You know, for all the times I bag it out, I actually went to a Hillsong service the other day. Well, the truth is I got lost in the Coles carpark at Norwest and got caught in a throng of cashless metros, but anyway.

I took a video




Video courtesy, of course, of the comedy gods at The Chaser, and Jesus. I would, however, like to point out I was the first to write Hillsong with a dollar $ign substituting for the s. I have also sung parody versions of Hillsong songs, including my personal classic hit 'Give Us Ten Dollars' for over three years. Thank you.

Every three years or so, Australians across our great land head to the polls to make their voices heard (unless you vote Labor in Baulkham Hills) and send one of their representatives to Parliament in the nation's capital. In the centrepiece of our young nation, these chosen few, our nation's finest, get to work crafting laws and policies to advance Australia fair. It is democracy in action, a simple yet beautiful expression of the rights and freedoms we have been blessed with by the architects of the country. Of course, nothing ever goes to plan.

Because on the 14th of May, 2006, democracy died in Australia.


We were no longer allowed to watch our video tapes.

MAJOR COPYRIGHT REFORMS STRIKE BALANCE

Attorney-General Philip Ruddock today announced significant copyright reforms which make our laws fairer for consumers and tougher on copyright pirates.

“These are commonsense amendments which will maintain Australia’s copyright laws as the best in the world for the benefit of our creators and other copyright owners and for the many Australians who enjoy their creative works,” Mr Ruddock said.

Phillip Ruddock's name rhymes with cock. And from that quote, you'd think that might just be a coincidence. Sounds alright, benefiting 'creators' and 'many Australians'. It's win win. And hey, these reforms

- Finally make it technically legal to tape television and radio shows
- Legalise 'format shifting', i.e transferring your Bon Jovi songs from CDs to iPods (or vinyl, if you have the original EP of Slippery When Wet)
- Allow use of copyright material for parody and satire (I used to get away with it by calling my blog an educational tool)

That sounds sweet! Go politicians! Yeah!

But then you look at the fine print. The fine print that politicians and their staffers have spent hours creating. Under the new laws, we can tape the final episode of Blue Heelers, but we can only watch it once. Yes, once you've taped a program and watched it once, this new legislation says you must delete it immediately. And you can't lend it to a friend. The legislation specifically forbids anything aside from personal use. So sorry guys, you can't borrow my video of yesterday's episode of Ready, Steady, Cook. And I can't watch it again either, even though I fully blanked out at the bit where the overly homo host told the young chef with the five o'clock shadow that he'd like to toss his salad.

Mmm, this bechamel sauce tastes delicious

Just once more for emphasis - you can't lend videos to your mates. Anything you tape, you can now only watch once before deleting it as required by law. As required by law. Of the Commonwealth of Australia. A nation founded on convicts, and we can't even lend tapes to each other.

AND THESE PEOPLE GET PAID TO MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE GOVERNMENT WHO CAME UP WITH THIS LEGISLATION HAS BEEN INFLUENCED BY SOME KIND OF LOBBY GROUP FROM SOME KIND OF INDUSTRY WHICH MAKES SOME KIND OF MONEY FROM SELLING DVDS AND CDS

IT'S ALMOST LIKE DEMOCRACY IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE I CAN'T LEND ANYBODY MY TAPE OF THE LAST EPISODE OF FUCKING HEADLAND, WHICH GOT CANCELLED AND WON'T BE AVAILABLE TO BUY ON DVD ANYWAY SO IT'S REALLY NOT HURTING ANYBODY SO WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM WITH THAT RUDDOCK

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THIS IS A STUPID LAW MADE BY STUPID FUCKTARDS WHOSE SEXUAL FANTASIES CONSIST OF RAPING MR SQUIGGLE WITH AN ELECTRIC PENCIL SHARPENER AND A FEW LITRES OF WD-40, AND I CAN SAY THAT ABOUT A COPYRIGHTED CHARACTER BECAUSE THIS IS CONSIDERED PARODY

SO GO FUCK YOURSELF, PALPATINE.

Because I'd like my Sunday free to perform my usual ritual of taking photos of children at the beach, I thought I'd write my review of the motion picture X-Men 3 today, 6 hours before I see it. You're probably asking yourself how that's possible, how can Tommy write a review of a film he hasn't seen. Actually, you're probably not asking yourself anything, because that would require a degree of emotional involvement that to be honest, my blog fails to generate.

Anyway, onto the review!

*whip*

X-Men 3: The Last Stand
A film review by Tommy, X-Man


The third in the X-Men series of films, and the fourth in the series of films starring Hugh Jackman as a cybernetically-enhanced killing machine (Kate and Leopold was a prequel), X3 is possibly the final chapter in the X-Men story, which is what they said about the third James Bond movie too. But, unlike James Bond, Halle Berry fucked X-Men up before the series hit number 20.

The premise of X3 is that a 'cure' for mutant....ism is developed, generating all sorts of controversy and yelling and explosions. Some mutants, such as the evil Magneto, see the cure as mankind's attempt to exterminate mutantkind. Others see it as a challenge to be overcome peacefully. Some mutants, such as Angel, are forced into taking the cure by evil fathers, while others accept it themselves.

I'd say this mutant would probably go for the cure.

X3 sees the return of all of your childhood favourites, like Professor Xavier, Wolverine, Cyclops, Collossus, and Mystique. It also has Storm. The movie also sees the film debuts of some new mutants such as Shadowcat, Angel, The Dark Phoenix, Callisto and Spyke.

Oh, and someone or other named BEAST


OH YEAH BITCHES


OHHHH YEAAHHH


FRESH FROM DUNFEE, ILLINOIS, NORTON AND EDNA MCCOY'S BABY BOY, THE BIG BLUE FURRY MCDADDY OF FUNK, HENRY "HANK" PHILLIP MCCOY THE MOTHERFUCKING BEAST!@


YOOOOO CHECK IT


NIGGA DON'T NEED NO FLOOR, NIGGA CLIMB ON PIPES!@



LOOK AT THOSE TRAPS AND THOSE ABS, YOU COULD CUT A SHOE WITH THOSE ABS



OH, I THINK I'VE SAVED THE WORLD SO MUCH CAUSE I'M THE MOTHERF'ING BEAST THAT I'LL SIT AND DRINK SOME COFFEE AND READ TIME, CAUSE THAT'S HOW SUPERHEROES GET THEIR SHIT DONE

Now where were we.

Beast is played by Kelsey Grammar, television's Frasier. Which gives me hope for David Hyde Pierce to be cast in X-Men 4 as Beast's snooty younger brother. Hilarity ensues when Beast invites Storm over for a hot date at the X-Mansion, only for his brother to schedule a meeting of their mutant wine club that same night! And wait till grumpy old Professor Xavier finds out his housekeeper forgot to take Wolverine out for a walk! It's X4, Thursdays at 8 on NBC.

The X-Men series has done a pretty good job of giving fanboys like me what we expect (Beast, Wolverine hacking people, Mystique doing one of those roundhouse kicks where you kinda see her cooch) and satisfying normal people at the same time with action and cool monologues by old British actors, and X3 looks like no exception.


I give it 3 Claws Up. LOL~!



X-Men 3 was released worldwide on the 26th, except in Kellyville.

No, the blog hasn't shut down, I just haven't been posting because I've been up-chucking my guts for the last few days and didn't want to get second-hand Vegemite toast on my keyboard

A few things to take care of

- NSW WON ORIGIN SUCK THAT YOU BUCK TOOTHED INBREDS, FIRST CYCLONE LARRY TOOK ALL YOUR BANANAS AND NOW CYCLONE BRETT FINCH TOOK GAME 1 FROM YOU AHAHAHA

- X-Men 3 comes out today, perhaps the only thing cooler than the season finale of Lost, which also comes out today

- You have weird half-asleep hallucinations when you're sick and try to doze off. The other night I couldn't sleep because I was convinced my brain looked like this:


As you can see, the brain is divided into two sections. The reason why I couldn't sleep was because I was convinced I had to rotate my second, smaller brain, in order to make the brain-strands connecting the two straighter. Unfortunately I left my Dr Karl Kruszelnicki Home Labotomy Kit upstairs. That went from about 12am-3:30am, where I gave up and just decided to vomit. Then I watched TV for a little while, had a bit more of a chuck and returned to the television to watch Sunrise. And predictably, Kochie made me vomit. Normally only Jessica Rowe does that, so I knew I was really sick.

Anyway, hope you get better Tommy.

Thanks

Ten Things I Hate About The Ten Commandments (A Teen Movie)


Awesome

Have You Forgotten? - A Musical Journey Through 9/11


I like to share, I'm a sharing kinda guy. If I was an old, slightly female singer, my stage name would be Cher. And there has been a severe lack of music stuff on my blog, except for my exclusive interview with Michael Crawford a few years back. God, the things I would do to that man.

So, I thought I'd share with you, my sexy readers, one of my secret musical passions.

No, it's not shitty early 90's ballads by Mr Big and Bad English, it's ultra-patriotic American country music. It's awesome. It was just after TheTragicEventsOfSeptemberTheEleventh that American country music took a turn away from heartfelt lyrics about losing my dog and my wife and damn I really miss that dog, and towards things that actually matter. Redneck country music stars realised they didn't need to sing about driving in their 18-wheeler and slugging back some JD on their way to the monster truck rally where their best friend banged their wife, they could sing about terrorism, and explosions, and WAR! Like Alvin and the Chipmunks, but with less Chinese propaganda.

I first fell in love with this music one night in 2002. I was looking up pictures of Susan Sarandon for my collection, with Fox News blaring in the background, when I heard them cut from their Top Ten Reasons Why President Bush's Shit Doesn't Smell to.... a musical act. On a hard news show. And you thought the boys from The Chaser invented News-tainment. But it wasn't just any musical act, it was American country and western star Darryl Worley. And when he sang, well, it was like at first sight.

Ohhh something something freedom something terrrorrrr

It was a song called 'Have You Forgotten', a heartfelt ballad about TheTragicEventsOfSeptemberTheEleventh. More specifically, about those god damn surrender monkeys who don't think America should make a parking lot out of the Middle East. Here's the lyrics.

I hear people saying we don't need this war
I say there's some things worth fighting for
What about our freedom and this piece of ground?
We didn't get to keep 'em by backing down
They say we don't realize the mess we're getting in
Before you start preaching
Let me ask you this my friend
CHORUS 1
Have you forgotten how it felt that day
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away?
Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside
Going through a living hell
And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout Bin Laden
Have you forgotten?
They took all the footage off my T.V.
Said it's too disturbing for you and me
It'll just breed anger that's what the experts say
If it was up to me I'd show it every day
Some say this country's just out looking for a fight
After 9/11 man I'd have to say that's right

CHORUS 1

I've been there with the soldiers
Who've gone away to war
And you can bet they remember
Just what they're fighting for
CHORUS 2
Have you forgotten all the people killed?
Some went down like heroes in that Pennsylvania field
Have you forgotten about our Pentagon?
All the loved ones that we lost
And those left to carry on
Don't you tell me not to worry about Bin Laden
Have you forgotten?
Have you forgotten?
Have you forgotten?

And yes, when he sings it, he rhymes 'Bin Laden' with 'Forgotten'. If you think it's impossible, well you've obviously never heard of the word 'Forgadden'. It's truly magical.
Who needs 'Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try' when the D-Man gives us 'Some say this country's just out lookin' for a fight'. If I was an American flag and heard that lyric, I'd be standing at full mast, if you smell what I'm cooking.
Such a beautiful memorial of the victims of 9/11 too - 'To see your homeland under fire, and her people blown away'. Brings a tear to my eye and a bullet to the M-16 I keep in my garage incase Captain A-Rab and the Eye-Raqis come to rape my wife.
And remember, if you'd like to download this song and don't know how, it's the year 2006 you stupid prick. But, if you don't want to break the law, you can listen to a little clip from Have You Forgotten here. And then you can go back to riding your little girly bike with your Cops Are Tops sticker, you pussy.

Tommy's Bad Jokes News In Review: Wednesday 17th of May

Hey folks, sorry I'm late, I think I must be pregnant



So, did you hear that Rex Hunt got caught paying prostitutes for sex?

I wonder how they reacted when after he was done, he gave them a kiss and threw them back into the ocean?



And I hear the Tassie miners have signed a deal with Channel Nine. I wonder if they'll guest star on any Nine programs. A few more days in the mine without any food and they might have had to guest star in Cold Case!



So John Howard is in America, turns out he and President Bush had a press conference where they praised each other. Yeah, true story. Though it was a little hard for the press to get a good shot of Howard because he was kneeling behind Bush's podium!




So what's the go with abortions anyway?





Thanks you've been great

I am fiddling with mysel- I mean a new template for the blog, so if it looks shitter than normal don't go running off like a little pansy

Update: Blog messed with successfully

Nothing that starts with 'I'm not racist, but..' ever ends well, so I'm going to give this story a different intro. Obviously, I can't think of another intro, so I will just use someone elses. Ladies and gentlemen, the intro to Matthew Reilly's epic classic 'Hover Car Racer'...

The race was barely nine minutes old when Jason Chaser lost his steering rudder.

At 690 kilometres an hour.

The worst thing was, it wasn't even his fault. Some crazy kid from North Korea driving a home-made hunk-of-junk swamp runner had lost control of his car while trying to pull an impossible G-9 turn and had crashed spectacularly into the crocodile-infested marshes right in front of Jason, sending sizzling pieces of his car flying in every direction - three of which punched right through Jason's tailfin like a volley of red-hot mini-meteorites, rendering his steering vanes useless.

Truly classic literature. Absolutely no gross-over-use-of-these-things. Or any unecessary itallics, or extremely long run-on sentences that just keep going and going and going that get broken up by a last minute dash - a dash so powerful that it can turn one sentence into an entire paragraph, breaking right through established literature convention and making the reader forget what you were writing about at the start of the sentence, rendering the entire work useless.

So anyway, I was at Castle Towers Greater Union, walking out from a session of Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 3: Convince People I'm Straight By Ruining Joey From Dawson's Creek, when I spy a MASSIVE line to get into the cinema. I'm talking a double decker line, half after the forbidden line of ticket-ripping, half before it. It was massive like Ving Rhames.

And I was a little confused, because Greater Union have that bullshit allocated seating thing, which means you don't have to line-up to get into the cinema because you have reserved seats. So why were these people lined up?


And how come they were all brown?


Zoom in on Tommy.

:O

Oh my god, they're all Arab!

*Tommy sees poster for Persian Film Festival*

Oh my god, they're all Persian!

But didn't Persia cease to exist? Isn't 'Persian' just code for 'Iranian'?

AREN'T IRAN IN THE AXIS OF EVIL?!

An artist's impression of what a Persian film festival would look like if it was a cat

I was scared enough to reach for my taser (Mr McZapALot), but I wasn't scared enough to run. Instead, I did exactly what 'these people' weren't expecting me to do - I walked straight through them. Oh yeah, that's how I roll.

They were there with their children, with their parents, with their grandparents. Yes, they were multiplying. Not in the cinema line, although it is a good way to pass the time (does anyone want to see X-Men 3 with me?). But worst of all, these people were SMILING. These axis of evildoers were happy that they were lining peacefully in a suburban shopping centre.

So, needless to say, I informed ASIO and the whole business was resolved peacefully.


And so ends today's story. I'll let Matthew Reilly take us out.

He turned to The Bug. The Bug's face was a mask. He slowly kicked back his chair and came over to Jason, stood on his tiptoes and whispered something in Jason's ear.

Jason smiled.

'What did he say?' Syracuse asked.

Jason said, 'He says your race computer must be broken. His race plan was perfect. Then he said "When do we leave?"


The End?

You've probably heard a lot of men in suits on television talking about 'middle Australia'. The Budget was aimed at 'middle Australia'. Beazley's Budget reply was targeted at 'middle Australia'. John Howard's electoral success is because of 'middle Australia'. But what IS Middle Australia, I hear you ask yourself, furrowing your brow and counting on your fingers. Won't somebody tell me what Middle Australia is, so I can go back to masterbating?

Well, look no further, because it's...

TOMMY'S GUIDE TO MIDDLE AUSTRALIA


The late, great, fat Australian philosopher Kim 'Kim Beazley' Beazley once said...

"People on middle-incomes, the people with families, the people who have the problems with childcare, who worry about whether their kids get skilled, worried about their own skills, worried about their mortgages, worried about the petrol prices," Mr Beazley said.

"That's middle Australia."

And those words remain true to this day, over twelve hours since he said them.

Former INXS frontman and current Australian Treasurer Peter Costello said the tax cuts and family benefits in his budget were aimed squarely at 'Middle Australia'. You know the ones, the tax cuts that give a larger tax cut to lower-income earners and higher income-earners than middle-income earners, the ones squarely aimed at.... middle.. Australia. Hmm.

So now we're all confused. According to these cun- politicians, Middle Australia is:

• People with low, medium and high incomes
• People with families
• People who worry about petrol prices
• People who worry about childcare and if their children will get 'skilled' (may be mispronounciation of 'killed')
• People with mortgages
• People with hats

Now, I looked up the definition of 'broad' in my illustrated dictionary the other day, hoping to see a picture of a hot 1940's chick, and based on the above features I'm pretty sure Middle Australia is broader than Casey Donovan's arse cheeks when she squats down to take a massive, greasy, steamy dump.

(That's how you write a fat joke, Wil Anderson.)

So, if our politicians can't define Middle Australia, maybe I have to look for an answer elsewhere. Maybe I have to think outside the box. Middle Australia might just be a part of a larger world. A segment of a greater, yet-still-Middle place. A country in some kind of.... Middle Earth.

'Middle Earth' you say? Isn't that from the Chronicles of Narnia? To continue my exploration, I visited Middle Earth and tried to ask this man for advice.

THOU SHALT NOT ASK!!

Well, those secretive bastards in Middle Earth weren't helping me figure out what Middle Australia was, so I turned to the only place that would know. Google. A quick search of "middle Australia" found books, news articles, essays and encylopaedia entries. However, because I cannot read, this search proved fruitless. Why I was expecting to find pieces of fruit in a Google Search is a question for another day.

My Google Search

And then it hit me. Middle Australia is not something you can define. It's an intangible construct, derived from post-modern concepts of our very existance. A veritable paradox of disenfranchisement in the information anti-disestablishmentarianism jimmybingbong era. Middle Australia is normal, it's what most of us want to be. The lower working classes aspire to be 'middle', the upper-class try not to look like faggoty snobs, and so they watch footy and Big Brother with the rest of us. Middle Australia is what binds this entire country together, along with an interconnected series of tectonic plates and a shitload of Clag.

Middle Australia IS Australia.

Deep down inside, we're all middle.



Except for you.

You'd think the whole rescue of Todd Russell and Brant 'Typo On My Birth Certificate' Webb business would have provided me with a veritable goldmine of material to blog about, but as you can see from that first sentence, the best I could come up with was a bad pun.

I was thinking of doing a little bit of graphical satire by making a diagram of the thick, rocky media deals Brant and Todd will have to dig their way through, but that ended up being stupid. Actually, it was probably stupid from the start. I was going to have a little picture of Naomi Robson with tentacles though, that might have saved it. And I think I've written too much about the news media in the past few weeks, somebody might mistake my blog for Media Watch, and me for whatever dyke hosts that now.

And next, is Batman giving your fat kids kitchen germs?

Then there's the Budget that Peter Costello handed down last night, which was... boring. Having done 11 Budgets in a row, Costello is the only person in Australia who thinks John Wood should have waited longer to get the Gold Logie. Haven't really read enough about the budget to bitch about it, but I'm sure there's something in there I could blog about. So let's pretend there is, and I did, and it was really good and got 12 comments.

What's with those anonymous comment dicks anyway. It's more fun to tool someone if you use a fake name. Like that time I pretended I was a woman and entered the Big Brother house under the name of 'Tilli'.

WE INTERRUPT TOMMYISCOOLDOTCOM'S REGULAR BLOG PROGRAMMING FOR AN URGENT NEWS BULLETIN CONCERNING THE FATE OF THE TRAPPED MINERS IN THE TASMANIAN TOWN OF BEACONFIELD


Do you reckon they watched each other take dumps?

Cause like, they've been down there for a while and it's a small spot and like I know they didn't have much food but still there'd probably be some sort of poop in their system and what did they wipe with and like where would they put it because that would be weird, hey dude don't sit in that half of the collapsed mine because that's where I gave birth to a giant buttsnake and wow it sure would stink down there

Back to you Naomi

Here is a guest blog submitted by regular guest blogger REDACTED. It is a perfect example of what not to send Tommy if you don't want him to give your guest blog a title that insults you. So, without further ado, I give you...

REDACTED HAS A TINY, TINY PENIS
'It's more like a clitoris, really'A guest blog


a) http://www.drdixiemills.com/photos_breast/mastectomy/mastectomy.jpg

b) Your blog has never been good. Ever. Except when richie made artpads about exploding menstrual cycles

c) http://attrition.org/wow/casual-news/05-12-13-digo/squirrels.jpg

That fulfills my guest blog requirements for the next 3 years

Captain REDACTED

It really is small

Unlike some people who comment on my blog that think miners are the scum of the earth, I have a different view. The scum of the earth are not the men who risk their lives in dank shafts (hehe shaft) so we can wear pretty jewellery and have...metal...things, they are a different breed of person entirely.

The scum of the earth are pub trivia and karaoke hosts.

If you're looking to break into the world of entertainment and don't look like Angelina Jolie or Dennis Hopper, you have to start at the bottom. You become an extra in some independent films and build a CV.

However, if you're completely unentertaining, uncharismatic and unfunny and looking to break into the seventh layer of a miserable hell, you become a pub trivia/karaoke host.

I went to trivia at a pub in Windsor last night, and while my team came 3rd behind people who wouldn't be out of place at Texas Chainsaw Massacre family reunion, it was fun.

THE ANSWER WAS 'HONDA'!@#

No thanks of course to the dicky trivia guy, who made hilarious jokes about Brokeback Mountain (5 times), George Bush being a wanker (2 Times) and even Harry Potter. I believe the Harry Potter went something like this, my delivery might be off because unlike him, I was not beaten as a child.

Here goes...

Achem.

I hear Harry Potter was in the Mardi Gras... Yeah, he called himself Harry Poofter!


LOL!@#e


I know what you're thinking to yourself. Why was Wil Anderson's less funny boyfriend hosting trivia in Windsor? But wait, it gets better. Because after a question about who won 7 ARIA Awards in 2003, he made a joke about how Delta Goodrem had cancer!!

LOL2000!@$%

He even bitched about how she got the guy from Savage Garden to sing her song, because she was weak from the drugs they gave her to fight the cancer!

It's funny cause she was severely ill

Anyway, that's all I wanted to whinge about. Now onto business. Because I'm desperately running out of material... It's the Second Annual TommyIsCoolDotCom GUEST BLOG DRIVE!

Yyyyes, if you have something you want to get off your chest, a scathing critique of my blog or just some funny pictures of squirrels, e-mail me a guest blog, and I'll post that bitch like mail on a Tuesday. Doesn't matter how long or short it is, whether it's about Cats or even Bunnies, I will post it unless I disagree with it or don't like you

So send them in, and 50 people might skim over your hard work to get to the post about Big Brother! I want your business TODAY

Australia has been a little mine-crazy the past few days, with the story of the surviving miners in Tassie. The best thing about this story, aside from the fact the dudes survived 5 days without supplies, was how it broke. It wasn't pre-packaged in a 2 minute spot on the 6pm news, or the first bulletin on the Today Show with Karl and The Skeleton Woman, it was BREAKING NEWS. It interrupted CSI! That alone makes it my favourite news story ever.

Can't...eat....smiling.....too much......

This sounds geeky as, but I love breaking news. I don't care if it's an urgent bulletin on the Queen's urinary tract infection, if it interrupts something or appears in a scrolling box at the bottom of another show, I want to know about it. Obviously, there are certain breaking news events that I can't say I 'love', like oh, I don't know, London being blown up, but I can't deny that I dig watching it. In fact, it's even better when it's something huge, like the Saddam statue being torn down, or Latham stepping down, or the perennial favourite - Thetragiceventsofseptembertheeleventh.

Like the JFK Assassination, or the release of Biodome starring Pauly Shore, everyone remembers where they were on 9/11. Just for a day or two, 9/11 made everything crazy. Of course, thanks to my family, I missed most of the 'good' stuff. Rather than waking me up to watch the single most important world event in years, my family hoarded the TV while I slept peacefully, only to be woken up the next morning by my Mum running into the room and telling me 'They blew up New York'. Now, my first thought wasn't 'Oh shit, so many people will have died', it was 'Holy crap, they ripped off that Tom Clancy book'. But like everyone else, I was glued to the TV for a few hours straight until I had to leave.

It was really only when I went to school that it hit me, because it was all anybody talked about all day. Except for my bitch of an English teacher, who ignored the 3000 dead to bitch about her mother-in-law and how my mate Sam (not SGS) had dyed his hair. Now I think about it, she might have been a member of the Taliban. No wonder she chucked a hissy fit when I smeared her with pig fat.

Today, we learn about how fractals represent change

The other hot thing about breaking news is that it shows how shit some news anchors are. First, they always fall for the 'uncomfirmed report'. There was the 'unconfirmed report' of a truck bomb at the Pentagon on 9/11. 'Unconfirmed reports' of twice the amount of explosions in the London Bombings. Even the Tassie miners story had 'unconfirmed reports' of the miners being freed in the 'next two hours' (that was 40 hours ago). You can see the newsreaders sweat as they struggle without an auto-cue, or if they're on Channel 10, a lame pun about the next story. It's television magic I tells ya.

Anyway, I believe what I wrote can be called a blog, and now it's done, I'm off to beat it to footage of 9/11. Ciao.

Yyyyesss, after the 12 comment success of the Hillsong blog, you'd think I'd stop there. You know, go out while I was ahead. Score one for the good guys and all that. But no. For as you may know, May 29th to June 5th is the international week of Paying Out on Kooky Christians (P.O.K.C), and what better way to increase my blog's readership than by mocking said readership! Onto the games!

Christian fiction is one of the fastest growing literature markets in the world. Book like Serenity Bay, A Season Of Grace and The Landing Place sell like hotcakes in a marketplace before Jesus upturns the tables. Another piece of Christian fiction, The Bible, also sells quite well.

See, that was a cheap joke, and I promise not to make any more of them because the aim of this blog isn't to bag out all Christians, just the Kooky ones. It's putting the K in P.O.K.C, and they don't get much Kookier than the authors and readers of LEFT BEHIND.



Left Behind tells the story of The Rapture, the biblical event that gets American evangelicals all hot under their collars because it gets rid of the Jews. The series of books explore what happens when Jesus' chosen ones disappear, 'leaving behind' millions (NOW YOU GET WHY THE BOOK IS CALLED THAT) and allowing for the rise of the Anti-Christ in the form of a guy named Nicolae. It also has a character named Buck, which is awesome on so many levels, especially if your name is Buck, or something that rhymes with Buck. For example, my great-uncle - Fuck.

Opening with a brutal war between Israel and Russia/Iraq/Syria (The Stereotypically Evil Axis of Evil), Left Behind is essentially a Tom Clancy novel, but with more quotes from Revelations and a little less anti-semitism. Old Tom hates dem Jews.

Now I know what you're thinking. War, explosions, Jesus. It's made for the American south. But Tommy, you say, furrowing your brow and taking a swig of your bottle of JD, rednecks can't read?

Enter Kirk Cameron.

So Stewie, what are you doing tonight?

Oh nothing, just watching Kirk Cameron play Jean-Valjean!

Kirk Cameron, star of hit 80's sitcom Growing Pains, plays the lead role in the Left Behind movies, alongside Lou Gosset Jr. as the black President. I'm sure that casting choice really went down well at Bumfuck Baptist Church in Alabama. I watched the trailer for the third Left Behind movie 'Left Behind: World At War' (the title 'Left Behind: Let's Steal More Christian Money' was already taken)

(by Hillsong lol)

and it looked pretty sweet. Like all cliched trailers, it did that thing where the trailer ends, and it shows the title of the movie, and then it cuts back to a final snappy scene. This one involved Kirk Cameron grabbing a bible in an interrogation room. It was like Guantanemo Bay except he didn't have electrodes attached to his urethra.

But movies and books are boring and old-fashioned, and not the reason for this post. Video games are where it's at these days. Violent, explicit video games, like Quake, Grand Theft Auto and Super Mario Sunshine. And hey, computers play games, and Christians have computers. If they didn't, I'd only get like 10 hits a day and most of them would be from people searching for Krystal from Big Brother's boobs. Oh, and Mitch. I love you, Mitch.


SO WHY DON'T WE MAKE A LEFT BEHIND VIDEO GAME!!!


YEAAHHHH

Wage a war of apocalyptic proportions in LEFT BEHIND: Eternal Forces - a real-time strategy game based upon the best-selling LEFT BEHIND book series created by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. Join the ultimate fight of Good against Evil, commanding Tribulation Forces or the Global Community Peacekeepers, and uncover the truth about the worldwide disappearances!

Rock on! Tribulation Forces! Ultimate Fight! Good vs Evil! Peacekeeping!

Ok, so leave out Peacekeeping and this game sounds pretty damn sweet. And hey, it's morally acceptable too. Just look at the video game company's mission statement

The mission of Left Behind Games is to become the world’s leading independent developer and publisher of quality interactive entertainment products that perpetuate positive values and appeal to mainstream and Christian audiences.

Awesome. Positive values. And how does one represent such positive values, and appeal to both mainstream and Christian audiences?

Yeah, you guessed it.


A fuckload of violence.


I'm talking spreading the word of the good Lord by controlling more than 30 units types - from Prayer Warrior and Hellraiser to Spies, Special Forces and Battle Tanks.

Battle tanks!!

Perpetuate positive values by playing multiplayer games as Tribulation Force or the AntiChrist's Global Community Peacekeepers with up to eight players via LAN or over the internet!

Battle tanks!!

Appeal to mainstream audiences by recovering ancient scriptures and witness spectacular Angelic and Demonic activity as a direct consequence of your choices.

Battle tanks!!

No game review is complete without screenshots, and having been tought at uni by the former editor of the Hyper video game magazine, I know a thing or too about writing funny captions under screenshots. Just take a look at some of these gems.

The only remaining Olympic rings take a violent turn

See, because there's a red and a blue ring? Brilliance!

Snoop Dogg's World Tour Visits New York

Because there's a lot of smoke, and Snoop Dogg smokes pot! The smoke from the buildings is actually from the war, but I said in the caption it was due to Snoop Dogg! Hilarity!

After the death of the red Olympic ring, the blue one takes a violent turn

Get it, it's a callback! Effulgent!

Left Behind: Eternal Forces will be available for purchase sometime this year. Let's just hope the Rapture comes early, so nobody has to play it.

Battle tanks!!