Tommy Versus People Who Replace 'Brother' With 'Moron'

I love Big Brother. Sure, it's is predictable, it's often boring and full of annoying people, but I still love it. When it evicts entertaining people like Bodie, it annoys me. When it comes home late from work and hits me, I forgive it. That's our relationship.

Former Big Brother Housemate Krystal

But, I know Big Brother is shit. Everybody does. No matter how old they are, no matter how many times they've sent a name to 199 EVICT, they know it's shit. In fact, the only thing more shit than Big Brother is people who bitch about Big Brother. I've said it before, but I've never had an easier target than this chick.

Ok, this is kind of like a Wil Anderson blog. We're going to count the cliches. What we're looking for here is

• Pseudo-elite references to the stupidity of Big Brother fans
  
• Hilarious variations on 'Big Brother'
• Shameless attempts to tie Big Brother bitching into topical news item in order to get published in The Age
• Use of excessively pooncy sentences in order to get published in The Age
  

Let's roll.

Remember that Dutch reality show featuring a dying woman who was going to donate her kidney to one of three contestants?

Ding!!! Topical news item!

As opposed to Big Brother, which pounces around pretending to be a valuable social experiment providing quality entertainment to a discerning public.

'Discerning public' = Pooncy sentence. Let me just check upstairs..... yes, that's a ding.

If I want to see self-obsessed bogan root rats I'll just visit my cousin Kaiden and his wife Bree (don't worry, they can't read).

Elitist nose-turning! Ding!!

If you are a member of the Exclusive Brethren who has recently chewed through your restraints and joined the modern world, let me fill you in.

Ding! Topical!

Maybe it should be called Big Brethren.

Name change! And topical news item! Double ding!!

The housemates get voted out one by one by the moron viewers until there is only one left. Who we will call Big Moron.

Name change! And elitist insult to viewer's intelligence! Double penetration ding! +1 Danika!

What did we do to deserve this? Simple. We kept on tuning in. Well, not we, I mean the people who read the Herald Sun.

Oh!! Elitist insult, coupled with derogatory comment to The Age's Melbourne newspaper rival! The ding machine is brokeS~!@

Big Brothel is simply a bunch of vapid media whores in a televised chicken pecking experiment.

Name change! 'Vapid media whores' = pooncy sentence! She's on fire.

SMS199 TO SAVE, SMS 199 TO EVICT, where is the 199 number I can SMS TO DETONATE?

Not a cliche, but LOL!@# She wants to blow them ups!!!

And as for grown-ups, if watching this show is better than experiencing your own life, I'd suggest that you start looking at making some changes. May I suggest considering joining The Brethren.

Tied in to topical reference for the final sentence! Ding on the buzzer!! 3-points!


Brilliance.

So, who is 'Catherine Deveny?' I know what you're thinking. You're saying Tommy, she must be some kind of esteemed TV critic. Maybe a professor, or a producer for an acclaimed show like RPA or Remote Area Nurse or 60 Minutes back when it wasn't trashy.

Nope.

Catherine is a comedy writer and stand-up comedian. Some of the shows she has worked on include Tonight Live with Steve Vizard, Full Frontal, All Star Squares and Network 10's Unreal TV, Unreal Stuff Ups and Unreal Ads.

And, wait for it....

"She is a writer on Network Ten's Rove Live and Skithouse."

Pot.
Kettle.
Black.


And just for fun, here's a picture.

Wait, your cousin is the bogan one?

Hey, here's an idea Catherine. Why don't we make a reality show about you? We can call it Big Arms.