Election 2007: Time's Up, Cockbrain (also Tommy's Guide To Holding An Election Party)

Obviously by 'Cockbrain', I'm referring to John Howard, whose brain is actually made of tiny, floating cocks.

Now that's out of the way, let's talk Election Parties!@ Perhaps the coolest of all parties, second only to Grand Final Parties and Wakes. And I know everyone is as keen as mustard for November 24th, so here is

Tommy's Guide To Holding An Election Party

Step #1 - The Television

The first ingredient you need for an Election Party, keeping in mind I've never held or been to one (An election party I mean. I go to lots of parties. Mainly for children.), is a nice television. You can then choose from a few options.

The ABC has Kerry O'Brien, Antony Green and a set they've re-used since old episodes of The Sullivans, but give you the most comprehensive facts and figures without much BS.

Sky News is like ABC, except their sets are made from painted cardboard and their political reporter is twelve years old.

The grey hair isn't fooling anyone, Speers

Channel Nine is the old standby, with Ray Martin alongside a chick, and Laurie Oakes alongside a bucket of chicken.

And then there's the new entrant - Channel Seven, which has oh fuck it's kochie

have you read my god-damn fucking joke book

Let's move on.


Step #2 - The Food

This one is pretty simple. You want snacky food, and a light dinner. After all, elections go for a while. Once the Tasmania results are in, maybe bring out some Salsa, then move on to your meal-like snacks such as meat pies, chicken fingers and spring rolls.

If inviting a Liberal Party supporter, ensure a steady supply of babies for them to munch on during the proceedings.

An Asian baby isn't ideal, but will do in a bind

Step #3 - Alcohol

Doctors reccomend every hour of watching the ABC be supplemented by at least 8 standard size drinks.

Step #4 - Mid-Election Entertainment

I could and will watch election coverage all day, but not everyone is as pathetic awesome as me. So, you'll need something to do during the boring bits, like the vote tallies and shit. Prepare back-up entertainment, such as old tapes of Question Time, Mad Libs with the Australian Constitution or maybe Soggy Sao. One of them.

I know which one Alexander chooses



(the one where dudes cum onto a Sao)

Step #4 - The Results

Woops

Step #5 - The Results

This is where your party can fall apart. If the wrong side wins on the night, it could lead to anger and fisticuffs. Or even punching. So, ensure that lefties sit far enough away from righties so you can intervene, locking a Liberal Party supporter in a full nelson then swinging them so they kick the head of the Green Party supporter, then drop the Labor guy with a Stone Cold Stunner.

While they recuperate, remind them that they're all Australians and that whatever the result, she'll be right.

Oh, and be sure to lay down some plastic sheets on your carpet, just in case Kevin Rudd loses the election from here and Tommy blows his fucking brains out


Thank you for your time, and have a good party.