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East Timor: We don't know what happened to West Timor eitherAn investigative report by Tommy


Two people have told me I should write about this hullaballoo in East Timor, and considering that's about 50% of my readership, who am I to say no?

(I also couldn't think of anything else to write about)

I'm not going to bullshit you, I had no idea what was going on in East Timor until I looked it up earlier today. Sure, I heard words like 'widespread violence' and 'brink of civil war' and 'actually Jessica, these men were put here by your stage manager', but I really had no idea why these people were fighting. I mean, the UN were in East Timor, so what could possibly go wrong?

The launch of the 2006 Toyota Inferno goes horribly wrong

Oh.

The current crisis in East Timor, not to be confused with the 673 other crisis' in the country's history stems from a dispute within the East Timorese military. East Timorese? East Timorian? East Timeran? No, you were right the first time, Tommy. Everyone else is wrong.

You see, the resistance movement that fought for East Timorese independence all those years back was called Falintil. Ignoring the fact they named their resistance movement after a legume, Falintil was comprised of mainly Eastern East Timorianesesans. So, logic said that once they gained independence, the East Timoreseiane military would be comprised of mainly Easterners.

Now that would be cool, if it wasn't for them pesky West East Timorese saying that because of the Eastern East Timorese dominance of the military (also known as the FTDL, or 'fetiddle'), Western East Timorese were being discriminated against by their Eastern East Timorese counterparts. Yes, things were definitely going South for the West East Timorese.

So, what do you do when things don't go your way? You quit! About 600 Westerners deserted the FTDL, hooked up with some members of the police force and some of their civilian sympathisers and took to the streets in protest.

This group was led by Lieutenant Gastao Salsinha, 2003 winner of East Timor's Most Unfortunate Name Competition. After clashes with the FTDL led to fatalities and the destruction of 100 buildings, the you-know-what hit the you-know-what.




Subtle.

Anyway, because we're the only country in our region with planes that can fly, Australia led the international military response to the crisis, codenamed Operation Astute.

Operation Astute.

Astute?

as·tute ( P )
adj.

Having or showing shrewdness and discernment, especially with respect to one's own concerns. See Synonyms at shrewd.

Was Operation Discerning taken? Did Operation Savvy just have the wrong ring to it? Did we reject Operation Ingenious because it was too pooncy? Who names these Operations? What happened to good names, like Operation Rolling Thunder, or Operation Final Solution? I think you can tell that the ADF is a little stretched when we've run out of cool, awe-inspiring names for missions and moved on to synonyms for 'perceptive'.

Man, if those East Timorese could read, they'd be laughing at us so hard.

The Aussie-led mission has helped to quell the unrest, but East Timor is still embroiled in violence. President Xanana 'Banana' Gusmao, the 2005 Winner of East Timor's Most Unfortunate Name competition has declared a state of emergency, giving him control over the country's police and military forces. There is also speculation that East Timor's Prime Minister Mari Alkatiri will be forced to resign due to pressure from the rebels and a UN investigation into the crisis. Because those UN investigators always do such a good job.

Anyway, looks like East Timor is going to be screwed up for a while longer, so if the news of more casualties, riots and general civil unrest is getting you down, just do what I do.



Blame that smirking cock Alexander Downer.

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