Why I Only Shop At Stores With Wooden Coat Hangers - A Guest Blog, by Beth.

Yep, you read that right. It's the first guest blog on TommyIsCool ever by a female (allegedly). Please to make reading this blog which...well... mainly just bags me out. But in a female way. Allegedly.

Tommy is what some may call a man’s man, as in he is gay. Others would say that he is a staunch homophobic with an unblemished record (despite REDACTED' constant requests for a game of 'Gay Chicken').

But there is one thing that can be agreed on by all - Tommy dresses like a hobo with a washing machine.

With his overwhelming lack of collared shirts, Tommy is perpetually caught in a casual cycle of t-shirts and denim, except for the occasions that require a suit, in which case he dusts his one and only Year Ten formal suit off.

(Tommy sez: That is a lie)

So where is it that Tommy shops I hear you ask? Well, on his $30 a week salary we can only guess that it’s somewhere with Super Sales and a section devoted to car tyres. But enough Tommy bashing for the moment.

You callin me unfashionable?

Lets focus on something that gets every shoppers credit card angry- the lame arse policies and sales staff that make up the retail workforce.

We have all had bad experiences with certain shops, namely Myer, Freedom and Telstra. But I will not bore you with the fodder of a woman constantly on edge and taking her frustrations out on unwitting 14 year-olds who still think that work is fun and that time goes so quickly whilst filling shelves.

Fuckers.

I will not complain about the retards at Country Road who, when you try to exchange something because IT IS FUCKING DAMAGED, tell you that they can have it dry cleaned/repaired, instead of giving you a new one. I will not bitch about the lobotomized 50 year-old women at Myer who continue to gossip in groups whilst serving you, taking on the chore of taking your money as if they were gods fucking gift to the world. And that’s even if they serve you at all, half the time you can’t find anyone or they are all “busy” folding, refolding and checking their hair.

Jennifer Hawkins is the face of Myer, or some other excuse to post a picture of Jennifer Hawkins norks

No I won’t go on about it, cos unlike some, I am not a grudge holding, petty person. In recent times, I have become aware of the correlation between clothes and the level of dickheadedness of a guy. This is most intriguing to me, because unlike girls who have only two sub-groups (“Slutty Bitch” and “Prude Bitch Pretending She Isn’t Slutty”), guys can be grouped into numerous sub-sections.

These sub-sections are all marked on a sliding scale of hotness out of 10, arseholeness out of 10, and hot arseness out of 23. Horniness is of course at 10/10 for all guys and therefore not included in the meta-analysis of men.

The Clothes Rankings

1. Industrie polo shirt with the collar up and Industrie printed on the back of the collar - Wog.

• Hotness - 0-1/10 depending on the number of jars of grease in his hair
• Arseholeness 0 10/10
• Hot Arseness - Wogs are dirty, no one looks at their arses.

It's sweeettt matte! *Click* Bananas!

2. Colorado Shirt - Their mother was undoubtedly on the shopping trip with them.

• Hotness – 1-5/10 (if wears glasses minus 2 from overall)
• Arseholeness - 0/10 - These guys are really nice, just like door mats
• Hot Arseness - 6-13/23.

They are either plump or bean-pole-like. A happy medium makes for a happy lady friend.

3. T-shirt that says “Vintage” on it – You're looking at a Tommy.

(Tommy sez: Fuck off, I bought two polos last week)

• Hotness - 5-7/10
• Arseholeness 3-5/10, depending on whether you have kicked him or not.
• Hot Arseness - 9-15/23, is highly volatile. Denim shorts the best. Boardies the worst.

The Best Shirt Ever? You Decide.

(yes)

4. Unbranded Polo Shirt – Don’t bother, they are boring, you will contemplate doing stupid things like eating a chair just to see if they react. They won’t.

(Tommy Sez: Shit, they were unbranded)

5. “Polo” Polo Shirt

Hmmmmm, either hot and nice, or hot and thinks they are hot.

• Hotness - 7-9/10
• Arseholeness -2-4/10 or 8-10/10 if they know their hot
• Hot Arseness 17-21/23. HOT

6. Business Shirt - Probably has a job and a car. Go for it.