Wednesday, February 28

BOOBS

Completely without Tommy's permission, I am declaring Wednesday to be 'Boobs Day' on Tommy's blog. Enjoy.
(Note: This is 'without Tommy's permission' because he asked me to make it 'Penises Day')























And the images that started me off on this tangent today...








Oh yeah. Happy Wednesday.

Monday, February 26

Oscar's Fashion (apostrophe incorrectly placed)

Hi, web-log readers. Tommy was way too lazy to write something about the Oscars so he asked me to do something really quick and dirty for him. And also to write this blog.

...

Moving on.

Let's talk Oscars, shall we people?

I'd like to start off with...



.. Reese Witherspoon. This is just to ease you guys into the blog with the tastiest freakin' MILF this side of Kate Beckinsale. Sure, she has a weirdly shaped nose.. forehead... well, the majority of her face. But fuck, like I always say, you ain't lookin at the mantlepiece while you're stoking the fire. Am I right? Am I right?? The guys know what I'm talkin' about.



Next we have Jennifer Lopez and what appears to be the reanimated corpse of Steve Buscemi. Seriously, there's something wrong with the world when it leads to people this disgusting and wrong being allowed to tap an ass like that. That's right, zombie Steve Buscemi has a great ass.



Speaking of reanimated dead corpses, this emaciated husk of a person was apparently Cameron Diaz a long time ago. Who knew?



That is Kate Winslet, believe it or not. I am struggling to insult her sufficiently with words, so allow me to do it with another image.



There we go. We were all thinking it.



HOLY SHIT SOME BITCH ATE BEYONCE!!



You know in school how you could be doing a maths problem and it's really difficult and you have no idea what the answer is and then someone comes along and points it out to you and all of a sudden you realise it was staring you in the face all along? Portia de Rossi is a lesbian.



Eddie Murphy has this look on his face that's like 'If I just get through these photographers real quick maybe I can get in.. maybe I'll just bribe the security guy at the door with a signed copy of Daddy Day Care or something... please don't mention I made those movies where I play multiple characters.. oh God what happened to me I was the guy in Raw for fuck's sake'.



That dress makes it look like she put on body armour. Granted she looks like an overfed pig so it's a fair bet someone might try to stick her with a spear. She's at the Oscars so apparently this chick is good at something. It's not dress selection.



This is a thankyou present for sitting through this. Look at those big... personalities...

Saturday, February 24

Oz Loves Cheney! In other news, Britney Spears lead singer of Smashing Pumpkins



The Drudge Report is one of the biggest sites on the net. A few years ago, it broke the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky story. Not surprisingly, the guy behind the Report, Matt Drudge, is a bit of a righty. The gist of the site is that it links to the major news items of the day, but it has a pretty obvious bias against certain topics, like lefties, Barbara Streisand and global warming.

Though, its bias was never so obvious as it is today. Yes, it's time to go all Media Watch on your asses. Check this out.


Oz Loves Cheney. That's why a few chunks of the Sydney CBD were shut down to stop protesters, why a few people were arrested and why there's a Secret Service sniper training a red dot on my forehead as I type this. But hey, some Young Lib made a POSTER! We love you, Dick!



damn it

Thursday, February 22

Well, at least you're not Tom Cruise..

I know it's pretty stupid to start an argument with an example from a nutbar in America, but here goes...



And that's today's subjects kiddos. Atheists. The other white people.

For the record, I'm not an atheist. I'm agnostic, which is a nice way of saying I have no clue. But I do think having faith that there is no God is only a tiny bit less intellectually retarded than having faith that there is a God.

Sure, atheist's beliefs are backed up by a little more substantial evidence and a little less magic, but they still make the basic assumption that we as humans can know the answers to the universe. Their answers are just different from the folk who think a wizard did it.

In my opinion, how we got here, how matter was formed out of nothing, is a question nobody can profess to answer. I don't think it will ever be answered. Just like I don't think a kitty cat could understand quantum physics, I don't think humans can ever understand the universe.


he tried :(


But, enough of my disclaimer. See that letter at the top? I get that it's one chick. One crazy, most likely fat chick. But she's not the only one.




Seriously, if I was an atheist, I would curse the being I think doesn't exist right about now. They lose out to MORMONS? I mean, sure, having 7 wives means 7 more votes, but even Christians bag out Mormons! Mormons are to Christians like Britney Spears is to Lindsay Lohan. Even she's like 'Girl, you need some help.'

And while we're there - MUSLIMS? And this is in America! They get blown up by Muslims! Repeatedly!

The average American voter would put a burqa over Lady Liberty before they let a guy who thinks that whole 'walking on water' thing sounds a bit suss have control of the nuclear arsenal! At least he can work on fucking Sunday! That's 1/7th more work!

But hey, at least they beat Scientologists. By three percent. You know what three percent is? In the margin of error.

This poll says that Americans would be three percent away from a war with Xenu before they even contemplated letting Joe Atheist sit behind the big desk.

Though, I gotta say, having 'Atheist' as his last name probably wouldn't help the campaign much. I'd change it to something more acceptable, like 'Jesus', or 'Obama'.



But it's not just in polls. In America, eight states have still yet to remove (un-enforcable) clauses in their constitution that prohibit atheists from running for political office. And you don't even wanna know what they do to witches.

It's a lot better in Australia though, where prominent politicians have publicly declared that they're pagan bastards.

Like Mark Latham.

Ok, that was a bad example.

Especially because his eventual successor, Kevin Rudd devoted some of his first media to some boring shit about the origins of liberal Christianity.


Now for the bit where I make my point



I don't like the idea that atheists, people who, on the whole, put their faith in cold hard facts and rely on emperical evidence to make their judgements, are marginalised in society.

I don't like that in the last U.S Congress, there were 0 atheists, yet 1 former KKK member, 1 pedo, at least 3 known alcoholics and a guy who thought Bill Clinton tried to assassinate him are currently making policy that affects the entire world.

Maybe rather than excluding atheists from the democratic process, Christians and Jews and Muslims should do more to include them. Because I'm sure in between the bits about atheists burning in eternal hellfire while 69'ing Saddam Hussein, the good books say to love thy neighbour.

And maybe the religious folk should do more to isolate the nutbars like we saw in the first letter. Maybe then religion would have a better image, nobody would be an atheist, and our streets would finally be crime free.

But, until then, I guess we're stuck with this for a while...


If I wasn't going to hell already, I think this pic just sealed it.





Tuesday, February 20

Two Sort-Of Freaky Heads Are Better Than One Completely Freaky Head

OK, brace yourselves, people. I know that, lately, I've been posting a whole lot of weird stuff and videos you'd probably prefer never to have been exposed to, but once I'm involved in something I don't quit until it's done. This is also why I am still campaigning for Sir William Lyne to become Australia's Prime Minister. Sorry, K-Rudd, Willy was here first.


Oh God, what a beard. You glorious bastard.


Anyway. Strap yourselves in. Batten down some fucking hatches.





Now, this whole 'two-headed' issue has brought up a number of questions I believe need answering.

  • When it comes to love and marriage, will they both have to love one dude and he'll be married to one? Or two? or something?

  • How many tits do they have?

  • Does their mother let them go out trick or treating for Halloween? If they knocked on my door I would be scared shitless and try to hit them with a shovel. Or, best costume ever award.

  • So is it incest if they, uh, yeah. We'll come back to that one later, maybe.

  • If one of them consents to a sexual act but the other doesn't, did a rape occur?

  • If they find they were abducted and neither consented to sex and were raped, do they charge the rapist with one count of rape or two?

  • They each control an arm, but what if one was right handed and the other was left handed? But, like, the wrong way around.

  • When you call them over, do you have to call both of them? I'm assuming you only need to call one, because the other will always come with her, but is it rude not to call both?

  • Ooh, I got another one. If a vampire were to turn one of them but not the other, what would happen if she went out into the sun? Would part of her dissolve into ash and then she's normal? Shit the girl has two hearts, which one do you stake?

  • If they make out with one another, is that incest or masturbation?

  • If one of them masturbates, she's fingering her sister. So they'd have to discuss when to masturbate. What if one's in the mood to and the other one doesn't want to? Fuck. There are too many questions.

  • I'm also guessing every porn site on the internet will be bidding for them to do some type of porn once they turn legal.

  • If they have a kid who is the mother? I hereby demand to know what happens if one wants an abortion and the other doesn't.

  • Can they breed and make a race of two-headed people.

  • Who wipes the ass?

  • How are they allowed to drive? I'd fucking wreck the shit out of my car if I saw that on the road, because I'd fucking flip out. That shit is crazy.

  • What if Nazis opened up the Ark of the Covenant in front of them and one looked while the other didn't? OR, what happens if one drank from a false Grail while the other drank from the real Grail?

  • Would mutual simultaneous oral sex with them be called a 68?

  • If one of them ever commited a crime, would she be jailed? I mean, the other one is innocent.

  • If they have two stomachs, do both need to eat?

  • If one punches the other in the face, do both feel it? Maybe they could just have an arm wrestling contest.

  • If they got glasses, would the kids at school call them 'eight-eyes'?

  • If you kick a soccer ball in the air near them, do you still say 'heads up'?

  • Do they kiss each other on the lips when they sleep?

  • What if one's in deep, deep sleep, and the other has to pee?

  • Can one of them hold their breath indefinately because the other one will be oxygenating their blood?

  • If they go underwater, can they stay under extra long because they have more lungs?

  • Do you think you could convince one that the other is secretly plotting against her?

  • If one converts to Judaism is the other one allowed to eat pork? Actually, look at them, do you think God cares?

  • What happens if they both turned their heads around at the same instant and clashed heads? Could you say you just saw someone headbutt themselves?

    OK, seriously, I have to stop now. I'm giving myself an aneurysm.
  • Monday, February 19

    Oops I Checked Into Rehab and Shaved My Head and Will Probably Accidentally Kill My Child.... again


    So, Britney shaved her head. A few days old, I know, but good on you Brit. The buzzcut is quite easily the coolest of all haircuts, even if sometimes people say you look like a kid from Camp Quality. Every day is a bonus.

    This led to an onslaught of dodgy newspaper headlines, like 'Britney Shears', 'Snip Me Baby One More Time', 'Headline Writer Fired For Bad Puns' and multiple variations of 'Oops' by unoriginal dorks with no creativity left after that fantastic blog where he said he didn't like Indians.

    But, with Britney being the queen of the tabloids, her new hairstyle has sent shockwaves through Hollywood. Stars are clamouring over themselves to jump on the 'leukemia victim' bandwagon. Bald is the new blue. (blue was the new black).

    Take a look. First, our own big Russ got in on the action..



    Then, wary of his Oscar-rival, America's favourite actor Tom Hanks joined the bald club. Though, it might have been because of his next film : Philadelphia 2: Electric Boogaloo.



    Even declining stars have gotten in on the action. Comedian and actress Whoopi Goldberg, desperate for attention, shaved off her famous dreadlocks...



    And finally, don't think Russ was the only Aussie to go bald. Even some desperate, old, over-the-hill Australian stars decided to go for the bald look too...





    I really need to get over John Howard.

    Friday, February 16

    Short memory must have a... shoooorr-ooor--orrt memory

    To tide you over while DaxFlame/Bernice makes his decision whether to keep video blogging, here's a video of kids at a Jesus Camp worshipping cardboard George Bush. Not surprisingly, cardboard George Bush is the one who came up with the whole 'Iraq War' thing. Oh cardboard George Bush, how could we stay angry at you.


    Later, Cardboard Bush tried to steal the baby's jetpack, only to get captured by recyclers



    Meanwhile, back home, Midnight Oil frontbencher Peter Garrett is in a whole heap of shizzle for.. well, selling out.

    Garrett changes mind on military base

    The Federal Opposition's environment spokesman, Peter Garrett, says he fully supports a proposed United States defence facility at Geraldton in Western Australia.

    Yesterday Labor Defence spokesman Joel Fitzgibbon declared Labor's support for the satellite base, but Mr Garrett refused to comment despite being a long-time opponent of such bases.

    But today Mr Garrett says his views have evolved over time.

    "I 100 per cent support the Defence Minister on that issue," he said.

    from Your ABC


    In other news, Garrett now sleeps like a baby when beds are burning.

    But the poor guy. Being held back because of a bunch of song lyrics he wrote a few decades ago. If I'm ever in parliament, I really hope nothing I say here is used against me.




    Next on the blog: Indians - Do we really need them?

    Wednesday, February 14

    WATCH OUT BERNICE - BERT HAS A HAMMER

    Ladies and gentlemen (okay, mostly gentlemen), I have something awesome to show you.

    This is my friend Bernice, and he has a video blog. Recently someone sent him quite a mean message which he didn't take well to. This was his response:



    Did you hear that? 'Y'all are the ones who don't know things'. He sure stuck it to us. But, in the guy's defence, it is fun to watch stupid people.

    Demonstration:


    This kid is a school shooting waiting to happen. In about two years he's going to take out his whole school with a semi-automatic whilst draped in the skin of dead prostitutes. But first, more videos:



    ^^ Damn man, Bernice has some smooooooth mutha fuckin' moves, dawg. If you ask me, the only way she could have come on to him more was by taking off his blazer and button-up shirt and licking his two neck moles.



    ^^ This one is worth watching just for the first twenty seconds. Like, he had me fooled at first and I thought it was just great timing that he turned on his camera at the exact right time that there was an earthquake, but then it all goes horribly wrong...





    ^^ Bernice heads out and totally smokes some thugs on the b-ball court, yo.



    ^^ Bernice makes a slight error in his friend selection. This 'Jacob' kid sounds like he's way too uptight. Also:



    The following are Bernice's two 'motion pictures'.

    Superman (Better than the original and way hotter too):




    DO BIRDS FLY? TIME TO SHAVE THE DAY!


    And 'Cool Moves':




    ARE YOU READY? I DON'T THINK YOU ARE!


    With that, I leave you to roam Bernice's profile (make sure to check out the time Jacob came over), but I will point out one final thing:


























    HE TUCKS HIS JACKET INTO HIS PANTS!!

    I HAVE A NEW GOD




    * Yes, we are aware that this is most likely fake, but the kid's obviously such a genius actor with a gift for comedy gold and reminded us so much of a young Bert Newton with Asperger's Syndrome that we thought we'd make a blog about it anyway.

    Tuesday, February 13

    WARNING: THIS POST IS ABOUT PENISES

    Whilst cruising the Internet on my daily search for foreskin-related information, I stumbled across the following - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/6355447.stm and figured it would make a swell Valentine's Day Eve blog for you guys and break up the dull monotony of Tommy's politics posts. Incidentally, Tommy plans to spend Valentine's Day the same way he does every year, jerking off into a sock puppet whilst looking at pictures of Mark Latham. But now, on to the article:

    Uncircumcised pupils sent home
    A Kenyan secondary school has sent home 20 boys because they were not circumcised, saying it feared they would be bullied by other students.

    "Please do the needful within two weeks and let your son report back to school with you immediately he is well," a letter to parents from the school said.

    Circumcision is not obligatory for admission to secondary school.
    Now, this article raises a few concerns for me. Before we get into all that, though, there’s something you should know about me. I myself am circumcised. I didn’t do it for religious reasons, I did it for the ladies. Back when I was just a baby (I could speak whilst I was still in the womb) I was well aware I was going to grow up to be the smooth, fly playa that we all know and love today and that, if I was ever going to be able to meet my potential, I was going to have to have a cock that didn’t look like an alien freak stick.


    This was one of the few SFW images I found when I searched for 'circumcision'.


    But, my own personal prejudices aside, what the shit is this school thinking? I don’t know how things work in Africa (most of my knowledge of African society I learned from that movie Blood Diamond and I’m not even sure that that was set in Africa), but this was not a common schoolyard conversation back when I was a little tacker:

    "Hey, I’m new here, can I play with you guys?"
    "Whip out your cock first."
    "Wai...what?"
    "Just do it."
    *unzip*
    "A TURTLENECK! GET IM, FELLAS!”
    *Severe beating ensues*

    I never heard shit go down like that once, but I can imagine it’s really hard to defend yourself from a beating when your dick is hanging out of your pants. The really worrying thing here is how exactly the school found out that these kids hadn’t had the big ‘snip’. Or, in the case of African society, the big ‘repeated smashing with a dull rock’.


    Jus sittin' here, chillin' after having my dick skin cut off.


    Second, look at the letter this principal wrote. ‘Please do the needful’. Either that’s a thinly veiled request to the parents to go outside and start boning a few homeless people or this school ain’t worth shit anyways. ‘Let your son report back to school with you immediately he is well’. This African school must use text books called ‘Let’s Use Gooder English’ and ‘Lead Poisoning: The Benefits You Weren’t Aware Of’. I mean, this sounds like one of those Nigerian scam emails but instead of your bank details they want your bloody foreskin.


    Yo, we be kickin' it old school.


    Not to mention that circumcision on infants is fairly commonplace and is basically a perfected art. Actually, now that I think about it, ‘art’ may be a strong word. Or, if it isn’t I’m never going to another fucking art gallery in my life. Anyway, the thought I will leave you with here is: mishandled adolescent circumcision = stitches in your penis. Holy fucking ow.