Monday, August 13

Ben Ikin: Friday Night Fuckhead - A Commentary By Matt and Tommy

The Channel Nine NRL Commentary Team is a lot like a family. You have the patriarch, Ray 'Rabs' Warren. The cool dad Sterlo. The funny uncle Fatty Vautin. The funnier brother Matty Johns. And starting this year, Ben Ikin, the cousin you haven't seen in a while because the family is ashamed of him and have been keeping him in a special facility out of the state but now even the facility doesn't want him so he's moved back home but you know it won't last long because either his parents will freak out and murder him or he'll accidentally drown himself in a corn silo.

For those of you who don't know Ben Ikin, he is best known for sucking off Broncos coach Wayne Bennett on a bi-weekly basis.

Unfortunately, some idiotic temp at Channel Nine recently decided to slap a pair of faggy glasses on him ('fagtacles' for short) and give Ben a microphone that was actually plugged in.

Here's an example of Ikin's commentary from a few weeks ago. To set the stage, The Canterbury Bulldogs are playing a team that doesn't rape. They've just scored and Hazem El Masri, Allah's Gift To Goal Kicking, is lining up the conversion. Hazem is currently in a little bit of a funk, kicking 95% instead of 97%.





Over to you, Ben.


Hazem is in a real goal-kicking slump at the moment...


Hazem kicks the conversion successfully.


The slump is over!


Later, Hazem misses the final goal of the match. What does Ben say?


Hazem is sliding back into the form slump that we'd seen earlier this year...



...


Like, it makes sense because the guy's suppressing the memory of an entire life wasted, so an 80 minute football match must seem like the kind of time period that you can do some trend analysis on. But for those of us who don't have mutated freak heads and a cock for a brain, it only makes for some piss poor commentary.

Like this:


Ben on the sideline...

Yeah thanks Rabs, the Titans are currently on four points after that try from Scott Prince. If they can get this conversion, they'll get another two points which will put them on a total of six.

Expert commentary, from Ben Ikin.



But Ben doesn't just opine on rugby league. He's also been known to commentate on his daily life.


Yes, and now the girl is now sucking my penis. I certainly seem to be enjoying it. I am really worried about ejaculating too early and not only surprising and disappointing her but also causing her to vomit, which might result in an early end to this encounter.

Do you have to speak?

Yes. And I didn't just nut in your mouth early. That was...that was you.




Poor Ben. Though, none of this changes the fact that most people would rather go down on Gus Gould than meet Ben Ikin in person and not kill him.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes, thanks Rabs, and I have now finished reading the blog entry. I found it quite enjoyable and liked the fact that it pictured me with a girl way out of my league. Another great effort, Matt and Tommy, who were the blog writers that wrote that blog.

Anonymous said...

You know what else is funny? Not this blog.

Anonymous said...

There was once a time when former footy stars lived in switchyards and died of alcohol poisoning.

I long for those days.

Anonymous said...

LOL tommy, one of your best.

Chook.

Anonymous said...

Ben Ikin is the worst TV commentator I have ever heard.

Loved the above post.