Friday, August 4

When you're young, life is simple. When you're playing with your brother in the front yard and you graze your ankle, you go to the big tree near the neighbours fence and rub some purple flowers on it. And damn it, it works. And when you're bored, you don't need an XBox 360, or Foxtel Digital, or Jenna Jameson. All you need is some ACTION FIGURES

Action figures provided the staple of my entertainment needs until the invention of the internet. At first, they were hand-me-downs. My brother's old Action Man, complete with eyes that you could move from side to side (shifty eyes). My brother's old G.I Joe and M.A.S.K figures, my sister's Playhouse Barb-

And then, in 1989 at the ripe old age of 6, I got my first action figure of my own. It was one of WWF Superstar Rick Rude, complete with poseable headlock grip. That was quickly followed by WWF Superstar Jake 'The Snake' Roberts, who had a spring-loaded arm (though, unlike his real-life counterpart, no crack addiction).

My collection rose quickly. Batman, Robin, more wrestlers, a few more wrestlers, another Batman, Ninja Turtles, more wrestlers. I even got some vehicles, like the Batmobile and the Ninja Turtles armoured car that shot plastic pizza. Awesome.

But as I got older, playing Batman vs Hulk Hogan in my scale WWF Ring got boring. I was getting older too, in my pre-teens, and I couldn't be seen playing with tiny little dolls, no matter how wicked my Bruce Wayne To Batman action figure was. So, I started painting them.

It was like those guys who used to collect and paint Warhammer figures in Year 8, except mine were half-naked men, and rather than painting in minute detail, I coloured them in odd combinations of child paint and Posca pens. Black was my primary colour, because black was cool, and so was painting wrestling figures.

This post is really useless without pics, so for some god forsaken reason, I'm going show you how fucked up I was as a child.

My first wrestling figure hand-me down.
A Hulk Hogan thumb wrestler, which I drew
'CHAMP' and a fake title belt on for some reason.

It's for your THUMB, you sickos (trust me, I tried)

My very first figure, Rick Rude, giving a noogie to Tatanka

Classic, Gay Robin

Bruce Wayne, complete with the only two parts
of his Batman costume I didn't lose or eat

Bruce Wayne running Gay Robin the fuck over

My sister had a Princess Jasmine figure from Alladin,
so I stole it and turned her into a slut for my wrestling figures

Kane raping Princess Jasmine. She was asking for it.

I didn't have a Ric Flair figure, so I made one. The resemblance is uncanny.

The Ultimate Warrior has no fingers

My evil Doink The Clown figure, next to what he looked like before I molested him with paint and cut off his hair so he looked like a lesbian

Batman, if he lived in Rome and had access to high quality bulletproof rubber

So ends the tour through Tommy's childhood subconscious. I'm perfectly sane, seriously.


the genie said...

princess jasmine is hot

Anonymous said...

why is robin's thigh a different colour to the rest of his skin?

the magic carpet said...

Fuck off genie, she MINE!

bored said...

Aladdin has one L - go do a media degree

Mitch said...

English Degree would be more helpful you twat.

btw, lego is so much cooler ^_~

Anonymous said...

They said Media Degree 'cos that's what Tommy has and that's what he uses as his source of authority when correcting people on their spelling, you twat.

Tommy said...

don't call mitch a twat, you mega twat