tommyiscooldotcom

Hi, I'm back. I bring news from abroad, and also muffins

My holiday was good. I watched The Benchwarmers with Rob Schneider. It was not good. Sadly, the dodgy kebab shop at Nelson Bay, which used to be run by two hairy middle-aged men for 2 hours a day, and where you could watch as they grabbed the ingredients from the fridge, has closed. In its place is some healthy food store. Who goes from hairy, dodgy, e coli infested kebabs to vegetarian rissotto? What kind of jump is that? It's like making a dramatic period film set in 1930's Alabama and replacing Morgan Freeman with Carson from The Fresh Prince.

Or something. What a bad analogy Tommy

You're a bad anal-orgy.

I was going to do the obvious thing and write about Israel vs Lebanon vs Syria in the Three-Way Hell In A Cell match, but I'M CRAAZZZ--YYYYY AND UNPREDICTA-BLLEEE AND PUT UNECESSARY HYPHONS IN WO-RRRDDDSSS


So instead, I write about Finch.


I love the Sydney Roosters. If the Sydney Roosters were a rich old guy, I'd get a sex change and marry them and then get really fat. But just because I'm loyal to the footy club doesn't mean I'm loyal to every player. For example, there's Chris Walker and Justin Hodges, who, when they played for the Roosters, took great pleasure in spiting me personally by defending their wing in the 2004 Grand Final about as well as the Americans defended the Saigon Embassy in 1974.


Historian Tommy Sez: The Americans failed to defend the Saigon Embassy in 1974.


But if there's one player who I dislike more than anyone, one player whose inability to perform has ruined my weekend, week in, week out, it is Brett Finch. You might remember him as the guy who kicked the winning field goal in Game I of the State of Origin this year, then who sucked a monkey's dick in Game II. I call him the dream crusher. Because he crushes dreams. I am so smart, I make one word from two words.

Brett Finch walking past a photo of God

But this week, after enduring year after year of this buck-toothed bastard, he was finally released from his contract to join the Parramatta Eels. And I cried tears of joy, sweet sweet tears of joy.




Scientist Tommy Sez: Tears are actually not sweet. And why am I dressed the same as the Histori-


So anyway, that was the best news ever. Now all I need is someone new to blame when the Roosters continue to play like shit.