MATTHEW REILLY IS A WORTHLESS HACK
An unbiased exploration of the work of author Matthew Reilly
I read a lot of books, and have done since I was a little tacker. Don't get me wrong though, I'm no literary boffin, it's not Catcher in the Rye or Tale of Two Cities I read, it's books by guys like Michael Crichton and Tom Clancy. Nice action/political/science/Velociraptor thrillers - books that are well-written and paced, but don't contain any pooncy words like 'boffin'.
But even I have standards.
I've read some of the most ridiculous, insane books you could imagine. One where the President is replaced by a clone and has to clear his name Fugitive style. One where a terror cell threatened to blow up London landmarks with rocket launchers fired from dingies, only to be stopped by a Sherlock Holmes style detective, complete with an evil pooncy villain who kidnapped his partner. I've even read Emma.
And then one Christmas I was given a book so woefully awful, so horribly inaedequate, so adverb adjective, that it hurt me inside. It was a book called Area 7. The author - Matthew Reilly. It tells the story of Marine Shane Schofield and his team, who are escorting the President on an inspection of of Area 7, a top secret Air Force base. Of course, all is not as it seems, and Schofield is forced to fight his way through an enemy force determined to see the end of the United States of America.
Sounds hot, right? 'enemy force', 'top secret', 'end of the United States of America'. But then you read it.
This is what Matthew Perry would look like if he had been sexually molested by a bus when he was twelve.
Matthew Reilly writes worse than I do, which is why I'm allowed to bag him out. He is dead set the single worst author in the history of the novel. Tomorrow When The War Began looks like fucking Shakespeare crossed with Dickins when you read Area 7. A typical Area 7 page contains at least two of the following elements.
a) A paramilitary team
b) An explosive firefight
c) People running/escaping
d) Wild animals loose from their cages (I am not joking)
Here's an example I prepared earlier.
Schofield looked around the room, scanning for hostiles. His M64a1 Carbine was secured firmly in his hands. He looked up, past the control panel which controlled the only exit out of the facility which will be referred to again later in the novel. But something was different. Something was wrong.
Very wrong.
He spun around, shooting a torrential waterfall of bullets as he dived for cover! Shell casings littered the steel floor, unecessary exclamation! But his enemy did not flinch, short sentence. Because his enemy was a bear. Shorter sentence. An angry bear. Really short sentence.
A bear.
*End Chapter 12*
Now, you probably think that's poorly-done parody. Oh Tommy, you say to yourself, straddling your bowl of Twisties, nobody could possibly write that bad and get published. Well, you're wrong. Matthew Reilly has 6 published books. They are Australian and international bestsellers. One is being optioned into a movie. And in case you're still not convinced he is a horrible writer, I give you his most recent novel.
'Hover Car Racer'
Yes, Hover Car Racer tells the story of Jason Chaser, a Hover Car Racer. He's 'a boy in a man's world - pitted against the cutthroat future world of near-supersonic racing'. Christ, even the blurb is horrible.
HIS NAME RHYMES WITH HIS OCCUPATION!@#e@
Ian Fleming didn't name James Bond 'MICHAEL TAGENT, SECRET AGENT'. You know why he didn't, Reilly?
BECAUSE IAN FLEMING KNEW HOW TO WRITE A FUCKING BOOK, THAT'S WHY
YOU WORTHLESS HACK!@ YOU CAN'T RHYME YOUR TITLE WITH YOUR CHARACTER!!
!@#$$
On a more personal note, how come this is the second blog in a week or so that has ended with me referencing James Bond, then yelling in bolded caps? All it needs is a picture of Samo Hu-
Oh my god.
37 comments:
I actually saw Matt Rielly speaking at a conference last year and while he was mildly entertaining, he has no idea how poor his books are. He actually believe there is a market for "novels that are all action, where people don't have to wait and wait for the next action sequence" (I actually wrote that down at the time because it was such a an absurd statement.)
For some reason, he couldn't get his script accepted by anybody (The AFI are more willing to accept the script for 'Deck Dogz' then they are to accept a Riley script...is that telling you something?) so the arsehole hired a chopper and took some shots of the Sydney Olympic sitea and made his own trailer with no vision aside a few pretty shots of Telstra Stadium and a shot of the Harbour Bridge with some mood music and a voice-over...and then really expected that submitting that heap of shit would get his film made.
He thinks of himself as an "industry leader." His first book would not get published by publishers (most probably because it SUCKED ARSE) so he decided to do some self publishing like the toss that he is. He eventually bribed some guy at the bookstore to sell his books and all of a sudden the idiots of the world began to read his dribble.
Thank you Tommy for opening the eyes of the world to how piss poor Reilly truly is.
(I spelt Reilly three different ways in this one post.)
*gives Tommy a Maghook for Xmas*
what are u rebelling against
he's just bitter cause hes got a shit degree and no one apart from us are ever going to read his work. i mean, i had a wider audience with my passing show article tommy. just so bitter.
and he does know he's providing trash novels to a hungry public. listening to an interview on jjj with him and he read bits of his stuff, taking the piss out of the writing because it is trash. but he's making a crapload of money so why the hell not. and he has a de lorean
poose maybe you should write that comment again after you've taken matthew reilly's dick out of your mouth
Maybe you should all go and fuck Marget Thatcher while she bakes a pie.
Your father wasnt black and you arn't either.
You make that de lorean comment like it's a good thing.......
Besides the De Lorean not ACTUALLY being able to achieve a speed of 88 miles/hour... it does look cool.
"I've read some of the most ridiculous, insane books you could imagine. One where the President is replaced by a clone and has to clear his name Fugitive style. One where a terror cell threatened to blow up London landmarks with rocket launchers fired from dingies"
sorry but if this is what you class as amazing ridiculous and most insane things, i really doubt you are well read, infact maybe its time your daddy stopped reading bedtimes stories to you.
The De Lorean doesn't even look cool, the only reason it had even the slightest of what you may call success was all because of Back to the future.
why are we still talking about the De Lorean :|
Because for someone to aspire to acquire a De Lorean is like committing a crime against humanity.
No, I know; you *did* send me back to the future. But I'm back - I'm back *from* the future.
marrttyyyyyyyyy
we gotta go bacckkkkkkk
back where?
roads?
I take the time to remind you that the Delorean had gull-wing doors.
Helping it aquire at least 4.3 Cool Points on initial viewing.
... sure it looks about as supercar-ish as a Cordia Turbo, but they are apparently an exceptionally reliable vehicle.
any chance for a definition of what a Delorean is?
As in the car? Just have a look at back to the future. It is the silver pile of crap in the movie. Delorean and supercar do not belong in the same sentence. John De Lorean was the founder of the company because after many years working at General Motors he decided he could build a better car than anyone else. So he goes out and co-designs and builds the De Lorean DMC-12. This car had a brushed stainless steel look body and had gull-wing doors which was it's gimmick. The car weighed 1300-1400 kg and had I think around 140 horsepower and from what I have heard had no end of reliability issues. It struggled to do the 100 in under 10 seconds which even back in the 80's was just crap!! The only reason it was ever popular was because of the back to the future series. So really Skeletor is trying to defend a ship that has already sunk to the bottom of the ocean.
Wow, and I thought the comments in the Intelligent Design thread were boring
pfff, I'd never buy one.
It has tonnes of draw backs, but if you're going to tell me that those gull-wing doors aren't just plain cool: you've got nuthin'.
Sorry Tommy :)
The Delorean after back to the future is like pop art. If you owned one you wouldn't drive it around as your regular car or show up to Parra Maccas and pop the hood.
You can list the cons of why you don't like it or it doesn't go as hard as a wrx but it doesn't change the fact it is iconic and people who see one will be impressed simply by the lack of them on the roads... most likely because it is a "silver pile of crap" as you so eloquently put it.
VORD - I am not saying that the Delorean isn't iconic, there are idiots out there who still own them and think they are fantastic, there is still a company in the states whose sole business is to repair and keep the 6,000 odd cars that are left on the road running for many years to come. I am saying it is iconic for all the wrong reasons. I was not saying because it doesn't go as hard as a WRX that it was no good, no no. It would be stupid to compare cars back in the 80's to cars these days, mass production, turbos, computer controlled engine management have all meant that performance these days is much more easliy obtained. But what I was saying is that you compare what you got for your $30k USD for a Delorean to the competition was like chaulk and cheese. You could buy a mid level Mustang, Corevette, Porsche even for that sort of money and get a far superior car in every aspect. There are plenty of classic and highly sort after cars from yester-years that compared to today's standards are slow. But in their day they were the fastest things on the road and that's what makes them classics they were ahead of their time. The Mini Cooper S - stuck it to the XU1 Torana's and Mustangs around bathurst, Mustang - Power driveability and all round cool factor, Ford GT40 - Won the closest LeMans in history also has a timeless image, VW Beetle - there was more of these cars made than any other, Porsche 911 - has roughly kept the same design and shape for more than 40 years, Mclaren F1 - Fastest car in the world for 10 years, Ferrari F40 - huge power and balastic delivery of this power. All of these cars are classic and iconic for their own different reasons but all worthy. The Delorean is iconic but it is not worthy of it's iconic status. That is my point.
Skeletor - I've got nuthin'? Really, cause I agree that gull-wing doors are cool. The Mercedes 300SL gull-wing is one of the coolest cars around, this car is what gave the gull-wing doors their iconic status. But..... gull-wing doors on a car that looks like a cross between a cordia and a 70's Lancia is not cool, it is a gimmick to try and make people look past it's crap looks, it's lack of performance and every other deplorable aspect of the car. It is like the company in Melbourne who will for a pretty penny convert your run of the mill holden, ford or family sedan to gull-wing doors. This is no simple conversion and the engineering and effort involved in this is impressive no doubt. But gull-wing doors on your ford falcon sedan is not cool. Maybe to our ethnic based community gull-wing doors on your full sick WRX with spinners and a 3 inch chrome tip exhaust is cool, but in my mind it's pulling your pud just a bit too much. It's not the doors that make the car it's the whole package and that is why only very few cars produced come out with gull-wing doors.
did you get touched in your bathing suit area by a de lorean or something?
OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL SPEAKING
matthew reilly can't spell 'acknowledgements'
"Yes. Absolutely. I always write in the Acnowledgements pages of my books "To anyone who knows a writer, never underestimate the power of your encouragement."
from http://www.matthewreilly.com/low/faq1.htm
he's almost as dumb as someone paying 30k USD for a Delorean when you could buy a mid level Mustang, Corvette or even a Porsche for that sort of money
Who cares about Matthew Reilly, we are talking about the molesting predator Deloreans.
I would read those long car posts but I am afraid my eyes will bleed.
bleed from what
It's because he doesn't know what you are talking about.
correction, don't want to know!
Doesn't matter, you still don't know. Care for a cigarette now?
hahahahahaha
Oh yeah bitch he owned you.
I love de loreans, I actually own one. They are the greatest cars on the road today!
I wish I had two or three of them.
man that would be so hot
Why don't you own two or three?
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