Looking Back #1 - The TommyIsCool Victims

I start my new job tomorrow, so blogs may become less frequent, or at least happen on different days. The blog isn't closing or anything crazy though - as long as John Howard is still Prime Minister, I feel a patriotic obligation to hate on him.

But I thought, as the blog enters a new, employed era, that I would take a stroll down memory lane. A bit of a Where Are They Now, just without Kochie and the dyke. In this installment, we take a look back at the TommyIsCool victims, the people who I've mercilessly crushed with my witty rejoinders and words like 'rejoinders'.




Our first gravestone in this stroll down memory lane? Our old favourite, Taco Girl. You might remember her for the '100 Things You Don't Know About Taco Girl' blog, where she told us that she loves sour cream, has an eating disorder, got knocked up by a convicted felon, hates her husband and is incapable of being happy. And Owen Wilson thinks he has it bad.

Almost two years later, and Taco Girl has changed a lot. She still has an eating disorder, hates her husband and got knocked up by a convicted felon, but now she hates her children too!




I don't feel guilty. It's obviously the child's fault for wanting to spend time with their friends and not their psychologically abusive step-father.

Up next, another target from two years ago - Razali Ali, the world's lamest emo. He's the one who came up with emo-tastic gems such as:

my toe is bleedin.stupid.hit it against the wall.my mom is goin out.so is my bro.n my father.everi1 is out.cept me.bgus.my sis just bought me a slippa.she called to ask wat colour i want.tanks.
sheesh.tis sucks.sumting is wrong all over again

It requires incredible skill to get emo over selecting the colour of slippers, but somehow he did it. Sadly, my comprehensive owning of Ali forced him to take his own life, as his blog comes up with an error.



Victim #3 is is an example of the rehabilitation services offered by TommyIsCoolDotCom. You might remember xJARENxMANATEExENDANGEREDxCOREx. He was the subject of the wildly successful Emos In The Wild series of blogs. When we first met Jaren, before he got the IsCool treatment, he looked like this:

jaren trying to cut himself with amplified sound waves

But, 18 months later, Jaren is completely cured of any emo-icity. He even set his MySpace to private, proving that he no longer feels the urge to share his poetry with a wide audience of like-minded souls in the rivers of despair. Check him out:

i'd hit it

See that? His mood is BOUNCY. He appears to be typing in his underwear, with no hair over his eyes, and is that a smile I see? Yes.


So what have we learnt? What good has my blog achieved? Let's add it up.

• 0% reduction in eating disorders amongst self-hating emotionally traumatised women
  
• 0.02% increase in Worldwide Emo Suicide
• 50% Emo rehabilitation rate

I am doing God's work.