tommyiscooldotcom

After finally and permanently attaching the ball and chain around his ankle, frequent guest blogger REDACTED the Thong-Kicking Faggot has graced us with a GUEST BLOG! If only more of you were like him. I'm looking at you, Mitch.

It concerns his recent trip to an island (and by island, we mean a collection of rocks, trees sticks and bush spiders) discovered many, many Schoolies ago. Ladies and Gentlemen, please have your boarding passes ready as we journey to......

MAXIPAD IS-LAND
The land cool people forgotEwwww

To move away from GoatGate ’06, and onto a human interest story, Tommy asked me to write a guest blog concerning my recent return from a journey steeped in fable, that is, a trip to Maxipad Is-Land (pronounced “is land?”).

The MaxiPad Is-Land Plaque, the world's shiniest waste of time and money

I first traveled to the Is-Land four years ago, and despite returning several times since, have never spent longer than 20 minutes there. So, late last year I decided to get to know this mysteriously named block of land a little bit better.

For those not familiar with my prime piece of real estate, the Maxipad is located four hours north of Sydney in the Great Lakes. It is roughly 5 kms from land, on the other, other side of the beach. The Is-Land itself is difficult to get to, and many expeditions there have failed.

About the size of two blocks of land, it supports little wildlife. Nothing bigger than a spider could be found by day, and at night, a creature nicknamed ‘The Marmoset’ scuttles around the Is-Land. Like the beast from The Village, it cannot be killed, nor caught - only heard.

This journey was ridiculed by many from its inception. (Tommy Sez: Hi)

The Plan - Go to the Is-Land from Sunday morning to Wednesday night with nothing but some water, machetes and a hammock. Our only transport was two kayaks and an innertube from an old Corolla. True, we ended up taking a bit more stuff, namely some port and a towel or two, but there were no creature comforts.

So, without further ado, I give you...


REDACTED'S Top Tips For Living On An Is-Land.

1. Nothing gets you to sleep easier than polishing off a two litre goonbag of Port in two hours.

2. No matter how high off the ground you put your hammock, it will always stretch a bit and you will end up hitting that big rock. For amusement purposes, tie your hammock with the same rope as someone else, that way, everytime you get up during the night, their hammock will drop several inches and then they will hit a rock.

3. It is very difficult to stand up in a kayak. It is impossible to do so while throwing a machete at a stingray.

4. Playing The Food Game is a great way to pass time. It is very simple to play. You sit around describing in detail the thing you most want to eat at that moment.

5. After playing The Food Game for several days, do not let the first thing you eat be Maccas. You will wreck not only your Food Game plans, but your health for the next 24 hours will suffer. Watching Alex slump in his seat as he struggled to fit in his 4th cheeseburger is not a pretty sight.

A veritable smorgasboard of food selections

6. This rule is good advice for everyone. If you need to hitchhike, you can do several things to increase or decrease you chances of getting picked up. For instance, looking like REDACTED will automatically decrease your chances. On the other hand, nothing will improve your odds better than carrying a petrol tin. Just be careful to have a reason why you need to get dropped on the side of a lake 20kms from the nearest petrol station.

7. It is difficult to kill a pelican with a hatchet.

8. Accept you will only get about 2 hours of sleep at night because you are hungry and it is only 2 degrees. Plan your evening around this. You will probably want to start the fire again about 3 in the morning, so finding wood beforehand will make this easier.

9. Make sure that you don’t use the leaves that make your skin feel as if it is on fire to wipe your arse.

10. Do not take your dumps upwind of the camp site.

11. When you come ashore, do not land in the middle of the National Parks Officer Station. They might start asking questions.

12. Sleeping in the dirt next to the fire can be really comfortable, but you need a pillow of some sort. Rocks are quite painful. Innertubes are cold. Shoes are a bit lumpy on their own so fill them full of leaves and they should work fine. Your arm will work alright, but if you lose feeling in it, be careful when you warm it in the fire after you wake up.



That’s probably it. I really do suggest that everyone spend some time on an island sometime. There is no way to accurately describe how good it is to play the Food Game. Nor how much you long for 6:56AM when you know that the sun will rise above the ridge and you can go sleep on the patch of grass on the North side. Nor how being so hungry will make you hypothesise whether the dead fish floating in the lake are still safe to eat.

But it's not all bad.

Sleeping in the sun on the grass was fantastic. Sunrise kayaks in the Ocean after a pre-dawn journey over the lake are awesome. Going a few days with nobody else within a couple of kilometres is a surreal feeling.

Let me know if you want to join the next expedition.