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Long-Winded Excuse To Post Pictures of Britney Spears When She Was Hot

Remember to mention how fame is fleeting and shit like that

A Tommy Investigation


There is a good reason why people read magazines like NW and Who and Famous. Because bagging out celebrities for minor flaws makes everyone feel better about themselves. It's why Kirsty Alley's battle to not be a fat whale is a regular front-page feature, years after she actually acted in something. There's the stories about the hot celebrity couple's relationship troubles, complete with my personal favourite trash mag feature - The Insider.

The Insider is the friend of Brad Pitt, the acquaintance of Jennifer Aniston, the witness to Russell Crowe murdering a dude, the confidante of Kate Moss and the guy who delivers the wheelbarrows of cheeseburgers to Britney Spears. They are everywhere, and they have two things in common. They know everything, and they're completely fabricated. They provide us with first-hand quotes from a Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie argument that reads like dialogue from Home and Away. Hell, when Angelina gave birth in Namibia, they even had Namibian Insiders. The CIA doesn't have a global network as sophisticated as NW's posse of insiders.

But while made-up quotes from made-up fights are my favourite part of the crappytrashmags, everybody buys them for the pictures. And because my blog needed more boobs, that's what I'm bringing today. But I'm just not going to post hot pics of Britney before she got knocked up and devoured the entire Dominos menu, cause that's too blatant. Instead, I will put the hot pictures inbetween pictures of how the celebrity looks today, to make some deep comment about the fleeting nature of fame, or some shit like that.

ONTO THE PICS!

Britney before

*Angels singing*

Britney after

Remember when you beat off to her?

And I know she's pregnant or whatever, but come on. She looks like the mum of the hot chick in the before photos who keeps entering her in beauty pageants because she got knocked up when she was eighteen and married some truck driver when she was 20 and now her child is the only thing that reminds her of her childhood where she'd bang truck drivers and get pregnant.

But you know what? I've had an epiphany. Britney looks crappy for a celebrity, but she's not UGLY. She's just made some bad lifestyle choices and got a blind woman to do her eyelashes. And anyway, in terms of a decline, nobody tops our next contestant.

Back in 1996, her name was Sunny. I loved her. She was the hottest chick in wrestling ever. Even hotter than Miss Elizabeth, and she was Macho Man's wife so you knew she was good. Sunny was so hot that when the mailman would deliver my monthly WWF Magazine, and she'd be on the cover, he'd think I was getting porn delivered. And she was wearing clothes! That's how hot she was.

I mean, sweet sassy o massy, look at this

Two reasons for the late 1990's wrestling boom

And now, two drug addictions later...

Is that a roast ham in your pocket,
or do my pores just excrete bacon?

So next time you're thinking of... being..famous. Don't. Cause.. you might get fat.

...




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