tommyiscooldotcom

There's this big thing in the local entertainment media that the Australian film industry is terminally ill, that unless it is given more funding, it will continue to produce mediocre results at the box office. Now, I'm no Hollywood studio chief (not since I greenlit 'The Legend of Bagger Vance'), so I'll let star of 'The Castle' and all-round legend Michael Caton to do the talking.

"I think in some ways a lot of people have made movies for their friends rather than for a mainstream audience," Caton said.

A normal person would agree with Mr. Caton. I go to the movies a few times a month, but the last Australian movie I saw was Crackerjack in the year 2002. The last collection of pissweak jokes done by untalented wogs I saw was Fat Pizza in the year 2003. That's it. The only Australian movie that has come out in the last three years that I've wanted to see is Wolf Creek, and even then I can barely get my mates to fire up enough to watch it. Is it their fault for not recognising the awesome talent of former Better Homes and Gardens co-host John Jarratt? Maybe.

In 1972, John Jarratt's beard won an AFI Award

But it's the Australian film industry's fault for making so many shitty, elitist movies that when a good one finally comes out, people don't want to see them!

Let's take a look at the current batch of Aussie films.

(I think I just heard the hits to my site crash)

The Proposition: In this uncompromising Australian period drama set in the 1880s, three brothers fight for their place in a beautiful, brutal landscape, but, in a seemingly impossible proposition, one must be forsaken to save another.

...

'Hey Bruce, nobody is coming to see Australian movies'
'Let's make a period drama set in the 1880's'
'That's bloody brilliant'

Look Both Ways: Animator Sarah Watt's first feature film explores the lives of a number of damaged people over one weekend in Adelaide. Meryl, an artist, arrives home after attending her father's funeral; there is news of a train crash, and she is almost witness to the death of a man on a railway line.

No.

Little Fish: Tracy Heart is an ex-junkie who swims, works, sleeps and lives with her mother in Sydney’s Little Saigon, dreaming of a better life. But the unexpected return of her ex-boyfriend, the criminal aspirations of her brother and the emotional draw of a troubled family friend creates friction for Tracy. Her dream soon becomes entangled with criminal boss Bradley "The Jockey" Thompson with shattering consequences.

This one scooped up loads of awards. It stars Cate Blanchett and Sam Neil. Because Sam Neil just isn't in enough Australian movies.

Notice a trend with these movies? They're all quirky abstract dramas. No thrillers, no action movies, no straight-up dramas that tell a story Australians can relate to. And when the industry makes a genre flick like Wolf Creek, or a decent comedy like The Castle or Crackerjack, they wonder why it's successful. And then they go and hire Claudia Karvan and David Wenham and make a movie about a struggling artist who befriends a young Taiwanese boy and begins a journey of self-discovery that leads her to inner-city Melbourne and the warm embrace of a multicultural society.

I think the world would be better off if Australian actors just stuck to what they do best

Amateur pornos.

Isn't that right, Sally from Home and Away?