Tuesday, September 25

The Game Changes - SGS enters the Election

It may be the only thing that can stop Rudd-mania running wild across the country, the only thing that the Man Of Steel John Howard is truly scared of. No, not Latham. It's another man. With three first names, and a dog called Nattie.

Yes, Samuel Gordon Stewart is running for parliament, in the Canberra electorate of Fraser. In the time it took for him to announce his candidacy on John Kerr's radio show ('The Boring Old Fuck Variety Hour'), the prospect of a Samuel Gordon Stewart Prime Ministership has risen by over 3000% percent. 3000%. It's science.

So what does this mean for the people of Fraser, and the people of Australia? Let's take a glimpse into the near future, under the stewardship of Prime Minister Gordon Stewart.

Here he is at APEC. If you're wondering why George Bush is there even though his term ends in 2008, that's just because Saddam killed all the Mandelas.

Here's his first interview on Lateline...

And finally, his first sex scandal...

And his second...

You know, Prime Minister Stewart might not be all that bad. We can call him 'PMS', and it would save the taxpayer because he lives in Canberra anyway. I don't know about his policy of federally mandated handjobs for John Laws, but it's no WorkChoices.

And hey, he'd be better than Costello.

Wednesday, September 19

Things I Noticed At My Job

So, I've been at my new job for about three weeks now. Everything's going well, especially the XBox 360 I bought with my winnings. Ain't nothing like killing some zombies with a chainsaw in a shopping mall after work, and playing on the XBox is fun too.

Because this is my first real job (Subway doesn't count, nor does my brief sojourn in Monaco where I taught at the Sojourn School Of Pooncy Words), I've been noticing a lot of things about work life. Let's go through them one by one, because doing them all at once would make any punctuation I include pretty worthless.

The Work Edition

1. Work is absolutely nothing like The Office. When you try and mess with the guy named Dwight, he reports you to the boss. And if you hit on the secretary, he tells you to piss off.

2. You'd think not being at home would mean you ate less and better. Wrong. People in offices use any excuse to eat cake. See #3.

3. A lot of people in offices are fat. One lady at my work is so fat she only sits on her swivel chair with one of her arse cheeks. The other cheek hangs over the edge like a beanbag, and provides shelter for a small family of migrants.

4. Being paid monthly is awesome, because I don't have a mortgage to pay off and it's like receiving a small inheritence every four weeks (I also hate my extended family).

5. Channel Nine are fucking retarded.

6. People actually download the show How I Met Your Mother. And they watch it. Voluntarily. These people are dangerous.

7. Having a job removes most motivation to update your blog frequently. Instead, you create 7 point list blogs, and use the final joke to talk about how dodgy they are. Also, you find less time to update your 2nd blog, where you pretend to be dyslexic and upload really depressing pictures of people feeding livestock.

Friday, September 14

Tuesday, September 11

The Fall Of Howard: I just like writing 'The Fall Of Howard'

It seems like the election is already over. There's leadership tensions in the Liberals, Kevin Rudd is talking in chink to overseas leaders, and if you draw a trend line of the opinion polls over the last few weeks, it ends up being a giant cock face-fucking John Howard. I'm serious, try it.

When I first started doing these Fall Of Howard blogs, I genuinely disliked the guy. But these days... well, it's almost like picking on an old man. Actually, it is picking on an old man. I probably should have stopped when he literally fell over. I think that was a sign.

But, I can't stop now. I've already made a blog tag for it, and a cool new logo:

You don't know the meaning of disgusting until you've had to
Photoshop erase around John Howard's crotch

So we're riding this one all the way to the election. And beyond too, so I can look all sage and stuff. And if he loses, I'll just lie and say I always thought he was going to win, because that's what Johnny would do. Kind of like "WWJD?", except instead of a lame wristband, you get an ankle security bracelet and mandatory detention.

But is there any hope for Johnny? Can he pull the cat/persecuted immigrant out of the bag like he did in 2001? Can he hope that Labor will cock it up like they did in 2004?

Well, take a look at the Newspoll results.

So, in short - no, John is well fucked.

Friday, September 7

Bin Laden's New Video

So, Osama is back with a sequel.

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Osama bin Laden will release a new video in the coming days ahead of the sixth anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks in what would be the first new images of the terror mastermind in nearly three years, al-Qaida's media arm announced Thursday.

I love 'Al Qaeda's Media Arm', just quietly. Call me crazy, but shouldn't they have been blown up by now?

Anyway, now I work in the industry, I have a bit of access that I never had before. I can't show you the video itself, that will be released in a few days by Al Qaeda's Internet Arm and Al Qaeda's Postal Delivery Arm, but here is a screengrab:

Wednesday, September 5

I'm not sayin' I'm a prophet....

But if the shoe fits:

Deadline Hollywood Daily:

Finishing the Top 10, Paramount's romantic fantasy Stardust hung in for a 3-day weekend of $3 mil and a predicted 4-day holiday of $3.9 mil from 1,766 runs; but its new cume starting four weeks in release is just $31.9 mil, thus cementing its status as a flop.

Tommy in July


Now, all I need is for someone to write a book about me and in a millenium or so there'll be a religion named after me. It will be called Tomslam.

Sunday, September 2

Sock It

Along with Father's Day, it's also my birthday today. I turned 23, which is kind of depressing. Sure, I got some sweet presents, like the Bargearse/Olden Days DVD and the 24 DVD BOARD GAME~!, but I also bought myself socks for my Dad to give me. Socks.


I didn't even realise what I was doing. I needed some new socks and a new belt for work, so I bought them. Then I thought 'Hey, I can scam these as a birthday present so I don't have to pay for it'. I never even considered the connotation.

And, at that precise moment, my young life was over. I had voluntarily received socks as a present. In another timeline, 10-year old Tommy is slapping the shit out of 23-year old Tommy.

Life has a way of reinforcing its point, just in case you missed it the first time. So, even if I hadn't realised then that buying socks for my birthday was the beginning of a miserable, perpetual cycle of horrible presents, the universe was making sure I got it by the time I turned 23 for good. Because this morning, I unwrapped another present to find these:

Kill me.