons why America will become extinct by the time I have internet again.

God bless you all