Tommy's Guide To Goofy Comic Book Heroes (some jokes by Matt)

As you could probably tell by my blogs about Superman and the X-Men, I'm a bit of a comic book fanboy. When I was little, I used to buy X-Men comics at the newsagent. Years of this led to a growing nerdification, and also gave me a completely misguided view of the female body. Turns out, even if she did use her Phoenix powers, Jean Grey just couldn't support that chest.

her mutant power is lactation

But I always picked my comics carefully. I never much cared for the lesser-stars, I liked the A-Listers. The Batman, the Wolverine, the Spider-Man. Not Superman though. Superman is a dick.

what a dick

The thing with comics is, once you accept that a guy can shoot laser beams from his eyes, or that he can fly, or that all he wears for the protection of his Wilkins and Baldwins is a thin layer of lycra, you can pretty much accept anything. Thor's the son of the Norse God Odin? Sounds good. Daredevil is blind but can use a whip? Why not. Professor X travels to space and falls in love with an alien queen? Sign me up!

And that's where they get you. If you can accept Thor, you can accept another guy named Hercules. Like Spider-Man? Here's Spider-Woman! Oh, and The Incredible Hulk has a cousin, She-Hulk! The superheroes and supervillians just get crappier and goofier, and then it hits you. I just read 34 pages of Wolverine fight a mutant elephant.

Some characters are crappier than the others though, so let's take a look at the worst offenders.


#1 - Squirrel Girl

I had to start with Squirrel Girl. Squirrel Girl, real name WhoGivesAFuck, looks and has the abilities of a squirrel. She can also communicate with squirrels, and commands a small Squirrel Army, that allows her to defeat bad guys like Dr Doom. With squirrels.

Unlike other heroes, Squirrel Girl is based in Milwaukee, a veritable hub of super-villain activity. I know Magneto is always looking to destroy the.... Milwaukee International Clown Hall Of Fame.

...


#2 - Triathlon

Triathlon was a former Olympic track runner, who was given powers stolen from another superhero with a goofy name, 3-D Man. He has 3 times the physical ability of normal men with better names. Triathlon? Come on. What's his arch-enemy? Soccer?

Triathlon is the fiftieth member of super-hero group The Avengers, home to Captain America, Iron Man and 47 other superheroes not named after a fucking athletic event.


#3 - Doorman

Real name DeMarr Davis, from which 'Doorman' is an improvement, this hero has the power to create portals ('doors') through the space-time continuum. Doorman does all the work actual super-heroes are too busy for, like saving dogs from cars and being generally useless.




#4 - Stingray

Actually, this is a pretty cool name, but I just wanted to say :

Real Name: Walter Newell.
Powers: Superhuman strength and water breathing.
Arch-Enemies: Steve Irwin.


#5 - Bushmaster




Hahahahahahahahaha

He has no legs!

Aahaha


#6 - Mongoose

Real Name: None, he's actually a freaking Mongoose.

Mongoose was a real Mongoose who got genetically messed with by a baddy named The High Evolutionary. This turned him from a cute, cat-like carnivore, into a 6 foot black man in a furry suit with no neck.

I'm going to assume his powers are being a natural predator to snakes, and also the power to kill the bastard that gave him the suit.


#7 - Mammomax

Oh, you thought I was joking about the mutant elephant? Mammomax is a mutant, much like any of the X-Men, with the mutant power of looking like an elephant. And you thought the Mongoose had it tough.





#8 - The Mathemanic

Real name Thomas Sorenson, the Mathemanic is not only a mathematical genius, he also has the ability to overload an enemy's brain by psychically projecting complex equations. Back at school, this was known as 'homework'.

The Mathemanic also has the ability to look like part of a 1980's hair band. While he normally works alone, the Mathemanic is a member of the super-villain team 'Bon Jovi'.



And there's your Top 8. Notable exclusions included Hindsight Lad, The Phone Ranger, Batroc The Leaper and The Incredible Gaybo. Maybe next time, guys.