Tuesday, February 20

Two Sort-Of Freaky Heads Are Better Than One Completely Freaky Head

OK, brace yourselves, people. I know that, lately, I've been posting a whole lot of weird stuff and videos you'd probably prefer never to have been exposed to, but once I'm involved in something I don't quit until it's done. This is also why I am still campaigning for Sir William Lyne to become Australia's Prime Minister. Sorry, K-Rudd, Willy was here first.

Oh God, what a beard. You glorious bastard.

Anyway. Strap yourselves in. Batten down some fucking hatches.

Now, this whole 'two-headed' issue has brought up a number of questions I believe need answering.

  • When it comes to love and marriage, will they both have to love one dude and he'll be married to one? Or two? or something?

  • How many tits do they have?

  • Does their mother let them go out trick or treating for Halloween? If they knocked on my door I would be scared shitless and try to hit them with a shovel. Or, best costume ever award.

  • So is it incest if they, uh, yeah. We'll come back to that one later, maybe.

  • If one of them consents to a sexual act but the other doesn't, did a rape occur?

  • If they find they were abducted and neither consented to sex and were raped, do they charge the rapist with one count of rape or two?

  • They each control an arm, but what if one was right handed and the other was left handed? But, like, the wrong way around.

  • When you call them over, do you have to call both of them? I'm assuming you only need to call one, because the other will always come with her, but is it rude not to call both?

  • Ooh, I got another one. If a vampire were to turn one of them but not the other, what would happen if she went out into the sun? Would part of her dissolve into ash and then she's normal? Shit the girl has two hearts, which one do you stake?

  • If they make out with one another, is that incest or masturbation?

  • If one of them masturbates, she's fingering her sister. So they'd have to discuss when to masturbate. What if one's in the mood to and the other one doesn't want to? Fuck. There are too many questions.

  • I'm also guessing every porn site on the internet will be bidding for them to do some type of porn once they turn legal.

  • If they have a kid who is the mother? I hereby demand to know what happens if one wants an abortion and the other doesn't.

  • Can they breed and make a race of two-headed people.

  • Who wipes the ass?

  • How are they allowed to drive? I'd fucking wreck the shit out of my car if I saw that on the road, because I'd fucking flip out. That shit is crazy.

  • What if Nazis opened up the Ark of the Covenant in front of them and one looked while the other didn't? OR, what happens if one drank from a false Grail while the other drank from the real Grail?

  • Would mutual simultaneous oral sex with them be called a 68?

  • If one of them ever commited a crime, would she be jailed? I mean, the other one is innocent.

  • If they have two stomachs, do both need to eat?

  • If one punches the other in the face, do both feel it? Maybe they could just have an arm wrestling contest.

  • If they got glasses, would the kids at school call them 'eight-eyes'?

  • If you kick a soccer ball in the air near them, do you still say 'heads up'?

  • Do they kiss each other on the lips when they sleep?

  • What if one's in deep, deep sleep, and the other has to pee?

  • Can one of them hold their breath indefinately because the other one will be oxygenating their blood?

  • If they go underwater, can they stay under extra long because they have more lungs?

  • Do you think you could convince one that the other is secretly plotting against her?

  • If one converts to Judaism is the other one allowed to eat pork? Actually, look at them, do you think God cares?

  • What happens if they both turned their heads around at the same instant and clashed heads? Could you say you just saw someone headbutt themselves?

    OK, seriously, I have to stop now. I'm giving myself an aneurysm.

    Tommy said...

    this is your best blog ever, except all the ones i wrote with you, because as those girls prove, two heads are better tha-...

    actually no, i'd probably just choose one

    silpheed said...

    i'd do the one on our right, i'd need a wingman for the one on the left though.

    Mitch said...

    tommy you are making me cry

    that was fucking golden