Saturday, November 26

No blogs until Friday at the earliest, I'm going away for SCHOOLIES 5: We Just Can't Let It Go at lovely sunny Forster until then.

For those of you not going, who have to work or go to school or just weren't invited because they're punks, I leave you with this:

Suck a fat one.

Things You Can Buy With $117 Million

  • A one-night new release DVD hire for every single Australian
  • The contracts of the top 25 players in every NRL Team (except for the Roosters)
  • A one-night stand with Elisha Cuthbert (price may decrease depending on buyer's age and ugliness)
  • 6157895 buzzcuts at Mimmo's Men's Barbers, Winston Hills
  • The Republic of Kiribati, an island nation in the Pacific, with change left over to buy a sizeable chunk of Palau
  • Two Boost Juices
  • The Australian Federal Government's total advertising budget, including $25.9 million alone in the month of October, the largest single monthly ad buy in Australian advertising history. Includes over 12,600 TV spots, 11,000 of which were reserved for Work Choices. A total of 91.7 hours of Work Choices ads, almost four days worth, in October alone.
  • The support and complicity of the Australian media in the upcoming federal election campaign, due to the Government lining Packer, Stokes, Murdoch and the Fairfax's pockets with $117 million of premium-rate advertising
  • A whole bunch of handys

Friday, November 25

I've often said how much I dislike personal blogs and how people think others want to read about their day at the bus stop. I think unless you've got something to say about an issue that affects other people, or something genuinely interesting happened to you, or you can turn a mundane event into an entertaining bitch, then you should STFU about your boring life. But today I am going to make an exception

Cause I'm going to get a buzzcut

At least I think I am. I've been mulling it over for about two months, but keep pussying out when I get to the barber.


Alright, it's a hairdresser.

I used to go to a barber until the retard cut the back of my neck. He also had an egg timer of some description, and would time every haircut he gave me. When you have scissors a few centimetres away from my eyeballs, I don't want you to be racing the clock.

Anyway, it's a tough decision. I have a rather large noggin (I was going to write 'rather large head' and make a rude joke but fuck you for judging me), so it might look weird, but my hair has always been short anyway so a #2 all round won't make that much of a difference. Having a buzzcut would also save me oodles of time. I wouldn't have to put gel in my hair when I went out, and I would save on my fortnightly hair wash. Oh yeah bitches - I said fortnightly. Naturally occuring grease is sexy.

I'm pretty sure sometime in the next two hours I will get a buzzcut. Today is my last shift at Subgay, I finished uni a few weeks ago, and sometimes you need to mix things up a bit. And I'm going to America on Jan 7, so if the buzzcut is shit, hopefully it will have fixed itself by then.

And I can't believe I just wrote that much about my fucking hair.


Tommy just got a buzzcut

He would post a picture but it would probably end up some man/boy love porn site

Thursday, November 24

There's this big thing in the local entertainment media that the Australian film industry is terminally ill, that unless it is given more funding, it will continue to produce mediocre results at the box office. Now, I'm no Hollywood studio chief (not since I greenlit 'The Legend of Bagger Vance'), so I'll let star of 'The Castle' and all-round legend Michael Caton to do the talking.

"I think in some ways a lot of people have made movies for their friends rather than for a mainstream audience," Caton said.

A normal person would agree with Mr. Caton. I go to the movies a few times a month, but the last Australian movie I saw was Crackerjack in the year 2002. The last collection of pissweak jokes done by untalented wogs I saw was Fat Pizza in the year 2003. That's it. The only Australian movie that has come out in the last three years that I've wanted to see is Wolf Creek, and even then I can barely get my mates to fire up enough to watch it. Is it their fault for not recognising the awesome talent of former Better Homes and Gardens co-host John Jarratt? Maybe.

In 1972, John Jarratt's beard won an AFI Award

But it's the Australian film industry's fault for making so many shitty, elitist movies that when a good one finally comes out, people don't want to see them!

Let's take a look at the current batch of Aussie films.

(I think I just heard the hits to my site crash)

The Proposition: In this uncompromising Australian period drama set in the 1880s, three brothers fight for their place in a beautiful, brutal landscape, but, in a seemingly impossible proposition, one must be forsaken to save another.


'Hey Bruce, nobody is coming to see Australian movies'
'Let's make a period drama set in the 1880's'
'That's bloody brilliant'

Look Both Ways: Animator Sarah Watt's first feature film explores the lives of a number of damaged people over one weekend in Adelaide. Meryl, an artist, arrives home after attending her father's funeral; there is news of a train crash, and she is almost witness to the death of a man on a railway line.


Little Fish: Tracy Heart is an ex-junkie who swims, works, sleeps and lives with her mother in Sydney’s Little Saigon, dreaming of a better life. But the unexpected return of her ex-boyfriend, the criminal aspirations of her brother and the emotional draw of a troubled family friend creates friction for Tracy. Her dream soon becomes entangled with criminal boss Bradley "The Jockey" Thompson with shattering consequences.

This one scooped up loads of awards. It stars Cate Blanchett and Sam Neil. Because Sam Neil just isn't in enough Australian movies.

Notice a trend with these movies? They're all quirky abstract dramas. No thrillers, no action movies, no straight-up dramas that tell a story Australians can relate to. And when the industry makes a genre flick like Wolf Creek, or a decent comedy like The Castle or Crackerjack, they wonder why it's successful. And then they go and hire Claudia Karvan and David Wenham and make a movie about a struggling artist who befriends a young Taiwanese boy and begins a journey of self-discovery that leads her to inner-city Melbourne and the warm embrace of a multicultural society.

I think the world would be better off if Australian actors just stuck to what they do best

Amateur pornos.

Isn't that right, Sally from Home and Away?

Monday, November 21

An unbiased exploration of the work of author Matthew Reilly

I read a lot of books, and have done since I was a little tacker. Don't get me wrong though, I'm no literary boffin, it's not Catcher in the Rye or Tale of Two Cities I read, it's books by guys like Michael Crichton and Tom Clancy. Nice action/political/science/Velociraptor thrillers - books that are well-written and paced, but don't contain any pooncy words like 'boffin'.

But even I have standards.

I've read some of the most ridiculous, insane books you could imagine. One where the President is replaced by a clone and has to clear his name Fugitive style. One where a terror cell threatened to blow up London landmarks with rocket launchers fired from dingies, only to be stopped by a Sherlock Holmes style detective, complete with an evil pooncy villain who kidnapped his partner. I've even read Emma.

And then one Christmas I was given a book so woefully awful, so horribly inaedequate, so adverb adjective, that it hurt me inside. It was a book called Area 7. The author - Matthew Reilly. It tells the story of Marine Shane Schofield and his team, who are escorting the President on an inspection of of Area 7, a top secret Air Force base. Of course, all is not as it seems, and Schofield is forced to fight his way through an enemy force determined to see the end of the United States of America.

Sounds hot, right? 'enemy force', 'top secret', 'end of the United States of America'. But then you read it.

This is what Matthew Perry would look like if he had been sexually molested by a bus when he was twelve.

Matthew Reilly writes worse than I do, which is why I'm allowed to bag him out. He is dead set the single worst author in the history of the novel. Tomorrow When The War Began looks like fucking Shakespeare crossed with Dickins when you read Area 7. A typical Area 7 page contains at least two of the following elements.

a) A paramilitary team
b) An explosive firefight
c) People running/escaping
d) Wild animals loose from their cages (I am not joking)

Here's an example I prepared earlier.

Schofield looked around the room, scanning for hostiles. His M64a1 Carbine was secured firmly in his hands. He looked up, past the control panel which controlled the only exit out of the facility which will be referred to again later in the novel. But something was different. Something was wrong.

Very wrong.

He spun around, shooting a torrential waterfall of bullets as he dived for cover! Shell casings littered the steel floor, unecessary exclamation! But his enemy did not flinch, short sentence. Because his enemy was a bear. Shorter sentence. An angry bear. Really short sentence.

A bear.

*End Chapter 12*

Now, you probably think that's poorly-done parody. Oh Tommy, you say to yourself, straddling your bowl of Twisties, nobody could possibly write that bad and get published. Well, you're wrong. Matthew Reilly has 6 published books. They are Australian and international bestsellers. One is being optioned into a movie. And in case you're still not convinced he is a horrible writer, I give you his most recent novel.

'Hover Car Racer'

Yes, Hover Car Racer tells the story of Jason Chaser, a Hover Car Racer. He's 'a boy in a man's world - pitted against the cutthroat future world of near-supersonic racing'. Christ, even the blurb is horrible.


Ian Fleming didn't name James Bond 'MICHAEL TAGENT, SECRET AGENT'. You know why he didn't, Reilly?




On a more personal note, how come this is the second blog in a week or so that has ended with me referencing James Bond, then yelling in bolded caps? All it needs is a picture of Samo Hu-

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Oh my god.

Friday, November 18

You may or may not know this, but in spite of my player hating towards John Howard and the Liberal Party, I'm actually pretty well connected on that side of the aisle. Which is why when the Libs needed a voice over artist for their latest round of Work Choices commercials, they turned to me. So here it is, it should be on radio soon, but I'll give you guys a sneak peek.

I call him J-Ho

Download the mp3 here

Or the .zip here

Thursday, November 17

i hate scott

Wednesday, November 16

Intelligant Design
A bitch by Prof. Tommy M.D

Right now in the States there's a big shitstorm over whether 'Intelligent Design' (the theory that nature and life is too complex to have evolved gradually and that there must have been an intelligent designer/God pulling the strings) should be taught in schools. The Kansas Board of Education recently rewrote the definition of science to no longer limit it to 'the search for natural explanations of phenomena', thereby opening the door for 300 or so Kansas school boards to authorise the teaching of Intelligent Design alongside Evolution in their science classes.

Because gosh darn it, if anybody knows the real definition of science, it's the Kansas Board of Education.

But hey, America always gets up to stuff like this, right? After all, this was the country that had a Supreme Court case arguing whether a statue of the Ten Commandments should be placed outside a court! Stuff like this could never happen in a country like Australia, where we respect the seperation of church and state, right?

At Pacific Hills Christian School in Dural intelligent design is taught in science classes. The school's principal, Ted Boyce, said he was not persuaded by the Australian scientists' and teachers' stance and it was appropriate to teach it as an alternative explanation for the origin of humanity.


How come everything dumb always happens near my house?

We did not evolve from monkeys

Straight off the bat I'll add a qualifier so the 80% Christian readership of my blog doesn't put a Jesus curse on me - I have no problem with Intelligent Design or Creationism being taught in religion classes. If a parent sends their kid to a Christian school, it should be expected they learn about Adam and Eve and the rib and the talking snake and the divine birth of Ric Flair. Same as if a parent sends their kid to a Muslim school, they should learn about... whatever Muslims believe happened. And Jews should be taught their creation story, which I believe involve lots of gold. BUT, these stories are not science.

Intelligent Design advocates talk about a concept called 'Irreducible Complexity', saying that some structures are too complex to have evolved, like the flagellum of bacteria. They say that these structures have too many intertwined parts to have evolved piece by piece, and therefore an intelligent designer must have played a part. Of course, this theory has more holes in it than Paris Hilton, but it is an alternative to Evolution. It's just untestable, unobservable and unreplicable. You know, like a good scientific theory.

The 'Intelligent' Design Fossil Record

Evolution is the framework around which natural history is understood, you can't pick and choose which science you'll teach or believe. And you really can't be teaching impressionable children a completely unscientific theory in science class. And if you are, why just limit it to Intelligent Design?

Why not the Flying Spaghetti Monster theory of creation in science class?

Why not teach kids that we're all part of the Matrix and our body heat is being used to power machines that for some reason let us live and oh shit brain hurting matrix too complicated and crap?

How come nobody teaches my theory, that life is like a box of chocolates?

It's because teaching theories like Intelligent Design in science class is like teaching professional wrestling in P.E class. It just doesn't make sense.

Though that would be pretty wicked. I bet I could write 3000 words on why the WWF should never have given the World Title to the Big Show in 1999. That would be hot.

Monday, November 14

I really should wait until I graduate before I write this, but what the shit - I am completely out of material after I used the gay marriage card a few posts ago, so it's downhill from here anyway.

For the last three years, I've been completing a media degree at a university that shall not be named because I will get into trouble if someone reads this. I had about two subjects a year where I had to produce actual journalism - real stories about real events and real people. Problem is - I don't really care for that stuff. Calling people up for info, interviewing sources, unearthing scoops, it ain't for me.

So I made it up.

When I had to produce waivers for interviews I conducted, I made them up. Sometimes I'd use my mates and attribute quotes to them (and then forge their sigs). Sometimes I invented people, like my personal favourite 'unamed ALP campaign worker in the seat of Mitchell'. Considering the ALP primary vote in Mitchell, I don't think they have any campaign workers and if they did I doubt they'd be able to communicate verbally. Maybe a complex series of winks, I dunno.

Most recently I had to document my experience on the Sydney suburban rail network, so I wrote about a few trips that I never actually took. In my time at uni, 1 piece out of about 10 was legit journalism. The rest was... how you say... Daily Telegraph-ish

So in summation, I am a fraud. Anything I say on this blog may or may not be completely fabricated. I mightn't even work at Subway and like 24. For all you know I could be a fat chick working at Hungry Jacks who likes Alias. Wouldn't that be fucking trippy. Some fat bitch with two sets of tits because her stomach folds onto itself when she sits down lecturing you about gay marriage and terrorism, her acne-spotted face excreting grease with every keystroke while her abusive father hammers on her bedroom door

Stop writing your bloody stories in there Janice! he says (her name would be Janice)


I'm off topic.

If any of my lecturers are reading this, this blog is completely fabricated please don't fail me or I'll cut myself

Friday, November 11


send help

Tuesday, November 8

I haven't written anything for the blog in ages, and it looks like the homo marriage blog has quietened down, so I've been trawling through the news looking for something to comment on.

There was the awesome raid against suspected terrorists in Sydney and Melbourne this morning, and also the terrorist suspect who got shot in the neck by the cops at Green Valley, which is equally awesome, especially if it was captured on film and starred Benincio Del Toro.

Then there was the Lane Cove tunnel collapse last week, which should give those dickheads at the Lane Cove Tunnel Action group some more stuff to bitch about on their annoying signs on Epping Rd.

There's also the riots in France, where France proved once again they're the toughest mofos on the planet by letting a bunch of unemployed youths hold a few cities to ransom. I believe the French Government's next course of action is to send in copies of 'Pootie Tang' to calm down the rioters, as it is obviously against French custom to SHOOT PEOPLE WHO BURN THINGS.

And Bert signed with Channel Nine!

But none of this stuff really interests me (except for Bert). Not when there is something even more important to write about. Something that is perhaps the most important topic I have ever discussed on TommyIsCoolDotCom.

Nicolas Cage is a tool.

You'd think the star of movies like Face Off, Con Air and National Treasure would be a cool guy. You'd think that a legendary action movie star wou-

Wait wait wait, he was in National Treasure?

Oh well fuck him.

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Hello, I have Down Syndrome

Nicolas Cage is an arrogant piece of overhyped bald crap. This buck-toothed tool has the hide to criticise the producers of the latest James Bond film, because they rejected him for being 'American'. Apparently Nic thinks:

"You can cast a Brit to play Bond but you can never cast an American to play him.

"I think that is totally unfair."

I shouldn't really have a go at him, after all I said the same thing when I was rejected for the role of Shaft. Apparently only a black person can play a black detective now. I thought we lived in a democracy, or at least a sub-democracy.





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He has his Sake shaken, not stirred



Thursday, November 3

South Park is ripping me off!@!$#

I guess by Season Nine it's tough to come up with new material so they've gone and BLATANTLY STOLEN my whole 'make a thing about Gay Marriage' idea.


This is the most recent episode:
910 - Follow That Egg
Airdate: 2005-11-02
Mrs. Garrison realizes he still has feelings for Mr. Slave. But, Mr. Slave has moved on. He plans to marry his new love as soon as the Governor signs the same-sex marriage bill. Mrs. Garrison leads the charge against gay marriage.

Soon they will make a very special episode of South Park where Kyle has a website and he lets Stan makes a post about anti-terror legislation and then Stan and Wendy get into a massive fight with Mr Garrison about the Iraq War while Kyle sits and giggles and counts his Jew Gold because he got like a billion hits to his site

Or something like that