tommyiscooldotcom

There's been a lot said about the Da Vinci Code and the whole Opus Dei deal and the missing gospels and Jesus' reputation as a pants man and what not, all stemming from the popularity of the book and the recent release of the Da Vinci Code movie, starring Tom Hank's hair extensions. So, I thought I'd show those Catholics who was the boss and plonk down $8.50 to see what all the fuss was about. I also bought a bottle of water and a Cadbury Mint Crisp bar, so that probably pushed the total up to about $11. Take that, Pope.

The movie itself was pretty good, if you've read the book there'll be a few scenes where you're convinced Ron Howard was stealing your thoughts because they're just exactly how you pictured it. Well, except the scene where you saw the albino killer Silas' ass cheeks, I didn't get much of a porno vibe when I read the book.

Anyway, it got me thinking. If Leonardo Da Vinci hid secret messages in his art that led to the unravelling of a biblical mystery, what secrets are other artists hiding? Maybe there are secrets in Australian art! I could find my very own conspiracy, then post about it on my blog and get RICH! Or, at the very least, get on TEN NEWS FIRST AT FIVE! So I visited the nearest Art Gallery, brought a C.S.I blue light to check for clues and dried semen, and found something that shocked me to the core.

I give you....


Da Ken Done Code.


I know what you're saying to yourself. How could you, an unemployed porn star from Baulkham Hills who has never studied art in his life manage to unravel mysterious meanings in complicated art works such as these?



Well, let's just say I've got good eyesight. And the blue light came in pretty handy. Especially when I was choosing a seat on the bus.

And what secrets DID you find Tommy? What deep, dark earth-shattering truth is Ken Done hiding? Let me show you. The first clue was hidden deep within the piece titled 'White Tiled Opera House'.



Can you see it?

Look closer. See with your own eyes what I saw with my wicked blue light.



It's the Opera House. The first clue. Enthused with the thrill of the hunt, and knowing that I would soon unravel the truth behind this liar's facade, I continued searching. This time in a 1994 piece entitled 'Magpie Morning'. Why Done named it so is a mystery that baffles historians to this day.



Can't see it? Perhaps if we zoom in. And by zoom in, I mean zoom in ON THE TRUTH.



Yes. If you get rid of the two green lines and look at it funny, you can find a CROSS. And we all know what a CROSS signifies.

Yes.

Bar Cha Ba Chewy Cha, Ba Chewy Cha.

Ryan Cross, a centre for the Sydney Roosters. No coincidence that he plays for a team based near the SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE?

And who does Ryan Cross resemble?

The kid from the film 'Mask'.

Joey, I can't believe you and Pacey started dating behind my back

And wait, I hear you tell yourself. Wasn't CHER in that film, playing the mother of the disfigured boy?

That's not a necklace, it's her voice box

You know Cher, one of the DIVAS of pop music? And isn't "DIVA" a term originally derived from OPERA? It's all coming together now, isn't it?

With all these clues, my conclusion was simple.


Ken Done is part of a centuries-old artistic sect, including luminaries such as Pro Hart and Pablo Picasso, which meet in the bowels of the Sydney Opera House and attempt to create ugly, ugly people (see Ryan Cross, Cher) in order to make their shitty, kindergarten artwork look respectable by comparison.



That's how you solve a mystery, Hanks.