Stardust - A Film Preview By Tommy*

Every so often, something comes along that you just know will fail. Celebrity Dog School on Channel Ten... Pirate Master on Channel Ten... Yasmine's Getting Married on Channel Ten.... Daddy Day Care 2, starring Cuba Gooding Jr (Coming soon to Channel Ten).

But never have I been so sure of a movie's inevitable demise and total box office implosion than the upcoming Stardust.



Stardust is about a young inhabitant of a small countryside town, bordering on a magical land, who discovers a shooting star that is actually Claire Danes. That's about it. There's also a big ship, and Michelle Phfifiefier plays an evil witch.

Immediately, you're thinking 'good god no'. But what if I were to tell you that Robert De Niro was in this movie? Would that something you'd be interested in?

What about legendary comedian Ricky Gervais, or legendary drunk Peter O'Toole?

What about god damned Magneto, Ian McKellen?

More importantly, what about the eighteen pounds of cocaine these actor's agents were high on when they signed up to this piece of trash? Fancy a few lines of that?

No, seriously, it's actually Robert De Niro

The film's main character is Tristan, and is played by unknown Charlie Cox. Think of Orlando Bloom, if he was homeless and shit. But don't take my word for it, here's Charlie's IMDb Trivia:


Wow, what a fucking superhero. Unless that sentence is followed by 'to blow movie studio executives', I don't understand. Can anybody get into a De Niro film these days? Can I?



Yes.









*2 jokes by matt