i'm baaaaaaaaaaaack...

Tommy's Goodbye Post

Going up to Nelson Bay for Schoolies 8: Aren't you a little too old for that? until Tuesday, so the blog won't be updated for a week.

Sadly, this means I don't get to blog about Naomi Robson getting sacked from Today Tonight for looking like The Joker, but I'm sure you'll all be able to cope with that.

I leave you with something to remember me by. A video of a woman doing the single worst impression of the Chinese language ever recorded. It's at about the 1:30 mark.


Ciao

This is not actually Nelson Bay, but a lovely picture of the sun exploding

wait

what the fuck are you doing here?

hey

HEY!@

NO

PUT IT DOWN

NO!@#$

WHY AM I TYPING WHAT I'M SAYING?!

CHRIST!@# AAH!


HE'S TAKEN OVER THE BLOG!!!!

Now, I'm no showbiz reporter. I'm no Ryan Seacrest. I'm not even Angela Bishop, the red carpet trollop from Channel Ten. But every now and then, I notice a bit of a trend in Hollywood. For example, I was the first person to notice that Adam Sandler's movies are shit, and that the police chief in action movies is always black.

And today I was reading The Superficial, and I spotted another one.

It's a bit subtle, but see if you can spot it...

Here's Scarlett Johansson.



Can you see it yet? Here's Britney, fresh from divorcing Vanilla Ice..



And here's Salma Hayek, fresh from... being.. holy shit look at them




Considering the last blog, it was probably a bad idea to follow it up with a Boobs post, but whatever. I'm going away on Wednesday, so consider this your compensation.




The trend was 'Massive Bazoongas'

Because there used to be a show called Jake And The Fatman...

In keeping with this week's tradition of short blogs with only one joke that only take me two minutes to write, here is today's offering. To keep effort to a minimum, I just copy/pasted an MSN convo. Ok, I added a few lines at the end, so there's a bit more effort than I expected. See if you can spot them.

Names have obviously been changed to protect the innocent. The way I figure, why choose lame pseudonyms like 'Dude #1' or 'Really Hot Guy With A Funny Blog', when you can use COOL names? After all, isn't that the name of the blog?

Isn't it?

So please sit back and enjoy the very first edition of....







12:25:57 AM Jack Bauer
it's double standards
12:26:01 AM Jack Bauer
chicks can buy giant black dildos
and its whatever
12:26:10 AM Batman
yeh
12:26:21 AM Jack Bauer
but try buying lube
12:26:30 AM Jack Bauer
there's no combination of things you can buy lube with
12:26:36 AM Batman
hahaha

12:26:39 AM Jack Bauer
magazine - no
food - no
vegetables - NO
12:27:13 AM Batman
just go ultimate mundane
12:27:20 AM Batman
like bread or milk
12:27:23 AM Jack Bauer
haha
12:27:28 AM Jack Bauer
the essentials

12:28:07 AM Batman
yeh thats right I eat toast for breakfast and I fuck girls dry for dinner
12:28:12 AM Jack Bauer
ahahahha
12:28:33 AM Jack Bauer
and a copy of zoo thanks
12:28:37 AM Batman
hahahaha
12:30:40 AM Jack Bauer
i think there's a blog in that lube thing, Bruce
12:28:42 AM Batman
i told you not to use my real name, kiefer
12:28:48 AM Jack Bauer
that's it i'm blocking you

Jack Bauer has signed off

12:28:57 AM Batman
pussy

Giddy-Up

Was going to do a blog about the Kramer/Nigger thing, but aside from a photoshopped picture and some jokes about Balky from Perfect Strangers being an anti-semite and Uncle Joey from Full House hating Asians, I really had nothing new to say.

So, instead, here's the photoshopped picture by itself, because as the saying goes - a picture is worth a thousand Jew jokes.

A Message From The Hon. Kim Beazley

Just a short note folks, before I head back to the office.

You've all seen footage of the press conference earlier this morning , and I'm sure you're all as shocked as I am that Ian Turpie has decided to resign from competitive swimming.

He had a wonderful career, and I especially loved his stint hosting 'Supermarket Sweep'.







Yours inadequately,


Kimberly Beazley

Leader Of The Opposition

The G20 Protests: A TommyIsCoolDotCom Investigation

The 2006 G20 Summit was in Melbourne on the weekend. As usual, the meeting of the world's 20 largest economies was attended by international delegates, and protested by festy hippies.

Don't get me wrong, protesting is cool. The massive Iraq War protests were awe-inspiring, the protests of the 1960's and 70's produced widespread policy changes, and protests to Smith's Chips saw the return of Tasty Toobs.

And I also realise that there's probably plenty of good reasons to protest the G20, and the World Trade Organisation, and the World Bank. You might think that neo-liberalist economic policies aren't the cure to global poverty, or you might want to see third world debt relief, or you might hate Jews. All perfectly acceptable reasons.

But it's the festy hippies fighting with cops that get all the attention, and today's blog is no different.

To find the most bag-out-worthy of the protesters, I first headed to the old whippin' horse - the Commies. Sorry, 'Socialist Alternative'. Here's what they think of the G20.

'This gathering of some of the world's worst warmongering trash can bring nothing but misery to millions'

Ooo, please, tell me more, Joseph. Where can I subscribe to your newsletter that you make in your garage?

But even though that is a funny sentence, it's not really that crazy. I needed something more extreme, something point-laugh hilarious, something that smoked hydro instead of normal pot. I needed festier hippies. And pictures.

So, I went to the home of shoddy journalism and unemployed arts grads. No, not my blog. I went to IndyMedia.

For those of you who don't know it, IndyMedia is a free news source, where anyone can publish an article. It was meant to have been a new, independent, democratic form of information. Instead, it's festy hippies bitching about pigs ruining their protests. But don't take my word for it...


Niiiiiiice.

But to be fair, just like the G20 Protesters weren't all festy, violent hippies, IndyMedia has some rational voices.


Nice one, Lesbo.

Well, it's nice and rational until you read the comments...



Wowzas. Somebody's life partner got a baton to the funhole. Cops aren't just pigs anymore, they're sub-human. How does that even work, and more importantly - what does that make Robocop?

The nature of MonkeyCop was... irrepressible

Because they... well, initiated and continued the violence, the IndyMedia kids got plenty of exclusive photos of police brutality/natural selection. There's even a Before and After.

Before:

oh shit, it's killing heidi

After:

Wait, that's killing Heidi

And I know I already did the 'After' shot, but I couldn't find another place to put this picture.

After Again:

quick karen, take her to the lesbo-mobile

Then there's the more peaceful Oil Bus, made of plastic, oil-based paint and metal, then transported to the protest by petrol powered cars...

It runs on unleaded naivety

And finally, Santa Claus.




You know, maybe if they put the guy in that picture at the forefront of their protests instead of the festy hippies, people's minds might get changed. Until then, the Imperialist Zionists will run the world, and the G20 Protesters will go back to their arts degrees.

And I think that's the way it should always be.



Props to this dude's Flickr site for some of the pics.

Tommy's Guide To Goofy Comic Book Heroes (some jokes by Matt)

As you could probably tell by my blogs about Superman and the X-Men, I'm a bit of a comic book fanboy. When I was little, I used to buy X-Men comics at the newsagent. Years of this led to a growing nerdification, and also gave me a completely misguided view of the female body. Turns out, even if she did use her Phoenix powers, Jean Grey just couldn't support that chest.

her mutant power is lactation

But I always picked my comics carefully. I never much cared for the lesser-stars, I liked the A-Listers. The Batman, the Wolverine, the Spider-Man. Not Superman though. Superman is a dick.

what a dick

The thing with comics is, once you accept that a guy can shoot laser beams from his eyes, or that he can fly, or that all he wears for the protection of his Wilkins and Baldwins is a thin layer of lycra, you can pretty much accept anything. Thor's the son of the Norse God Odin? Sounds good. Daredevil is blind but can use a whip? Why not. Professor X travels to space and falls in love with an alien queen? Sign me up!

And that's where they get you. If you can accept Thor, you can accept another guy named Hercules. Like Spider-Man? Here's Spider-Woman! Oh, and The Incredible Hulk has a cousin, She-Hulk! The superheroes and supervillians just get crappier and goofier, and then it hits you. I just read 34 pages of Wolverine fight a mutant elephant.

Some characters are crappier than the others though, so let's take a look at the worst offenders.


#1 - Squirrel Girl

I had to start with Squirrel Girl. Squirrel Girl, real name WhoGivesAFuck, looks and has the abilities of a squirrel. She can also communicate with squirrels, and commands a small Squirrel Army, that allows her to defeat bad guys like Dr Doom. With squirrels.

Unlike other heroes, Squirrel Girl is based in Milwaukee, a veritable hub of super-villain activity. I know Magneto is always looking to destroy the.... Milwaukee International Clown Hall Of Fame.

...


#2 - Triathlon

Triathlon was a former Olympic track runner, who was given powers stolen from another superhero with a goofy name, 3-D Man. He has 3 times the physical ability of normal men with better names. Triathlon? Come on. What's his arch-enemy? Soccer?

Triathlon is the fiftieth member of super-hero group The Avengers, home to Captain America, Iron Man and 47 other superheroes not named after a fucking athletic event.


#3 - Doorman

Real name DeMarr Davis, from which 'Doorman' is an improvement, this hero has the power to create portals ('doors') through the space-time continuum. Doorman does all the work actual super-heroes are too busy for, like saving dogs from cars and being generally useless.




#4 - Stingray

Actually, this is a pretty cool name, but I just wanted to say :

Real Name: Walter Newell.
Powers: Superhuman strength and water breathing.
Arch-Enemies: Steve Irwin.


#5 - Bushmaster




Hahahahahahahahaha

He has no legs!

Aahaha


#6 - Mongoose

Real Name: None, he's actually a freaking Mongoose.

Mongoose was a real Mongoose who got genetically messed with by a baddy named The High Evolutionary. This turned him from a cute, cat-like carnivore, into a 6 foot black man in a furry suit with no neck.

I'm going to assume his powers are being a natural predator to snakes, and also the power to kill the bastard that gave him the suit.


#7 - Mammomax

Oh, you thought I was joking about the mutant elephant? Mammomax is a mutant, much like any of the X-Men, with the mutant power of looking like an elephant. And you thought the Mongoose had it tough.





#8 - The Mathemanic

Real name Thomas Sorenson, the Mathemanic is not only a mathematical genius, he also has the ability to overload an enemy's brain by psychically projecting complex equations. Back at school, this was known as 'homework'.

The Mathemanic also has the ability to look like part of a 1980's hair band. While he normally works alone, the Mathemanic is a member of the super-villain team 'Bon Jovi'.



And there's your Top 8. Notable exclusions included Hindsight Lad, The Phone Ranger, Batroc The Leaper and The Incredible Gaybo. Maybe next time, guys.

Deep Thoughts, Starring Tommy

How come politicians can't even suicide right?

Labor wubs Pedos

Normally I stay clear of state politics, because, to be quite honest, it's boring as bat shit. I also normally stay clear of the phrase 'boring as bat shit', because I don't understand why bat shit is necessarily more boring than other shit. To be honest, it kind of intrigues me. Do they shit while hanging upside down? Isn't that pretty interesting?

But the NSW State Labor Government is making me excited in all the right places. First, there was the liar. Then, the pedo. And now, the dodgy wog. Put those three together and what do you have? Pedliawog? No. Excitement. The answer was excitement.

Obviously, the Milton Orkopolous scandal takes the cake. In case you're wondering, the scandal isn't that he's named Milton Orkopolous, it's that he's allegedly a kiddy-fiddler. With drugs. Allegedly. He was booted from the front bench and had his Labor membership suspended (is that a punishment?) pending a criminal investigation.

The liar was of course, Carl Scully, who lied in Parliament over the report into the Cronulla Riots. Because his name isn't 'John Winston Howard', he didn't get away with such a blatant lie, and got booted to the backbench.

Then there's this thing with Joe Tripodi and some dodgy land deal, but that's more boring than the multitude of things more boring than batshit.

So what does Labor need to do to improve their image and retain Government?

I spoke to the new Minister for Aboriginal Affairs, John Della Bosca.




Oh.

I spoke to the new Minister for Aboriginal Affairs, Carmell Tebutt.



Shit.

For more on this news, I spoke to the new Minister for Aboriginal Affairs, Eric Roozendaal.



Now that one doesn't even make sense.

For a comment on Rooozendaal's transformation, I spoke to the new, new, new Minister for Aboriginal Affairs, David Campbell.




Right, that's it. I'm taking this to the Premier.





Well.... That was unexpected. I was so shocked at the new Premier, that I went straight to the Prime Minister...





Damn it.

Let's just hope there's no centrefold

Schapelle Corby is writing a book. Yes, it's true.

And you know what that means?


Schapelle Corby can write.

:O

There's a bit of a debate over whether she should be allowed to release the book, as it would constitute profiting from a crime. Which, coincidentally, is the same reason why you never see any books about John Howard winning the 2001 Federal Election.

I've posted quite a bit about old Schappers in the past, and don't think for one second she hasn't read those posts. My blog is HUGE in Bali prisons. And over the past year or so, Schapelle and I have struck up quite a friendship. She calls me Tombom, because I asked her. I think that's a wicked name. But that's how deep our friendship is. And, like all good mates, Shappo has given me a sneak peak at her new book, titled 'My Story'. Apparently, 'Cliched Biography Title: The Schapelle Corby Story' was taken.


Anyway, here's a peak at a few entries from...





October 8th, 2004 - Arrest.

Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. Shit.

June 7th, 2005

Got a new lawyer today, Mum told me he's gotta be good because his first name is Hotman. He is brown, but he speaks Australian. He keeps talking about the link between the judishiary and the legislative arm of Government, but I can't stop looking at his hair. I don't think his name is actually Hotman, but he speaks too fast for me to fire him.

April 28th, 2005 - Trial

My legal team told me to chuck in some Indo when I made my final appeal to the judges. So I am going to say 'And your honour, I ask of you to show compassion, to find me innocent, to send me home. Saya tidak bersalah'.

May 27th, 2005 - Sentencing

Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit. Shit.

December 14th, 2005 - In Prison

I was speaking to one of the girls I share a cell with, who speaks Aussie. Turns out 'Saya tidak bersalah' doesn't mean 'I am not guilty', it means 'Fuck your mothers with a hunting knife'. I knew that bitch on my legal team was just messing with me.

January 1st, 2006

Happy New Year. Renae Lawrence got me a present - a few hair pins. Not much, but it's the best you can do in prison. She's a really nice girl. Always gives me hugs when I'm feeling down.

Renae after three hours of makeup

January 8th, 2006

Renae gave me another present today, it's not even my birthday. I haven't opened it yet, it's long - about the size of my arm. Looks like a big hot dog. I hope it's edible, this Indo food is shit. Maybe it's a really big spring roll?

January 9th, 2006

Ok, turns out Renae is a massive lesbian.

January 11th, 2006

I think I should give back the hair pins.

April 29th, 2006

Finally got a chance to surf the internet. I thought the computer was going to be made of bamboo, but apparently they have plastic in the Orient. Found some Aussie guy's blog, he put pictures of me in other pictures but I never was in the pictures and I don't know how he did it. I think he is a wizard.

June 29th, 2006

Australia and Indonesia made a prisoner exchange deal, which means I might be able to serve my term back home. Mum shot off her mouth and said I wouldn't want to go because of the 'big butch sheilas' in Aussie prisons. She obviously hasn't met Renae Lawrence.

17th August, 2006 - Indonesian Independence Day

It's traditional on Independence Day for prisoners to be granted some clemency. I got a 2-month remission on my 20 years. Whoopdee-fuckin-doo. Excuse me if I don't go shoot off the fireworks I had to smuggle inside my arse. And by the way, you Indo bastards, if it's your Independence Day, how come there's no fuckin aliens?





Well, there you have it folks. The exclusive, world-first look at 'My Story'. In case you're wondering, Schapelle has only written up until August because I ran out of jokes.

Tommy Versus Whiny Bitches Who Lose Elections And Then Bitch About It Like Little Psychos: An Unbiased Look At The 2006 U.S Mid-Terms

As someone who had to rely on a cocktail of overpriced prescription medicine, three bottles of moonshine and a few drops of metho in order to sleep following Latham's triumphant defeat in the 2004 election, I know how some people in America are feeling right now. Last night, the Democrats swept the U.S Mid-Term elections, winning both Houses of Congress in a giant FU to rich white men everywhere.

And just like Democrats who cried after the Republican President Bush won in 2004 and said they were going to move to Canada, or made gay websites, Republicans in the U.S are dealing with their grief in hilarious ways. I visited a conservative blog called LittleGreenFootballs to measure just how funny their post-election blues are.

Let's take a look at some of the comments...



Just like those people who think anyone who votes for John Howard is a stupid, inbred racist, conservative voters also like to blame the intelligence of the people who voted to crush their political dreams. Sadly, no ironic typo for me to make fun of.


And there's your ironic typo, only nine comments later. Maybe in the future, only people who can spell 'demonstrate' should be allowed to vote.



I don't think Democrat Jim Webb would have won the Virginia Senate race without that last minute endorsement from Osama either, Ferris. Maybe someone should have taken a day off? Hah, hilarious. Great movie reference, Tommy. Cutting edge baby.

And this is where it gets good. Not content with just calling people dumb, these folks are expressing their natural post-election depression with..... more depression? And terrorism!




'MSM' stands for 'mainstream media'. 'Terrorcrats' stands for 'I'm a fucking moron'.


This one is awesome:


Like he doesn't already own a gun? Gun ownership seems to be a running trend...


This one is classy. Take it away, bubbasbbq.


This one is just plain funny on so, so many levels...



And this is the quote that can't be topped...




God bless you, nutbars.

Isabel Lucas Tamsyn Lewis Lesbian Dumps Wil Anderson Beazley Bauer: Search Hits Through The Ages

As I post more blogs, and as more people link to them, more people find my site from Googling. And the best thing about that is, I get to see what they're looking for when they stumble upon my little world. I've done a blog like this before when I first got going, but things have picked up recently, so it's time for some idea recycling. It helps stop global warming of the blogosphere, you know.

Most of the searches are pretty innocent. I get a few for topical things. I wrote about The Glasshouse, and now I get hits for 'Corrine Grant bias' and 'Wil Anderson'. I'm very proud to say that at the moment, the 30th result at Google for "Wil Anderson" is me calling him a cock.

If I write about something obscure, something there's not much about on the internet, I get search hits too. Like for 'Happy Healthy Harold'. Sadly, I get zero hits from people searching for 'Handsome bloggers'. Got two hits for people searching for transvestite bloggers, but that's a different story.

My main rival for the #1 spot. I hate you, Tommyina.

But above all, my favourite hits are the ones from weird or dirty searches. Matt wrote a guest blog where he mentioned Isabel Lucas from Home and Away. Now, I get people finding my blog searching for 'Isabel Lucas naked pics', 'Isabel Lucas black hair', and 'Isabel Lucas europe'. Tamsyn Lewis also got mentioned when I bitched about Jana Pittman, so I get hits for 'Tamsyn Lewis sexy pics' and 'Tamsyn Lewis slut'. Welcome, horny athletics fans.

Search for 'Matt Shirvington the package', and I'm result #9. Coincidentally, 9 is also the size of his package lol penis joke.

I'll have to give REDACTED credit for my numerous Maxi-Pad hits, especially my favourite - 'Maxi Pad Gifts'. Happy Anniversary honey, here's some tampons.

Making a joke about Casey Donovan taking a dump a few months ago showed poor judgement on my part. I only realised this when I got a hit from someone search for 'fat girls taking big dumps'. I hope you found what you were looking for, Mr. Howard.

It's not all dodgy though, sometimes it's just mind-blowingly obscure. My favourite of those is a Google for 'Jack Bauer Schapelle Corby'. Why? Just.. why put those two together? Is he going to rescue her from prison?

only jack bauer could carry 4kg of marijuana in his man-bag

But above all, the reason for today's blog was to share with you my finest search hit. At Ask.com, I am hit #4 for 'Kim Beazley can't even see himself pee'.


Today is the proudest day of my life.



BREAKING NEWS ALERT (10:20pm, 7/11/06):

Ignore everything I said about that shit Beazley search. After I posted this blog, sometime this afternoon, someone using a Mac in the United States found my blog by Googling 'Can cum stain skin'.

It gets better...


I was the #1 Result.

Saddam - A Life Cut Short

Apparently, Saddam Hussein is going to be hung. Avid readers of my blog will remember this photo from 2005, which confirms that Saddam may have already been hung.

The Butcher of SagDad

But seriously folks, hanging is awesome. None of this namby-pampy electric chair/lethal injection/marathons of The Gilmore Girls they use in America. Hanging is straight up wicked awesome. The only thing cooler than a hanging is a guillotine, but the French would probably have a problem with that. They were, after all, Saddam's sugar daddies once America dumped him. They're also dicks.

Sure, the 'experts' reckon this will produce some new sectarian violence in Iraq, between the Sunnys and the Shits, but that should be the least of the world's concerns right now. New violence in Iraq is like a hamburger for Casey Donovan. The damage has been done. Stop eating hamburgers, Iraq.

The last known photo of Anthony Callea

(she ate him)

No, the most pressing concern at the moment should not be defusing years of religious tension and civil strife, or ensuring the Saddam hanging proceeds without renewed violence, it should be making sure we can all watch it live on television.

But here's the kicker. It should be broadcast only to all the Coalition of The Willing countries. Yes, suck a fat one, Germany. Or in your native tongue, sucken a fatten oneichlen, Germanica. We paid for this war, we caught Saddam, we shot our own soldiers in the head then covered it up just for this....this.... television extravaganza.

And it makes financial sense too. After all, America's blown a few billion in Iraq. Broadcast that shit live on NBC, get Jay Leno to host and you've got yourself a 80% household share and a few million bucks! And don't think Australia will miss out. Due to time zone differences, if they off Saddam in the morning, we're perfectly positioned for a live slot in prime-time!

Let Nine and Seven and Ten fight for the rights, maybe do a cross-network deal like the Tsunami Telethon. Eddie McGuire can host the start, Andrew O'Keefe can commentate, and Rove can get shot in the balls. It writes itself!

So tonight, as you pause and reflect before going to bed, say a prayer for the people of Iraq. And then say a prayer to the good lord Rupert Murdoch, that we will be able to see Saddam get his neck broken. In Foxtel's name we pray, amen.